Beginnings - SF2

by Susan X Meagher

  Jamie descended the stairs also and looked at her for a minute. "Then what's the problem?"

  "Even though I know you're not really gay, I saw you with her last night and I know what I saw. You were acting like lovers, and if you haven't slept with her it's only a matter of time. You can still get out, Jamie. You don't have to ruin your entire reputation over her," she said emphatically.

  "Being friends with Ryan can only help my reputation," she said confidently. "Anything of her that rubs off on me can only make me a better person."

  "Look Jamie, I really feel for you. I know you have very little experience with love and sex. She's such an operator that she's convinced you that she loves you. But she only loves what you can do for her. Can't you see that?"

  "So, only people who want my money or my family connections would be stupid enough to want me?" she snapped.

  "Of course not. But why would a slut like her waste her time trying to get to you? There're thousands of women just like her, and she certainly doesn't seem to have any trouble picking them up. She has to want something from you, Jamie. The people who care about you can all see this," she insisted. "I spoke to Jack this afternoon, and he feels the same way that I…"

  Her voice was cut off by the 110 pounds that propelled themselves against her body in a wild fury. Jamie grabbed her blouse with both hands and shook her violently as she cried, "You bitch! You god-damned bitch!"

  Cassie was nearly too shocked to move, but her self-preservation instincts took over as she used her superior size and weight to push Jamie away from her roughly. "Listen to me, Jamie," she said with cold rage marring her attractive face, "you can do whatever you want with that dyke. But you keep her out of my house! I will not have her fouling the air that I breathe."

  "No, you listen to me, Cassie. This is MY house, and I decide who visits here. Ryan is completely and totally welcome here. If you don't like it, you'll be the one who leaves, not her!"

  "You mean to look me in the eye and tell me that you choose that whore over our friendship?"

  Jamie edged as close as she could get and glared at her, locking eyes as she enunciated, "If I had 100 opportunities, she'd win every time."

  Her hands were shaking so badly that she knew she should not risk being on the road. She had not yet told her parents she was coming down and now she began to doubt whether it was a good idea after all. She had nothing to talk about except Ryan and the AIDS Ride, and neither topic would be terribly welcome at her parents' home. She did have a lot of studying to do, and if she took the weekend off from seeing Ryan they could both get caught up. The jumble of ideas rolled around in her head as she sank down onto her bed and promptly fell into a depressed sleep.

  After her last client Ryan ran by a favorite cheap and cheerful restaurant and got some dinner. She pored over one of her ever-present books while she ate and then decided that spending the night at the library would be a better idea than fighting traffic on the way home.

  The library was open late in preparation for finals, and she climbed into a carrel and did not move until the lights flashed, signaling the close. My God, she thought in amazement. I can't believe six hours flew by like that. At least I got my concentration back for an evening.

  She trudged all the way back to Jamie's with her heavy book bag, knowing that the ride home would keep her awake. As she passed by her lover's house, she was hit with a stab of shock and outrage when she saw that her car was still in the driveway. No lights were on in her room, and the living room was dark as well. God damn it, Jamie. You don't have to lie to me! You're still a free woman, and you can spend your evenings however you wish, but lying to me is just unacceptable!

  She rode home in a funk and glumly welcomed Duffy into her bed. "And they call you a dog," she murmured as she snuggled him close to her.

  As soon as Jamie woke, she felt much more in control of her feelings. It was just after six, but she knew Ryan would be up and running. She quickly paged her and sat by the phone waiting for it to ring. After 15 minutes she gave up and got in the shower. She was slightly concerned, but not really worried since Ryan didn't normally take her pager when she ran. After her shower, she got dressed and took a novel she had to read and walked over to Sufficient Grounds. She didn't want to be in the house since Cassie was home, and she thought she could get more done without the threat of running into her.

  It was nearly eight o'clock and her anxiety had been growing for an hour when her phone finally rang. "Where were you?" she quickly asked.

