by M. Sembera
Guiding me while covering my eyes, Jackson led me about twenty steps before we stopped.
Uncovering my eyes, he whispered, "Surprise," in my ear.
My first thought, when I saw what was in front of me,was that he had to be screwing with me. Staring at the bathtub full of water and bubbles, I felt like I was going to throw up. Feeling Jackson's lips brush the side of my neck was suddenly too much and although I meant for it to be subtle, I quickly jerked away.
With a concerned expression on his face, Jackson asked, "What's wrong?"
Shaking my head, I replied, "Nothing."
Taking my hand, he pressed, "Baby, what is it?"
"I don't take baths," I replied.
Smiling, Jackson offered, "What if I bathe you?"
Horrified at the thought, I started to cry.
Pushing past Jackson, I made my way out of the bathroom, trying to get a handle on myself. Thinking I wouldn't have reacted as badly if I hadn't ran into the whole reason I never sat in a bathtub once I left him, I sat down on the corner of the bed.
Slowly walking up to me, Jacks gave a soft smile, saying, "Please talk to me."
"I just...don't take baths, alright," I stated.
Nodding, Jackson sat down next to me, saying, "Okay, I didn't know. It's okay."
When he carefully placed his hand on my shoulder, I realized, I was gasping for air.
Sliding his arm around my back, he assured, "It's okay, baby," pulling me closer to him.
Nodding, I took slow deep breaths to calm down.
"Ren, talk to me please," he begged.
Shaking my head, I said, "I'm sorry, let's just..."
Stopping me, Jackson stressed, "I don't understand what just happened. I need you to talk to me."
His expression reflected the same combination of sympathy, hurt and pity as I remembered from our past.
I did not want to do this now or ever, but I knew Jackson well, he was not going to let this go. Deciding to spare him how the first time, my first time, I was with Henley in the bathtub, I scooted back and faced him.
Taking a slow controlled breath, I shared, "I only take showers. I haven't taken a bath since I left Henley."
Placing his hand on my arm, he urged me to continue, softly asking, "Why not?"
It took me a moment to answer, "After he...He would hurt me then take me into the bathroom and clean me up."
Scowling at me, Jackson asked, "He would beat you up and then bathe you?" As I nodded he said, "That's really sick."
Knowing that it was, I looked away from him, saying, "I know, I'm sorry."
Pulling me to his chest, Jacks assured, "Baby, I didn't mean you. I was talking about the situation and him."
"I let it go on for six years," I admitted, filled with guilt over who I was with Henley.
Pulling back, he slid his hands into the back of my hair before leaning his cheek against mine, saying, "None of that matters now."
Jackson would never be able to understand, once you give someone a piece of yourself, you never get it back. It stays with them, no matter who they are.
~
Our hotel bed was so soft and cozy I thought about asking the desk manager in the lobby where I could get one. Propped up on pillows, in bed, Jackson and I watched whatever basketball game was on. I wore one of Jackson's t-shirts while he wore his undershirt and extra-long basketball shorts that hung well below his knees when he stood. It was by far my favorite thing to see him wear. Keeping his arm around me, except for when the team he liked would score, I stayed snuggled up to his side. It was adorable how he would talk to the T.V., clap and cheer as if the players could actually hear him.
When the last quarter resulted in Jackson's team winning, he turned the T.V. off and set the remote on the night stand. Turning towards me, he slid his leg on top of my legs before resting his forehead against the side of my head.
Reaching to hold my hand, Jackson asked, "Are you feeling better?"
Pausing for a moment, I wasn't even thinking about my episode earlier in the day but apparently he was.
"I'm fine," I assured.
Nuzzling into my hair, he whispered, "I'm sorry for upsetting you."
Rolling my eyes, I leaned to the side to look directly at him, saying, "It's fine Jacks and I'm fine."
"I don't want that to happen again," he said completely sincere.
With a heavy sigh, I replied, "I don't want to be babied. I do have a few little...quirks when it comes to different things but you already know most of what bothers me. So let's just drop this."
"What else bothers you?" he asked.
"Always so pushy," I fussed before saying, "At the moment, you're talking instead of kissing me."
A soft smile formed as he slid his hands into the back of my hair and kissed me.
10
Minor Details
The rest of our honeymoon was spent in the hotel room. We had seen the sights with Sophia and Ailin and the big comfy bed was the only other honeymoon spot I cared to see. The flight home was a little better but confirmed my belief that I never wanted to fly anywhere again. There was a different air between us when we arrived back home. Although, it was still just the two of us, I had a feeling of 'back to reality'.
I planned on Friday being a lazy day since we made it in late the night before. After making a few jokes about being naughty in his office, now that we were married, Jackson steered the conversation in a more serious direction.
Looking up from the stack of papers on my kitchen table that he picked up from the firm earlier that morning, he said, "I have the forms here to join our accounts."
Sliding the roast I was making for dinner in the oven, I stopped suddenly, asking, "What do you mean?"
"Our bank accounts," he replied.
Slowly closing the oven door, I turned and looked at him, saying, "I got that, what do you mean join them?"
