by Ashley Beale
"Ladies." The woman gets our attention. "I'm federal agent Maurice. You can call me Belinda if that makes you feel any more comfortable. You're here with the FBI, because we know what you've been going through. There has been an ongoing investigation, and in large thanks to Mr. Pelletier, we can finally shut this down. It hasn't been easy for anyone, especially all of you, and I cannot give you enough remorse for what you've all been through."
She gives us sad smiles as she finally takes a seat and slides it to where she was just standing. She sits with a straight posture and crosses her arms on the table before she continues to speak. "I have to make an apology that you're not allowed home. Not yet. It is far too dangerous right now, as our men are currently going in and taking the empire down. It can take days, possibly weeks, but I promise you, we're doing all that we can, and we'll make it sooner rather than later."
Mia raises her hand cautiously, and all attention turns on her as Belinda gives her the go to speak. "Um... do we... can we... call home?"
Belinda smiles sweetly. "Of course. We have actually already contacted family members. Each case will be handled differently, and we'll thoroughly discuss your personal business separately with each one of you. All questions and concerns can be answered then. I also understand not all of you have family members, and because of that we'll arrange something personally suited for you."
I hate knowing that Lizzie is one of those people. I peek over at her, and I can tell she is trying desperately to cover up her pain.
"I have three federal agents that are updated entirely on this case, which you will all have a chance to speak with. That is where you'll find out most, if not all, of your answers. Thereafter, we'll have counselors available for each and every one of you at your disposal. Please take this opportunity we're providing. We understand it's going to be tough, especially right now, but the more you open up, the better the healing process. We want nothing but complete happiness for each and every one of you."
A knock sounds at the door and one of the agents walks over as we all look in that direction. A man peeks his head in and looks over at Roman as he speaks softly. "Mr. Pelletier. Please come with me," the man says after a moment. Roman stands and walks towards him, peeking over in the direction of me first.
I don't know what is going on, or where he is going, but for the first time I don't want him to leave me. Somehow I feel like he is my new safe haven. I need him in here. Maybe because he is the one who came in and saved not just me, but all of us. Or maybe it's because he is holding answers I've been so desperately seeking, ones the agents won't know a sliver about. Or maybe it's because I've been denying things far too long, and all of this is opening things up for me.
I shake my head at that last thought. I can't think that. I can't feel that.
Agent Maurice stands with a smile. "Ms. Murray, if you could please come with me."
I look over and I realize I don't know the last names to the people I've become friends with... or roommates with. And to my shocked surprise, it's Lizzie who slides back her chair. "Don't call me that," she snaps. "I'm Lizzie." A small smile cracks on my face as she uses the name I gave her. The name that gives her a reminder that someone, somewhere cares. In this case, it was me who cared enough to give her a name. To give her attention, even when she pushed me away.
The agent nods her head. "Okay, Lizzie it is. I'll mark that in my paperwork. Do you have a last name by chance that you'd like to be called?"
Lizzie shakes her head and sticks to her ground, just as she has since I first met her. "Just Lizzie. It's all I need to be called."
Belinda places her hand on Lizzie's shoulder and walks her through the door. She returns a few minutes later and looks over at the table. "Ms. Kingston," she calls Clarissa next. When she returns the third time, it's me whom she calls. I give Mia and Opal each sad smiles before walking out the door. I hate the feeling that I'm saying goodbye somehow to everyone. They've all become something in my life, even if we were brought together in the worst of ways.
When I walk into the room with the new FBI agent, we're not alone. Roman sits in an oversized chair and smiles sweetly at me. I look down as I take my seat, not sure how to exactly react right now. The lady smiles at me when I give her my attention. "Hello Liv. I'm agent Farrington, or Evelyn if you'd rather. How are you feeling right now?"
I answer honestly. "Confused. Scared. Desperate."
She tilts her head, obviously taken aback by my last answer. "Desperate. For what?"
I turn towards Roman instead of her and give him my full attention. "For the right answers. The final truth. For this to finally be over. For some kind of... I don't know... understanding."
He hadn’t expected that, I can tell by the way he runs his hand over his forehead. "My father, if you can call him that, and his... well... business partner started this all. It started out small, and they didn't keep the girls, they basically ran some kind of... rape club." He shakes his head in disgust. "I saw things I shouldn't have seen at my age- or ever. I was told this was the right way of making a living, and that this was the only thing my future had for me. Telling my mom only got her killed. I was scared."
My heart hurts for Roman. It explains so much more of what he was trying to tell me previously.
"I killed his partner, then he died, and by then it was pretty much running the way it is now. He had hired on Javier, who always hated me for having the main say in the company. He made sure it ran smoothly, and eventually he got Blaise to become a small side partner because of his uncle. He had his ties, and he had too much say, and because of that, when I decided to bring everything to an end, it made it more difficult. I couldn't just shut it down, I had to help start an investigation with the FBI, and other agencies."
A question that he's answered before comes to the front of my mind. I want to hear him say it again, hearing all the truth- or what I believe is the truth- coming out. "Have you... have you ever been a part of what they do? I mean, raping the girls and all that?"