  "I was asleep. I had the pager on vibrate." Ryan's voice was completely businesslike. She had answered the question, but no more information was forthcoming.

  "Did you just wake up?"

  "No. I got up about an hour ago. I had breakfast, then I called you back."

  "Um…you knew I paged you two hours ago?"

  "Yeah. Why does that bother you?" she asked bitterly. "Does it hurt you like I felt last night when I came by your house at midnight and saw that you were home?"

  For some reason, even though Ryan had every right to be mad, the tone and the assumption rubbed her completely the wrong way. "I'm sorry if I disturbed you Ryan. I'm also sorry that I didn't update you on my plans. I'll remember to go to the store and buy a Global Positioning System tracking device today." She clicked off her phone and did not turn it back on, as she fumed over the rest of her coffee.

  She walked around campus until the Biosciences Library opened at 10. She'd never heard any of her friends mention using this library, and she guessed that Ryan would stay home to study, so she reasoned that she could hide out and finish her novel. She felt really bad about the fight she had with Ryan; she was aware that, due to her own guilt, she was more sensitive than usual, but the bottom line was that she would not allow Ryan to supervise her, no matter how much she loved her.

  At eleven she called home to check for messages and was stricken with guilt when she heard the plaintive messages from her partner. She had left four, each one more contrite than the last. She was in the process of dialing Ryan's pager when a dark head peeked around her study carrel.

  With her flushed, damp face, Ryan looked like she had been running laps. Her eyes were sunken and bloodshot, and she looked like she had been up all night. When she made eye contact, Jamie was afraid that her partner was going to burst into tears. She looked so sad and lost that Jamie immediately pulled her into the little carrel and cradled her on her lap. "I'll squish you," Ryan murmured against her ear.

  "There's no one I'd rather be squished by," she said as she increased the strength of her embrace.

  She heard the person in the carrel behind hers utter an exaggerated sigh, so she patted Ryan's butt and got up to lead her from the library.

  They went through the south doors and immediately sat down on the wide granite balustrade that flanked the entrance. Even though this side of the building was less trafficked, they were quite exposed; nevertheless, Jamie ignored her normal hesitancy and sat right on Ryan's lap, wrapping her arms around her neck for additional comfort. "I'm sorry, Ryan. I shouldn't have snapped at you."

  "It's okay. I shouldn't have implied that I was supervising you. But I wasn't at all, really Jamie. I don't do that!"

  "Well, you never have before, and it was wrong of me to assume you were doing so now."

  "I was worried about you," she murmured. "You weren't acting right yesterday morning, and I really felt like you were trying to avoid me. Then when I went to get my bike, I saw your car and I felt like you were lying to me. I was really hurt, Jamie," she said with tears in her eyes. "I couldn't sleep at all last night, and I…and I…." Her voice trailed off as she tried to compose herself. She didn't like to cry in public, and she still felt a little odd crying in front of Jamie, so she pursed her lips and took a few deep breaths.

  "I'm so sorry, Ryan. I'm so sorry," she soothed. "It's all my fault, Honey. It's all my fault."

  "B…B…But why?" Ryan's shaky voice asked.

  Jamie took in a deep br
eath and closed her eyes for a moment. "Something happened between Cassie and Mia and me on Thursday night. It really upset me, but I didn't want to talk about it until I had some things resolved in my mind. And I know this is hard to hear, but sometimes your connectedness makes me feel a little overwhelmed," she said tentatively.

  "What do you mean?" she asked in a quivering voice as she looked up at Jamie with her red-rimmed eyes. She looked so fragile and young that it broke Jamie's heart to tell her this but she felt like she had to.

  "You know me so well, and you're so attuned to my every mood that sometimes I start to feel swallowed," she admitted. "I love the way that you know me, but sometimes it's a lot."

  "But I know you because I love you," she murmured with her fragile face.

