by M. Sembera
"Get out of the car," I stated.
Handing me a set of keys through the unrolled window, Emerson instructed, "You can drive Amila's car."
"I have a few things to say to her," I assured, refusing the keys.
Emerson looked worried as he offered, "We can all talk when we get back."
Having to close my eyes for a moment because I was so angry, I really thought my eyeballs would burst, I shouted, "Get the hell out of the damn car Em!"
Emerson slowly opened the door and stepped out of the car.
"You are going to bring her back, right?" Emerson asked.
I gave him a quick nod, thinking, 'she's lucky I love y'all'.
Sliding into the driver's seat, I gripped the steering wheel tight before taking a breath and trying to gather my thoughts. I waited for Emerson to drive passed us before I pulled out onto the road.
"I'm waiting," Charlotte started.
Gritting my teeth, I ignored her.
Egging me on, she said, "Oh, I see."
Refusing to speak just because she wanted to get whatever I had to say over with, I continued to white knuckle the steering wheel.
The tone of her voice sharpened as Charlotte patronized, "I'm waiting for your holier than thou words of wisdom."
With a deep inhale I snapped, "Look little girl, I have had a hell of a day, so just be grateful I'm not saying anything to you and keep your mouth shut."
"William knows I'm not a little girl," she assured.
I snapped.
Swerving onto the shoulder as cars behind us honked, I slammed on the breaks and threw the shifter into park. Without a second thought, I reached over and grabbed her face with my hand. I looked her directly in the eyes, ready to tear into her.
The reality of what I was doing hit me at the same moment I realized why I hated her so much. Why I couldn't stand to look at her. Staring into Charlotte's eyes, I recognized the familiarity of them. Her eyes were a different color and shape than mine but they held the same hollowed brokenness that had reflected back at me in the mirror so many times. Suddenly, I knew why Emerson couldn't leave her at the orphanage and why Amila kept pushing for me to talk to her.
Slowly releasing her face, I whispered, "Just keep your mouth shut."
When Charlotte quietly nodded back, there was an understanding in her expression and I wondered if she recognized the similarity.
~
Allowing Emerson and Amila their time to parent Charlotte without my interference, I sat on the couch in their living room working hard at keeping my eyes open. The way I was feeling, it was all I could do to stay awake.
Glancing up when I saw Emerson sit down in a chair facing the couch, I said, "Nothing ever really changes does it."
His eyes were full of compassion as he replied, "You understand now."
Nodding, I admitted, "I hate her."
Taking a deep breath, Em started to say, "I know she's rough..."
Shaking my head, I clarified, "Not Charlotte."
It took him a moment but as Emerson watched my eyes fill with tears, he said, "Ren, you have grown so much."
Wiping my eyes before a tear could fall, I shared, "No I haven't. I haven't done a damn thing except maybe prolong the inevitable."
"Why are you saying that?" he asked before saying, "You and Jackson are finally together you're doing good."
Glancing away from him, I shared, "He left."
The tone of Emerson's voice changed as he questioned, "What did you do?"
I started to answer then stopped when I heard Amila fuss, "Why are you blaming her?" at Emerson.
Emerson looked at Amila then back at me before getting up and walking into the kitchen.
Instead of taking Emerson's place in the chair across from me, Amila sat down on the couch.
"Don't let him tell you it's your fault someone left you," she stated.
Swallowing hard, I explained, "Amila you're so sweet. But it is my fault."
Scowling at me, she argued, "Not if he chose to walk out on you. That's his fault."
With a little sigh, I replied, "As much as I love you for that, you don't know me like Emerson does. This was going to happen because I am who I am and I should have thought about that before I tried to be with Jackson. I hurt him and I knew better than to..."
"Amila, I need to speak with Ren in private, please," Emerson said, walking back into the room.
Looking up at Emerson, Amila frowned questioning, "What are you going to say to her?"
Emerson gave her an endearing expression before replying, "I am going to tell her what she needs to hear."
