Losing It

by Zaria Garrison

  When he arrived downstairs, he walked over to the office. The mahogany door stood staring him down like a worthy opponent as Leon wrestled with the courage to push it open and walk in. He stood in the doorway for several moments before reaching for the light and turning it on. Once inside, he closed the door behind him.

  For several moments, he stood in the middle of the floor just looking around. The cover photo of Sharmaine’s first CD release hanging on the wall caught his eye, and he stared at it for several moments. In the photo, her hair was long and wavy, and she seemed to be floating in a sea of clouds. They swirled around her head and body, causing her to appear almost angelic.

  Next he turned toward the wall that contained her Grammy and American Music Awards. They were dusty, as he’d kept the room closed since Sharmaine’s departure. Consuela had opened it once, intending to clean, but he’d quickly stopped her. Walking over, he picked each award up, studied it, and then returned it to its place.

  Leon walked over to Sharmaine’s desk and sat down. He opened her drawers and rifled through the papers contained inside. He picked up each one and glanced over it before putting it back.

  There’s nothing here I haven’t seen before, he thought.

  Finally, his attention turned to her laptop computer sitting on the desk. It was the first time he’d realized that she didn’t take it with her. Momentarily, he wondered why; then he assumed that it was because neither expected she’d be gone for five months.

  Leon opened the computer and put in Sharmaine’s password. The computer booted up, and to his surprise, he was greeted by several hundred unread e-mails. Keisha usually reads all of this stuff. I wonder why she’s not checking it anymore.

  Still hoping for answers, he randomly clicked on e-mails, reading them until he came to one from Chase Vinton that held his interest.

  Sharmaine,

  I’m livid that this video is still floating around the Internet. You and your people need to get busy doing something about this. I’m sure with your upcoming trial the chance of a movie release is unlikely; however, I’d like to try to have a career after this fiasco. Do something about this!

  Chase

  The e-mail had a video attached. Leon sat staring at the link, wondering if he should click on it. Other than the few moments in the detective’s office, Leon had not seen the now infamous video. At first he’d wanted to obtain a copy, but Jackson convinced him it was a bad idea. Now with it sitting in front him, Leon wasn’t sure why, but he felt compelled to watch it. With his hands shaking, he pressed the computer mouse and clicked on the video. Silently, he sat watching his wife perform acts that were supposed to be reserved only for him. His heart ached and tears were streaming down his face, but he vowed not to turn away.

  The camera zoomed in, and Leon’s eyes grew wide with surprise. All of a sudden, he noticed something vaguely familiar about the room that Sharmaine and the mystery man were in. Leon put the video on pause and took a closer look. When he did, he noticed something else that caught his eye. He was still staring at it when he heard a thump. He quickly shut down the computer to investigate.

  Leon opened the office door and looked out into the hallway from right to left. He saw nothing, but he heard another thump and realized it was coming from the kitchen. Slowly, he tiptoed toward the sound. He arrived in the kitchen just as Camille was disarming the alarm. Without a word, he watched her punch in the numbers; then she reached for the back door. She turned the knob slowly, trying not to make a sound.

  “Camille Amanda Cleveland, what are you doing?”

  Startled, Camille almost jumped out of her skin. “Dad, what are you doing up?” she stammered.

  “I think you need to answer that question for me.”

  “Oh, I was hungry. I came down for a snack. I’m sorry if I woke you.”

  He shook his head at her latest lie. “I stood here and watched you turn off the alarm and try to go out the back door. Where were you going?”

  “Nowhere. I just wanted to take a walk.”

  Leon stepped closer to Camille and she backed up. He took another step and she backed up even farther. Camille kept backing away from him until she found herself trapped like a rat with her back against the counter.

  “Give it to me,” Leon said.

  “I ... I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “The weed, Camille. Give it to me now.” Leon held out his hand and stared directly at her.

  “Why are you always accusing me of things? All I did was come to the kitchen for a snack and then try to take a walk,” she whined.

  Leon stood very still, not moving a muscle. Inside, he was struggling with his anger and emotions. In his entire life, he’d never put his hands on Camille except in a loving manner. Even when she was younger and received spankings, it was always Sharmaine who’d administered them. They agreed that he was too big and too strong to ever lay his hands on the children. It had never been a problem for Leon, as he felt capital punishment should only be used sparingly. Camille had long ago outgrown being spanked by either of her parents; however, as he stood there staring at her, lying and rebellious, it took all of his inner strength not to draw back and knock her out.

  Taking a deep breath, he asked her once more. “Camille, I know that you have weed on you and that you were sneaking out to smoke it. Now, you can either give it to me willingly, or I’m going to pin you down and take it. It’s your choice.”

  Camille looked around the kitchen, trying to determine if she had enough room to run. If she went to her left, she thought she could make it outside; but she realized that even if she did, he’d catch up to her within seconds. Looking into her father’s face, she saw an urgency she’d never seen before, and it frightened her. Feeling defeated, she reached into her pocket and pulled out the Ziploc bag of weed. Slowly, she handed it to Leon.