Roman shakes his head before I even have the question out. His body leans forward and with everything he has, he answers my question the way I hoped for- honestly. "Never. Not once. I may not have stopped it when it happened in front of me, I may have been a fucking asshole to some of those women, and I've certainly done things I'll regret for the rest of my Goddamn life. I have been far from perfect, Liv, but one thing I can promise you… one thing I can fucking guarantee more than anything in this world… is that not once did I have sex with anyone not willing."
I nod my head in response. The feeling in my throat clogging my airway, and I'm unable to actually speak. Emotion once again has caught me, making things impossible. Roman stands up after a minute and walks over to me. He lays one hand on each arm rest and leans down, inches from my face. My breathing hitches as he catches me off guard.
"Liv." His voice deep. Demanding. The Roman I worked for. The Roman who gave me chills unlike any other. "I'm a fucking horrible person. I'm not worthy of much, no matter how hard I try. No matter what happens. And I don't expect you to believe me, or trust me, or ever have any kind of understanding. I've told you the truth. That's all I've wanted to do, since Taryn was taken from you, that's all I've wanted for you. I'm sorry. I'm truly fucking sorry."
Surprising even myself, I bring my hand up and touch it to Roman's cheek. A tear drops from his eye, the only one I've ever seen him shed. I wipe it away with my thumb and run my hand to the back of his neck. I don't pull him closer to me, because although my mind tells me he deserves some kind of affection, I have a heart that is warning me that this isn't the time. I listen to my heart, because my head has been far too wrong, far too many times.
"I forgive you," I whisper instead. "I'm still not clear on everything, and I know I won't be any time soon, but you've done what I've needed. You've opened up. You've allowed me to understand you, and all of this. So thank you, Roman."
His lips shake as he speaks again. His sincerity with everything is n
othing short of breathtaking. It shocks me like no other, but I continue to remind myself over and over that even through everything, there is still a monster inside of him. One I'm not sure I can look past. Not yet.
Roman tries hard to crack a smile but he fails. "There is beauty in all things disturbed. Sometimes you just have to wait out the storm."
I nod my head in agreement. It's true. Too true. Except, this storm is far from over. "Then let's get through this storm Roman, because right now, we're only in the eye of it."
He nods in agreement. He already knew.
With a clearing of his throat, he stands back straight, giving me my space back. I can breathe much easier this way.
When someone knocks on the door, Roman looks me directly in the eyes. "I have to go, Liv. I'll... I'll see you."
"What?" I stand as he turns. "What do you mean, where are you going?" I can tell he doesn't mean he'll see me shortly. I can sense the long goodbye in his words.
The man who originally got him from the last room is standing there with handcuffs. Roman turns to allow the man to cuff him. "Where are you going?" I panic. I don't understand the anxiety it gives me to see him being taken from me. I've hated him so much for so long, and now, now I can't have him taken away.
"I did a lot of illegal stuff, Liv. I have to be punished for it. I deserve to be. They'll inform you on everything."
"No." I shake my head. "No. Just... no. You can't go."
Roman presses his mouth together. He looks ready to cry, and I don't need that. I can't have that. He has to be strong, because I'm done trying to be. I can't be.
"Liv," he warns as I step closer. "It'll be okay."
"Roman," I yell his name. "I don't want you to leave." I can't explain the emotion coursing through me. I'm terrified of him being gone. The man I was once frightened to be around, I'm now scared to lose.
The agent holding him in cuffs gives me a sympathetic look, like he knows the fucked up feelings in me.
"It's not forever," Roman says as he backs out of the room. "I promise."
And for the first time, I believe one of his promises. It doesn't make anything easier though.
Some dreams are meant to stay just that... dreams. A place where everything we want is ideal... perfect... wrapped nicely in a bow. When a dream becomes reality, all the flaws intercept our painted picture of perfection. We lose hope. We don't appreciate what we worked so hard for. It becomes another thing that'll eventually be forgotten about. Then we start all over again, dreaming for something more. Something better. Just for the vicious cycle to start all over again.
I've dreamt of answers. I've dreamt of saving Clarissa. Of freeing us all. Of so much that I can't even remember. When I was young, I dreamt of the right kind of love. Of happily ever after’s. Whichever God it is I pray to, he has a morbid way of giving me what I ask for. What I dream for. He twists and turns things, he distorts my pictures, and throws me down when I'm just getting to where I want.
Life has been nothing close to easy. I have discovered things that people don't even know exist. I've learned about things that people don't realize could be happening right next door. I've learned it's easy to turn your head and avoid the unpredictable. The horrifying reality of what could happen in our world. But no matter how many times you pretend something isn't true, it could still wrap itself snuggly around you, suffocating you while pulling you into its disturbing world.
It's been three weeks since we've been freed from that prison. Three weeks since I spoke to my dad and listened to him cry the way he did when my mother died. Three weeks since Roman was handcuffed and taken from me, not to have been heard from again. Three weeks since Clarissa slapped me across the face before breaking down, admitting to her failed attempt of suicide- explaining her bruises and missing hair. Three weeks since we were all put into a home just for us, guarded by men and women, protecting us from the outside, while we remain trapped inside our heads.