A smile crossed his face as he answered, "So we have a joint checking and savings."
Growing frustrated with him, I clarified, "I understand what you are saying Jacks. What I don't understand is why you are doing that."
He appeared confused, saying, "We're married."
Crossing my arms in front of my chest, I said, "And..."
His smile widened as he shared, "And, that means what's mine is yours."
Shaking my head, I said, "I don't know if I want to do that."
His smile faded to a confused expression as he said, "Okay, well if you change your mind they're ready to sign."
Nodding at him, I turned back towards the kitchen to find something else to do.
Sure I had hurt his feelings, I didn't mean to but the thought of not having my own money gave me chest pains. I didn't want to have to ask permission, explain what I spent money on or be dependent on anyone. I had gone through a great deal of effort in order to be self-sufficient and even though I knew I could trust Jackson, this was something I could not do. It wasn't about the money. I wanted control of my own life, it wasn't easy and I had fought hard for it. So many years ago, I couldn't control anything that was happening to anyone, even me. When I had the chance, I took it and swore it would never be like that again.
~
Saturday afternoon, I laughed after the swing on the back porch hit the ground. Jackson stood staring at it as if it had purposely disobeyed him. We picked out a nice wooden porch swing, to replace the chaise lounge we broke, earlier in the day. All it took was for us to sit down before it pulled right out of the porch ceiling.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
Still laughing, I said, "Yea, that was a shock."
Reaching up to the ceiling, Jackson shared, "That's why, the wood is rotten."
"Uh, all of it?" I pouted.
Nodding, he replied, "Looks that way. I'll make a list and run to the hardware store later."
Eying the swing sitting on the ground, I asked, "You still want to sit on it?"
Laughing, he replied, "Might as well."
We careful
ly sat on the porch swing. It was uncomfortable on the ground but he was right, we bought it to sit together on, so we might as well.
It wasn't long before we decided to sit on my outdoor sofa instead. I loved sitting outside with Jackson. His arms would hold me tighter with each breeze. Sighing with happiness, I pulled up a little and kissed the side of his neck.
Turning to me, Jacks leaned his head down and brushed his lips against mine before saying, "This is sorta surreal for me."
"How is that?" I asked.
Pulling me onto his lap, I adjusted to face him as he explained, "I used to think about what it would be like to be with you. To be able to touch you anytime I wanted without worrying if I was out of line. Kiss you like you were..."
Knowing why he trailed off without finishing, I suppressed a cringe before asking, "Does it bother you that you have to watch what you say to me?"
"It would bother me more to upset you," he replied before adding, "I know why."
Looking into his eyes, I knew he thought he knew why. He knew the issues I had with Hert, how my father treated me and he knew I stayed black and blue when I was with Henley. Nothing was ever that simple with me. Things happened outside of those three and with them that he didn't know and I was glad he didn't.
Leaning into him, I laid my head against his chest, saying, "We're gonna have problems eventually, no matter how careful you are. I don't always know what will upset me until it happens or how I'm going to react to things."
Holding me tight to his chest, Jackson said, "You just have to remember this is me you're with, not anyone else."
If only it were that simple.
~
Sunday evening, while waiting for Jackson to get out of the shower, I laid across my bed already dressed in my pajamas. A part off me felt bad for brushing off his suggestion to move into our own house. Then again, a bigger part of me couldn't imagine why he would think I would be okay with moving out of my home.
Walking into my bedroom in his boxers, while still drying his hair with a towel, Jackson asked, "Do you want to come with me Wednesday?"
Sitting up, I replied, "I told Amila I would go talk to her about Charlotte when we got back. I'll probably go over there while you're at the center."
Tossing the towel onto the floor, Jackson sat down on the bed before laying back saying, "Are you sure? It's a lot of fun."
Giving him a little shove, I said, "You better pick that towel up off my floor."
"Yes ma'am," he laughed as he sat up and did as he was told.
Stretching out on my bed, I asked, "What do you want from me?"
"Sex, lots of sex," Jackson laughed as he flopped down on the bed next to me.
Rolling my eyes at him, I laughed, "I mean as your wife."
"Me too!" he assured.
Shaking my head at him, I clarified, "Other than the obvious things, what do you expect from me?"
"I don't know what you mean, Ren," he shared.
With a heavy sigh I said, "We never really discussed anything."
"What are you worried about? We're together," he replied.
Sitting up, I crossed my arms in front of my chest, saying, "I never said I was worried. I just think we should talk about the things we should have talked about the week between your proposal and our wedding day."
A low chuckle and an eye roll preceded Jackson asking, "Alright baby, what's on your mind?"
"Do you really expect me to change my whole life?" I answered.
Propping himself up on his elbow, Jacks said, "No, but I do expect it to be our life."
"See, that's what I'm talking about. What does that mean to you?"
Pulling me down next to him, he replied, "It means I get to spend every day for the rest of my life with you."
Trying not to get frustrated with him, I closed my eyes.
Jackson was being sweet, thoughtful and considerate, but I needed him to be honest. I noticed the disappointment in his eyes when I said no to each of his ideas since we had been home. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him. He needed to tell me what he wanted from me, so I could try for him.
