Rage to Live

by Shirley Anne Edwards

  “I’m thinking of the here and now. Isn’t that more important?”

  She sent me a considering look. “I guess it’s good enough.”

  I rose from the bed and tugged down the hem of my shirt. Thanks to the twenty pounds I’d lost, my stomach didn’t bulge out the way it used to. This time last year I wouldn’t have worn this type of shirt—I would have felt too fat. I rubbed my stomach to check if it was still flat.

  Aunt Eloise must have mistaken my rubbing for nerves. She moved closer to me, but she didn’t touch me even though I could tell she wanted to. The Drydens were just too touchy-feely. If my aunt thought invading my space would comfort me, she was sadly mistaken.

  I was saved from continuing our heart-to-heart talk thanks to the doorbell ringing downstairs. There was a rushing of footsteps, then the door opening and greetings from Jo and Beau. Paul’s booming voice announced his arrival while he probably shared hugs and kisses with his siblings in typical Dryden fashion.

  “Charlie, Paul’s here!” Jo yelled from the bottom of the stairs.

  I hated how my breath automatically hitched and that jittering sensation entered my belly. I could come up with some lame excuse about not feeling well, but if I lied, Jo and Tris, and Aunt Eloise would be most disappointed of all. I would suck it up and go to the party.

  But my feet wouldn’t move. I turned to Aunt Eloise for help, but I didn’t have to ask. She held out her hand, and I took it.

  “It will be okay. Trust me.” She led me out of the room and down the stairs.

  “KILL ME now,” Jo whispered when Paul hit a high note in the cheesy pop song he sang along to while he drove. He glanced up in the side mirror and winked at me. I shook my head and rolled my eyes.

  It was bad enough I sat behind him with the window up because he had the air conditioner on. He also had a new air freshener that made the interior smell like pinecones. It made me slightly nauseous.

  Jo must have noticed my strange reaction because she poked him in the arm. “Paul, your singing is making Charlie sick.”

  I started to say it wasn’t true, but he turned down the radio. “Don’t be hatin’ ’cause I have the voice of an angel and would wipe the floor with any of these manufactured singers on the radio.”

  “You can join a boy band.” Tris ruffled his shaggy red hair. “You have the pretty-boy looks that will make all the tweens go wild.”

  He barked out a laugh. “Hell would freeze over before I joined some faggoty boy band.”

  Both Tris and Jo sucked in their breath at the exact same time and jerked back in their seats. Paul cursed as he hit the brake too hard at a stop sign, making the car lurch. The silence in the car was deafening, but his derogatory statement didn’t offend me. He hadn’t said it out of spite or as an insult. It was more of a slip of the tongue. So many guys at my old school had used the word “fag” in some form or other that it had become background noise.

  “Sorry, Charlie. It’s a shitty thing for me to say.” He glanced in the rearview mirror, the lines around his mouth and on his forehead more prominent. This time they were from strain and not from laughing or smiling, which he did most of the time. He was one of the goofiest, yet most lovable people I knew. He didn’t have a mean bone in his body.

  I set my hands on his shoulders and squeezed. “You don’t have to apologize to me. It’s not a big deal, so don’t beat yourself up over it. But maybe you should stick to staying behind the scenes and running Maison’s television station instead of playing a rock star. Your voice would make dogs howl, and not in a good way.”

  “You got played,” Tris said in a singsong voice, and Jo snickered.

  The sudden tension in the car slowly vanished. As I lowered my hands, he took one and gave me the same type of squeeze I’d given him. He started driving again.

  As we got closer to the AGP house, more cars lined the street, and groups of people walked that way. I didn’t understand why we had driven, since the walk would take fifteen minutes, tops. But Paul had mentioned something about cases of soda in his trunk for the party.

  Some of the other houses were lit up and had music blasting. People loitered out front. Surprisingly we found parking on a side street, probably because of the orange cones planted next to the curb. Tris got out to remove two of the cones so Paul could park in the space.

  “You’re allowed to save parking spaces this way?” I got out of the car, noting orange cones lining both sides of the street.