  "I know, Ryan. I want you to know me that well, but no one else ever has. You know me ten times better than anyone else ever tried to. And I normally think that is a tremendous gift, and I'm normally terrifically grateful that you care enough to know me that well. But some times it feels like I can't tell where I stop and you start. Then it scares me, and I just need to withdraw a little."

  "And that's why you lied to me?" she asked softly. "So you could have some peace?"

  "No, Ryan, no. I did not lie to you. I was going home, and I was going to leave right after Anna. I had another go around with Cassie, and I was so upset afterwards that I went upstairs and fell asleep in my clothes. I woke up this morning at six and called you immediately."

  "But you were going to your parents' to get some peace, right?" she mumbled.

  "No, that's not how I would put it. I didn't feel ready to talk about this issue, and I knew you'd know something was wrong, so to avoid having to explain myself, I tried to hide."

  "But Jamie, there's such an easy way to deal with this."

  "What's that?" she asked.

  "When I ask you what's wrong, just acknowledge that something is wrong but tell me you're not ready to talk about it. Isn't that easier?"

  She nodded her head slowly, lightly rubbing her cheek against Ryan's dark head. "I'll try," she promised.

  Ryan lifted her face and asked, "Is anything bothering you, Jamie?"

  "Yes, Ryan, something is bothering me, but I'm not ready to talk about it right now. When I am, I'll tell you, okay?"

  "Okay," she said and let her face curl into the most amazing smile that Jamie thought she had ever seen. The smaller woman absolutely could not resist the need to lean down and kiss that beautiful mouth again and again. They were so involved that neither of them saw Mia jerk to a halt not twenty feet away, but she most definitely saw them.

  "How much sleep did you get last night?" Jamie asked as they both stood.

  "Um…I got home about one and I tossed and turned until three. Then I woke up in a panic at five, thinking that maybe you were sick or hurt or mad at me. I went back to sleep until seven but Duffy woke me then and I finally got up."

  "What did you do after we talked?"

  "I called you a bunch of times at home, then I practically wore the numbers off the phone dialing your cell. I got dressed and came over here at nine but I didn't have the nerve to go to your house. I went to all of your favorite coffee places and restaurants, and then I started hitting the libraries that I know you like. I started in Moffitt and searched every square inch, but then I thought you might come here. I'm not sure where I would have gone next," she said as she shook her head with a forlorn little look.

  "You poor, poor thing. It must have taken you an hour to search that huge building!"

  Ryan nodded.

  "I really thought you could catch up this weekend if we weren't together, and now look what I've done to you."

  "It's okay, Jamie. I'll go home and take a nap, and then I can study there."

  "Come to my house," she urged. "I want to see if I can study with you near me. We're going to have to get used to that sooner or later, you know."

  "Okay, but is that a good idea? I assume any fight you were having with your roommates had me somewhere in it."

  "It's fine. I don't think Cassie could be any angrier than she already is and Mia likes you, so it's okay." They walked back across campus, hand in hand. When they reached the house, Cassie was in the kitchen and she opened the door a bit to see who was home. Her face soured immediately upon seeing Ryan. As they entered Jamie's room, Ryan asked, "How could such a pretty face look so ugly so often?"

  "You should see her mother. She always looks like there's a bad smell somewhere. It must be hereditary."

  Jamie hopped onto the center of the bed and patted the side next to her in an inviting fashion. "Come on, get in."

  "But I've got to study," Ryan complained weakly.

  "Uh-uh, no dice. You come right here and lay your pretty head right on my lap. I'm going to put myself to the ultimate test. I'm going to read a boring novel by Henry James while I put you to sleep. This is a scientific inquiry and I need pristine conditions, so work with me here."

  Ryan gave her a sweet little smile as she kicked off her shoes and started to climb in. Instead, she detoured to the door and locked it, then stripped off her jeans. She left on her bright yellow t-shirt and as she crawled across the bed Jamie patted her butt and said, "You look like a bumble bee with those black shorts and yellow shirt."