Thinking of something I could compromise on, I scooted back a little, saying, "I feel like you had this all planned out for us and I'm ruining it for you."
Shaking his head at me, he said, "You're not."
Taking in his loving expression, I decided I should tell him about running into Henley on our honeymoon. At the time my mini breakdown was bad enough. I didn't want to spoil our time away together. Now we were back and I was feeling guilty about hiding that from him.
"Jacks, I need to tell you something," I shared.
His expression revealed instant concern as he asked, "Should I be worried?"
I gave a heavy sigh before replying, "No, it's just that while we were gone..." stopping me before I could finish, Jackson speculated, "Is this about the bath?"
Shrugging, I nodded, thinking 'sort of'.
Drawing in a deep breath, he gave a soft smile before saying, "Ren, whatever happened to you, it's over. All that stuff with that bastard and Hert and The Office, it's over."
"Yea, but..." I started before he stopped me again, assuring, "That's not your life anymore and it hasn't been for a long time. This is our life now and you shouldn't let what happened in the past keep you from being happy with me."
How could Jackson think I was unhappy with him?
I was letting everything that had absolutely nothing to do with him interfere. My guilt was no longer over hiding my run in with Henley from him, it was from punishing him for things he had no control over.
Resting my hand on his side, I scooted closer, saying, "You make me happy."
Leaning in, he brushed his lips against mine before whispering, "I love you."
Searching his eyes with mine, I asked, "How much?" as I cracked a smile.
"Get naked and I'll show you," he answered, pulling me against him.
Jackson's touch eased my conscience while showing me how much he loved me.
11
A Major Detail
Wednesday morning, Jackson and I took separate cars to work. He was going to the rec center and I was going to Amila's after work. The group of kids Jacks taught sports fundamentals to would be there at six thirty and that gave him no time in between. I just wanted to get my conversation with Amila about Charlotte over and done with as quickly as possible. I had no intention of doing anything for Charlotte, but since I promised Amila I would at least hear her out, I was going.
Laughing and shaking my head at Jackson as we walked into work, he was throwing his hands in the air and cheering for himself because he pulled into the parking lot about five seconds before I did.
Following him into his office, I teased, "It's hard to believe you are anyone's boss sometimes, you're just a big kid."
Smiling wide at me, he reminded, "Watch it missy. Don't forget, I'm your boss too."
Raising an eyebrow at him, I said, "Only from nine to six and its eight forty-five. So, you are not the boss of me right now."
"Then this won't be completely unethical," he said before shutting his door and locking it.
Shaking my head at him, I took a few steps back, saying, "No sir."
Making a pouty face, Jacks said, "But you're wearing my favorite shirt."
Glancing down at myself before looking back up at him, I replied, "It's just a regular button up shirt."
Jackson flashed a mischievous grin before sharing, "That shirt made Wednesday my favorite day of the week."
"Because it's green?" I asked, thinking he was just trying to get me to mess around with him in his office.
His smile beamed as he stepped in front of me, sharing, "That made it extra good but a... from where my desk used to be I could see into your shirt."
"What?"
Pulling me closer, Jacks slid his fingers into my shirt, between the buttons, saying, "When you leaned forward, I could see your bra through the gaps," before adding, "I never got any work done on
Wednesdays."
Wrapping my arms around his waist, I asked, "Is that why you moved all the cubicles back on the right side?"
Nodding, he leaned down and kissed me.
It was too bad everyone showed up for work on time because Jacks was close to fulfilling his fantasy of having me in his office before there was a knock on his office door.
~
After having a slow morning at work and unable to concentrate after Jackson shared his fantasy with me, I was happy it was lunchtime. On the way to a surprise location for lunch, I was hoping it was private.
Pulling around to the back door of The Bar, I saw Auggie's truck and a few other cars. A little disappointed we were not going to be alone, I was excited to see what they were doing inside.
"Surprise," Jacks laughed as we walked in the back door.
I gave him a little smile before heading straight for the room to the right in the back, saying, "I wanna see The Dog House first," with a wink.
Hoping to catch a minute alone with Jacks before he showed me the rest of The Bar, I stopped in the doorway when I saw William on the phone, sitting behind a desk, instead of the bed that used to sit against the wall.
"Oh, hey Ren," William greeted before saying, "I have to call you back," into the phone.
Forcing a smile, I replied, "Hey, is this your office?"
Sliding his cellphone into his pocket as he stood, William answered, "Yea, looks different right."
Glancing around to see a file cabinet and shelves, I said, "Yep," trying to hide my disappointment.
Walking up beside me, Jacks told William, "I'm going to show Ren what we're doing but I need to talk to you before we go."
Nodding, William said, "I'll be back here in my hole."
Jackson gave him a sympathetic smile before placing his arm around my shoulders and walking me into the main area.
Understanding why William had been banished to the back, the main area was under full reconstruction. William had pneumonia for the first time when he was five years old. That was the first of seven times total in his twenty three year old life so far. That, coupled with his asthma and chronic bronchitis made everyone in the family extra sensitive towards him and with all the construction going on you could actually see the dust in the air.