Nodding, she agreed, "Okay, I'll be upstairs."
Reaching over, she hugged me before making her way upstairs.
Emerson stood there silent for a few minutes.
"Come with me," he stated, before turning and walking into the kitchen.
I followed him through the kitchen and out of the back door. We made our way under a covered area between the house and the garage when Emerson stopped.
"You finally have a chance to be happy and you are going to pull that same old line of 'I don't belong with anyone' mantra," he asked.
With a heavy sigh, I asked, "Does Amila know everything? I mean about Sophia?"
Scowling, he replied, "No, I've never seen a reason to tell her."
Nodding, I shared, "You might as well because everyone is fixing to find out anyway."
"What?"
"Henley came back to town and told her he was her father," I shared.
Curious, Emerson questioned, "After all this time why would he comeback and how did he know? And why would she listen to a stranger?"
"Since Sophia and Ailin missed our wedding, they met up with me and Jacks on our honeymoon." I took a deep breath to gain my strength before continuing, "Sophia and I were out shopping when we ran into him. I panicked and told Sophia that I had no idea who he was," I looked down at my feet, avoiding Emerson's gaze, and continued, "Henley has been in town for a few weeks now. They came back today and I guess he found her and told her because she came to the house screaming at me, saying that I had lied to her her whole life."
Compassion filled Emerson's eyes as he reached out to hug me. I stepped back, putting both my hands up avoiding his outreach.
"Just don't."
Appearing hurt, Emerson asked, "Why do you act like you and I were never friends?"
Somehow, I knew this conversation was going to come up eventually.
Reflecting for a moment on how close Emerson and I used to be and how much I relied on him at one time in my life, I figured I owed him an explanation.
"I had to step away so you and Amila could have a real relationship, you know that," I said.
"You still could have come to me if you needed someone," he stressed.
Disagreeing, I snapped, "So you could hold my hand and say it's gonna be alright."
Emerson reached out to me a second time before I took two more steps back.
"I went to Hert, I met with Ignacio and neither one would or could stop this from happening," I shared before admitting, "I knew it would happen eventually. As much as I wished it never would I knew one day..."
Emerson broke in, saying, "That's why he left, isn't it. You didn't let Jackson know what was happening."
Deciding I was ready for this horrible day to be over, I griped, "Look, I'm gonna go home. I'm not going to feel better about anything and I'm not trying to feel worse about it either. Everything is over and I can accept that. I did it, I'm paying for it and I will move on just like I've done before."
"For someone who keeps saying they're moving on, you sure as hell don't ever go anywhere," Emerson stated.
Turning around, I questioned, "What are you talking about?"
Standing up tall in front of me, he replied, "I was a bad friend to you."
Shaking my head, I asked, "Why would you say that?"
"What friend would let you feel this way just to be close to you?" he replied.
Shr
ugging, I looked down.
Appearing as though he was having some sort of internal struggle, Emerson stepped in front of me.
With a serious expression, he shared, "I never tried to help you because if I did you wouldn't need me anymore. I am sorry for that. I'm also not that guy anymore. I cannot sit back and watch you do this to yourself again."
"Em, I don't think..." I started to say before he stepped even closer, saying, "Your parent's grave site is lovely. You know they are buried side by side." Searching his eyes with mine, I couldn't understand why he would say that as he continued, "Ever been by the house you grew up in? They rebuilt it about a year after it burned down."
"Emerson stop," I blurted.
Narrowing his eyes at me, he informed, "A family lives there. I drove by one day and there was a little girl playing with her father. Then her mom came out and hugged her. Such a loving family, so much better than yours."
I could feel my chest aching as I pushed away from him.
Grabbing hold of me, he continued, "Tell me why they hated you so much. What you did as a little girl to make your father beat you and your mother turn away. Why weren't you worth loving?"
"Stop," I breathed.
