Caged In

by J. D. Lowrance

“Where you going?” Charlie asked as I stood up.

  “Bathroom and a refill. Want one?” I really needed to talk to Hogan alone to head off any craziness he would try to throw at me, but she did not have to know that.

  “Sure,” she smiled before turning back to whatever nonsense Locke was spewing.

  I turned to see Hogan was headed inside with a girl on each arm. That was probably what I looked like a little more than six months ago, but seeing someone else do it made me realize how pathetic it looked. How desperate I probably looked to anyone who actually paid attention. The self-hate I was working to get over came roaring back. My heart hammered in my chest as my palms got sweaty. Everything felt like it was closing in until I turned and found Charlie’s green eyes on me. They were creased in worry, as she started to stand to come to me if I needed her. Relief swift and sure filled me. I shook my head, letting her know I was okay. Charlie cocked her eyebrow as if to ask if I was sure. I nodded before making my way into the house.

  Hogan was not in the kitchen, but I could hear giggling from the front room. I hesitated, thinking maybe I should do this tomorrow, but determination set in knowing I needed this out of the way so I could get Charlie on board with my idea.

  “Yo, Hogan. Can I talk to you for a minute?” I asked as I entered the room. The drugs and groupies and the scene they made should have had me turning around and walking back out to Charlie. But just the mention of Charlie in my mind had me more determined than ever to get this out of the way.

  “Sure thing buddy. Come on in. Have a seat,” Hogan said as he patted the seat next to him. I took a deep breath and walked over and sat down. As I did, the rest of the groupies walked into the room. The few already there were quite busy. One was cutting the coke, another was lining it up while two sat and watched. An eagerness in their eyes that I knew too well. Two that just joined us started making out with each other. Another one pawed at Hogan as he leaned back, adjusting himself with one hand while the other roamed her body. “What do you want to talk about?

  “I am going to ask Charlie to join us on tour.” There it was, out there. No turning back now. The statement alone made me excited for the tour to start, for my band and my girl to be on the road together.

  “Are you sure?” His confidence never wavered. “I mean, it is like taking sand to the beach. I mean, look around you,” he said, motioning to all the women. “Why give all this up for one girl? Sure, keep her on the side, but on tour? Leave the wifey at home where she belongs, so the boys can go out and play.”

  “It’s not like that man,” I argued. “I want Charlie with me. I am over all this.” It was my turn to gesture around the room. “I want more.”

  “More of what? More girls? More drugs? Tell me so I can make it happen.”

  “Naw, man. That’s not what I mean.” One of the girls, I think her name was Mercedes, came to stand in front of me and then dropped to her knees between my feet.

  “What are you doing?” I asked as I started to push her away.

  “Your turn,” she cooed, holding up a square mirror with three lines of coke on it.

  I said, “No, thanks,” at the same time Hogan urged, “One line ain’t gonna kill you.” I tried to stand up, but another girl sat right next to me blocking my exit.

  “Ok,” I yelled, wanting everyone to back off for a second so I could get my bearings.

  “Charlie.” Hogan’s voice was patronizing. “Welcome to the party.”

  I stopped breathing. My mind went blank. I started to push through the mess I just made, of what I could only imagine Charlie was seeing. The drugs. The women. Me in the middle of it. But her voice, so cool and detached had me rooted to my spot. My eyes found her, standing in the doorway. Her feet braced apart as if readying for a fight, but her eyes . . . God her eyes . . . held heart ache and misery. Fight for us baby . . . for me. “It’s ok. It’s time for me go,” and with that her flight instincts took over and she was gone.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Charlie

  How stupid can one person be? I was an idiot. A stupid, fucking idiot for believing anything could be different. Cage was in his glory as women pawed at him and drugs were shoved in his face, hell, up his nose. My heart hurt, like someone just ripped it out and stomped-on-it-kind of hurt. Blackness crept around the corners of my eyes and I realized I was not breathing. I gulped air as I staggered down the hallway.

