Friends With Multiple Benefits

by Luke Young

  “Was it a handjob?” He shrugged giving her a hopeful look.

  “Sadly, that’s not it either.” She placed her foot in his lap and wiggled her toes. “Here’s a hint.”

  “Okay, I think I have it now. A footjob.” He leaned back and folded his hands behind his head. “I’m not crazy about those, but I’m game.”

  “I don’t think the word job was even mentioned.” She shot him a scolding look. “Here’s another hint—it was massage related.”

  “Oh, you were going to give me a back rub. Now I remember.” He widened his eyes pointing to the sofa. “Should we do it here or do you want to go upstairs?”

  She sighed, holding back a laugh. “Look Brian Nash, either you finish my foot rub or you’ll never hear the word job again in this house.”

  “Gotcha.” He took her foot into his hand and worked her heal.

  She moaned in delight and her eyes drifted closed. Suddenly the doorbell rang and she frowned. “Really?”

  “Are you expecting anyone?”

  “No.”

  “Maybe they’ll just go away.”

  They paused a moment to listen then shared a smile as he began working her toes one by one. After a few seconds, the doorbell rang twice. Jillian sighed. “Crap, you better go see who it is before they wake up the babies.”

  He took off for the foyer and pulled open the front door. He discovered Victoria and Jim standing on the porch. Brian gave them a tired look. “Hey, we’re kind of in the middle of something, so—”

  “What?” Victoria pushed open the door and stepped around him. “This is important.”

  Jim shrugged then trailed behind his wife as she headed toward the back of the house.

  “Where’s Jillian?”

  “She’s back there, but keep it down the babies are asleep,” Brian whispered.

  Upon seeing her friend, Jillian sighed. “This really isn’t a great time.”

  “What?” Victoria placed an envelope down on the coffee table then sat on the other sofa. “Were you blowing him or something?”

  Brian grumbled, “No, she wasn’t.”

  “A handjob then?”

  Jim sat next to his wife and held back a laugh.

  “No, it wasn’t that either,” Jillian said.

  “Yeah, we just went through all the jobs ourselves.” Brian returned to his seat and pulled his wife’s foot back into his lap. “And it was none of them.”

  Jillian and Brian shared a knowing look. “That’s right.”

  “What are you even talking about?” Victoria narrowed her eyes.

  “Inside joke.” Jillian shrugged.

  “Okay.” Victoria sighed. “Guess what I have in that envelope?”

  “Pictures of the two of you doing it, that you are submitting to Penthouse for their Cougar Couples issue.” Brian shot her a grin.

  “Noooaah…” Victoria gasped then her eyes brightened. “Wait, do they actually have that, because that would be cool to be—”

  “I’m kidding.” Brian rolled his eyes.

  “Well, they should have that.” Victoria put on a smug look. “We would be perfect for that and you two could be in it with us.”

  “Maybe if I lose the baby weight,” Jillian said.

  “You look amazing just as you are.” Brian used both hands on her foot now. “You are camera ready now.”

  “Aw…” She smiled. “Maybe there is a job in your near future.”

  Beaming, Brian raised his eyebrows suggestively. “Cool.”

  “Can we get back to my envelope?” Victoria sighed.

  “Sure, Victoria, please tell us what’s in your envelope,” Jillian replied in a slow, condescending voice.

  “Fine. You don’t want to know. Let’s just talk about something else then.” Victoria folded her arms.

  “Just tell her,” Jim grumbled.

  “Keep it up,” she scolded. “And there won’t be any jobs in your near future either.”

  “Hey, two can play at that game. I can withhold my affections too and someone seems to be a little… let’s call it needy… since she’s had that super-cock client.”

  “Shh.” Victoria waved her hand at him. “We’re not supposed to talk about a client like this.”

  “What? I’m not being specific,” Jim replied.

  “Could we not talk about Anaconda, please?” Brian grumbled.

  “Oh, still too soon?” Victoria asked in a patronizing tone. “It’s been months.”

  “Why yes, yes it is. I’m not sure I’ll ever forget.” Brian flashed an angry glare to his wife.