  "Well, if you're doing a scientific inquiry, you need to account for all of the variables. Having my pants off just makes your task a little bit harder."

  "I'll say," she agreed as she ran a hand across the smoothly muscled rear. "Now put your head right here," she instructed as she indicated the area where her thighs met her pelvis.

  Ryan raised one eyebrow but quickly complied, settling down comfortably with a minimum of adjustments. Jamie ran her fingers through her hair for a few minutes smiling to herself when she heard the rhythmic breathing begin almost immediately.

  By one o'clock Ryan had shifted her position so that she was curled up in a little ball on the left side of the bed. Jamie had been plowing through her novel, but she found that she was sinking lower and lower as the afternoon wore on. To combat her weariness and to satisfy her growling stomach, she decided to go downstairs to make lunch. She slipped out of bed and stood still for a few minutes to make sure Ryan didn't wake. She must be a deep sleeper like me, she thought as she watched her chest slowly rise and fall in a slow cadence.

  Even though she had been doing well in keeping her pantry stocked, she found nothing that appealed to her for lunch, so she hopped in the car and drove over to Andronico's to do a little shopping. She made two Italian cold cut sandwiches and grabbed two bottles of water before returning to her room. It was nearly two, but Ryan still had not moved a muscle. She sat on the loveseat and read while she ate, whiling away another hour. At three o'clock she heard a small noise and looked up to notice a little movement from her companion. She climbed in bed behind her and gently rubbed all over her body, smiling at the catlike way she stretched and twisted to wake. Cute little moans and tiny growls were the only sounds to come from the slowly waking woman. When Jamie was sure that her partner was fully awake she started to nibble on her tender little ear. "Want some lunch, Sleeping Beauty?"

  "Yeah," her little five-year-old girl voice replied. "If my tummy hadn't been growling so much I'd still be asleep, but you know the beast can't be denied."

  "Well sit up a little and I'll get your sandwich."

  "What do I get?" she asked happily.

  "You get ham and salami and prosciutto and provolone with a little mayo and a few pepperochinis."

  "Ummm, my favorite!"

  "Do you make sandwiches like this?"

  "No, but I can tell it's going to be my new favorite," she said confidently.

  Jamie hopped back into bed and started to read again. Ryan gulped the sandwich down in record time, pronouncing it her most favorite sandwich ever. She snuggled up against Jamie, laying her head back in her lap, and was asleep within ten minutes. Jeez, how little sleep did she get last night? I've never known
her to sleep in the daytime at all, much less for hours at a time.

  By the time she finished her novel, she had an overpowering desire to snuggle down and join her companion for a long nap. Since it was nearly six, she didn't think that was wise. She started to move just a tiny bit, and Ryan quickly opened her eyes and sat straight up. "Time to get up?" she asked, sounding fully alert.

  "Are you a heavy sleeper or not?" she asked confusedly. "That one time you took a nap on my couch, you said you were a really light sleeper, but this afternoon you were nearly comatose."

  "I'm generally a light sleeper, and I usually wake up pretty alert, but I was so relaxed and peaceful this afternoon that I just zonked. I've been fantasizing about sleeping with you a lot, but in my dreams we were never really sleeping," she said with a leer. "I've got to admit that actually sleeping when you're near me is one of the most pleasurable experiences I've ever had. This is the kind of thing I've missed out on, you know. I've never felt comfortable enough with the women I've been with to just collapse like I did today."

  "That's so sweet," Jamie said as she leaned over and hugged her. "I love hearing about the things that make our being together special for you."

  Ryan was now lying on her back, and she pulled her companion down to rest against her side. "I just felt warm and peaceful this afternoon. It felt like I must have felt lying in my mother's arms," she said softly. "I knew I was safe and that you'd protect me."

  "You'll always be safe with me, Ryan," she vowed as she tilted her head just a bit to capture her companion's warm, full lips. They exchanged sweet soft kisses for a few lazy minutes, relishing the warmth and safety of their bond.