  “Where are you going?” Locke asked as I pushed past him and out the front door.

  “I just need to get the fuck out of here. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck,” I yelled as a panic started to set in. Cage drove so I did not have a way out of this hellhole. Shit. What was I going to do? I turned back and saw Locke standing in the entryway. “Did you drive?”

  “Aye, but lashed a little too hard to be drivin’ ya anywhere.” Locke did look a little intoxicated as he made his way over to me.

  “Then can I borrow your keys? I just need to get to Nate’s. Cage knows where he lives and you can get your car later or tomorrow or something.”

  “Why are you in such a rush?”

  “I just need some space to think. Please Locke. Please,” I begged, my hands together. Knuckles white as I pleaded with everything in me.

  “Fine,” he gritted through clenched teeth. “Cage is gonna lamp me for this one.” I had a good idea it meant lame or maim or maybe even kill, but did not care as long as he gave me his keys. “It’s the red one,” he pointed out.

  “Bye Locke,” I whispered, thinking this might be the last time I ever saw in person as I turned and ran towards the bright red Porsche that was thankfully parked on the street and not blocked in. I got in and started the car, again thankful to that rat bastard Cage that he taught me how to drive stick. As I pulled out, Cage was running out the front door and across the lawn in an attempt to stop me. Over the roar of the engine, I heard him scream for me to stop. There might have even been an “I love you.”

  Well I loved him too, but that did not change the fact that he was still him and it seemed nothing got between him and his drugs. I felt hollowed out and empty as I made my way to the highway. How could he do this to me? Why was I so dense? Shame at being so stupid and a profound ache settled deep within me. God I loved him, so much . . . so very, very much. How he could he do this? Tears ran down my cheeks as I sobbed.

  I should not have been driving, but I needed to get to Nate’s house. SHIT. Locke would tell Cage I was headed there. What to do? What to do? A plan started to form and instead of talking the highway south towards Nate’s, I took it North towards the airport. Finding my phone in my purse, I dialed my agent knowing from experience that work was the only way to get through this. Fake it until you make it.

  After one ring, Jenn’s voice came through. “I got a job in Boca Raton, Paris, or Milan. All asked for you, but I told them you were taking time off. I am sure any would drop whoever they picked up for you.” I loved that about Jenn. No bullshit, no small talk. Just business. She knew enough about me to know I only called when I wanted a job or out of wherever I was.

  “Whichever I can get to the quickest,” I said as a horn honked at me as I swerved into the other lane. My heart drummed in my chest and I flicked off the other driver and picked up even more speed.

  “Boca Raton it is. When can you get there?” Another horn, another middle finger salute.

  “Heading to the airport now.”

  “Don’t need to. You can just drive there from Miami.”

  “I can?”

  “Yep, I will text the info.”

  “Make it TONIGHT. I want out of Miami.”

  “Are you sure? It is already nine there. Plus you sound really upset. Should you be driving?”

  “I’m fine. Just send me the directions,” I demanded. I was her easiest client, never asking for anything so she knew I meant business.

  “Consider it done.”

  And it was. Within minutes I got a text with the directions. A little over an hour and I would be there. Another text sa
id that she was waiting to hear back from the Boca Raton photographer, and that I needed to call her when I got into town. A third text was my hotel information.

  My next call would be the hardest, but Nate needed to know I was okay. He picked up on the first ring as well.

  “Hey,” I said.

  “Where are you?” Nate’s voice was laced with concern.

  “Driving up 95 to a job in Boca.”

  “Come back,” Nate urged, “please Charlie. Cage just showed up and he is beside himself. You need to talk to him.”

  “I can’t Nate.” I started to cry again. “What I saw can’t be unseen. He wants that life more than he wants me.”

  “I don’t know girlie girl.” His nickname for me, earning a small smile even though he could not see it.

  “I just need time.”

