Succubus 3 (The Good The Bad And The Crazy Stupid Hot): A LitRPG Series

by A. J. Markam

  “Wait to loot it until later!” the Fire Mage yelled at me.

  “I’m not a fuckin’ idiot,” I snarled at her as I switched back to helping Hodin.

  Between his hammer strikes and our attacks, the second worm died a few seconds later.

  “Jesus,” Hodin moaned as he stumbled to his feet.

  “Oh, you know him too?” Meera called out happily.

  The dwarf stared at her. “What the hell is she talking aboUUU – ”

  He got slammed from the side by another worm erupting out the sand. Unfortunately, this time the thing carried him off. It looked like Nessie plowing through a sandy version of Loch Ness with a steel-plated boat in her jaws.

  “Oh SNAP!” the Druid yelped.

  The Fire Mage and I started to blast the sandworm, but it circled past the fountain to the other side of the courtyard –

  And dropped out of range of my attacks.

  “Shit,” I said as the blue lightning from my hands suddenly cut off. “It’s too far for me to reach it.”

  “Me too,” the elf said.

  “Me three,” the Druid grunted. “I can’t heal him from here. We’ve got to go out there.”

  “Ohhhhhh,” Stig moaned.

  “Okay,” I said, “everybody split up and run for it on the count of three. One, two – ”

  I didn’t get to three, because the sand in front of our stone platform exploded, and a sandworm reared up right in front of our faces.

  “AAAAH!” the Druid screamed and stumbled backwards.

  The worm snapped at him with its tripartite jaws and missed. It stretched out as far as its body would allow, but the Druid was out of its range.

  That was when I realized something: the worm couldn’t get past the stone platform we were standing on. I mean, yes, it could lunge five or six feet past the edge, but the majority of its body was confined to the sand.

  “EVERYBODY BACK UP AS FAR AS YOU CAN!” I yelled.

  Out entire group retreated until our backs were against the wall. The worm lunged and snapped, but always came up several feet short.

  It could swim through sand, but it couldn’t get past the stone.

  “YO, SHORTY!” I yelled at the gnome. “Get to that fountain in the center!”

  “I’m not short, I’m differently en-heightened!” he yelled merrily, then raced from the corpse of his worm towards the fountain.

  Meanwhile, Stig, Meera, the Fire Elf, and I all focused on the worm attacking us. Once its hit points were low enough, Meera delivered the killing blow. One slash of her flaming sword lopped off the thing’s head, leaving its body to writhe around on the stone walkway.

  “We have to get out to that fountain,” I said. “It’s the only thing made of stone, which means it’s our only safe base of operations. Once we’re out there, we’ll save Hodin – ”

  “No need,” the dwarf said as he raced around the wall and joined us. “I just respawned.”

  “Alright, spread out as far as you can from each other and don’t stop to help anybody until you get to the fountain, otherwise we’ll all be sitting ducks. Meera, you fly Stig over there and both of you wait for us.”

  The angel looked at Stig and made a face like I’d asked her to clean a toilet with her tongue. “I don’t want to touch an imp.”

  “Too bad,” I snapped. “DO IT.”

  The collar glowed. Meera grabbed Stig under his armpits and held him out at arm’s-length like a baby with a diarrhea-filled diaper, with an expression on her face to match. Then she flapped her wings and soared as high as she could over the sand towards the fountain.

  “All right, people, let’s go!” Hodin yelled.

  We all raced across the sand – me next to the wall on the right, Hodin on the wall to the left, with the female elf and Druid equally spaced between us.

  Stig and Meera made it to the fountain, and Meera dropped him with a plop! into the water. The imp sputtered and leapt from tier to tier until he was as far above the sand as possible, like a grotesque little groom sitting alone atop a wedding cake.

  Meera, however, circled back through the air towards me.

  “I’ll save you!” she cried out.

  “I don’t need you to save – ”

  Then I saw the rounded shape burrowing through the sand, heading right for me.

  Oh shit, I guess I DO need saving.