  He locked the car and popped open the trunk. “Only for tonight. Everyone knows this street is parking for AGP sisters and Lambda Rho brothers. We’ve been doing it for over twenty years, ever since AGP and Lambda Rho started hosting a welcome back party on the Saturday before the first week of classes.” He took out his cell, tapped the touch screen, and started texting. “In less than an hour, it’s going to be a madhouse. If you noticed, some of the other Greek houses are also having parties, but not as huge as ours. They’ll take in the overflow.”

  “The non-Greek houses around here don’t care it might get wild?” I couldn’t help but wonder how many people would get arrested tonight and how many would try and streak. Even though the party was considered “dry,” alcohol would get passed around at some point. Keg stands and funnels would be an open secret. These things always happened in movies set in colleges, so why not in real life?

  Paul popped open the trunk, checking the different cases of soda inside. “Great. The sodas didn’t burst on the ride here.” He winked at me. “If you’re worried the cops are going to raid our party for being too loud, don’t. The other houses have mostly grad students or other students living off campus. The Greek houses have a deal with campus security and the local cops to make sure things don’t get too out of control. You’ll see what I mean later.”

  Tris had mentioned an honor code obeyed by the sororities and fraternities that would be announced for the new school year tonight. I was interested in seeing how it would all go down.

  “Paul, I’m growing old here. Let’s go.” Jo waved her brother over.

  He closed the trunk. “I’ll escort you ladies to the house and grab some of my boys to come back for the sodas.”

  “We better go before Jo has a seizure.” I motioned at her as she rocked back and forth. Tris shot her an annoyed look.

  “I heard that!” Jo said and walked away.

  “If she embarrasses me tonight, I’ll kill her,” Tris muttered and shuffled ahead.

  “She only has to worry about Jo until midnight,” I said to Paul. That was Jo’s curfew, which I assumed was mine also, even though it hadn’t been directed at me. But I was fine with it, because I couldn’t see having so much fun that I wanted to party until dawn.

  Paul slid his hands in his jeans pockets while he strolled next to me. He didn’t rush like Jo. Instead of joining his sisters, I stayed with him. For some reason I felt safe, as though he was protecting me. Even though he and Tris were twins, they were as different as night and day. Paul took after his dad. He towered over me at six five, a good nine inches higher than me. His weight alone was double mine, mainly muscle. But with his bright red hair and freckles, he reminded me of a teddy bear.

  When he touched my back, I didn’t flinch. “If you’re upset because of the stupid comment—”

  I stopped and turned to him. I didn’t want his night ruined because he thought he’d offended me with his silly remark. “I wasn’t upset the first time you said it, and I’m still not. The word ‘fag’ or any variation of it doesn’t bother me. It never has.”

  “I don’t want you to think I’m insensitive. You’ve been through so much shit that I don’t want to add to your stress and throw off your recovery.” He squeezed the back of his neck and hunched his shoulders.

  My eyes stung, and my vision blurred. It took a lot for me to cry—I was all tapped out. The tears I’d shed last year could have filled a bathtub. But these wouldn’t be tears of shame.

  I sniffed and rolled my bottom lip between my
teeth. “Don’t feel you have to walk on egg shells around me. Be yourself.”

  “But can you be yourself around me?” He waved his hand around. “Can you handle all these people tonight? If you can’t, I’ll take you home, no questions asked—”

  “Stop it.” I wanted to take him by his arms and shake him. But I didn’t. “If it’s too much for me, I’ll go outside for air.” Six months ago would have been a different story. I would still be holed up in my bedroom or on my couch, watching hours of television to help numb my mind and stop it from spinning.

  He nodded in satisfaction. Or maybe he just didn’t want to argue with me. Either way was fine by me. We started walking again. Tris and Jo had just reached the front lawn of the AGP house, where people mingled outside.

  Paul touched my elbow, making me stop. I swallowed back a frustrated breath.

  “If any guy disrespects you, find me or one of my brothers. I’ll make sure to introduce you to some of my bros later on.” He tapped me lightly on the back.

