Red Claw

by Philip Palmer

  2 The Wiggly-Worm.

  3 The Exploding-Tree.

  4 For “current”, read “inadequate and outdated”.

  5 Of both creatures, but the one of the Exploding-Tree is pretty blurry.

  6 Of the Wiggly-Worm.

  7 The Professor believes these are organs of unknown function, but they sure look like roots to me.

  8 From the Latin for “shield” or “disc”, because of the worm’s body armour, which can withstand a plasma blast for almost six seconds.

  9 Which later stole all the bits of the tree, see footnote 12.

  10 According to my own Kingdom classification system, which, as yet, no one else will deign to use.

  11 See Appendix 1.

  12 All the bits of exploded tree were removed by Rat-Insects (Vilius latitarum), so no examination of the tree was possible, hence it’s impossible to say if it has seeds or not.

  13 We have yet to find a Fragorarbor Type B.

  1 Apart from Hellsmouth, where an alien virus killed every single member of the scientific party; luckily I was off planet at the time. And Barsoom had its hazards too — only six of us walked away from that one. And OK, let’s not even get into what happened on Xanadu. But even so — New Amazon is “one mean mother” of a place.

  2 On Jarrold, where a rebel group held us hostage for over three days until a crack squad of Soldiers burrowed under the biosphere and burst through the floor and killed them all. Oh, and I once worked in a xenolab which was bombed by Alien Rights fanatics, though I wasn’t working there at the time, and the bombing may have been a put-up job by the Corporation’s secret police.

  3 It’s worth remembering that initially the creature split up into four autonomous creatures with teeth, which is what I have elsewhere described as a pantomime horse morphology.

  4 But do I care? I do not! Well actually I do, a bit.

  5 That’s what comes of theorising after 2½ pints of beer.

  6 This link doesn’t yet function; when I’ve written the “anon” bit I’ll add the link, if I remember.

  7 A new Class I have created consisting of all reptile-like creatures with skin made of tree bark, of which this is so far the only example.

  8 A new Order I have just devised, of animal-plants with two hearts.

  1 Hence Pterygota should be considered a highly provisional classification.

  2 They eat the Flesh-Webs (Carnearenum), which are indubitably Animal, but also gnaw tree trunks and other vegetation.

  3 The wings of the sinealesum have all evolved into serrated daggers, though flight may still be possible for them, though I’m blowed if I can see how. The alesum has four symmetrical sets of functional, so far as we know, wings. The coloratum has three and a half (?!?) sets of functional wings, and one set of dagger wings.

  1 Except, of course, for the Hydra, which was roasted.

  2 Fungi were once of course considered a separate Domain, but in the New Kingdom System are now incorporated under Eukaryotes. Although, of course, some biologists still savagely dispute this relatively recent (i.e. 250-year-old) taxonomic decision, including several members of our expedition, who belong to the Fungist Society, and who have threatened to resign if the Domains are so rendered in our official journals of scientific findings. These bitter discussions have, in truth, marred the smooth functioning of our scientific team, and spoiled many otherwise pleasant evenings; though in fact, since there are no Fungi on New Amazon, such arguments, and indeed this footnote, are a total waste of everyone’s time.

  3 Note: there is no New Amazonian version of Archaeobacteria, i.e. the original form of Prokaryotes, which still survive on Earth in many extreme environments. On New Amazon, Prokaryotes come in a variety of forms, but seem to have evolved in a rather similar fashion, and possibly at the same historical epoch, though frankly, at this stage of things, who the hell knows?

  4 Not me though! I love these old taxonomical systems.

  5 These damned microbiologists do like to have things their own way! And come to that, they have a deplorable habit of getting the lion’s share of the equipment budget on all the field trips I’ve ever been on, and usually bag the biggest biodomes too. Although, in fairness, they’re not all annoying wankers.

  6 And stupid!

  7 For “compromise,” read “victory for practitioners of common sense, and defeat for dunderheads.”

  8 In the interests of academic clarity, I should make it clear that I am the only member of the expedition who considers the lava to be a life-form.

  9 This is a neologism which I have coined which carries with it the resonance of “essence and truth and very quiddity of an alien organism.”

  10 Me.

  1 I jest of course! Pray do forgive my academic drollery! Dr Kirkham and I are the closest of colleagues, and I have nothing but admiration for his intellect, his waspish wit, sardonic tone, and unrelenting criticism of others.

  2 The danger comes from rainstorms and hail storms, which have a lethally strong acidic content, so Professor Helms’s strategy is not without its risks.

  3 Devil May Care Baal, that’s what they call me! Well actually they don’t. But, sigh! I rather wish they did.

  4 Tintinnabulumgigantum.

  5 5Rocus rex.

  6 Solus helmsi, the smallest and most beautiful of the 377 species of bright yellow birds we have observed.

  7 Milius variegatus.

  8 I fear this last line is a little pretentious. Hmm? But “which was our destination” seems so horribly flat, does it not? Oh dear.

  1 I do dare! Yet, I must confess, it is not entirely true. Try as I may, I do not make friends easily, or lastingly.

  2 On rereading these lines, I find my tone comes across as callous and over-ebullient, which I regret.

  3 Ignore all prior claims by science fiction novelists and their acolytes. They were not creating a bona fide science; they just gave xenobiology its name and engaged in some random speculations about imaginary aliens, in often lurid and sensational books. Stargazer! Kzinti! Pshaw.

