Succubus 3 (The Good The Bad And The Crazy Stupid Hot): A LitRPG Series

by A. J. Markam

  “Let’s go!” I shouted as I headed left down the corridor.

  The orc, Priest, goblin, and Knight all screamed obscenities at us as we fled.

  “What’re we gonna do, boss?” Stig asked as he raced along beside me.

  “Are we going to forgive them and divide the treasure?” Meera asked as she flew overhead.

  “Are we going to stop being mean and make friends?” Blutus whimpered.

  “Fuck no. We’re gonna grief the hell out of these motherfuckers.”

  “…‘grief’?” Meera asked, confused.

  “Yeah, ‘griefing’ – it’s – never mind, just follow my lead,” I instructed as I turned left into MC-Escher-land.

  I had the entire map to the maze, plus I’d been through it a number of times (thanks to multiple deaths at the hands of SuperCaliFragilistic Pyramid Lady).

  I knew the lay of the land.

  As first-timers, the Four Douchebags didn’t. They didn’t even have a map.

  We tiptoed into the main courtyard where several sand troll Mages were hanging out. They were far enough away, though, that they wouldn’t engage us unless we got closer.

  “This way,” I whispered as I led my posse down a hidden alcove. If I remembered correctly, there would be two Warrior sand trolls just around the corner –

  Yup. Since they were Level 11’s, we dispatched them handily.

  “Stig, see that balcony up there? Go up there and wait. When the assholes show up, fire once every five seconds, and try to not let them see you.”

  My imp scrambled up the wall as nimble as a cat up a tree.

  “Blutus, see that open window over there? Get behind the wall. Just like I told Stig, fire every five seconds but try not to let them see you. Use your chains to bind them if you can. Don’t kill any of the trolls in the courtyard – leave them for our ‘buddies.’ Meera, you’re with me.”

  I had her fly me up to a covered walkway on the second floor that was perfect for sniping.

  “What do we do now?” the angel whispered.

  “We wait.”

  Though I couldn’t see them yet, I heard the dead Priest yelling at the top of his lungs, “HEY WARLOCK – PREPARE TO GET THAT NEW ASSHOLE WE TALKED ABOUT!”

  Seconds later the idiots came blundering around the corner, completely oblivious to their surroundings.

  The sand troll Mages immediately turned on them and opened fire.

  “Aw shit,” the orc cursed, and was forced into rushing right at the trolls so he could tank for the group.

  Suddenly a chain flew out of nowhere and bound the orc’s arms to his body.

  “What the HELL?!” he roared as he helplessly endured a nasty beat-down from the sand trolls and winked out of existence.

  “Warlock – você é um homem morto!” the Shadow Knight yelled, only to get a fireball in the face for his efforts. “Que diablos?!”

  The goblin and Priest spun around, trying to find out where the potshots were coming from – but then the troll Mages started attacking them and they were too busy to do much more than defend themselves.

  That’s when I started hitting them with Darkfire.

  “God dammit!” the dead Priest yelled as black fire raced across his body.

  The goblin saw me duck back into the walkway. He sighted along his arrow, waiting for me to reappear – but then a chain and a fireball smacked him upside the head at the same time. A couple more blasts from the troll Mages and he was toast.

  The Shadow Knight raced towards my position, ignoring the damage the sand trolls were inflicting.

  But he was only at 22% Health, so two seconds of Soul Suck and he vaporized.

  Now only the Priest was left to fend off the sand trolls.

  “Meera – fly down there and cut off his head,” I instructed her.

  She launched herself from the walkway.

  The dead Priest just about shat himself when he saw her appear out of nowhere.

  He turned and ran, screaming like a little kid –

  FWOOSH went the flaming sword.

  Off went his head.

  The Priest immediately disappeared.

  “Good job, guys!” I cheered. “Stig and Blutus, stay where you are – Meera, come get me!”

  Meera grabbed my arm and lifted me into the air.

  “Over there,” I instructed, pointing to a balcony directly above the entrance to the courtyard.

