Can't Fight This Feeling (Cabin Fever)

by Christie Ridgway

“Let me...let me explain. You deserve that.”

  “Believe me, baby, you won’t find anyone less deserving of anything.” Didn’t he want to get gone at this very moment? Hand her over to a sister? But he couldn’t seem to move. Her voice kept his feet glued to the floor.

  “My father didn’t want to believe it happened.”

  Oh, shit. Brett reached out to brace his hand on a wall. “We can talk about this later. We’ll get to where there’s lights and—”

  “It’ll be easier to say when I can’t see you.”

  What the hell was he supposed to do now? He couldn’t drag her from the cabin. He couldn’t risk touching her.

  “Remember those stepsisters I told you about?”

  “Yeah,” he muttered. “Yeah, I do.”

  “I wanted them to like me so much. I thought I was going to have a real family for the first time. They were a bit older than me, high school age. Their brother was fifteen.”

  “Tell me he didn’t—”

  “Not quite.”

  Still, his stomach roiled. “How old were you?”

  “I had just turned twelve.” More air stuttered into her lungs. “The girls hated me on sight. I don’t know if they put him up to it or if he was just a...”

  “Perv. Creep.” Someone whose neck I’d like to wring.

  “My dad and his new wife took us all on their honeymoon. We had rented a villa in Cancun, and one night...one night...”

  “Don’t—”

  “His sisters locked the two of us in the walk-in closet in the bedroom the girls shared. Then he...he went after me.”

  “Bastard.”

  “I’d never been kissed. I’d never wanted to be kissed. I was tall and had started to develop, but I wasn’t yet, you know, curious.”

  “What happened?” he asked, through his teeth.

  “He groped me. Kissed me. Though I was trying to push him away, he kept coming, pulling at my shirt, trying to undo my bra. Then I hit him across the mouth.”

  “Good for you. You should have gone for his balls.”

  “I did,” she said, the hint of a smile in her voice. “But not before he ripped my clothes and scratched me and...bit me. If I didn’t have those teeth marks, I wonder if my father would have been able to pretend I was just making up the story.”

  Brett closed his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  “The experience...stunted me, I guess. Stunted my sexual growth. It took me a long time before thinking of being touched in that way didn’t make me want to throw up.”

  He wanted to throw something. “Understandable.”

  “I seduced a library aide when I was twenty-two and he was twenty.”

  “Okay.”

  “That was the first time I had sex. We did it a couple of times after that. He seemed to like it.”

  He seemed to like it. Oh, Angelica. “What about you?”

  “To tell the truth, I decided to give up on the activity altogether.” There was a long pause, and he could imagine her biting that full bottom lip that drove him mad. “Then I...I saw you.”

  Heat raced over his skin. He didn’t know what to say.

  She cleared her throat. “Let me clarify. I’d decided to give up on the activity as an, um, doubles event.”

  His lips twitched, despite everything. “Why, Angelica. Whatever do you mean?”

  “So. Anyway. I was messed up and now...now I think I’m less so. Thank you.” Air stirred as she came nearer. Her hand touched his shoulder. Her lips brushed his cheek.

  His mouth turned toward hers.

  Maybe he meant the kiss to be avuncular. Brotherly.

  He didn’t intend to slip his tongue inside her mouth. But it went there, and her fingers tightened on him.

  Still, Brett refrained from touching her, except with his mouth. “We should go,” he murmured against her lips.

  “Or we could stay,” she suggested. “Give me a new memory of the darkness. Of touch during darkness. I...I think I’d like that. I think I can handle it now.”

  Lifting his head, he wished for supervision. “If I can’t see you,” he said, drawing the backs of his knuckles down her warm cheek. Nothing grasping. Not insistent. “How do I know if you’re with me?”

  “Are you with me?” she asked.

  He dropped both arms to his sides. “Check it out.”

  Her hand reached toward his waist. She traced a fingertip over his belt. Her touch found his cock, thrusting against the confining denim of his jeans. He drew in air but gritted his teeth, willing himself not to grab, direct, control. Her palm cupped him and he panted, determined not to grind against her.

