It hadn’t dawned on him that Kate would need a bigger place, but her tiny one-bedroom wouldn’t work long-term. Knowing how much she made, he wondered what kind of neighborhood she could afford to live in, and if any would be suitable for raising a young boy.
“Are you going to marry Kate?” Lucas asked.
The chess moves Edward had been planning vanished with the question.
“Why would you think I would marry Kate?” Edward asked and moved his knight to block one of Lucas’s pawns.
“Well, you’re her boyfriend, right? I thought that after people dated, they got married.” Lucas took Edward’s rook.
Edward felt warm, his mouth suddenly dry. “Not all people who date get married.” He moved his bishop and captured Lucas’s rook.
“Why not?” Lucas considered the board and took Edward’s other bishop.
The boy knew how to ask hard questions. He must have been taking interrogation lessons from Nick.
“There can be many reasons, like incompatibility or difference in beliefs,” Edward said, making another move that would result in his other knight being captured, provided Lucas saw it. He wondered if Lucas knew what the word incompatibility meant.
Lucas did see the move, deliberated for a minute, before taking it. “But you and Kate get along great and you go to church together.”
The boy made it sound so simple, but it wasn’t in Edward’s mind.
“While that’s all true, it’s not enough of a reason to get married.”
Lucas gave him a thoughtful look before making his next move. He was getting dangerously close to capturing Edward’s king.
“But you’re sleeping in the same bed with her. Doesn’t that mean you love her?” Lucas asked.
What kinds of things was this child being taught at school, and a Catholic one at that? Edward pulled at the collar of his sweater, which had now started to suffocate him.
“Sleeping in the same bed with someone doesn’t mean you love them,” Edward replied. He cared for Kate, more than he’d ever cared for another woman, but love? No, what he felt was lust. Nothing more than hot desire that had him burning for her even when she wasn’t there.
“So you don’t love Kate?” Lucas moved his knight. “Check.”
For fuck’s sake. The kid wasn’t only asking questions that were too intimate, but also kicking his bloody ass at chess.
“While I care for Kate very much, it’s a little too soon to know if I love her.”
The words felt heavy on his tongue. Edward didn’t even know if love existed, let alone if he was capable of loving someone. It was difficult to be able to return feelings he’d never been shown. While he loved his brother, they’d never spoken of their feelings. It was more of what they did for each other that conveyed how they felt.
Contrary to his relationship with his own, Kate’s family was both verbal and physical with their feelings. Someone was always hugging and kissing someone, even the men. He couldn’t recall ever being hugged or kissed by his parents. Although it had been uncomfortable for him at first, he was getting used to her family’s outward display of affection.
“So you may love her one day?” Lucas pressed.
The kid was going to be a cop or a lawyer when he grew up. “I suppose that’s a possibility. Where is all this coming from, Lucas?”
Edward studied the board, knowing it was a lost cause.
“I just thought that if you loved Kate, you would get married, and then you could be my dad,” Lucas said.
Edward’s heart nearly stopped. He’d never given much thought to getting married, let alone being a father. He figured he would get around to it one day, but hearing Lucas say the words made him feel trapped, as though he couldn’t breathe.
Edward wanted to tell Lucas he would love to be his father, but knew he couldn’t lead the boy on. Not when Lucas looked at him with such soft and honest eyes, full of hope and longing for a family.
He cleared his throat. “Lucas, I have no plans to marry Kate.”
“Yeah, Kate said the same thing.”
“You discussed this with her?”
“A little. She said you weren’t the marrying type.”
Edward wasn’t sure if he was relieved Kate understood him well enough to know he didn’t want to get married or offended that once again she made presumptions about how he felt. “Honesty, Lucas, I haven’t given marriage much thought.”
“Well, if you do, I’d be okay if you married Kate.”
Edward didn’t blame the boy for wanting a family. Hell, it’s what he and Charles had wanted in their youth, but him, a father? The thought was preposterous. He wasn’t even sure he would want himself as a father.