  Once we touched down, we hid behind the stone parapet and waited.

  The Four Horsemen of the Idiotapocalypse came racing through the doorway beneath us and headed straight for the walkway where I had been.

  They didn’t bother to look behind them, so they didn’t see where all the Doomsday spells were coming from.

  By the time they’d figured it out, Stig and Blutus had hit them again, the troll Mages blasted them, and my Doomsday spells kicked in within seconds of each other.

  They all winked out of existence at the same time.

  “This is awesome!” I laughed as Meera flew me to a spiral staircase in the corner of the courtyard. “I wish we had popcorn!”

  “Popcorn?” she asked, confused.

  “It’s a thing you eat when you’re enjoying something… like a play.”

  I didn’t think the concept of ‘movies’ would be that easy to explain in a mythological fantasy land.

  “How do you prepare this ‘popcorn’?” she asked.

  “That’s not really important right now.”

  “I would like to know!”

  I frowned like You are WEIRD, you know that? “You take dried kernels of corn, throw it in a pan filled with hot oil, and then it heats up and pops.”

  “I see…” she said, like she was making a big effort to remember exactly what I’d said.

  “Get ready, here they come!” I yelled.

  So began an epic game of cat and mouse, with me, Meera, Stig, and Blutus as mice with sniper rifles and grenades, and the Four Douchebags as the dumbest cats ever.

  Every single time, they would come barreling into the labyrinth and hurriedly try to find out where we were; every single time, we would smack them down and send them back for a respawn.

  The surreal architecture of the labyrinth was perfect for sniping, seeing as there were unlimited places to hide. Plus I was able to goad them into coming down hallways where they stumbled into more sand trolls and got wiped out that much faster.

  At first I would use my Invisibility spell to stay hidden until the best moment to pummel them. But the more they died, the more confident I became.

  I began taunting them openly from my positions, not even caring if they knew where I was. Which enraged them all the more. Which made them make even more stupid mistakes.

  “Hey guys, what happened to that new asshole you were going to rip me? I’ve ripped you 15 new ones EACH so far!”

  “Hey guys, you should go back to giving each other blowjobs in the real world! ‘Cause you SUCK!”

  “Hey guys, you might want to get some Vaseline if you’re going to keep taking it up the ass like this!”

  Then I took it to a new level.

  I got out my bottle of rum and started lounging on the roof of the second floor, commenting as they got slaughtered on the ground.

  “You guys suck so bad, I’ll give you a free shot. Come on, come and get me! Wait, watch out for that sand troll – oooh, that had to hurt. A proctologist is going to have to dislodge that one.”

  “Oh – oh – he’s getting closer – WILL – HE – GO – ALL – THE – WAAAAAY – nope.”

  “He’s got the ball – he’s on the 40 yard line – the 30 yard line – the OHH, now he’s just getting bent over and ass-fucked by a sand troll.”

  Once I was a bit drunker, I got an idea.

  “Hey, Meera – want to do something really bad?” I leered.

  She looked at me warily. “What?”

  “Want to go down on me?”

  Her eyes widened. “…h-here?!”

  “Yup.�
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  “Where they can see?!”

  “Yup.”

  Her nipples became two diamond-hard points beneath her tunic. Apparently exhibitionism was one her kinks, too.

  “Why?” she asked, putting up token resistance.

  “Griefing, baby. Griefing. So – you want to do it or not?”

  Her face got flushed and she started breathing harder. I would have bet anything her panties were soaked.

  “…if… if you order me to…”

  I smirked. “Meera – give me a blowjob.”

  The collar glowed. She dropped to her knees, unbuttoned my pants with a lustful look on her face, and took my soft cock in her mouth.

  Once she started to suck, it didn’t stay soft much longer.

  The next time the guys came into the labyrinth, they were spitting mad. Furious.

  But then they saw me in full view on the second story, a gorgeous babe kneeling down in front of me, her head bobbing back and forth on my crotch as I swigged from my bottle of rum.

  “Oh, hey guys!” I called down to them. “I got bored with killing you, so I thought I’d get a blowjob while you keep on getting butt-fucked!”