  “You’d do this for me?” she asked.

  “It’s a real hardship,” he said, swallowing a groan. “But I’ll make the sacrifice.”

  “What will you get out of it?”

  “You’re not that naive, angel face.” He sifted his fingers through the hair at her temple and then drew them along the silky stuff. The more gently he handled her, the harder he felt...everywhere.

  She stroked him with her hand.

  His cock twitched and she made a little sound. “I can’t see you, either,” she said. “Does that mean you liked that?”

  “It means I liked that.” With another woman, he might have pressed his hand to hers to show her what he really liked, but he didn’t dare force anything on Angelica. “It means I want you to do it again.”

  He groaned when she attacked his belt. The clink of metal and then the low grind of his zipper releasing made him sweat. Then her small hand was inside his boxers, her touch so sweet he had to grit his back teeth together or go off immediately.

  “Kiss me,” she whispered.

  He bent his head, angled it, finding her soft mouth and playing there, sucking on her bottom lip, then her top. She was so distracted by the kiss that her hand didn’t move on his cock, but feeling her possessing him there, wrapped in her five fingers, he couldn’t complain.

  When he ended the kiss they were both breathing hard. “Do we get to make dark memories on the bed?”

  Her fingers squeezed on him. “That sounds...”

  “Entertaining?”

  “Not exactly...”

  “Enticing?” Please, God.

  “Shameless.” It came out as a throaty whisper. “Empowering.”

  Yeah, baby, he thought. “Take all the power you need.”

  She drew him toward the bed, kicking the shoes she’d tripped on out of the way first. Then he was on his back. At her mercy.

  A happy, happy sacrifice.

  He allowed her to undress them both. His touches were fleeting. A thumb to her nipple, a palm shaping her hip. As reward, he got her hair trailing along his torso, her tongue dabbing at the notch of his throat, her soft mouth at his ear.

  “I want you,” she breathed into it, the tone thrilled, as if he’d given her a gift. “Have since the first time I saw you.”

  “Objectifying me again?” he said, though there was little humor in the question because she was cupping his balls now, exploring there with curious fingers.

  She kissed the tip of him, then licked off the seeping liquid. “You want me, too.”

  He groaned and clutched at the bedcovers. “You’re killing me, baby.”

  “Come inside,” she whispered.

  He’d tossed a condom to the mattress during the disrobing process. He felt for it now, fumbling to put on the protection with hands that were shaking with want. Need. And a desire not to frighten her in any way.

  She was on her side, facing him, and he drew her nearer, scooting her hips closer and then moving her leg atop his thigh. “Will you like it like this?” he wondered aloud. “Tell me if I do something wrong.”

  His fingers—gentle, gentle—wandered low to open her for him. Her arousal drenched him, but he felt her stiffen slightly and he stilled, two of his fingers just inside the heated cove of her. Her muscles clamped down on him, a vise that didn’t allow him to move.

  “Shh, shh,” h
e said, soothing her with a kiss to her brow, her nose, the hot shell of her ear.

  If you want to lessen her load, you’re going to have to show her some of what you’re carrying yourself.

  “You make me afraid, too, Angelica,” he murmured, his fingertips moving just enough to massage her inner walls. “I’m with you—I feel exposed.”

  A rush of wetness bathed his fingers. They slid deeper. “That’s right, baby. Let me in.”

  One of her hands curled around his head to bring their mouths together. “Let me in, too,” she whispered.

  And fool that he was, he did. With gentle forays of mouth and fingers, he opened her for him and in turn felt himself bared to her. Her undulating body seemed to rub away his hard shell and he gasped as he pierced her with his cock because he felt it in his heart.

  Her trust, breaking him open.

  In the morning, he could only hope his scar tissue would have covered over the wound.

  * * *

  ANGELICA FOLLOWED MAC into her office to retrieve her purse. They’d worked that morning together, cleaning the local women’s club and then a quick spiff of the historical society’s headquarters. Saturday afternoon stretched ahead and she had Sunday completely free.