  “What about chicks? They can be as bad as the guys,” I said, my voice airy. I had witnessed more than my share of girls at my old high school acting obnoxious and getting into arguments or fights, especially if it was about some guy. No one had to worry about me trying to mack on their man, so there wouldn’t be any problem.

  “I’ll take care of them also. Guy or girl, it doesn’t matter. Okay?”

  He was such a sweetheart. Having him on my side made me feel more confident and not so nervous.

  When we finally reached the AGP house, he cupped his hands around his mouth. “Lambda Rho, holla!”

  A bunch of guys beat their chests and howled. Paul rushed over to them, and they made a circle with their arms around each other and bounced. I joined Tris and Jo to watch the spectacle. Tris rolled her eyes. A spikey-haired blond guy standing off to the side, with thick-framed glasses and wearing a short-sleeved, red-and-black check shirt and low-rise tan cargo shorts, blew her a kiss. She giggled and waved back but didn’t go over to him, choosing to enter the house instead. I snuck a peek at the hipster-looking guy watching her walk away. He wasn’t as tall and muscular as most of the guys from Paul’s frat, and he wasn’t wearing a Lambda Rho T-shirt.

  Jo rushed inside to a table filled with drinks. The room was already packed with people. Tris’s sisters mingled around, wearing T-shirts with their AGP letters on them, but she didn’t walk around or greet anyone, standing by me as I viewed the action.

  “You know the guy with the black hipster glasses who blew you a kiss?” I asked, even though I was still awkward with Tris because of the whole jumping-off-the-roof thing.

  She snickered, and a blush settled on her cheeks. “Will has some interesting eyewear. He’s Dean Forest’s son.”

  “He isn’t a Lambda Rho brother?” I asked.

  “No. He’s not a member of a frat, although he’s practically one by association.” She checked the door as a group of Lambda Rhos entered. “He’s very popular.”

  “I can believe it.” Hello, son of the dean? Made sense.

  She faced me, concern flaring on her face. “Before things get rowdy, we should talk.”

  She was going to bring up the roof incident now? I braced myself for what she would say. She surprised me by pulling out a red whistle hanging from a rope.

  “What’s this for?” I eyed the plastic toy with apprehension.

  “It’s for you.” She jiggled it. “You might think it’s silly, but I thought you’d be more relaxed if you had it. If you find yourself in a bad situation, you blow the shit out of this sucker.”

  “What type of ‘bad’ situation are we talking about?” There was no way in hell I’d go off with anyone alone or step inside a bedroom with someone, male or female. I’d probably end up sitting near a wall for most of the party or claiming a seat on the couch in the main living room to watch the action.

  “One where you’re frightened.” She held the whistle out to me.

  I could have rejected her gift, but it was kind of her to think of me. I slipped it around my neck. It clashed with my sparkly top, but then a group of guys walked in with flashing beads around their necks as though they were at Mardi Gras instead of a college party.

  “Thanks for this.” I wiggled the whistle at her.

  Her face lit up, and she went in to hug me, paused, and clapped her hands. “I’m glad you came tonight.”

  Suddenly the music grew louder and more people materialized, including Paul and his brothers carrying the cases of soda from his car.

  “I better show Paul and his crew where to put the drinks.” She lifted her hand to the side of her mouth and lowered her voice. “I also better keep an eye on them, because they’ll use any excuse to raid our pantry and fridge.”

  “I’m going to grab a drink and find Jo.” I’d spotted her talking to three AGP sisters. She saw me and waved me over.

  “By the way, you should check out the roof. There’s a DJ there. It’s also been lit up with glow-in-the-dark lights and chairs and small tables to give it a club vibe.”

  “You trust me up there?”

  She nodded. “Enough that you won’t tumble off.”

  My throat clogged, and my nose tingled. “I promise you I won’t.”

  I DIDN’T sit the entire time. If I wasn’t with Jo drinking my weight in soda, I hung with Paul or Tris, who introduced me to so many people whose names I would never remember. I received a few comments on my whistle and some playful jabs, one of which came from one of Paul’s brothers saying I needed my own stop sign and I could be a crossing guard. He then took off the flashing beads from around his neck and gave them to me to wear.

