The Proteus Paradox

by Nick Yee

  I wasn’t looking for this to happen, it just did. [City of Villains, female, 25]

  Because there were no expectations of love, players getting to know each other were not burdened with the pressures and awkwardness of first dates. More often than not, players had grouped together and chatted with each other a great deal before love became part of the equation. To suggest that online relationships are inherently superficial is to ignore the far more obvious lie that people are exactly themselves on first dates.

  I believe that the online environment made it much easier. There was nothing in the way of awkward social pressure that is the “first date.” It started out with two people of the opposite sex talking and having fun with absolutely no expectations of romance or sex. [EverQuest, male, 25]

  We were able to be more honest with each other without worrying about looks or sex and all of the pressure and distractions that go along with that. [World of Warcraft, female, 22]

  Falling in love in an online game is more similar to an office romance than finding someone in an online dating site. The love grows out of working with and getting to know another person. It is these opportunities of working together with someone that online games excel at. As many players pointed out, working together with someone through a difficult situation is revealing. Seeing how someone reacts to unfair criticisms, unplanned mishaps, and their own mistakes can reveal a lot. Sitting together in silence in a movie theater tells you much less in comparison.

  We’d tackled life-threatening crises together before we ever went on our first date. [World of Warcraft, female, 32]

  EQ was a great way to see how a potential partner treated others. [World of Warcraft, female, 22]

  It bears emphasizing that most of these players got to learn about each other before romantic feelings were sparked. In short, they spent time getting to know each other without the intent of trying to date or get in bed with each other. The typical geographical separation further inhibits romantic intentions because these players often assume that they’re talking to someone they will never meet face-to-face.

  I believe you get to learn more about a person’s feelings when you meet them online, because it is easier to talk to someone whom you originally think you won’t meet IRL, and thus won’t be embarrassed to tell them secrets about you. [Ragnarok Online, male, 23]

  I think the Internet makes it easier to be more open with people about your likes, dislikes, feelings, etc., because, most of the time, you know you’re never going to meet them and so can be freer with information. [World of Warcraft, female, 36]

  The fact that love is sidelined in online games seems one reason why relationships can work so well. People can get to know each other first without love getting in the way.

  Although anonymity can make it easier to lie online, in gaming the lack of romantic pressures and the belief that you’re talking to someone you’ll never meet can have the opposite effect.

  In my case, because we were talking in chat, almost anonymously in a sense, I think it made it easier for us to get to know each other, because we could say things that might have been hard for slightly “stiff-upperlip” type people like us to express in real life. [World of Warcraft, male, 28]

  Many studies have repeatedly shown that people may actually become more open and forthcoming when interacting over a computer. When clinical psychologists began using computers for initial patient interviews, they found that “highly personal, and therefore potentially embarrassing, information is sometimes more easily revealed to a computer.” In a study of online newsgroup users, respondents strongly agreed with the statement that they could “confide in this person about almost anything” and strongly disagreed that they “would never tell this person anything intimate or personal about myself.” In my own survey of online gamers, I found that 24 percent of players had told personal issues or secrets to their online friends that they had never told their offline friends. In an online chat, when one person shares something intimate about him- or herself, the other person often reciprocates. This feedback loop, paired with the tendency to idealize chat partners online, creates what computermediated communication expert Joe Walther has called “hyperpersonal interactions”—interactions that feel much more intimate than typical face-to-face exchanges. Thus, trust and intimacy can evolve more quickly online than face-to-face.6

  These points underscore an important aspect of the Joan story I described at the start of this chapter. In a forest of liars, no one needs to call out the liar. The reason why Joan’s deception caused such an outrage was precisely because all her friends thought they were having honest and intimate conversations with one another. If most people were liars on CompuServe, the community couldn’t have existed. By the same token, if most people were liars on CompuServe, there would have been no outrage over Joan. If anything, the shared outrage highlights what is seldom pointed out in Joan’s story—that her friends were outraged because they themselves were sharing honest and intimate stories. Although this story is often used as a parable of deception online, I would argue that it is a parable of honesty online. For Joan’s story to work and make sense, the unspoken assumption is that the majority of people online are telling the truth.

  Of course, nothing prevents people from outright lying online. Whenever gamers in my survey mentioned deception, their sense of vigilance was apparent. Given the pervasive notion that online relationships are impossible, it’s easy to understand why many people think that gamers who get involved in an online relationship are naive and impulsive people who are putting themselves at great risk. But it is actually these very people who readily acknowledge the risk and are typically hypervigilant about it. In many of their stories, players made it clear that honesty was important to them and brought the issue up explicitly in their interactions.