  “Big plans?” Mac asked.

  “Not a one,” she answered. “Keeping a low profile in case Lorraine Kushi is around town, but that’s all.” First thing that morning, she’d confided in the other woman and told her about the reason the reporter was in the area. Mac had promised that Angelica’s whereabouts wouldn’t come from her.

  “Good of Brett to give you an early warning,” his sister said now, glancing over.

  Good of Brett for everything he’d given her, Angelica corrected, turning away in case her blush might tell more than she cared to share. The night before he’d been a thorough, generous, gentle lover. In the morning, they’d shared a shower before he’d taken her to Mac’s for work. His job for the day was to figure out why their electricity was out.

  She’d been stern with herself about not expecting anything more than what they’d already had. Live in the moment!

  As she scooped through her purse for her car keys, the office door swung open. Angelica’s belly jumped and her face flashed hot...before she saw the newcomer was Glory, dressed in scruffy jeans and an old flannel shirt, the sleeves ripped away.

  There was something a little wild about her bright blue eyes.

  “Is anything wrong?” Angelica asked.

  The blonde shook her head. “Mom kicked me out of the store. She’s called Dad in to finish out the rest of the day with her. I was snapping at the customers.”

  Angelica’s brows rose. Glory had been testy of late. “What can I do?”

  “Go on a hike with me?” She examined Angelica’s jeans, T-shirt and sneakers. “You’re dressed for it.”

  “Okay.” For friendship alone she would have agreed, but it also seemed an excellent way to prevent her brain from taking dangerous turns toward what-ifs and maybe-nows. Daydreams were not allowed.

  Mac popped in from the courtyard where she’d been watering plants. Glory gave her a smile. “You should come, too.”

  Mac narrowed her eyes. “Come to where?”

  “A hike. When was the last time you enjoyed our natural wonders?”

  The brunette considered. “I have another offer, but since that involves a stack of bridal magazines and two overly sentimental sisters...yours is the better option.”

  “Excellent,” Glory said. “I have lunch in my car. Enough for three.”

  They shared the food at a picnic table located in a clearing close to the trailhead. Angelica idly listened to the other two chatting, catching up on people they knew and gossip they’d heard. None of it penetrated. In the dappled shade, she raised her face to take in the pines towering above her. She breathed in the smell of dirt and evergreen and drying grasses. During the summer she’d driven the mountain roads and been on the beach beside the lake, but she realized she hadn’t actually made any forays into the surrounding national forest.

  “Before you totally space out,” Glory said, “we should get moving.”

  Angelica was the first to her feet. Her friend had promised an easy hike that included a creek and a waterfall. “It’s like the Nature Channel,” she said, as they started, taking in the oaks and dogwood, the scattered pinecones and the dramatic mountain vistas in the distance.

  “City girl,” Glory teased. “Keep your eyes peeled for bears.”

  Alarmed, Angelica glanced around. “Really?”

  “Not to mention mountain lions and coyotes.”

  A queasy feeling settled in her stomach. “Tell me you’re kidding.”

  Mac snorted. “Don’t let Glory scare you. We’re more likely to run across a wild burro than any of the others.”

  They continued walking, but Angelica made a point of staying abreast with her two friends.

  “Speaking of jackasses,” Glory said, idly, “what’s this I hear about Zan coming back to town?”

  “Word of Zan’s return bubbles up every few months,” Mac answered, lengthening her strides. “Nothing ever comes of it.”

  Behind her back, Glory gave Angelica big eyes. “So cute,” she mouthed. Then she pointed toward Mac and whispered, “Still gone for him. Totally.”

  “Shut up, Glory,” Mac called out. “Stop dwelling in the long-gone past and enjoy the day.”

  Unrepentant, Glory swooped down for a pinecone and threw it at the other woman’s butt. Mac retaliated, and soon they were in a full-fledged fight, laughing like loons and running ahead of each other for the choicest specimens. Angelica hung back, Mac’s words reverberating. Enjoy the day.