  “You’re just going to have to move on from that,” Jillian said.

  “No means no, Jillian.”

  “I don’t recall hearing you say no.”

  “Now that I think about it…” Brian looked to the ceiling, “… maybe I never said it.”

  “Uh-huh.” Jillian frowned.

  “But that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel it.”

  “Who are you Jodi Foster from the Accused or something?” Victoria sighed. “She was playing someone who was actually raped, not this… this silliness.”

  Brian shot them a raised-eyebrow look. “Have you ever heard of marital rape? I was watching Doctor Phil the other—”

  “Just shut it,” Jillian snapped.

  Victoria sighed. “Can we talk about what’s in my envelope now?”

  “Definitely.” Jillian let out a long, slow breath. “Please.”

  “Okay, so after our last discussion about Miss Amanda Joseph, I used some of my Hollywood connections to try to get to the bottom of her whole infatuation with girly man here.” Victoria motioned with her thumb toward Brian.

  “Hey.” Brian glared at her, insulted.

  “If the panties fit…” Victoria grumbled. “Anyway, it turns out that Amanda Joseph’s real last name is Dumbrowski and she grew up in Raleigh, North Carolina. Evidently she had a childhood run-in with one Jillian Evans.” Victoria looked pointedly to her friend. “Now the best-selling author.”

  “A run-in?” Jillian took a moment to think. “I lived in Durham, so we didn’t go to high school together or anything. Where are you getting this information?”

  “Amanda’s former assistant, Rachel is now Emma Stone’s assistant and the agent I know at C.A.A. used to be the college roommate of Emma’s manager’s husband’s best friend.”

  “What?” Jillian asked with her head spinning. “Who’s roommate?”

  “Never mind. Just think back. Did you ever go to summer camp?”

  “Every year for like five years straight.” Jillian shot them a sickened look. “I hated it.”

  “Okay, did you maybe steal a certain overweight young woman’s boyfriend at some point?”

  “What? No…” Jillian narrowed her eyes. “Never.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Wait, Dumbrowski?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Dumbo.” Jillian’s eyes got as big as saucers.

  “Dumbo?” Victoria asked.

  “AmanDumbo.” Jillian’s jaw fell open. “Amanda Joseph is AmanDumbo. That can’t be.”

  “Oh, I think it is.” Victoria nodded.

  “Really? Wow.”

  “You called her AmanDumbo?” Brian asked.

  “Oh, I never did.” Jillian shook her head.

  Victoria shot her a skeptical look.

  “Okay, maybe it slipped out once by mistake.” Jillian shrugged. “All the kids were calling her that. Everyone was so mean to her, but I was always nice.”

  “Really?”

  “I think…” Jillian paused then her expression morphed into a frown. “I think she was the one who was mean to me.” She motioned to her chest. “I hadn’t developed yet. No breasts at all. It was horrible.”

  “I can’t picture you with no breasts,” Brian replied casually.

  “Every woman starts off with no breasts babe,” Jillian said.

  “I know, but—”

  “I developed early,” Victoria announ
ced proudly.

  “That’s a shock.” Jillian made a face. “Anyway, I think she was the one making fun of me. She had these big ones, you know, she was a little heavy. And she was just a mean kid. She had these large teeth and really giant ears too—that’s where the Dumbo came from.”

  “I can’t believe that Amanda Jo was ever overweight,” Brian said.

  “Yeah, that seems hard to picture,” Jim agreed. “And I saw her naked.”

  “Thanks for sharing.” Victoria rolled her eyes. “So who is this guy you stole from her?”

  “I never stole anyone’s boyfriend and no offense to Miss Dumbrowski, I can’t imagine she had one.”

  “Well, she claims she did, that you stole him at summer camp and now she’s out for revenge.”

  “This doesn’t make any sense,” Jillian said.

  Victoria raised her eyebrows. “Rachel said that Amanda said you were a slut and you let some boy named Jeffrey finger you in the woods.”