  Meera swooped down and grabbed me just as the worm blasted out of the sand, its petal-hinged jaws open. Its mouth SNAPPED just inches beneath my feet as Meera spirited us away.

  “Thanks,” I gasped as the worm bellyflopped down onto the sand behind us.

  “You are very welcome,” she said happily.

  Hodin, the elf, the gnome, and the Druid safely reached the fountain, though every once in a while a worm surfaced near them like a sea serpent.

  As Meera and I approached the rest of the group, though, I got an idea.

  “Keep flying to the opposite end of the courtyard,” I ordered Meera.

  Everyone’s heads turned comically to watch us as we whizzed past.

  “Hey, where’re you going?!” Hodin yelled.

  “To scope it out!” I shouted back.

  There was another L-shaped stone slab at the other end of the courtyard, a mirror image of the side we’d entered from. Meera set me down and dropped onto the platform beside me.

  Immediately a sandworm popped up at the edge of the rock ledge, but we backed up against the wall and were safely out of reach.

  I turned to Meera and said, “I want you to fly back and get them one by one. Fly them over here, and that way we won’t have to – ”

  Before I could finish, Meera got a terrified look on her face and ignited her sword.

  FWOOSH!

  “What in Vatoxia’s name is that?!” she cried out.

  I turned around and immediately got a nasty shock.

  A creature was rounding the L-shaped wall. It had the body of a lion with giant eagle’s wings folded on its back – but it had the face of a woman.

  A sphinx!

  There was an old movie version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers where a dog has a human head on it. Of all the weird shit in that movie, the human-dog hybrid is by far the most disturbing. When you see a human face on something that is decidedly not human, it’s creepy.

  The sphinx was super fucking creepy.

  The woman’s face was pretty, though, with ringlets of brown hair spilling down her lion shoulders. She peered at me curiously.

  “Don’t panic,” I said to Meera. “It’ll probably just ask us a riddle.”

  “No, Mother does that,” the creepy female head said – and then leapt at us.

  I cast Soul Suck and Meera slashed with her sword, but we were too late. The sphinx slammed into me and knocked me onto the stone slab.

  I screamed in pain as three-inch claws stabbed deep into my chest.

  I saw Meera above me, slashing away furiously with her sword. The blade cut a fiery arc through the sphinx’s right wing, but that didn’t stop the monster. Its lips opened wide, revealing a mouthful of wicked fangs – which it buried in my face.

  The entire world went black, and suddenly I was back in the graveyard.

  I ran around the blind wall and onto the stone slab.

  “Hey Ian,” the gnome called from atop the fountain with Stig, “I thought you could heal yourself!”

  “At least I didn’t get swallowed alive!” I yelled back.

  “No, you just got your face torn off!”

  Okay, I couldn’t really argue with that.

  Meera came soaring through the air towards me.

  “Are you okay?” I called out to her.

  As she touched down beside me, I saw tears running down her cheeks.

  “What’s wrong?!” I asked in alarm.

  “Oh Ian, I am so sorry I was not able to save you!” she bawled, then hugged me tight.

  It was all faintly ridiculous, since here I was alive and well – but I didn’t mind f
eeling her heaving bosom pressed against me.

  “I’m fine,” I said, and patted her consolingly on the back. “See? I’m fine.”

  “Hey, could you two finish the foreplay later?” Hodin called out humorously. “We’ve kind of got a worm problem over here.”

  “Fuck you!” I yelled out good-naturedly. “Have you killed any more of them?”

  “No – they’re not surfacing anymore.”

  I had thought earlier about the movie Tremors, where people got attacked out in the desert by giant underground worms. The thing about the monsters in that movie was they were attracted to something very specific…

  I jumped down from the rock onto the sand, then immediately hopped back up.

  Two seconds later, a sandworm erupted precisely where my feet had been.

  “They’re drawn by vibrations in the sand!” I yelled at the others.

  “Like Tremors!” Hodin yelled back. “Yeah, we figured that out!”

  Oh yeah. I’d forgotten I was dealing with some hardcore nerds.

  “Shit, does that mean we have to get out there and fight them?” the Druid said unhappily.