“Thanks, sport. I’ll keep that in mind.”
Lucas squinted in concentration before he made his final move, bishop takes king. “Checkmate.”
****
Back at his brother’s brownstone, Edward stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. He glanced at his reflection in the mirror, wincing at the tiredness he saw. While the day had begun promisingly, with Kate naked in bed, it got progressively worse, starting with Lucas interrupting Christmas morning sex.
He didn’t blame the child…not really. The boy had awakened in a strange house, anxious whether he had presents under the tree. Edward had never seen such enthusiasm in a child, but then again, he and his brother were never allowed to tear wrapping paper off the packages. Christmas was all very…civilized. No shouting with excitement over getting a toy you really wanted, or crying if you didn’t. Terribly boring.
After overhearing Kate shout out her plans to adopt Lucas and their subsequent conversation in the cemetery, Edward had been drained. Then they brought Lucas back to the orphanage before heading to Charles’s house for dinner. The ride back into the city was made in silence. He hadn’t intended to give Kate the cold shoulder, but he didn’t know what to say to her.
While they both tried to maintain a cheerful facade during dinner, he knew both Charles and Meghan were aware something was wrong. Luckily, neither of them broached the subject. Now, it was long past dinner and Kate waited for him in the bedroom. What would he say?
He rubbed his temples and hunted in his toiletry bag for something to ease his pounding head. He thought back to his conversation with Lucas that afternoon. He’d been relentless in his questioning and Edward understood why. Christ, the boy had lost his entire family in one night. It was only by chance that Lucas hadn’t been with them. If he had been…well, it’s likely he would have been killed as well.
While Edward hadn’t been close to his parents, he’d never worried about having a roof over his head, clothes to wear, and food to eat. He couldn’t begin to imagine what a child as young as Lucas had gone through. And while a chance at being part of a family was most certainly important to Lucas, Edward couldn’t help fulfill the child’s dream. He was finally getting his own life on track. How could he take on the responsibility of a young child?
Edward had no doubt Kate would be a wonderful mother to Lucas. Just like he knew, or was fairly certain, he wouldn’t make a good husband or father. He was the sort of man who went with the flow, never planning things out in his personal life. He did what he wanted, when he wanted, and with whom he wanted.
For a brief moment, he found himself wondering what it would be like to be married to Kate and raise a child with her. He could see her clearly, helping Lucas with homework or sewing a costume for a play. What he couldn’t see was his contribution and didn’t feel worthy of their affection. He wasn’t reliable, couldn’t be counted on when things mattered. After all, isn’t that what he’d been told all his life?
And what to do about Kate? She insisted she wasn’t trying to trap him into a commitment. And he believed she felt that way—for now. Regardless of what she said, was it right to be in a relationship with her knowing it would never go anywhere? Was it fair to rob her of the opportunity to fall in love, and to give Lucas the family he deserved?
He
paced the bathroom and felt the walls closing in on him.
He jerked open the door, startling Kate who had been reading in bed. One look at her beautiful face and he knew what he had to do. He grabbed a clean pair of boxers and yanked on a pair of jeans.
“You’re leaving,” Kate stated in a tight voice.
He met her gaze and saw the hint of anger. The anger didn’t bother him; it was the hurt beyond the anger that did.
“Only for a few days. I need time to think.”
“Oh? And you can’t think here?”
“I need some distance from all this.”
“You mean from me.”
“I mean from this entire situation.”
“That’s bull. You’re a coward.” She gave a cynical laugh. “I’m not surprised, though. I guess I didn’t really think you’d stay once you learned about my plans with Lucas.”
“It’s not like I’m not coming back. I just need time to process everything.”
“Do you think I don’t know how the news about my adopting Lucas has affected you?”
“I’m not sure you can since I barely understand it myself.”
