The Sharpest Edge

by Stephanie Rowe

  He shrugged, his gaze fixed on her as she shoveled grounds into the machine. “I thought someone was out in the woods when I got here.”

  Her hand slipped and she dumped the grounds on the counter. “You did?”

  He reached out and brushed his fingers over the back of her hand, his touch light and shockingly heavy at the same time. A gesture he’d made a thousand times before. Their unspoken language of support. Her gut lurched and she didn’t know whether to pull away. She’d needed that touch so much, but could they really go back there?

  “But I wasn’t sure if anyone was out there or not,” he said. “I’m not used to questioning myself.” He looked down at his hand, still resting against hers, and then moved away.

  For a moment, there was a tense silence, then he cleared his throat. “Coffee smells good.” He busied himself sweeping up the spilled grounds off the counter and into his hand.

  She nodded. Moment over.

  Sean went to the sink and dumped the grounds, then washed his hands. The only sound in the room was the running water, then the drip of the faucet after he shut it off. “I could stop by tomorrow and fix that if you want. Wastes water.”

  She met his gaze. “What’s going on, Sean?”

  He tossed the paper towel under the sink, knowing where the trash can was without even looking. “I don’t know where Jimmy is and it worries me. He still hasn’t turned up in California. From what I can figure, he’s not the kind of guy to lie low now that he’s free.”

  She shook her head. “No, about us.”

  He froze, then spoke carefully, as if choosing his words precisely. “What about us?”

  “I…um…” She licked her lips, not sure what to say. After ten years of apologizing in her mind, it didn’t make it any easier to do in person. “I’m sorry.”

  “About what?”

  “Leaving you.” She was so sorry. She’d loved him, and she’d hurt him. People didn’t hurt those they loved.

  “What about the rest of it?”

  She frowned. “What are you talking about?”

  “Leaving your family. Abandoning them. Hating them. What about that?”

  Defensiveness made her voice sharp. “You don’t understand.”

  He leaned against the counter again and folded his arms over his chest. “Then tell me. Tell me why you let your father sit alone in his hospital room every day without visiting him. Tell me why you didn’t come home for your mom’s funeral. Tell me why, Kim. Explain it to me so I can stop hating you.”

  Pain shot through her. “You hate me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh, God.” She sat down at the table and blinked hard. Her throat was tight. “You used to love me and now you hate me?” It hurt. So much.

  Sean sighed and sat across from her. “I don’t hate you.”

  “Liar.” Why had she thought a simple apology would solve everything? There was so much more between them. None of the emotions had gone away. They were all still there. Maybe even more now, because she’d had a decade to obsess over them.

  The corner of his mouth curved up. “Okay, sometimes I thought I hated you.”

  She pressed her lips together and stared out through the glass doors at the lake. She could see the reflection of the moon on the water and some lights on the opposite shore. A boat went by the dock, its red light passing slowly on the water, close enough that the driver would be able to see in her windows. She shivered as it slipped out of sight into the blackness, the hum of its engine fading into the night. Other than the cry of the loons, there was silence.

  “Why do you hate your dad?”

  She looked at Sean. Maybe it was time to talk. He deserved that. “He killed my mother.”

  Sean’s forehead furrowed. “What are you talking about? She killed herself.”

  Kim shook her head. “She sent me a letter before she did it. The reason she committed suicide was because she hated my father and being married to him and he wouldn’t let her go. Death was the only way she could be free.”

  Sean’s face darkened. “You’re trying to tell me that she committed suicide because your dad drove her to it?”

  “Yes.” She let her breath out in a deep exhale. It felt so good to tell someone. She’d never had anyone to tell, had sat on that knowledge for so many years. Cheryl would have been the only one to tell, but she still loved their dad and Kim would never take that away from Cheryl. It had always been Kim’s burden to carry alone. Until now. Sean could share it with her. Just like the old days, when he would lessen her pain merely by being by her side and understanding.