  “Stay there, I’ve got an idea!” I yelled, then turned to Meera. “When I tell you to, I want you to fly over to the fountain – but on the way I want you to drop down and touch one foot on the sand, then immediately fly off. Got it?”

  “Alright – now?””

  “Not yet. Hey Mage,” I shouted, “when the worm surfaces, hit it with everything you’ve got! The rest of you, don’t move unless one of them comes up right next to you! Okay, Meera – go for it!”

  Meera did as she was told and flew towards the fountain – but briefly dropped down and kicked the ground midflight.

  Seconds later a worm exploded through the sand right where her foot had been. The other players must have inflicted some damage on it previously, because its hit point bar was only half full.

  “NOW!” I shouted, and summoned my Unholy Quartet.

  Four imps appeared in plumes of flame and began pummeling the worm with fireballs. Because it had physical targets, the worm stayed aboveground, snapping at and occasionally eating one of the imps. But at the same time, the Fire Mage and I were attacking it from a distance.

  By the time the imps were all dead, the sandworm was, too.

  “Awesome!” Hodin yelled.

  “Meera – fly out and do it again!”

  Meera repeated the task ten times, and each time I distracted the worm with imps as the Mage and I attacked it. There were only four more worms total, but we had to goad them into surfacing at least twice to finish them all off.

  After they were dead, Meera’s foot-stomping drew no more creatures.

  I ran across the sands towards the fountain, but nothing attacked me.

  “Nice thinking, Ian,” the Druid complimented me.

  “Thanks.”

  “Okay, now you can loot the worms,” the Mage said drily.

  Oh yeah…

  I ran around the courtyard. Each creature yielded some sort of gland (UGH) from the inside of its mouth that would apparently fetch 2 silver on the market.

  We all walked across the sand towards the sphinx, which was little more than a smoking corpse after Meera had gotten through with it. However, its tail was still intact – and that was the part of its body that would fetch 3 silver.

  “Did she ask you a question?” the gnome asked.

  “Yeah, how your mother was in bed last night,” the Druid joked, beating me to the punch.

  “That was uncalled for,” the gnome said. “Funny, but uncalled for.”

  “It said that only ‘Mother’ asked riddles,” I recalled.

  “Yeah, like, ‘Is it in yet?’” the gnome laughed and pointed at the Druid.

  “You realize you just admitted I boned your mom last night, right?” the bear creature asked.

  “Aaaaah shit,” the gnome grunted, not so happy anymore.

  “Actually, it was a couple of riddles,” the female elf smirked. “Like ‘Is that it?’ and ‘Seriously?’”

  “Oh, NOW you want to joke,” the Druid snapped.

  Hodin whistled loudly to get everyone’s attention.

  “People – we still have a dungeon to run. You can do ‘yo momma’ jokes later.” The dwarf turned to me. “Do you think there’s a bigger one out there?”

  “Funny, that’s what your mother asked last night, too,” the elf whispered to the gnome.

  “SHUT UP!” the gnome roared.

  “I’m guessing there is,” I said as I looked uneasily down at the sphinx’s smoking carcass, “but there’s only one way to find out.”

  “Alright, let’s move out!” Hodin yelled as he led the way around the blind wall.

  We found ourselves in a duplicate of the last courtyard – except this time there were hundreds of rectangular graves stretching from one side of the courtyard to the other, five rows deep, with 50 graves per row.

  If we triggered even one grave there would be a chain reaction, and we would be facing off against 250 Ghouls.

  “Shit,” Hodin grumbled.

  “Hold on, let me scout it out,” I said.

  I sent the All-Seeing Eye over the graves to the blind wall across the courtyard.

  “Bad news is it’s a dead end,” I said.

  “Never go left, huh?” the gnome jeered at the Druid.

  “What’s the good news?” Hodin asked.

  “There’s a treasure chest. I can have Meera fly me across and I’ll split whatever’s inside with you guys.”

  “No offense, but how do we know we can trust you?” the elf asked.

  “Therasia,” Hodin scolded her.

  “What? We don’t,” she shot back. “And I said ‘no offense.’”