  4 See Prof. Carl Saunders, Xenobiology: the Science of Aliens, Volumes 1–64, Walkley Press.

  1 See Appendix 2.

  2 But cute! Honestly! Click here to see my baby photos.

  3 “Wow,” he replied, in what I took to be tones of stunned approbation.

  4 In the Encyclopedia of Alien Life, Vol. 1, p. 3094.

  5 Coetus furens.

  6 Malus muchus terribulus (stet! Named by a linguistic and scientific ignoramus).

  7 Mine.

  8 Hmm, what about the New Amazonian Pollen Horde, I hear you ask? I’ll have to think on that.

  9 Rhetorical question; the answer is yes!

  10 I’m quoting, of course, from my favourite poem, Patrick Spence’s Alien Dawns.

  1 Aldiss mare.

  2 The team have taken to calling them the Horrible Fucking Corpses, but I prefer the less judgemental Cadaver oceanus.

  3 But utterly disgusting.

  4 For obituaries of the deceased, see previous diary entry and previous diary entry and previous diary entry and previous diary entry and previous diary entry and previous diary entry and previous diary entry and previous diary entry and follow the links.

  1 For a list of such planets, click here — no damnit, I haven’t time to do the links, just Search it, or reference Saunders’s Encyclopedia of Alien Life and type “alien tetrapods”.

  1 The answer is Ben, of course.

  2 Homo motherfucka, in the common lab argot.

  3 Not that I’m the expert on this. My first girlfriend told me I was a sad obsessive who ought to get a life — and she was an avatar prostitute on Third Life!

  4 Harumph! I hear you think.

  5 A sartorial reference, pre-dating the invention of “smart” clothing.

  1 More precisely: tall muscular body, dark Afrocarib skin, lean physique, pert and gorgeous breasts, thick thighs, good posture, long black hair, oval face, grey eyes, a narrow nose, bushy eyebrows, long lashes, a
few wrinkles including laughter lines around both eyes, no lobes on her ears, disproportionately large hands, bitten fingernails, and did I mention the gorgeous breasts and her lovely, laughing, soul-melting smile?

  2 I’m not in fact being perfectly honest here, I’m just trying to be amusingly self-deprecating. Is it working?

  3 If you really want to know Mary Beebe, you need to read her book on Silurian worms, Silurian Worms, An Introduction, which contains some of the most hauntingly evocative writing about subsoil life I have ever read. Also her article, “The Flame Beasts: Alien Beyond Belief”, in Solar Neighbourhood Science, vol. 4,555. She and Dr William Beebe made a formidable team; he is a great loss to science, and to the world. (For an account of his life and work, click here.)

  4 I have no evidence for this, of course, and it’s possible I’m wrong. However, I’ve spent a lot of time studying Mary over these last eventful and traumatic days, and I feel sure that her relationship with William was no ordinary thing. I suppose the correct and precise technical term for it would be: “true love”.

  5 But I absolutely love his amazing reference work, Cells: How they Work and Why They Need Us (Walkley Press), which I have read six times, and is one of the greatest microbiological textbooks ever written.

  6 I thought I would have trouble getting those idiots to listen to sense! But, in fact, nothing of the sort. Once the celebrations were over, David Go was the first to raise his concerns, pointing out that he didn’t trust miracles. Clementine, though she was still in pain, agreed with his impassioned argument that we couldn’t trust Hooperman. Mia chipped in with her own analysis of the dangers facing us, and proposed that we should travel to the Space Elevator and do battle with Hooperman’s DRs. Tonii Newton agreed, and he pointed out that a leopard doesn’t change its spots, which of course isn’t true if you’re talking about the Barsoomian Land Leopard, which can change its spots, fur colour, and body shape at will, but is a fair enough analogy in the circumstances. And then, to my surprise, Mary Beebe spoke fulsomely about how grateful they should all be to me for attempting to save them from the acid rain. I pointed out I almost got them all killed, through my idiotic idea of burying us alive, but she argued that without me they would have all dithered and panicked and been flayed to death by the rain. She persuaded the group that I, Hugo Baal, was a fucking great guy to have by your side in a crisis, which is a comment that astonished me. Clementine kept smiling at me throughout all of this, which I found enchanting. Rather bolstered in my self-confidence by this point, I then showed them my Worst-Case Scenarios for dealing with Hooperman, including plans for using the three spaceships which (I had learned through assiduous searches of the database) were concealed near the Space Elevator, so we could fight Hooperman in space if need be. After hearing this, David Go patted me on the shoulder, and said: “This guy never ceases to amaze me,” at which point I found myself getting rather emotional.

  7 I was also elected President, I think, but that may just have been a joke, so I’m keeping quiet about it for the moment.

  1 She is a qualified Atheist Minister and plans to do a reading from The Book of the Universe, that wonderful atheist text about the joy and beauty of our universe, which of course argues that we should allow a magnificent wonder at the complexity and ultimate rationality of the real world to infuse our souls on a moment-by-moment basis, without dragging God into it.

  2 Henceforth, Gryphon sapiens.