Beginnings - SF2

by Susan X Meagher

  Ryan was in the exact position she had been in earlier. She was sitting in a straight-backed chair that she had pulled up in front of a very large marble representation of a battle-clad-angel who held a massive sword against the neck of the groveling devil that was curled up at his feet. She was leaning forward, with her torso braced by her elbows, which rested on her thighs. Head slightly bowed, eyes closed. Moving to her side, Jamie gently placed her hand on Ryan's dark head and pulled it against her hip. Ryan nuzzled against her, indicating her acceptance of the touch. "Mind if I join you?" the smaller woman asked softly.

  "Please," Ryan nodded, opening her eyes to gaze at her partner.

  "Feel like talking?"

  Her bottom lip stuck out for a moment as she considered her answer. A short nod followed and even though that wasn't a rousing 'yes,' it was enough to assure Jamie that she wasn't interfering.

  "I was just thinking how ironic it was," Ryan said as she turned her gaze back to the statue.

  "How ironic what was, Honey?"

  "How ironic it is that I feel his spirit so strongly here," she related after a moment. Turning to Jamie she explained, "He was no fan of the Church."

  "Really?"

  "Really," Ryan said clearly, smiling a little at her memories. "I was still a kid when he died, but I recall him talking about it quite a lot—especially in his last year."

  "What did he say?" Jamie asked, wanting to share some of Ryan's memories.

  "I think he held back a little with me, to tell you the truth," she recalled. "I was still in choir and I was an acolyte so I was really connected, and I think he was afraid of harming my relationship with the Church.

  His father, my Uncle Charlie, couldn't come to terms with Michael's sexual orientation. They fought—a lot—and it made the whole situation so much worse. My uncle was very old school about religion. He had been taught that homosexuality was a sin and he was not going to let Michael die without doing his best to get him to repent. But Michael didn't buy into that at all. After a particularly nasty fight one afternoon, he looked at me and said, 'Ryan, I always want you to remember that God loves you just the way he made you.'"

  "That's sweet," Jamie said. "Do you think he knew…about you?"

  "Oh yeah," she laughed. "He never said anything, of course, but I was a baby dyke from the time I was in diapers. Anybody who was sensitive to gay kids would have known. But he said something else that day. He said, 'God is with you everywhere, Ryan, although he seems to be mysteriously absent in the Catholic Church.' "

  "Hmm," Jamie mused. "Do you think he grew disenchanted with the Church when he discovered he was gay?"

  "No, I think it was before that. Actually, I'm sure of it," she related. "He was a very bright guy, very much into philosophy and theology. Theology was actually his major in college. He kept a journal from the time he was 16 or so, and a couple of years ago Aunt Maeve let me read them. Wow," she said with a laugh. "He was more than a little disenchanted, but it got worse when he came out, and much worse when he contracted AIDS. He thought the Church was a willing participant in the genocide of gay men worldwide because of its rigid stance against using condoms. Plus he was angry with the Church for refusing to ordain women, not allowing birth control, and a dozen other issues."

  "That does sound like he was more than a little disenchanted," Jamie laughed softly. "Did his feelings influence you?"

  "No, not at the time," she mused. "I needed the security of the Church at that point in my life. And Michael was usually very gentle in his criticism around me. By the time I read his journals, I had reached my own conclusions," she smiled. "My feelings now closely follow his, but I still enjoy going to Mass. I just look at it in a different light now."

  "Tell me how you look at it?" she asked, intensely curious.

  Ryan grew pensive for a few minutes. When she spoke again she turned to Jamie and related, "Now I view going to church as a chance to be with other people who are seeking some spiritual answers. I like singing the songs, and the prayers are nice too. It makes me feel very connected to our ancestors," she mused. "I sometimes get an image of prehistoric man, trying to make some sense out of his life, looking to the stars or the moon or whatever it was that they worshiped. I don't think we've made much progress from that point, to tell you the truth," she laughed. "But it's somehow reassuring to be with other people who are trying to answer some of their own existential questions."