  “No, no, that’s fine,” I said, a little pissed. “Shorty can fly across with her, and Meera will see whatever he gets out of the chest.” I looked directly at the elf. “Since I don’t know if I can trust you, either.”

  She just gave me a sour look.

  “Alriiiiight – hug me close to those heavenly jugs, baby!” the gnome cheered.

  Meera got a look that was only slightly less disgusted than when she’d had to carry Stig.

  “Don’t be creepy with my angel, dude,” I rebuked the gnome.

  “Yeah, Brak,” Hodin growled.

  “…sorry.”

  I sighed and looked over at Meera. “Take him to the treasure chest.”

  “I’m about to get ahold of my own treasure chest, if you know what I mean,” the gnome whispered to the Druid.

  “DUDE!” I snapped.

  “…sorry.”

  “Maybe it should be someone else from your group,” I snarled, “and not the midget horn dog.”

  “That’s an insensitive term,’” the gnome said, 100% ironically. “I’m offended.”

  “My bad,” I said. “I meant ‘fucking midget pervert.’”

  “Hey!”

  “You deserved it,” Hodin said.

  “I’ll go,” the elf volunteered.

  “No, I don’t know if I can trust you,” I said with a fake smile.

  She just stared daggers at me.

  Meera spoke up. “Can I ferry my passenger across however I wish?”

  I half-smiled. I thought I might know what she had in mind. “Sure.”

  “Good. I will take the gnome.”

  “Yaaaay!” the midget cheered.

  She bent down in front of the gnome.

  The little Rogue was mesmerized by the view over the top of her toga as her breasts hung down full and firm just inches from his face. “Oh Mama…”

  Then Meera grabbed one of his legs, flipped him upside down, and took off into the air.

  “NOOOOO!” the gnome yelled, both in fear and frustration.

  The rest of his group laughed.

  “Enjoy the view!” the elf taunted.

  As Meera soared over the graves to the other side of the courtyard, Hodin took me aside.


  “Sorry about that,” he muttered.

  “Don’t worry about it. Meera got him back.”

  “Oh, yeah – sorry about him, too. But I meant Therasia’s comment earlier.”

  He meant the How do we know we can trust you? bit.

  “She’s not exactly a people person,” Hodin explained.

  “Yeah, I noticed. But it’s alright,” I said, shrugging it off. “Actually, and I hate to admit this, but it was the smart call. You guys don’t know me.”

  “Yeah, but you’ve been a straight shooter so far,” Hodin said. “You never gave us any cause to doubt you.”

  “Thanks… but it’s fine. Don’t sweat it.”

  Hodin nodded, and we returned to the group.

  Sixty seconds later Meera returned holding the gnome exactly the same way. She dumped him headfirst, and he got to his feet angrily spitting sand.

  “Bitch,” he muttered under his breath.

  “What’d you find?” Hodin asked.

  “A pretty good haul,” the gnome said, instantly more cheerful as he pulled five items out of his bags and laid them on the ground.

  Dagger of the Pharaohs

  85-115 Damage

  +25 Agility

  +30 Stamina

  +20 Critical Strike

  Worth: 1 gold

  Wand of the Dead

  +50 Intellect

  +30 Stamina

  +15 Critical Strike

  Worth: 1 gold

  Gloves of Anubiat (plate armor)

  +70 Armor

  +30 Strength

  +40 Stamina

  Worth: 1 gold

  Necklace of Ra’nath

  +40 Intellect

  +20 Stamina

  Worth: 1 gold

  Boots of Osiron (plate armor)

  +60 Armor

  +30 Strength

  +30 Stamina

  Worth: 1 gold

  The gnome hadn’t been kidding. Five gold worth of weapons and armor! Shit, if I could grind this dungeon six times a day and somehow get all this treasure to myself – since nobody in their right minds would cross those 250 graves – it would be well worth my while.

  I noted the Egyptian-esque names, too. The game programmers were obviously playing off of Egyptian mythology while trying to make this seem like a completely different world, and not one that had ever had an ancient Egypt with Ra the sun god and Anubis the god of death.