  “Finger me in the woods?” Jillian scoffed. After pausing a moment, a look of realization washed over her face. “Oh, yeah, I did let this boy, um, you know, we were making out and…”

  “You little slut you.” Victoria wagged her finger at her.

  “Jillian…” Shaking his head, Brian frowned at his wife. “Really, fingered at camp?”

  “What? I was young and he was cute.”

  “Evidently Miss Dumbrowski thought so too,” Victoria replied.

  “You’re a total cliché. Next you’ll be telling us you lost your virginity in the backseat of a car,” Brian said.

  “I don’t want to talk about it.” Jillian shot him a snotty look.

  “That sounds like a yes.” Brian chuckled. “Your life is totally like an eighties movie.”

  “God, why are we putting my sex life under a microscope here?”

  “Lay off her, Bri,” Victoria scolded. “Getting fingered for the first time can be very traumatizing.”

  Jillian grinned. “As I recall it was pretty amazing.”

  “So did you return the favor?” Victoria flashed her a sexy smile.

  “No,” Jillian began. “I was too scared.”

  “You didn’t even touch it?”

  “I think I brushed my hand against it through his shorts.” Jillian shrugged. “Maybe for a few seconds.”

  The three shook their heads in disappointment.

  Jim said, “That was not cool. You left him all worked up.”

  “I know. I know. I was young.”

  “Amanda was supposed to be the one fingered in the woods that night. She blames you and, evidently, she’s never forgotten it.”

  “This is just crazy.” Jillian turned to Victoria.

  “Do you think it’s just a coincidence that she campaigned to be in your movie and now hijacked the television show?” Victoria asked. “You can’t think she was actually in love with the material?”

  “What do you mean?” Jillian sneered. “The book was great and so was the movie.”

  “There could have been so much more male nudity and the Victoria character could have been featured a whole lot more.”

  “Okay.” Jillian sighed. “Please stop complaining about Victoria in the movie.”

  “I’m entitled to my opinion.”

  “Just stop sharing it with me.”

  “Fine.” Victoria folded her arms.

  Frowning, Jillian shook her head. “This seems like a lot to go through just to get revenge. Why would she invest years of her life over some stupid little thing from twenty-five years ago?”

  “Because she’s a whacked-out of her mind, coddled celebrity. We’re not talking about a normal human being here. Remember Renee Zellweger?”

  “Yeah, what about her.”

  “In Jerry Maguire she looked adorable and seemed normal. A few years after that movie, she got a lot of plastic surgery and now her face looks like she’s perpetually smelling something foul.”

  Jim’s eyes brightened. “Yeah, and didn’t she marry Kenny Chesney for like a weekend.”

  “Yeah, she did.” Victoria nodded. “She really lost it. And maybe Amanda has gone off the deep end too. She is so obsessed with getting even that she’s even willing to sleep with Bri Bri here to get back at you.” Victoria shot Brian a frown.

  “Hey.”

  Victoria jeered. “Come on, did you really think she was so captivated with you that she just had to have you? I mean, she could pretty much have any man she wants and she’s been following you around like she’s got some deadly vagina disease and your dick is the only cure.”

  “You guys are just jealous.” Brian folded his arms.

  “Okay…” Victoria rolled her eyes. “So what are we going to do about this?”

  “About what?”

  “Stopping her. She’s trying to sleep with your husband. She’s trying to ruin your career and your TV show.”

  “I don’t know.” Jillian shrugged. “I could talk to the network.”

  “They love her and she’ll just deny it.” Victoria wore an evil smile. “I have an idea.”

  “I don’t think I want to hear this,” Jillian grumbled.

  “No, this is good.”

  “All right, let’s hear it.” Brushing, the hair out of her face, Jillian sighed.

  “Okay.” Victoria moved to the edge of her seat. “Have any of you read Gone Girl?”

  Jim and Brian shook their heads. Brian said, “That’s a chick book.”

  “I read it.” Jillian replied hesitantly. “Don’t tell me you want to kill her.”

  “No, better.” Victoria raised an eyebrow. “We get Brian to move in with her and start dating her and—”

  “No, come on.”