  "So you don't feel like a Catholic?" she asked.

  "I would have to say that I believe about one percent of what the Church considers dogma, so I'm sure the Church doesn't consider me Catholic," she explained. "But it is the faith of dozens of generations of O'Flahertys and Ryans, so I feel culturally Catholic."

  "Did you make that term up?" she asked as she patted Ryan's leg.

  "Probably," she admitted. "Some people refer to 'Cafeteria Catholics' as the people who pick and choose which parts of the faith they believe. But I believe so few of them that I'm basically fasting!"

  "But it doesn't bother you to go to Church, given how you feel about it?"

  "No, not really. I actually enjoy myself most of the time. It feels very familiar and usually quite reassuring. I like to recall my childhood, when I believed every word. It was a very peaceful feeling, and going to Mass sometimes lets me recapture that."

  "I want to go with you sometime," she offered.

  "I'd love to take you," Ryan stated as she gave her a very generous hug. "Thanks for coming to get me." A shy grin crossed her face as she squeezed Jamie's thigh. "It helped."

  After the stop Ryan seemed in a much lighter mood, and they tossed teasing comments back and forth as they rode the last 12 miles. Jamie would occasionally try to zoom ahead, putting on as much speed as she could generate. Of course Ryan could easily best her, no matter how concerted her efforts. But the effort was always worthwhile when Ryan passed her, pedaling furiously, her muscled rear high off the seat, twitching with effort. Mmmm, maybe that's my favorite body part, Jamie thought as Ryan blew past one more time.

  They pulled into the Mid-State Fairgrounds in Paso Robles just before two p.m. This was considerably earlier than they had finished the previous two days, and they decided to shower and nap before dinner. Jamie showered first, as had become custom, while Ryan set up camp. After her shower, Ryan slipped on a white tank top and a pair of vivid blue print running shorts. When she returned to the tent she tried to quietly crawl in to join her lover, whom Ryan expected to be sound asleep. She was a little surprised, but enormously pleased, to find her wide awake, wearing only a light blue cotton tank top and matching panties. She was lying on her side, her elbow firmly planted, her head resting on her open hand. "Hi," she said in a sultry tone as she wiggled one eyebrow.

  Ryan was a bit taken aback, but she rallied quickly, assuming a similar tone. "Hi, yourself. You look like something's on your mind, " she said as she crawled up right next to her partner, mirroring her pose.

  "Something is," Jamie replied with a small nod and a gentle smile. "Wanna guess what it is?" she asked as she started to trace light patterns on Ryan's arm.

  "I think I have a pretty good idea," Ryan purred as she closed her eyes to soak in the sensation.

  "Tell me," Jamie teased as she continued to play with Ryan's sensitized skin.

  "I think you want to move our honeymoon up a few days," Ryan finally replied, as she shivered involuntarily at the delicate touch.

  That response seemed to jolt Jamie back into reality. She shook her head a little as she moaned, "God, Ryan I don't know what I want! I mean, I know what I want, and I really want it now. I really, really want it now. I...I...I've just never felt like this. Sleeping with you at night and waking up in your arms just makes me want to touch you...everywhere," she said shyly. "I think about it all day long," she groaned as Ryan moved closer and cradled her in her arms.

  "Shhhh, it's okay, Jamie. It's okay," she said soothingly, as she lightly patted her back.

  "I just feel so
confused," she mumbled into Ryan's chest. As she pulled her head back, she added sternly, "And you're not helping matters in that tiny little outfit." As she ran her hands up and down Ryan's back she moaned again in frustration. "No underwear, either?!"

  "I thought we were going to sleep," she replied innocently. "Would you like me to put some more clothes on?"

  "No," she muttered, "you're a total hottie no matter what you're wearing."

  "Um...I'm sorry?" Ryan teased.

  Jamie looked at her seriously and finally asked, "Can you help me figure out what I want?"

  "I think I can," she replied confidently. "Let's go back to when you decided you wanted to wait until our vacation. Why did you want to wait?"