  “You’re wrong.” Sean bit out the words with an intensity that shook her.

  “What?” The fragile respite she’d found shattered instantly at his rejection.

  He smacked his fist on the table and shoved his chair back. “You’re wrong. Your dad is wonderful. He adored her, he worshipped all of you and he took me into the family as his own son. He tried to save her. It was your leaving that did her in. You’re the one who destroyed the family, and I don’t understand why.”

  She stared at him. “Every day I have to live with the fact that if I hadn’t left, I might have been able to help her. To save her. You don’t need to make me feel guilty. I’ve already got that covered.”

  Sean gripped the edge of the table and took a deep breath. “If you feel bad, why are you rejecting your dad? He needs you. His wife left him, and both his daughters. He has nothing without you.”

  Remorse surged through her. “Stop it! It’s not my fault! I might not have been able to save my mom, but my dad was the reason she killed herself. It’s my dad’s fault, and he doesn’t deserve to be happy. He ripped our family apart with his obsession about this lake and his inability to see that his wife was miserable. Don’t blame me because your boyhood dreams of being my dad’s son were lost! You could have stayed here for him and you chose to leave, too. So back off!”

  They were both on their feet now, chests heaving with deep breaths. Moisture filled her eyes, but she fought it off. No way would she shed another tear for these men. Never!

  The coffeemaker beeped that the brew was ready, but neither of them moved.

  “Why did you leave me, Kim?” His voice was so soft, but it slid through her like a dagger.

  “Because I was afraid that if I married you, I’d end up like my mother.” The words tumbled out, desperate to be spoken after years of suppression. “Please understand, Sean. I can’t deal with it alone anymore. You have to know that I didn’t hurt you on purpose. I loved you and—”

  “You thought that you’d end up killing yourself if you were married to me?” He retreated, his face crumpled with the blow of her words. “That I would make you so miserable the only way out would be to die?” He looked as if he’d been punched in the gut, over and over and over again, as if he was in so much pain he could never live again.

  What had she done? “No, that’s not what I meant…” She reached for him, but he stepped out of her reach. She hadn’t realized how much those words could hurt until they tumbled out of her mouth. “Sean, come back. It’s not like that. It wasn’t you. That came out wrong.” She’d tried to take away his pain, but she’d hurt him more. So much more. Her stomach blistered with her mistake. “Sean—”

  He waved her off. “I gotta get out of here.”

  She grabbed his arm as he headed for the door. “Sean! Don’t leave. I was eighteen! I didn’t know—”

  He spun around and wrapped his fingers around her upper arms, holding her close to him. His face was so near she could feel his breath on her lips. “I would have died for you. I loved you more than life. And you throw that crap in my face?”

  She couldn’t fight the tears this time. “I loved you, too. I really did. But my mom…she was so convincing when she told me I couldn’t marry you and that I had to leave town. I was confused and didn’t know what to do. Then my mom died and I got so scared and my dad was losing it and Cheryl tried to kill herself and all I c
ould do was read the letter from my mom and I didn’t know—”

  “Shut up.”

  She bit her lower lip and stared at him. How could she ever make this right? Why did she have to keep hurting him like this?

  “Go see your dad, Kim. I don’t know what your mom said to you, but she’s wrong. He’s been dying a slow death ever since she killed herself. He loved her the way I loved you.”

  “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

  “If you’re sorry, then go see your dad. He’s the one you need to save. I’m over you.”

  “Are you?” God help her, she didn’t want him to be over her. She wanted him back. She laid her hand on his cheek. “Are you really over me?”

  He pulled her hand away. “Don’t even go there, Kim. I might have been able to forgive you for leaving me, but I’ll never be able to forgive you for what you did to your family.”

  “Dammit, Sean! Why don’t you take off your blinders and see that my dad’s the bad guy? Not me. Just because I left you doesn’t mean I’m guilty of all the wrongs in the world!”