  When he returned to the kitchen a few moments later after flushing it down the toilet, Camille was sitting at the table with her head lying on her arms. Leon walked closer to her and noticed her shoulders shaking as she sobbed. Quietly, he sat down beside her and rubbed her back for comfort.

  “Camille, I don’t understand. We’ve talked about drugs and how they can hurt you. You’ve seen the videos at school and church. Please, tell me why.” Leon handed her a napkin from the table to dry her tears as she slowly sat up.

  “Everything is all messed up. Nothing makes sense anymore.”

  “Do you mean the situation with your mother and the trial?”

  “I mean everything. This house doesn’t feel like home anymore; it feels like a prison. We never do fun things. We hardly ever go anywhere. The kids at school call us ugly names, but you make us go every day.”

  Leon sighed. “I know it’s hard, honey.”

  “No, you don’t. If you did, you’d do something about it. Instead, all you do is feel sorry for yourself and mope around this house.” Camille stood up from the table. “I’m going back to bed.”

  Stunned, all he could manage to mumble was a weak, “Good night, honey.”

  Sitting alone in his kitchen, Leon stared outside the window until the sun began to rise. For months, he’d told himself that the problems with his family, his children, and his life were all due to the incidents with Sharmaine. He’d barely taken the time to notice that his actions were also negatively affecting his children. As difficult as it was to admit, Camille was absolutely correct.

  When he had returned home from the hospital, he immediately demanded that they return also. His mother and father had pleaded with him to allow the children to remain with them. They told him that they could finish out the school year there, but he refused. He’d told them and himself that it was to put his family back together; but other than living under the same roof, they had never done that. The children went to school, and while they were gone, he sulked. They returned home and tried to talk to him during meals, and he sulked. He had to admit that it was his sulking that caused him to take them from church the one
time he’d attended. Since that Sunday, they had not returned.

  Jeanna spent most of her time watching one movie after the other. It seemed as if she was always staring at the television or her head was buried inside a book. He realized that she rarely talked, laughed, or smiled.

  His mind wandered to Rodney and his behavior the past few months. His son had almost disappeared. Without Leon or anyone stopping him, Rodney, who was once a loud and rambunctious kid, had become as quiet and obscure as a piece of the furniture. The only time either of them spoke or showed any emotions was when they were begging Leon to allow them to visit their mother, and he’d repeatedly shut them down. Leon felt shame that he’d selfishly cut off their visits.

  Believing it was for their own good, he’d avoided discussing Sharmaine or anything about her until the fight happened between Jeanna and Camille. He’d promised them at that time that he would be honest and open, but since then, he’d clammed up again on the subject of their mother. Without his guidance to help them understand, his children had been forced to rely on the things they saw on television, read on gossip blogs online, or the horrible words spoken to them by their peers.

  “How could I have been so stupid?” he wondered aloud.

  Consuela suddenly entered the back door and interrupted his thoughts. “Good morning, Mr. Leon,” she said.

  Having been awake all night, Leon abruptly realized that it was a new day and his children would be coming downstairs for breakfast soon. “Good morning, Consuela,” he replied politely.

  “Do you and the children have any special plans today? It’s a beautiful Saturday morning.”

  An idea struck him out of nowhere. “Yes. I’m going to take them to visit their mother.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Keisha knocked lightly on the door to her guest bedroom, where Sharmaine was staying. “Are you awake?” She poked her head in to the bedroom.

  “Yeah, what is it, Keisha?”

  “Um ... you have a phone call.”

  “Can you take a message? I don’t feel like talking to anyone right now.” Sharmaine rolled over in bed, turning her back.

  Keisha shrugged her shoulders and began backing out of the room, then changed her mind. “I think you want to take this call.” She laid the phone on the bed and walked out.

  Sharmaine sat up in bed and grabbed the phone. “Hello,” she said tentatively. All she heard was breathing on the other end. “Who is this?” The breathing continued. “Look, I don’t have time for games. Stop playing on my phone.” She pressed the end button and hung up, then tunneled back up under the covers. I can’t believe Keisha is not screening my calls.

  The phone rang again, almost immediately. Sharmaine snatched it up without checking the caller ID. “Hello!” she yelled.

  “Don’t hang up, Sharmaine. It’s me, Leon.”

  Now it was Sharmaine’s turn to just sit and breathe, as she searched for the words to say in response to him. Although she’d fantasized about it a million times, lately she’d come to believe she’d never speak to him again. At first she felt he believed in her innocence, but in the months that had passed, with no words exchanged, she’d given up that hope. Yet, from time to time she had fantasized that he would call. In her fantasy, he would suddenly remember the identity of the shooter, clearing her name. He would tell her that he still loved her. They would both feel relieved, and things would miraculously go back to the way they were. But this was no fantasy. He was really on the line, waiting for her to speak. “Hi,” she said.

  “Um ... I’ll make this quick. If you aren’t busy, I wanted to bring the children over to spend the day with you. I’m sorry they couldn’t make it last night.”

  “It’s not your fault. Atlanta is notorious for bad accidents. I told Jeanna that we could meet for dinner next Friday. I’m sorry. I just assumed the children would have plans today.”