  Her friends lost interest in flinging pinecones in a few minutes and they walked forward together again, the powdery dirt clinging to their shoes and the hem of their jeans. Blue jays scolded them from the branches of the evergreens and squirrels raced up their trunks.

  They came around a bend, and an incredible view was spread before them. At their feet was a lake, impossibly blue. On its far side, nut-brown, grassy hillsides gave way to craggier mountains covered with dark green conifers. Even taller shapes were etched against the sky beyond that, a wilderness where Angelica imagined there were still some places that no human being had ever wandered.

  For a moment she experienced a thrilling exhilaration. Against the great expanse and natural beauty, her problems diminished to the size of a pebble. A seed.

  But following on the heels of that thought was another—against the landscape she felt that she was smaller, too. With her father in prison, her mother unreachable, she was alone in a world that was much, much bigger than the slice of it she was gazing upon now.

  Glory goosed her with an elbow. “No sad faces.”

  “What am I doing, Glory? What am I going to do?”

  “Whatever you want. You don’t need to please anyone but yourself anymore. It’s your chance to find your bliss.”

  Angelica grimaced. “Are you sure you’re not really my inner voice? The one that tells me losing just about everything is really an amazing opportunity?”

  “You know it’s true,” Glory said.

  Mac came to stand closer. “Think of the choices,” she said. “You have all the choices in the world.”

  Angelica lifted her arms. “It’s so...so vast.”

  “And beautiful,” Mac said, with a sweeping hand encompassing the trees, the lake, the sky, the mountaintops.

  “So beautiful,” Angelica agreed.

  “Come on,” Glory said, tugging on her elbow. “We’ll look for a sign to tell us what we should do.”

  “Us?”

  “Yeah. Us.” Glory moved forward on the path that returned them to the shady forest. “You need to figure out your next life steps. I need to decide whether I want to sleep with Kyle. Mac has to find a way to admit to herself that she’s not over Zan.”

  At that, Mac shrieked, scaring three birds from the brush. Another pinecone fight e
nsued, until they encountered a creek, the water providing a soothing trickle of sound that grew louder as they paced alongside it.

  “The waterfall?” Angelica asked, and then it was in front of them, the mountainside dropping off in a series of wide, staggered steps. The first platform was the width of a car, and at its center the water had worn a hole in a recognizable shape. As the pool filled, it overflowed and the liquid ran along the rocky surface, then fell to the next tier. “It’s a heart.”

  “Is that your sign?” Mac asked Angelica, her voice sly.

  Angelica lifted her gaze from the waterfall, distracted by a loud chattering from above. Bushy-tailed squirrels looked down in disapproval, then continued on with the business of stuffing their cheeks with food for winter.

  “They might be,” she said, pointing upward at the critters. “It won’t be sunshine forever, will it? I’m going to have to replace my convertible with something sturdier.”

  “If you decide to stay here,” Glory agreed.

  They were quiet after that, each seemingly wrapped in their own thoughts as they trekked back to the trailhead. Angelica mulled over really trying to make a go of it in the mountains. She had that finance degree...though nothing seemed as attractive to her as a day spent in Blue Arrow Lake, helping customers at the hardware store.

  Once in the car, on their return trip to the village, Glory turned into one of the highway’s designated overlooks. This one presented a view very different than what had caught Angelica’s breath before. Below them, “down the hill,” was the vast urban sprawl of the towns and cities of Southern California. One could even imagine that the smudge on the western horizon was the ocean.

  Would Angelica’s bliss be easier to discover in a high rise or at the beach?

  “More than eleven jobs to be found down there,” Glory murmured.

  Angelica shot her a look. “Glory?”

  “Never mind,” her friend said, pulling back onto the road. “My future’s already set in stone.”

  They reached Mac’s offices as the sun dipped beneath the pines. Warmth still lingered in the air, but it felt almost sentimental to Angelica. A summer memory quickly fading.

  Climbing out of the car, she decided to take that as her sign. This was no time to be floating along, aimless. She had to think beyond tonight’s meal and tomorrow’s schedule. She smiled to herself. Winter is coming. Hah!