  The main reason that our on-line relationship worked out so well is that we were completely honest with each other from the get-go. Whenever people ask me if I was worried that he wouldn’t be who he said he was on-line, I reply, “He told me he was 30, an accountant, and was losing his hair. I was pretty sure he wasn’t lying!” [World of Warcraft, female, 30]

  As we were really interested in each other and the lives we’d led and so on, and both truthful to the point of painfulness, rather than trying to paint prettier pictures of ourselves, I think we communicated very well. [World of Warcraft, male, 28]

  It’s harder and can be dangerous if people aren’t honest. Both he and I weren’t “on the make” and weren’t trying to impress anyone or each other, so we were completely ourselves, honest about our likes and dislikes and opinions. [EverQuest II, female, 47]

  The communication cascade is a part of this vigilance. By trading photos and using webcams, players are making sure that the person is who he or she says they are.

  I didn’t really have much of a surprise when I met him for the first time, I’d seen him in photos, through a webcam, and heard him on the phone for around 6 months straight prior to meeting him. [EverQuest, female, 34]

  This same vigilance has been observed by others. In a study of 202 users of a newsgroup focused on online dating, one major theme that emerged was high levels of caution, even among people who have had successful relationships. For example, one respondent wrote, “While the majority of people online are genuine, you have to protect yourself from those who are not.” This pairing of explicit vigilance with personal anxiety was also a prominent feature of the narratives I collected.7

  Before I met him, I did worry a lot about if all that he told me was true. When I met him, there were no surprises, he and his family were exactly who they said they were. [FlyFF, female, 21]

  Making the Impossible Possible

  Now that we’ve seen how these online relationships typically unfold and some of their unique features, let’s finally turn to why 60 percent of the gamers in the survey didn’t think their relationships would have worked out had they first met their partner offline. Two specific reasons were mentioned
repeatedly.

  As I read through their stories, it surprised me how often the gamers, without any prompting from the questions, described either themselves or their partners as being shy.

  My now-husband was very shy, but obviously a very sweet guy. [World of Warcraft, female, 30]

  I find myself to be a very shy and introverted person in real life. . . . Due to my social personality, most women had overlooked me as shy, not confident or any of my other redeeming qualities. [World of Warcraft, male, 25]

  About 25 percent of participants mentioned shyness somewhere in their story. And a good handful of them pointed at shyness (in themselves or their partners) as the specific reason why the relationship wouldn’t have happened in a face-to-face situation.

  Since we are both shy, we probably would not have talked in real life. . . . Then again, I’ve always liked the cute shy ones, so who knows.;) [EverQuest II, female, 20]

  He is shy and very reserved and I do think he would let the opportunity pass him by. It is sad to admit that, but it is the truth. [World of Warcraft, female, 29]

  If I had met her in RL first neither of us would’ve stepped up to make the first move due to our shyness. [FlyFF, male, 38]

  We are both shy and introverted people, so if we had met each other in real life first, we probably wouldn’t have been brave enough to reveal ourselves as honestly as we did online. [FlyFF, female, 21]

  Chatting with someone online is very different from chatting with someone face-to-face. Of course, it’s very easy to point out all the things that are missing. You can’t see the other person’s facial expressions. You’re missing out on the tone of his or her voice. All you have is the text. But less isn’t necessarily worse. Studies have shown that people who are shy are more likely to develop close friendships and fall in love online. And the player narratives here push this one step further. The online environment didn’t only make it easier for these players to get to know someone. The online game allowed players to develop a genuine relationship with someone whom they felt would have been impossible to date in the physical world. Even if these players met face-to-face in the physical world, the relationship probably wouldn’t have happened. In the case of these players, less is actually more.8

  Players often mentioned another reason why these relationships wouldn’t have happened face-to-face. When we see the elves and gnomes in an online game, it’s easy to portray online relationships as deceptive. How can you have a relationship with something that doesn’t exist in the real world? But we forget that people are superficial in the physical world, too, just in different ways. In fact, this was the very reason why many of the gamers didn’t think that the relationship would have started had they met first face-to-face. They would have immediately written the other person off because of a physical trait. The other person was too young, too tall, too thin, too blue-collar, or simply not their physical “type.”

  I probably would not have developed this relationship in RL. She isn’t my typical love interest but because I got to know her emotionally first, I was able to find someone that was a perfect fit. [EverQuest II, male, 32]

  Ironically, we would not have had a relationship if we had first met at a party or something. Neither of us was the other’s “type,” and our age difference would have been obvious and a barrier to both of us. [World of Warcraft, female, 59]

  I would never have dated this person in real life. Totally different worlds. I am a grad student and he works in the service industry. Our paths would not have crossed. We lived in different countries. This is the relationship:) On the outside we seem totally opposite. But we work so well on the inside. I guess that is what comes of meeting inside out :p . [World of Warcraft, female, 25]

  I doubt we would have had a relationship if we had met in real life. At first glance, I’d say he definitely wasn’t my type. Too nice, too accommodating, without a sense of adventure. I would have pigeonholed him without ever giving him a chance. [World of Warcraft, female, 25]

  Again, most people can easily think of the ways in which online communication is “less” than talking face-to-face, but as we’ve seen over and over again, less can be more. When you can’t see what someone looks like, you can’t judge him or her simply based on looks. By taking looks out of the equation, these players were forced to actually learn about the other person instead of making a snap judgment. The online game forced players to focus on who a person is rather than what he or she looks like.