  “No, they are not doing anything important. I can drive them over around noon.” Leon paused. “I won’t stay,” he said finally.

  Sharmaine’s excitement faded slightly. “Um ... sure, that’s okay. I’ll let Keisha know that they are coming.”

  “Okay.”Leon paused, and Sharmaine held her breath, hoping he had something else to say. After several seconds, he did. “Good-bye, Sharmaine.”

  Sharmaine threw back her covers, hopping out of bed. She quickly ran to the kitchen. “Keisha, that was Leon on the phone. He’s bringing the children over to see me this afternoon.” Sharmaine beamed.

  “He’s doing what?” Keisha looked up from her bowl of Frosted Flakes, her spoon suspended in midair.

  “He’s bringing the children over this afternoon. Can you believe it? He called me. I actually spoke to Leon. Oh, Keisha, he sounded so wonderful.”

  Keisha put the spoon down in her bowl. “Did you think about asking me first? You are living in my home now.”

  The smile slowly faded from Sharmaine’s face. “Oh, I’m sorry. You’re right. I should have asked first. I was just so excited to be talking to Leon. I guess I forgot.”

  “I have plans this afternoon.” Keisha stood and took her bowl to the sink. She rinsed it out then placed it in the dishwasher.

  “Um, well, you go ahead with your plans. The kids and I will just hang out here. I think they opened the pool earlier this week. We could go down there.”

  Keisha gave her a side-eyed look. “You must be trying to make my neighbors rich by selling the photos to the National Enquirer. Sharmaine, you can’t take your children to a public swimming pool.”

  “Then we can just stay here in the apartment. We could watch a movie on TV, or play games.”

  “What if you have another, um, episode?” Keisha eyed her closely.

  Sharmaine stared at her feet. Since she’d moved in with Keisha, her health had continued to decline. She experienced headaches, blackouts, confusion, and memory loss. One morning, she’d awakened with a ringing in her ears and heart palpitations. Frantic, she had run to Keisha’s room and begged to be taken to a doctor. Instead, Keisha had slowly led her back to her room.

  “You forgot to take your medicine again,” she had told her.

  Sharmaine just stared while Keisha reminded her that she’d visited the doctor just a few days before and he’d prescribed medication for her. As hard as she tried, Sharmaine had no recollection of seeing a doctor. Keisha calmly showed her the bottle and read her name to her. Then Keisha helped her swallow her pills, and promised to remind her every day from that point on.

  So far, she had kept that promise, but Sharmaine felt it didn’t matter, as she increasingly felt worse. Her body ached from head to toe, and it was a struggle to even get out of bed each day. She frequently had dizzy spells and had fainted several times, prompting Keisha to advise her that she could no longer drive around on her own. Her weight was down at least twenty pounds, as she alternated between vomiting and diarrhea. Worst of all, as she’d stood in front of the bathroom mirror that previous Monday morning, Sharmaine suddenly realized her hair was falling out in big clumps. She ran her fingers across her scalp, and the pieces fell out in her hands. Once again, she’d run to Keisha for help.

  “Extreme stress can cause hair loss,” Keisha had calmly told her; however, to please Sharmaine, she made her an appointment to see a dermatologist. He prescribed a special shampoo that she’d used daily, but it didn’t seem to be helping. With Keisha’s help, she’d brushed her short hair down, covering the bald patches.

  “I should be okay, Keisha. I’m going to take my medicine as soon as I go back to my room. It will only be for a few hours. I just need to see my children so badly.”

  Keisha sighed loudly. “I’ll change my plans and stay here with you.”

  “Please don’t do that. Go ahead with your plans. I promise the kids and I will be just fine here alone.”

  “It’s okay, Sharmaine. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you like last time. No, I think it’s best if I just stay here with you.”

  Sh
armaine hugged her tightly. “Thank you so much. You are too good to me, Keisha.”

  At their Buckhead estate, Camille, Rodney, and Jeanna looked up from their breakfasts and stared at their dad in disbelief.

  “You are going to take us where?” Camille asked.

  “I’ve decided to take you to visit your mother. It’s not your fault there was an accident last night. So, you can go today,” Leon answered.

  “Why don’t I just drive us over there, Dad? We can go in my car, and you can stay here,” Camille suggested.

  “I’m sorry, honey, but after what happened last night, I think it’s best that I drive you myself.” Leon was fine with the three of them visiting their mother, but he still did not want Camille sneaking off to visit Danté.

  Rodney and Jeanna were excited. Their faces lit up, and they began to chatter on and on about what they were going to do as soon as they saw their mother.

  Leon listened to them for a few moments before noticing a change in Camille’s demeanor. He put down his cup of coffee and turned to her. “Camille, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” she answered. Her eggs were half eaten and she had not touched her bacon, but Camille got up and left the kitchen without another word.

  The four of them arrived at Keisha’s apartment shortly after noon. Leon pulled into the parking garage and paid the attendant ten dollars to park his car. Then he and the children boarded the elevator and went up to Keisha’s apartment.