  “You destroyed your family. Your dad didn’t. He tried to save it.” The conviction in his voice blew through her and she realized that he fully believed his words.

  She pulled away. She knew Sean had idolized her family, but come on! How could he not see the truth? “You’re so angry at me that you’ll try to blame me for everything?”

  “Believe me, I wish it was that simple.”

  Before she could ask what that meant, he walked out the front door and slammed it behind him.

  THE NEXT EVENING, Kim pulled her sweatshirt over her hands as she walked up to the nurses’ station. She could do this. She’d spent all day in her dad’s office at the Loon’s Nest working up the courage to go to the hospital. Now it was almost eight at night and she was finally here. What if she threw up? That would be totally embarrassing. “Hi.”

  A nurse looked up. “Good evening. Can I help you?”

  She swallowed. “Um, I’m Kim Collins. My dad is in the hospital here. His name is Max Collins. I’d like to talk to his doctors.”

  “Of course. I’ll let them know you’re here.” The nurse pointed down the hall. “He’s in room 302. I’ll have the doctor meet you there. It could be a while before he’s available.” She turned away before Kim could request another meeting spot.

  She didn’t have to go into the room. She could wait outside. In the hall.

  For her sister. She was doing this for her sister.

  She made it as far as a bench next to his room and sank into the seat, pulling her feet up in front of her and hugging her knees. Who was she kidding? She was here because of what Sean had said last night. After he’d left, the hours had dragged by as she lay in bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking about things she hadn’t thought about for a long time. She’d even begun to doubt her own view of the situation—until she’d gotten up and reread her mom’s letter.

  The words were unassailable. There was no room for Sean’s interpretation. Her dad was no saint. But she still felt horrible about the expression on Sean’s face when she told him why she’d left him. She hadn’t meant it the way it sounded, but wasn’t that exactly why she had left? On the other hand, it didn’t make any sense anymore, thinking that Sean would destroy her.

  “What are you doing here?”

  She winced at Sean’s hostile voice, but she didn’t look up. “Waiting for the doctors.”

  “You been in to see him?”

  “No.” She stared at the floor and watched his feet come into view. Faded black boots and blue jeans. Apparently, he was off duty. Did the man ever sleep?

  Oh, great. So now she was worrying that he wasn’t taking care of himself? Her mom had been right. You stay around a man like Sean and you’ll never be able to resist him, even if he won’t make you happy. The only chance to find herself had been to leave.

  She’d found herself. So why did he still have this effect on her?

  His feet moved out of her sight and she had to bite her lower lip to keep from asking him to stay. She did not need him. And even if she did, what right did she have to ask? It wouldn’t be fair to reach out to him and then leave again.

  She couldn’t change the past, but she could stop herself from repeating it.

  Then the bench sagged and she glanced up to see Sean sitting beside her. He looked tired. More tired than she’d ever seen him. “You’re not sleeping.”

  “Are you?”

  She shook her head, wishing she knew what to say to bridge the chasm between them. Another apology would be so inadequate.

  “Ms. Collins?”

  She stood, and Sean rose next to her as a doctor approached. He had gray hair, glasses and a kind face. “I’m Dr. Weiss.” He nodded at Sean. “Will you excuse us?”

  Sean’s face tightened and he stepped away. He wasn’t family and had no right to hear. For all she knew, he hadn’t even been able to talk to the doctors about the man he considered his own father. Kim touched his arm and he stopped. “He can stay.”

  Dr. Weiss nodded and Sean returned to her side, his shoulder brushing against hers in a silent thanks. “Your father had a serious head injury. He was unconscious underwater for almost too long. He hasn’t woken up yet, and we have no way of knowing if he ever will. If he does, we can’t predict the amount of brain damage he has sustained. He may wake up and be fine, or he may never be the person he was before the accident.”

  To her horror, tears welled up before she even knew they were coming. What was up with that?