  As the night moved forward, the crowds grew, and most wore the same types of necklaces and sparkly plastic jewelry you’d see at a dance club. I ended up with my share of sparkles in the form of stickers I stuck to my cans of soda. Maybe it was the sugar high from the sodas I drank, but I was in a great mood. I really enjoyed myself.

  After talking with too many people to count, my voice became hoarse, and my body was one big ball of sweat. I still hadn’t checked the roof, but I found an empty spot at the top of the staircase in the corner to view the action below without being bothered.

  I swallowed the last of my ginger ale as I perched my elbows on the railing, observing what had to be hundreds of people swarming around. Some people swayed to the music talking to one another while others bopped along. Then there were some who danced even though they didn’t have the skill. Surprisingly there wasn’t much dirty dancing going on, although some coupled up. But it was still early, so I assumed I’d see more bumping and grinding and major PDAs eventually.

  The music cut off, and everyone quieted down. Two Lambda Rho guys squeezed through the crowd and carried over a small table in front of the stairs. Paul appeared, followed by Arielle. I found myself straightening when she stood next to Paul. I only saw the top of her head and part of her back. Her hair was curlier than the last time I’d seen her, and it swept along her shoulders. She wore a tight yellow tank top and hip-hugging flare jeans that molded to her legs. But unlike most of the girls here, she wasn’t wearing platform sandals or toe crushing high-heeled shoes. She wore flip-flops.

  I put down my can and bent over the railing to get a better look. I whispered her name, wishing, as if she would sense me above and smile or wave at me. It was ridiculous to think she’d care enough to notice me.

  “Hello, everyone! Thanks for coming,” Arielle waved at the partiers. The crowd around her hooted and hollered.

  “On behalf of Alpha Gamma Pi and Lambda Rho, we’re thrilled you’re here celebrating the new school year at Maison, one of the best colleges in the United States!” Paul whistled, and everyone cheered.

  He lifted his hands, and the crowd quieted down again. “This is the thirtieth year AGP and Lambda Rho have hosted a welcome back party the Saturday before classes start. It’s the twenty-fifth year we’ve signed a pledge together promoting respect and honor in the
way our members act as students of Maison. Sororities and fraternities are held to a higher standard. The AGP sisterhood and Lambda Rho brotherhood believe we’re mentors, and we should live our lives with honor and dignity.” He motioned to the room with his hand. “We practice what we preach. That’s why tonight Lambda Rho will sign a pact with Alpha Gamma Pi to adhere by these principles, in the hopes other Greek houses will live by our example.”

  One of the AGP sisters handed Arielle a long, rolled-up piece of paper. She unrolled the scroll and set it on the table, taking a pen along with Paul.

  “I sign this contract on behalf of the Alpha Gamma Pi sisterhood to hold ourselves to a higher standard for this school year.” She signed the paper.

  Paul declared the same on behalf of his fraternity and signed the paper. He then took Arielle’s hand, and they lifted the contract together. Lights flashed from cameras, and the room erupted into cheers and pounding feet.

  “Now have fun tonight, but not so much that I end up holding back someone’s hair as they pray to the porcelain god,” Paul announced in a booming voice.

  Arielle started to say something, but the music came back on, drowning her out. Paul pulled her into a hug, and she spoke in his ear. He laughed and patted her back. As they broke apart, people swarmed them.

  Tris approached Arielle from behind, and they hugged. Paul accepted high fives and slaps on his back. Out of the blue, an earsplitting howl went off near the front door. The muscular dark-skinned guy who had played that great game of flag football on the quad marched inside with some other guys behind him. He wasn’t wearing a T-shirt with Greek letters but one with the school’s football team on it, and on the back: Quarterback. People moved away as he joined the group in front, focused on Arielle. She smiled but didn’t embrace him. He, on the other hand, scooped her into his arms and kissed her. Whoops erupted around them. After what had to be a good thirty seconds or more, he broke off the kiss. Arielle playfully slapped him on the arm but then rubbed his head and kissed his cheek.