  In retrospect, now that I’m sober… not one of my proudest moments.

  But at the time it was pretty damn hilarious.

  They all stared up at me, goggle-eyed and slack-jawed.

  “Bullshit,” the dead Priest snapped. “She’s just acting like she’s doing it.”

  “FAKE!” the goblin roared.

  But the orc ran over to the side to get a bit more of an angle. “Holy shit, it’s real! She’s actually doing it!”

  The Priest, goblin, and Shadow Knight all looked at him like he’d just told them somebody had teabagged them in their sleep and the video proof was all over Pornhub.com.

  “Oh, you didn’t believe me?” I called down, and turned 90 degrees so they could see Meera bobbing up and down on my shaft.

  That pretty much broke them.

  The look of utter demoralization on their faces was priceless. They just stared up at me, shoulders slumped and mouths agape.

  “Close your mouths, boys – she’s the only one gettin’ any!” I shouted merrily.

  The dead Priest attempted an insult. “That’s – you – you’ve got a tiny dick!”

  “You would know, since you suck so many! Watch out, guys, you’re about to take it up the ass again!”

  More sand trolls ran up and completely slaughtered them.

  The Four Douchebags barely bothered fighting back. They more or less just rolled over and died.

  The dead Priest was the last one to go.

  “You – you asshole!” he shouted feebly.

  “Don’t go away mad, just go away!” I yelled.

  And then he was dead, too.

  I stood there waiting for them to come back, but they never did.

  I guess that watching me get my knob polished while they died pitifully over and over again was too great a burden to bear.

  I checked my menu. Sure enough, all four icons had disappeared from the Dungeon Group window.

  They had decided to quit rather than get pwned again.

  Or watch me spooge, I guess.

  “Okay, you can stop now,” I said to Meera.

  But she kept bobbing up and down on my shaft, her eyes closed, her brow smoothed out with bliss.

  “…or not,” I murmured as I watched, enjoying the silky wetness of her tongue and lips.

  I’d been concentrating so hard on annoying the four guys that I’d been too distracted to really enjoy Meera’s efforts.

  Her skills had gotten much, much better with practice. I was definitely enjoying them now.

  “Boss?” Stig called as his head popped out of hiding.

  His yellow eyes bugged out when he saw what was going on.

  “Go back and hide!” I yelled.

  He disappeared immediately, but I could hear his voice croak, “Awkward…”

  Meera didn’t even miss a stroke.

  A few seconds later, I could feel the familiar pressure rising and figured I ought to give her fair warning if she wanted to pull out.

  “Meera,” I said. “Meera, I’m going to come – ”

  She opened her eyes and gave me such an adoring, innocent expression that I immediately blew my load.

  “FUUUUUUUCK!” I roared as I came in her mouth.

  She sucked every last drop out of me, then daintily licked her lips.

  “I like griefing,” she said with a smile, right before she put me back in her mouth and started all over again.

  23

  After Meera, ahem, ‘griefed’ me some more, I decided to see if we could finish the dungeon by ourselves. If we could kill all the bosses on our own, then all that sweet, sweet treasure would be mine and mine alone.

  Spoiler alert: It didn’t go so well.

  Even though the monsters were pegged to a Level 11, it was still rough going. The Sand Witch (insert your ‘turkey on rye’ joke here) was difficult enough, but then we got to the Sphinx, and that was a whole different ball of crappiness.

  The Sphinx crawled over the wall and dropped down into our path.

  Blutus about shat himself.

  “WHAT in the Abyss is THAT?!” he screamed.

  “Calm down,” I snapped. “She’s just going to ask a riddle.”

  “Mortals, answer my riddle correctly and pass unmolested. Answer incorrectly and die.

  “Whoever makes it, tells it not.

  “Whoever takes it, knows it not.

  “Whoever knows it, wants it not.

  “What am I?

  “You have one minute to answer my riddle.”

  “Oh GOD,” I muttered.

  I wracked my brains as the timer counted down. This time it was all on me – my NPCs were absolutely worthless for guessing.