  Sean’s arm slipped over her shoulders, his fingers twisting in her hair. “But he could wake up and be as good as new, right?” His voice was tight, clipped.

  It felt so good to be held by him. She couldn’t keep herself from leaning into him as she wiped her cheeks, even though she knew she had no right to do so.

  The doctor nodded. “It’s possible he could be fine, but I wouldn’t get my hopes up if I were you.”

  “You aren’t us,” Sean said quietly. “Is there anything else you can share?”

  “No. I do recommend you spend time with him. Sometimes that can make a difference.” The doctor gave them a brief smile. “I have to run, but if you have any questions, have the nurses’ station page me.”

  “Thank you,” Sean said.

  Kim managed to mutter something appreciative and the doctor rushed off.

  The second he left, she turned toward Sean at the same instant he lifted his other arm around her. She pressed herself against his chest and he buried his face in her hair. They said nothing, just clung to each other, holding on to the one thing they could touch.

  It was Sean who spoke first, his voice muffled against her hair. “Will you come see him? Please?”

  She released him and stepped back. “I can’t.”

  “Dammit, Kim. Why not?”

  “This is why.” She pulled her mom’s letter out of her pocket and handed it to him. “I received it three days after she died. Don’t read it now, and I want it back when you’re done with it.”

  He started to unfold it and she grabbed it from his hand, folded it and shoved it into his front pocket. “Later, Sean.” She gave her head a little shake to clear it. “Any leads on my dad’s accident? Or on Jimmy?”

  He drew his shoulders back in a visible effort to gather himself. “Helen let me check your dad’s personal files. For the past two months, he’s been withdrawing fairly large sums of money on a regular basis, but we couldn’t find any evidence of what he was spending it on.”

  Kim frowned. “What does that show?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “If Helen was the one who tried to kill him, do you really think it’s smart to tell her you don’t think his crash was an accident?”

  He lifted an eyebrow. “You don’t trust me to be circumspect?”

  She had no energy for a fight. “I don’t know. I’m too tired to think. What can I help with?”

  “Is there a place in the hou
se that your dad used to hide stuff?”

  She frowned. “He had a hidden safe in his office, but I don’t know if it’s still there.”

  “Let’s go check.”

  “Now?”

  “Unless you have other plans? Maybe with that friend of yours? Alan, you said his name was?”

  Was she imagining the annoyance in his voice? “Alan is in California. And no, I have no other plans.”

  “Fine. I’ll follow you in my car.”

  “Fine.” Just what she needed. More alone time with Sean.

  “THE DOOR’S LOCKED.” Kim sighed and leaned her head against her dad’s office door. “I forgot, he locks it now. I don’t have a key.”

  She looked so exhausted that Sean started to raise his hand to touch her hair the way he used to, but he dropped his arm instead. Why did he still want to touch her? Hadn’t he seen all he needed to know that their past was over? Last night, she’d eviscerated him with her statement that she’d been afraid that she’d end up killing herself if she married him. He closed his eyes for a moment and tried to shove away the ache. Why couldn’t he hate her? That comment alone should have done it.

  But he couldn’t hate her. He shoved his hands deep into his pockets and his fingers hit the letter she’d put there. What was in that letter? Would it answer some of his questions? God, he wanted to read it. It couldn’t have been as bad as she said.

  Kim pushed herself off the door. “Someone should be around here somewhere. They never leave the reception desk unattended at this hour.”

  Right. Focus, Sean. “How about the mailroom? Maybe someone’s in there sorting.” He turned away and walked to the other side of the reception desk, shoving open the door to discover Didi, the flirty receptionist, going at it with Will, the guy who had been working the desk when Sean had stopped by the other day. He stifled a grin and flicked the light switch. “Good evening.”

  Kim walked in just as Didi shrieked and flung Will off her. They hadn’t quite managed to fully compromise themselves, but Sean had no doubt that he and Kim would have gotten an eyeful if they’d arrived five minutes later.