  “No. What you need is to stop running away. Sometimes you need to stay and fight for the things you want.”

  “I will when something is worth fighting for,” I countered.

  “I think you are wrong on this one. I think you need to hear his side.”

  “Why? So I can get sucked back into believing we have a chance.” My voice got higher with each word. “I can’t do this again,” I wailed.

  “Charlie.” Cage’s voice silenced me. “Please don’t go Charlie.”

  “Cage?”

  “I’m at Nate’s. I explained everything to him.” I did not want to hear anything he had to say.

  “Put Nate on,” I demanded.

  “No.” He said it so matter-of-factly.

  “Yes. Damn it.”

  “He wouldn’t have given me the phone if he thought I wronged you.” Cage did have a point there. “Nate would break me in two if he thought I hurt you. Hell, I got the shiner to prove it.”

  I gasped. “He hit you?”

  “As soon as he opened the door and you weren’t with me. Charlie, please come back.”

  I did not respond. Mostly because I did not know what to say. I just needed time. “I just need time Cage. This, you . . . it is a lot to handle and then add your band, the tour . . . hell . . . your past, and I just think there is too much to add an us to the mix.”

  “NO! Charlie you are wrong. It’s you. The band and everything else can go to hell in a hand basket. If I have you . . .” His voice trailed off. “Just please come back so we can talk. I can explain. I can make this right.”

  Cage waited patiently for me. Mile after mile passed as I drove further and further away from him, and the mistake I made in being with him again. Time may not have healed my wound, but at least it scabbed over enough that I could live my life. Now, that old wound was torn open, bleeding and festering beyond anything I knew how to patch up. So I relied on what I had done in the past to get over things. I tucked these feelings away, put on a brave face. Fake it until you make it.

  “Good-bye Cage.”

  Then I cut off his argument as I hung up the phone and turned it off.

  Cage

  Charlie’s last words were on repeat as I stared at Nate’s phone. A hand on my shoulder brought me out of my living nightmare. I was at a complete loss as to what to do. “What just happened?” I swore not even an hour ago I was forming a plan to get Charlie on tour with me and now she was telling me good-bye, as if those words provided the explanation I needed on why this was happening. I messed up. I get that. But damn it. Why wasn’t she willing to give me five minutes to explain?

  “You need to go after her.” Nate informed me.

  “What? She is the one who ran away. She is the one who won’t give me a chance to explain. I was going to ask her to come on tour with me. To really be with me. And she won’t even talk to me. She won’t even listen.”

  “Then make her,” pushed Nate.

  “Like it is that easy. I don’t even know where she is going.”

  “Boca Raton.” What?

  “That’s only an hour from here.” A small flicker of hope ignited within me.

  “I know. She jumped on a job like she always does when she wants space or someone gets too close. Charlie has been doing that ever since she came to live with my family. Keeping everyone at arms’ length.”

  “She doesn’t keep you there.” A sudden bout of jealousy roared its ugly head at Nate’s relationship with Charlie.

  “Because I don’t let her. I make her acknowledge me and how she feels for me. It took a while, but eventually it became second nature. You left. Her mother OD’ed the summer before we went to college. Everyone leaves her, so now she leaves first.”

  “Her mother died?”

  “Yeah. The only people at her burial were Charlie, my mom and dad, and me. No one else cared. She left the next day for USC, claiming summer classes, but it was really just her running away. When I get too close, she jumps on a plane to another job. My parents have her home for a holiday, within a few days she is back on a plane. Charlie is running scared right now.”

  “Why are you telling me this?”

  “Because you are it for her man. I have never seen Charlie as alive and open and just happy as I saw her today. You did that man. You gave her what she needed to be that.” I nodded, because that was how Charlie made me feel. I could only hope I did the same for her. “And you man. I don’t know you very well at all, but when you look at Charlie you are a different man.”

  “Jesus Maxwell. You saw all that shit in the one time you saw us together?”