  Jamie looked a little embarrassed, but she gamely replied, "I know it's kind of silly. But I've built this up in my mind, and I really want it to be special. Does that make any sense to you?" she asked timidly.

  "Of course it does," Ryan said reassuringly. "This means a lot to me too, Jamie. I want to look back and remember our first time together for the rest of my life."

  "So you don't think I'm just being silly about this?"

  "Not at all," she said vehemently. "I want this to be an experience that will be burned into your memory."

  "But what do you want, Ryan? I feel that all of our discussions about sex focus on my needs."

  "To be honest, when you first told me of your feelings I was worried that it would be too hard for me to wait. I mean, I had been with Tracy for three months by then, and I was really getting twitchy," she gave a little embarrassed chuckle. "But I think waiting has really been good for me. With Tracy I wasn't sure of my feelings, so I was pulled in both directions. But with you, I'm absolutely certain that you're the woman for me." She sat up to better organize her thoughts. "This might sound weird, but it's been a little like Lent for me." Jamie gave her a quizzical grin, encouraging her to go on. "During Lent you deny yourself some things that you like, and you really try to focus on the important lessons of the season. With you, I've had to deny myself some things I really, really like." Here she laughed a bit. "But that self-denial has made me focus on my feelings for you outside of the sexual arena. I know that I'm more in love with you than I was in March. And I really think that keeping our relationship less sexual has helped those feelings blossom." Now she leaned in and wrapped her arms around Jamie again as she whispered right into her ear. "Even though I want you with a passion that I've never felt for another human soul, I'm glad we waited."

  "So, you agree that making love in a tiny tent in the middle of three thousand people isn't the most memorable setting?"

  "It might be memorable," she grinned. "But I want the memories to be ours alone. I don't want our neighbors to remember our first time as well as I do."

  "Well, you do have a point there," Jamie said as she listened to the people come and go in the surrounding tents. "Besides," she teased, "I'm kind of proud of being your first tentmate on the AIDS Ride to resist your charms."

  "Okay, you've got me there," she agreed happily. "Now can we take that nap?"

  As they snuggled up together, Jamie abruptly sat up and asked, "You had sex with every other tentmate on the ride. Didn't people hear you?"

  "Oh yeah," she said with a chuckle. "I always tried to wait until it was quiet, but I'll admit that I got a lot of knowing looks from my tent neighbors."

  "But you don't want to do that with me?" she asked.

  "No, definitely not," Ryan said firmly. "It was just sex with those women, and having people hear us was no big thing. Actually," she said with a rakish grin, "since my neighbors were usually guys, it was kind of a competition. I was just doing my part to show that lesbians like sex too!"

  "That might be fun next year after we need a little spice," she said with a chuckle. "But right now I agree that some nice quiet romance is in order."

  "Romance it is," she said with a few delicate nibbles of Jamie's tender neck. "But until then how about a nice quiet orgasm?"

  "Not a bad idea," Jamie said, after a moment's thought. "Give me fifteen," she demanded, jerking her thumb in the direction of the tent opening.

  After her forced exile, Ryan crawled back in and snuggled up behind her physically satiated lover. When they awoke an hour later, Jamie was half sprawled across Ryan, with her thigh wedged between the long, muscular legs. Her right hand had strayed up under the white tank top, resting on her rib cage, just below a tempting breast. They laughed a bit at their position as Jamie said, "My subconscious has a mind of its own."

  "I think I'm gonna like your subconscious," Ryan whispered in a sultry tone as she leaned in for a kiss.

  They were already waiting in line when dinner was served. Ryan was jiggling her foot and generally looking anxious for some minutes when the line began to move.

  "Hey, are you okay?" Jamie asked.

  "Yeah, I'm just really hungry. I normally eat a bigger lunch than we get here, and it's starting to catch up with me, I guess."

  "Why don't you go back for seconds at lunch?"