"It wasn't just them though, you devoted your whole being to someone that used you for sex and abused you in every way possible," he added before asking, "Do I need to bring Hert up?"
Struggling against him, I begged, "Please stop."
"You were just a means to an end with him and a reward for all his hard work," he assured.
Crying into his chest, I pleaded, "Stop."
"Was what happened that day at the old office your fault too?" he questioned pulling me away from him before he growled, "You give pieces of yourself to people that could not give a damn about you because you're not worth anything is that right? You don't deserve someone who is willing to love you like you're supposed to be loved." Em pulled me back to him and kissed the side of my head whispering, "Then why is it we love you so much? Ren, please let go of it and realize the only thing that's keeping you there is you."
18
An Agreement
After the 'talk' with Emerson, I couldn't seem to get a handle on my emotions. Amila kept the kids upstairs and I stretched out on the couch crying and being angry. Refusing to let Emerson give me false hope where Sophia and Jackson were concerned, I laid there willing myself to fall asleep.
~
Waking up on the Roberts' couch, I felt as if I had been hit by a bus. I wasn't surprised I felt horrible. I was surprised at how much I missed waking up with Jackson. It was a loneliness I had never experienced before. It felt like part of me was missing. Slowly sitting up, I looked over and saw Charlotte standing next to the couch.
"Can I help you?" I snapped, feeling uneasy about her watching me sleep.
With a heavy sigh, she informed, "Amila and Emerson took everyone to the park," then tossing a spiral on the coffee table, she stated, "There's my workbook."
Glancing around, I asked, "What time is it?"
"Eleven thirty, are we going do this or not?"
Blinking a few times in order to fully wake up, I looked at her and fussed, "You need to change your attitude with me real quick."
With a slight huff, she sat on the other end of the couch, saying, "I don't want to do this."
Not being able to really blame her, since I didn't either, I lifted her workbook off of the coffee table.
Flipping through the pages, I couldn't believe what all was expected of her. Clearly whoever put the book together had no idea what it was like for Charlotte. It required things of her that, to me, seemed unreasonable.
"They seriously want you to visit the place where you were most traumatized?" I griped before saying, "And then talk about how it makes you feel."
Giving me a 'see what I mean' look, Charlotte said, "Oh, wait until you get to the part where I have to look into the mirror each morning and chant, 'I am a worthwhile human being'."
Tossing her workbook back onto the table, I griped, "Okay, this is stupid."
Charlotte quickly replied, "Right!" before I informed, "But clearly you need help. So we're going to have to figure something out."
With an unhappy expression, she questioned, "So what's wrong with you?"
"A lot, but this isn't about me," I replied.
Shaking her head, she snapped, "I see, I'm supposed to tell you all my dirty little secrets but your life is private."
Her statement, although hard for me to admit, made me like her just a little bit.
Staring at her, I came up with an idea.
"Okay then, I'll make you a deal. I will share one thing about my life with you if you swear you and I will come up with our own steps to recovery and you will make an honest effort at not being the nightmare that you are," I offered.
A satisfied smile spread across her face as she asked, "Why were you crying last night?"
Clearing my throat, I answered, "Some of the mistakes I've made finally caught up with me."
"That was the vaguest answer in the history of the world," she laughed.
Rolling my eyes, I fussed, "That is why."
"Wow, that was so informative, I feel like I've known you my whole life now. We're like long lost sisters or something," she sarcastically remarked.
My frustration provoked me as I replied, "Alright smart ass. My daughter found out I had lied to her her whole life about who her father was and then my husband left me because I don't know how to be in a functional relationship. Happy now?"
Charlotte stared at me for a long moment before saying, "I'm sorry."
Making a face at her, I said, "Yea, okay."
"I really am. William told me at your wedding that Jackson waited his whole life to be with you," she shared.
Focusing more on Charlotte, helped the tears that were threatening my eyes, to subside as I asked, "Is that how you know him? From my wedding?"