“Well, I’ll tell you what I see. I see a man who’s pulling away, who’s afraid to grow up and be part of something that’s about more than himself.”
He stiffened even though he knew she nailed him.
“Maybe. That’s why I need to go away for a bit. I can’t figure this out while surrounded by it.”
She watched him with eyes that made him want to climb into bed with her and wrap his arms in her warmth.
“Where will you go?”
“Vegas. There are some clients I can meet with while I sort this out.”
He expected her to argue, to give him dozens of reasons why he shouldn’t go. He was surprised and somewhat disappointed when she didn’t.
“Fine,” she said with a cool and detached tone.
“Will you be all right?”
She rose from the bed and gave him a look so dispassionate, he almost didn’t recognize her.
She tilted her head up. “I’ll be fine, Edward. I’ve learned the hard way not to depend on anyone. Guess that’s a good thing.” She gave him a lingering glance before heading toward the bathroom. “Have a safe trip,” she called over her shoulder. Then she snapped the door shut.
Chapter Twenty
Kate waited a full fifteen minutes before opening the bathroom door. The bedroom was empty, and a quick glance in the closet showed Edward’s suitcase was gone. Faced with the evidence he’d left, Kate wasn’t sure if she felt relief or emptiness that he had really walked out.
She crossed the room and yanked a sweatshirt over her pajamas. After considering getting back into bed, she decided she couldn’t bear to lie where the scent of him still lingered on the sheets. Silently, she padded her way to the kitchen where she fixed herself a cup of tea. After turning on the Christmas tree lights, she curled up on the couch and wrapped herself in a blanket.
When she was a little girl, she loved to sit in the darkness with only the tree lighting up the room. She used to pretend she was Clara from the Nutcracker, and sometimes she would take one of the wooden nutcrackers from the fireplace mantel and dance around the room, humming the melody from the “Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy.” On many an occasion, she wished the wooden figure would turn into a handsome prince and ask her to marry him. Never, in her childish fantasy, had her love ditched her in the middle of the night.
Now, with her boyfriend on his way to Vegas, Kate lay in the dimness and indulged herself in a good cry. She didn’t really blame Edward for leaving—mostly. He’d been thrown a curve ball—one he didn’t know how to handle. It’s not as though she expected him to stay with her and make a family with Lucas…but hope was a different thing.
When Mario and Tony had been killed, Kate swore to never become emotionally involved with or dependent on a man again. She’d rather be alone the rest of her life than risk another dysfunctional and abusive relationship.
Careful selection had gone into the lovers she’d taken since Mario’s death, choosing only partners interested in mutually satisfying sex—nothing more. It had worked, until now…until Edward.
With the sparkling tree lights casting magical shadows on the wall, Kate admitted she’d started to believe the fantasy she’d woven around her and Edward. She’d done the very thing she vowed not to do—she’d fallen in love with Edward Weston.
She acknowledged this with tears running down her face, and despised her weakness for wanting a family of her own…and love. The kind of love that was stronger than what she had felt for her husband.
Mario was her high school sweetheart. They’d been together since the summer before junior year, and were each other’s first lovers. While the sex had been good, she’d had nothing to compare it to.
More experienced now, she could say without a doubt her sexual liaisons to date paled in comparison to her time with Edward. He could arouse her with just one look or a slight touch on her arm. Their lovemaking was never dull. Sometimes it was rough and desperate, other times slow and tender until Kate thought she’d lose her mind.
Last night, their passion was every girlhood fantasy come true. She’d never felt so cherished and, dare she say, loved. Edward had never spoken the words, but she felt his love with every kiss and stroke of his hands.
Now he was gone. And while he claimed he’d be returning, Kate didn’t think he’d be coming back to her. No, she was certain once he separated himself from their fantasy world, he’d come to his senses and realize that being with her and Lucas wasn’t what he wanted.
Like Clara, Kate had awakened from the dream…and found herself alone.
****
Kate’s first conscious thought the next morning was of being shaken.