  "It's kind of a delicate balance. I need to get enough fuel, but if I eat what I normally do, I'd feel too heavy. So I just try to make sure I'm getting enough calories, even if I still feel hungry."

  "You look like you've lost a couple of pounds," Jamie said as she ran her hand up Ryan's tummy. "Try to make sure you get enough tonight, okay? It's early enough so you'll have digested it before we go to sleep."

  "I'll do my best," she happily agreed.

  After Ryan had tucked away more chicken burritos, rice, beans and salad than Jamie thought possible, they went for another stroll around the campgrounds. They stopped by a group of UPS drivers who were still handing out gear bags to riders who had come in late. Jamie asked, "Are they volunteers, too?"

  "Yep. Not only are all of the drivers volunteers, they take their personal vacation to do this. UPS donates the trucks, which is no small thing, but the drivers really make this ride happen. They cart all of the food and water to all the pit stops, and they transport all of the gear from site to site. It's really a remarkable contribution."

  They continued on their little stroll, meeting a few of Ryan's old friends in the process. When they were at the farthest point of the campground, they found a quiet spot and grabbed a picnic table. "I really like how you introduce me as your 'partner'," Jamie said as she cuddled up against her partner's warm side.

  "Well, since you're my first real significant other, I had to think about your title," she admitted. "Lover is way too one dimensional. Girlfriend doesn't sound serious or permanent enough. That left me with partner, mate, wife and spouse." She pursed her lips and cocked her head a little as she continued. "I kind of like spouse, and I really like mate. But they both seem more appropriate if we had a public commitment to each other. So partner seemed the best term for us right now. What do you think?" she asked.

  "I think it is so sweet that you spend time thinking about things like this so carefully," Jamie replied as she wrapped her arms around Ryan's neck and kissed her soundly.

  "I looked them all up in the dictionary," the grinning woman added with a hopeful little eyebrow wiggle.

  "Then you clearly deserve more kisses," Jamie replied solemnly. When she was finished bestowing the reward, she asked, "Would you like to have a public commitment ceremony?"

  "Absolutely," Ryan said decisively, clearly having given the issue some thought. "I'd like to tell every person I've ever known how much you mean to me." She placed a few sweet kisses upon her partner's lips as she added, "When we get back I'm going to write a long letter to my very traditional grandparents to tell them the good news."

  "Do they know you're gay?" Jamie asked, realizing that Ryan rarely spoke of her Irish relatives.

  "We've never formally discussed it, but I think my Aunt Moira may have indicated that I was. Neither of them has ever asked me a question about who I'm dating or if I'm going to get married, so they must know something, since my granny is always on the boys a
bout it."

  "How old are they?"

  "My grandmother is 80 this year, and my grandfather is 85. They still live in the little town where my great-great-great grandfather was born. They're not very wise to the ways of the world, but my grandmother knows people. So I don't think they'll be overjoyed, but I think they'll come to accept it. My Aunt is very cool about it and all of my cousins know, so my grandparents can vent to them if it really bothers them."

  "When did you see them last?"

  "My Aunt and my cousin Aisling were here just last summer—about a month before you and I met. But my grandparents won't leave County Mayo for love nor money, so I last saw them two summers ago. I try to save up to go at least that often since they're getting up in years."

  "So you should go this summer, huh?"

  "Yeah, ideally I would, but I think I'm going to be terribly busy with a little blonde I know."

  "Likewise, I'm sure," she said with a grin. "Did you go to Ireland often when you were young?"

  "Yeah, I did. After my mother died, Da had a heck of a time keeping track of me during summer vacation. He enrolled me in every kind of sport, and gave me every kind of lesson to keep me busy, but summers were always hard for him. I always had too much time on my little hands, and I was always in some sort of trouble. So he would send me to my grandmother for anywhere from one to three months. I think he did it partly to give Brendan a break, actually," she laughed at the memory of her brother tracking her down all over the city.

  "Wasn't it hard for you to leave your father for that long?" remembering how hard it was for her partner to say goodbye to Rory.