Nothing has been simple in these three weeks. More emotion has coursed through each and every one of us than can even be explained. More unyielding facts have been spilled, and more girls have been saved which have now joined us.
I found out Javier was hospitalized from what Roman had done to him, and is now in custody, awaiting a trial. I also found out he had murdered both Fernando and the motel manager, explaining why no one was there to stop him that day. No one except Roman.
Blaise is missing now, and the police have put him on the most wanted list.
Things have been a whirlwind, but no matter what has happened, people got saved. They got saved from the constant torment, and the rape, and cruel behavior. One thing they didn't get saved from are the monsters inside their heads. They eat at us, all of us, making each night a nightmare, and each day the longest one yet. It's like coming off from a drug I hear. We're being detoxed. More them than me, as they were all there longer and went through so much more.
Clarissa walks into my room and sits on my bed. Her hair cut into a bob, and it looks great, even with the missing chunk still growing in. "I'm not ready," she admits.
Ever since we talked three weeks ago, things have slowly been getting better between us. There is this awkwardness that consumes us when we're together, but we both try to ignore it and move on. It's all we can do, because it's too difficult to get through everything alone. We need each other.
I place my sweatshirt on the bed instead of in my suitcase, and nod my head in agreement before sitting next to Clarissa. I reach over and hug her. I haven't touched her much since being here, but right now I feel the need to hold on.
"It's going to be weird," I admit.
We're heading back home in just a couple hours. My dad and her parents are going to meet us at the airport. The FBI set up the tickets for everyone, just like they purchased a new wardrobe for all of us. Although talking with the feds and counselors, and going through everything has been nothing short of hard, they've helped bring us comfort. They've given us that small sliver of hope for a better... something.
"I'm scared my parents won't look at me the same."
My thoughts mirror hers. "I know. I have that same fear."
Mia walks in and pauses at the site of us on the bed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt."
"You're fine," Clarissa answers for the both of us. "Come on in."
She walks over and lays on the bed behind me. "Lizzie left already. They had to send her to an all-women’s home. She'll get counseling and go through a job corps training program right here in DC. I bet she'll work for the president one day.”
I love that Mia hasn't lost all her hopes and dreams.
"Probably," I answer her. I peek behind me, watching her stare at the ceiling in a blank stare. "Are you packed?"
She nods her head, putting too much attention to the ceiling.
"Aren't you excited to go home?"
Mia looks over at me and shakes her head no. "I mean, yes. I mean." She sighs, and before she says anything I know the exact conflict she is going through. "I am. I'm happy to see my mom, and my friends. I just... I'm scared. They're going to ask questions. They're going to know I'm... different. They're going to see me in a different light. I don't want that. I want... I want normal again. Whatever that is."
I reach over to touch my hand to her arm. "I know, sweetie. You have my house number. Call me anytime. Seriously. Don't feel like you can't. I want you to know I'll always be there for you."
"I know you are. I'm going to miss you."
"And I you."
Clarissa stands from the bed and starts to pace. "You know what I think?" She says to us, her voice suddenly loud.
We both look to her but don't say anything. Not that she actually expected us to.
"I think we shouldn't go home. Not yet anyways. I think we need to be free. All of us. Why would we want to go back home, just to be imprisoned all over again? I don't. Of course I love my parents," she rambles on. "I want to see them, and hold them, and let them know I'm... well, saf
e, or whatever. But then they're going to suffocate me, as your parents will you two. Let's do something. Go somewhere. See the world. Do something crazy. If we've learned anything, it's that life is too short."
She looks over to us with that mad look in her eyes, making complete sense. I get it. I know what she means, what she is thinking. I can't do that to my dad though. And money. Where would we get the money to do that? I just. I can't argue with her, but I can't agree. A limbo, once again.
Mia sits up fast. "I'm in. Please? Let's do it."
They both look to me. I'm stuck, confused, shredding apart. "Um. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but... where are we going to get the money to you know… sleep places, and eat, and travel. We just can't up and go without a dime to our names." I give sad faces, letting them know it's just as disappointing to me as them, but neither of them look discouraged. Not even in the least.
Something is up.
Clarissa walks over to the doorway and peeks out before closing the door. She looks over at us with a grin so wide, I know she has some kind of twisted plot going on. "I do. I have the money. Well, I can get it. Let's do this. Please?"
I bite on the dead skin next to my nail, trying to think of something to say. Do I agree? Do I do the right thing and go home? I need to give my dad a hug. I need to assure the both of us that I'm at least safe. But what Clarissa is saying is the most sense anyone has made in so long.
"Can I... can I at least see my dad first?"
"Actually, yes. That is part of my plan. I have to see my parent's too." She looks to Mia. "And you're in? Are you going to see your mom first?"
She holds her knees to her chest and thinks for a second. I can see the conflict running through her just as it did me. "I'm scared if I see her I won't come with you."
"It's your choice," Clarissa encourages her sweetly. "Whatever you want to do, just let us know, and we'll help you."