“Kate, wake up,” Meghan whispered.
With reluctance, Kate opened her eyes and stared into the concerned pair of her best friend.
“I’m awake,” Kate said, and stretched along the couch.
“I was worried when I came down and saw the tree lights on. Then I saw you sleeping here. What’s wrong? Did Edward and you have a fight?”
Kate sat up higher on the couch but didn’t attempt to get up. She flinched at his name being spoken.
“Not exactly a fight. He’s gone.”
“Please tell me he went to the bakery down the street. I’m starving and would kill for a cinnamon roll,” Meghan said, rubbing her stomach.
Kate gave a half-hearted smile. Meghan’s face exuded radiance, and Kate didn’t think it had anything to do with her friend’s pregnancy.
“If you’re like me, you’re always extra hungry after morning sex, especially in your condition, little mommy,” Kate said. She folded her legs up so Meghan could sit on the couch beside her.
“You’re changing the subject. Edward didn’t go to the bakery, did he?”
Kate studied her knees before looking into Meghan’s eyes. “No. He left town.”
“What? Where did he go?”
“Vegas. He found out about the adoption and needs some space to think things over. Translation, he can’t handle me adopting Lucas and is dumping me.”
“Oh, Kate, I don’t believe that. He’s probably confused and needs some time. Did he end things between you?”
“Not in so many words. But come on, Meg, this is Edward we’re talking about. He’s not exactly Mr. Commitment.”
Meghan absentmindedly rubbed her stomach. “While that may have been true in the past, he’s been completely different since moving to New York, especially in the weeks since you’ve been together.”
“Yeah, well, I guess he got it all out of his system.” Kate stood, walked over to the fireplace, and pressed the button to ignite the gas flame.
“You know that’s not true,” Meghan replied.
Kate grabbed a pillow and dropped back onto the couch, hugging it to her chest. “No, I don’t. I didn’t ask him for anything. I was very clear that I plan on rai
sing Lucas as a single parent. There was never any pressure for him to be worried about me expecting a marriage proposal.”
“Maybe that’s not what he wants.”
“What man doesn’t want no-commitment sex?”
Kate felt a hand on her arm and looked up at her friend.
“A man who wants to be loved and is afraid of being rejected. You do love him, don’t you?”
Kate sighed. “Against my better judgment, yes. I love him.”
Saying it out loud made it all the more real. She brushed away the fresh tears that slid down her cheeks.
Meghan hugged her. “I knew it. Now we just have to think of a way to get him to realize he loves you too.”
Kate pulled away and shook her head. “I’m not going to force him to love me. He either does or he doesn’t.”
“What if he does and he can’t tell you, or is afraid to?”
“Then he’s an idiot and I’m better off without him.” Kate wiped at her eyes and jumped to her feet. “I’m sorry, Meg, but I can’t be optimistic like you. I have more than just myself to consider. There’s Lucas.”
It was one thing to have her heart broken, but she’d be damned if she’d allow Edward to get Lucas to love and trust him, and then take off. The urge to protect her son from more heartbreak than he’d already known overwhelmed her.
“Of course you want what’s best for Lucas. I’ve seen the two of them together and Edward is wonderful with him. For a man who didn’t have a close family life, Edward’s very patient and loving with the boy.”
“He is, but it’s completely different when you’re responsible for a child. Everything you say and do has an influence on the kind of person that child will become.”
“Which must be very scary for a man like Edward, who had such poor role models in his life.”
“I agree. That’s why I can’t…I won’t pressure Edward. It needs to come from him if this is going to work.” Kate stood. “And honestly, Meg, I don’t see that happening.”
“What can I do?” Meghan asked, rising.
“Let me know if you hear of any two-bedroom apartments that are available to rent. While Edward pisses away his life doing God knows what in Vegas, I need to move forward with mine, and that includes finding a bigger place to live.”
Untangle My Heart (Tangled Hearts) Page 22