  Whoever makes it, tells it not – making love? No, that doesn’t fit. Knows it, wants it not… spoiled food? No… but something harmful, maybe? Wait – that’s it!

  “Poison!” I yelled as the timer hit zero.

  “Is that your final answer?” the Sphinx asked.

  “…yes?” I said hesitantly.

  “There are many poison-makers who gladly announce their wares to others, especially assassins.”

  Shit, the bird lady was right.

  “You have answered incorrectly. Prepare to die.”

  “I don’t think she’s just asking riddles!” Blutus shrieked as the Sphinx bared her fangs.

  “Shut up and try to bind her – or if she’s close enough, whack her in the head with your chains! Meera, fly over there and get in her face! Stig, just hang back and fire at will!”

  In this particular configuration, Meera was our tank, drawing the Sphinx’s aggro. Only problem was, she had no armor. So three swipes of the Sphinx’s paw and she was done for.

  Not only that, since the Sphinx could fly – and since Meera couldn’t go any higher than the sandstone walls – she was an easy target.

  Blutus was able to bind the monster once or twice, but it was so powerful it just flexed its muscles and burst the chains. And then ate Blutus.

  Stig was basically an annoyance to her, nothing more.

  I spent virtually all my time Soul Sucking the Sphinx and resurrecting my demons and angel. If I had time to get in a Doomsday, I was doing well.

  I didn’t do well for very long.

  The Sphinx either got lucky or figured out I was the cause of all the pesky creatures attacking it, so it made a beeline straight for me.

  I found myself staring down the gullet of its shark-toothed mouth –

  And then BAM! I was back in the graveyard.

  Meera and Blutus were already dead. Two seconds after my resurrection, Stig joined them on my action bar in slightly dimmed colors.

  We’d wiped before we’d even gotten the Sphinx down to 400K Hit Points.

  I sighed and thought it out. If we were having problems with the Sphinx, we were sure as hell
going to run into issues with the giant worm. The pyramid might be okay since we knew the trick, but the final boss? No way.

  We were under-powered and overmatched.

  I was considering calling it when I heard a massive flap… flap… flap.

  The Sphinx was soaring up above the walls of the dungeon, looking for us. Which was something it had never done before. It had always waited for us to come to it.

  But remember what I said about the game screwing over teams with fewer than five players?

  It had definitely decided to screw me.

  The Sphinx spotted me and started heading in my direction.

  “I think it’s time to call it a day,” I muttered, and quickly brought up my menu.

  Quit Dungeon? Yes / No

  Because I was the last one left of the original five-person dungeon party, there wouldn’t be a penalty for quitting, so I chose ‘Yes.’

  The dungeon gates next to the graveyard opened with a creeeeaaaaaak, and I hightailed it out of there.

  Once I was outside, the doors slammed shut behind me with a BOOM!

  The spectral figure on the top of the wall intoned patronizingly, “Best to know your limits, mortal. Try again later… if you dare.”

  I ignored him. I was too busy searching the skies over the dungeon for the Sphinx.

  It was nowhere to be seen.

  Maybe it was invisible to anyone outside the dungeon walls so as not to give players a heads-up about what was inside. Maybe it only existed within each individual ‘instance’ that was created on the server when five players entered the dungeon.

  Either way, I appeared to be safe.

  Next I scanned the players – both those lined up, and the crowds milling around – for a dead Priest, orcish Warrior, goblin Hunter, and Shadow Knight.

  They wouldn’t have been able to enter the dungeon for an hour after they ‘deserted,’ so they were either out here or long gone.

  I steeled myself for a surprise attack, followed by a four-on-one PvP battle – but nothing happened. And no matter how hard I looked, I couldn’t find them.

  The Four Assholios had apparently vacated the premises.

  Good. Fuck ‘em.

  I walked past the line of players waiting to enter the dungeon, and noticed they were looking at me oddly. Some stared at me with outright disdain. I chalked it up to people not liking ‘losers’ who abandoned dungeons early.