  “Just listen. He keeps a secret diary and records a pattern of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of the crazy bitch.” Jim, Brian, and Jillian all looked at her like she was out of her mind as she continued, “Then when we have enough diary entries to properly frame her, we leave some of Brian’s blood behind. We stage the crime scene and he disappears. It’s perfect.” Victoria looked at the three of them with her eyes wide, waiting.

  “And how long does all this take?” Jillian asked, frowning.

  “A couple weeks, maybe a month, tops.”

  “So, let me get this straight…” Jillian lifted her palms in the air. “You want me to let my husband move in and have sex with Amanda for a month.”

  “Yes, just while we craft the diary and lay the groundwork for his…” Victoria made quote marks with her fingers, “… murder.”

  “You know, that’s not the worst plan in the world,” Brian said, his words trailing off sheepishly.

  “Shut up Jodi…” Jillian began with a snarl. “Before I have rough sex with you again.”

  “Hey, rape is nothing to joke about.”

  “Um, yeah, when we’re talking about an actual rape.” Jillian scoffed. “You should be ashamed of yourself playing the rape card in your situation.”

  “Okay, you’re right, but the penis is not indestructible, you know. It can break.” Brian gazed around the room, seemingly for support. He only found a friendly face in his brother.

  “He’s right. Those woman-on-top positions can sometimes be scary. This one time—” Jim cut off his thought when he noticed his wife glaring at him.

  “Anyway…” Victoria turned to her friend, “… what do you think?”

  “What do I think?” Wearing a confused expression, Jillian shook her head quickly. “About what!”

  “The fake murder plan,” Victoria said in an exhausted voice.

  “Oh, yeah, um, how long would you say Brian would need to lay low after his supposed disappearance?”

  “Twelve, maybe eighteen months at the most.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “You know, you need time for the investigation and the trial and all that,” Victoria replied casually.

  “Okay.” Jillian stared back at her with an unreadable expression.

  “So Jillian
, are you in?”

  “I don’t know.” Jillian shot Jim and Brian a crazy-eyed look then returned her attention to the mastermind. “Is it just me or does all this seem a tad extreme.”

  Victoria replied, “She’s already taken this to another level and I really think you need to think outside the box here and fight fire with fire.”

  Jillian opened her mouth to speak, but had nothing. Instead she paused a moment, took a deep breath, then began, “While there are parts of your plan that I like. There are some definite drawbacks.”

  Victoria said, “Okay, maybe we can change some of the details like—”

  “No, let’s not spend any more time going through that. For now, let’s just put a pin in this and we’ll call it plan B.”

  With the wind pulled from her sails, Victoria sulked, disappointed. “Okay.”

  “I think I’m just going to have a talk with her and explain. I’ll tell her that I didn’t realize that I stole Jeffery from her and that I never really called her AmanDumbo.”

  “Good luck with that,” Victoria grumbled.

  “So, what the hell is in the envelope?” Brian asked with an edge to his voice. “You never opened it.”

  “Oh, it’s just the email I printed from my contact at C.A.A.” Victoria shrugged.

  “I told you everything. It just felt cool to bring it over in an envelope.”

  Brian and Jillian shared a look then the four sat around in awkward silence for about thirty seconds before the attractive spy and her young husband got the message. Apparently it was time to leave so the foot rub could lead to a calf rub then, hopefully, wind up in full body land.

  46

  The next morning, Jillian headed to the studio to find Amanda. She knocked on her dressing room door and there was no answer. After speaking with one of the production assistants, she found out that Amanda’s call time wasn’t until noon that day.

  Jillian headed down the hall to her office and began reading scripts. About an hour later she walked into the bathroom and slipped into one of the stalls. Suddenly the door opened and she heard footsteps on the hard tile floor. As Jillian tore off a piece of toilet paper, a phone rang followed by a brisk shrill voice saying, “Where the hell have you been?”

  Leaning forward, Jillian peered through the gap next to the door.

  Amanda was bent over the sink, studying her face in the mirror, with the phone to her ear. “Andrew, next time I call, you pick up. I want out of this, this, whatever the hell this is!”