Nodding, she replied, "I know it was wrong for me to lie to him. Do you think he will forgive me?"
With a heavy sigh, I shared, "William isn't going to be the problem. He really does care for you."
Charlotte appeared remorseful as she explained, "He's so sweet. I didn't even mean to lie. When I met him, he asked who I belonged to. I said nobody and that I was staying with Emerson and Amila. I think he took it as I was just visiting or something and I never corrected him." Suddenly she was emotional as she shared, "I've been with guys since I was thirteen. No one was ever that nice. He actually asked to hold my hand. I...I wanted to know what it was like to be with someone like him."
Trying to grasp what she shared with me, I stated, "Okay first step. No sex at all with anyone."
Glaring at me, she replied, "That's a little drastic."
"You are seventeen," I snapped.
With a short exhale she said, "Fine. So how do I see William without Emerson flipping out?"
Shocked, I informed, "Oh you are not going to see him. Emerson is the least of your worries where William is concerned. As soon as his family, especially Auggie, finds out and they will, it's going to be bad."
"Is he the jerk with the beard that walked with you at your wedding?" she asked.
Nodding, I answered, "Yes and he was happy that day. Auggie has always been protective of William because he was sick a lot and they're closer than the rest of the kids."
"I'm not scared of him," she assured before I explained, "I'm sure you're not but you don't understand how their family works and Emerson and Jackson have been friends for years. We are all family in a way. This is going to cause enough trouble on its own without you making it worse."
"I just want to say I'm sorry," she pouted.
Giving her a serious look, I suggested, "Then write him a letter."
Charlotte begrudgingly nodded.
When Emerson and Amila returned from the park with the rest of the kids, I thanked them for letting me stay the night and said I would be back after work the next day to talk to Charlotte.
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~
Sitting on my bed, I closed my eyes. Both of Jackson's bags and all his suits from the closet in my extra room were gone. I never imagined my house would feel so empty. Not wanting to know what he did with our Ren&Jacks that fell off of the wall, it was gone too. The only thing he left was our marriage license. Holding it in my hand, it was on the bed when I got home.
I wondered what Sophia was doing, I wanted so badly to hug her and say how sorry I was for hurting her. When I called her, she hung up. I called back and Ailin said he was sorry but she wasn't going to talk to me. Grateful for Ailin, at least she wouldn't be dealing with the reality of having me as a mother alone. He would love her and she would rely on him to help her make it through. She knew how to do that.
19
Speculations
Forgetting to wash a load of clothes, with everything that went on over the weekend, started my Monday morning completely off balance. I was forced to break my routine of Monday morning attire and wear black slacks and a maroon v-neck sweater with black heels.
After purposely waiting ten extra minutes to leave the house, hoping Jackson would be in his office by the time I arrived, I did not want to get caught outside in the parking lot with him. I drove a little under the speed limit also, in an effort to kill even more time.
By the time I quickly walked into work, waved at Mrs. Oleander as I passed her receptionist desk, made my way through the office and sat down at my desk, it was exactly nine o'clock. With an accomplished sigh, I told myself, this was my new routine.
Reaching over to flip my computer on, I heard my phone buzz.
With a light exhale I picked up the receiver and said, "Yes."
Jackson's tone was stale as he informed, "You're late."
"No, I was not late. I just wasn't early," I disagreed.
"Can I see you in my office," he requested.
I closed my eyes and paused before saying, "I will be in there to file reports after the meeting."
When there was not an immediate response from him, I hung up my phone and resumed my morning duties.
As I headed to the meeting room, I concentrated on looking directly in front of myself and hoped Jackson was nowhere in my line of sight. I successfully made it to the room without seeing him. It occurred to me he might be doing the same because right before announcements, Jackson glanced in my direction and then quickly turned and stared right at me. Swallowing hard, the only thing I could think to do was look away. When I did, I caught sight of Marabeth who was glaring at the two of us with an interested expression on her face.