  “I know Charlie and I see you right now. Don’t let her run man. You have to go to her.”

  “How?”

  “Isn’t she in your buddy’s car?” I nodded. “LoJack that shit.”

  Nate Fucking Maxwell was a pure genius. I bear hugged him before racing out of the house and back to the party to get Locke and to “LoJack that shit.”

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Charlie

  Sleep was not coming tonight as my mind played tricks on me. What if there was an explanation? What if Nate was right and I should let Cage explain? Why did it matter anyway because Cage was leaving for his tour? I saw all those sexed up groupies swimming around the band just waiting for the right look or a wink. I could not compete with tits and ass that was at the ready when I was hundreds of miles away. Plus we spent one night together. How could I expect anything?

  He said he loved you. But did he really mean it? Within 24 hours of seeing him again, there were drugs at the ready.

  But he ran after you. He did not stay and partake. He came running after me to explain, to talk . . . to lie?

  Why would he lie? But I ran away.

  Why did he let me? Because I did not give him a chance.

  The truth was always in his eyes and his eyes were worried and scared when I pulled away. His eyes were clear with no hint of haze.

  What should I do? Well lying in bed was not going to solve any of my problems. I got up and paced back and forth. My phone was still off, so I went over and turned it on. A few seconds later it chimed with a voice mail from Nate’s phone. Hitting play, I listened to Nate’s voice.

  “Charlie. You do need to listen to Cage. You know I would never let anything hurt you. At least give him a chance to explain and then make your decision. You owe it to yourself and to him. If nothing else it will give you the closure you need to really move on if that is what you choose.”

  I broke down again at listening to my adopted brother tell me I was making a mistake. I was so confused. What I saw warred with what I wanted to be true. I loved Nate and he was right that he would never let anything happen to me. I needed to trust him. I needed to hear Cage out. I needed to go back to him.

  Cage

  I parked next to Locke’s Porsche and walked into Charlie’s hotel, praying that her final words to me were not true. Being too late was not an option. In the elevator all I could think about was her slamming the door on my face before I got a chance to say everything I needed to say to her. Fuck it! Sheer determination raced through my veins as I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was no
t leaving until I said my piece. My phone beeped with a text message. Room 202. Nate was turning into a key ally in all of this.

  It was now or never.

  I knocked on the door, praying that when she looked through the peep-hole and saw it was me that she would still open it. A sigh of relief left me when the door slowly opened.

  “Hi.” Charlie’s voice was so tentative. I took a step towards the door, gripping it so that she could not close it on me.

  “Hey baby,” I said softly. Not waiting for her to ask, I pushed on the door letting myself in. “We need to talk.”

  “I agree.” Her voice became stronger.

  “I know what you saw was bad, but I swear to God, on the band, on whatever you need me to swear on that I did not touch the drugs or the women,” I explained. I bent my knees so that we were eye level as I continued. “I was trying to placate Hogan, because I was telling him that you were coming on tour with us. I did not want a confrontation with him about it and I thought by sitting there with him I could get him to see that it was a good idea. But I was wrong.”

  “I feel as if he liked me coked out so that I went where he told me to go, dated whoever he placed on my arm. Now, he’s pissed that his front man doesn’t fall in line. I was too caught up on trying to make it easy on myself that I made it hard on you. I put myself in that situation and when you came in and saw me.” I paused, shaking my head to rid it of the painful image. “The world of hurt and pain I saw in your eyes paralyzed me and when I finally got my shit together you were already gone. I ran out back, but you weren’t there so I raced out front to see you leaving in Locke’s car.”

  Tears ran down her cheeks. I slowly reached out to wipe them away, giving her plenty of time to back away if she did not want my touch. When my fingertips grazed her cheeks, sparks flew up my arm straight to my heart, lighting it on fire. Her eyes widened in response, telling me she felt something similar. “Say you forgive me for not putting you first. Say you will forgive me for letting the needs of someone else come before you. Say . . .”