  The World of Warcraft player’s phrase “inside out” is particularly apt. In face-to-face relationships, we first see how people look and dress, and we learn their names. And then slowly over time, we learn about their passions, fears, and personal hang-ups. In an online game, it tends to work the other way around. How a person treats others or reacts in a crisis piques our interest. Then, after getting to know that person, we may learn about where he or she lives, does for a living, and is called. And only after many interactions do we trade photos and finally get to learn what the other person looks like.

  With gaming together, you can screen people’s quirks, their political views, temperament, religious beliefs, without the clouding of RL sex and lust complicating it. You can become friends FIRST. Then when you meet in real life AFTER developing the relationship, it’s just, wow. [EverQuest II, female, 47]

  The game WAS the reason we fell in love. Going through all the adventures and quests together really built our relationship. We found out how the other person is when they are mad, tired, sad, happy, excited, annoyed (etc.). We got to know each other without the physical aspect of the relationship and I believe that made our emotional connection sooooo much stronger. [City of Villains, female, 25]

  Relationships online certainly develop differently than relationships offline, but different doesn’t automatically mean worse. Virtual worlds can negate some of the superficial aspects of face-to-face relationships.

  A Modern-Day Fairy Tale

  On a sunny Sunday in 1998, Clark Rockefeller carried his seven-year-old daughter on his shoulders down the streets of Boston. He was forty-seven, claiming descent from the Percy Rockefeller branch of the clan, and recently divorced from his ex-wife, a senior partner at the global management-consulting firm McKinsey and Company. His wife won custody of their daughter, and this was one of the three restricted visits each year he was permitted with his daughter. To add insult to injury, these visits were under the supervision of a social worker.

  As they approached his limousine, Clark pushed the social worker away and sped away with his daughter. This kidnapping would unravel the secrets of Clark’s life. “Clark Rockefeller” was one of three aliases the man had created over thirty years. Before he was Clark Rockefeller, he was Clark Crowe, a movie producer living in Connecticut. Before that, he was Christopher Chichester, a descendant of British royalty living in San Marino. This man, actually a German immigrant named Christopher Gerharts Reiter, arrived in the United States in 1978. Even though he didn’t finish college and had limited savings, he managed to climb the social ladder through deception. He was hired as the head of the US offices of Nikko Securities on Wall Street in 1987 even though he had absolutely no experience in securities. He became a member of many private gentleman’s clubs on Wall Street. And he married a woman who had an MBA from Harvard. To say he fooled a lot of people would be an understatement.9

  You don’t need virtual worlds to weave elaborate personas. Our obsession with pointing out dishonesty online ignores the deception and superficiality that occur offline. And one first fundamental truth of virtual worlds is simply that the people you meet online live in the physical world.

  In fairy tales like “Snow White” or “Cinderella,” the all-good fairy godmothers and the all-evil stepmothers aren’t merely one-dimensional caricatures of human intentions. This storytelling device serves a powerful function for children. Child psychologist Bruno Bettelheim argues that these characters create a coping mechanism for children to deal with their own mothers when they
get angry or become scary. Because children have a hard time making sense of how someone so loving can suddenly become so scary, this splitting mechanism allows them to keep the kind-mother separate from the scary-mother.10

  We have been telling ourselves a modern-day fairy tale about truth and falsehood simplistically partitioned into two worlds. Too often, media stories about the Internet revolve around the myth that truth and honesty reside in the physical world while fantasy and deception reside in the online world. This is the unspoken logic underlying the sensationalist stories of people finding love online—the drama comes from the tacit question of how people can find true love in a world of falsehoods. By splitting realities, we ignore the fact that honesty and deception are very much a part of both the physical and virtual worlds. As we’ve seen, people can be quite superficial in the real world. We often assume that fantasy avatars hide the truth, but fantasy avatars can actually reveal the truth. For some people, fantasy worlds allow them to form genuine relationships that couldn’t have started in the physical world.

  These findings about how people fall in love in online games also reveal an important aspect about relationships in general. Online dating websites often tout their scientific matchmaking methods, many of which rely on long surveys of personality traits and attitudes. The underlying premise is that a lasting relationship can be predicted with an extensive checklist of either similar or complementary traits. This claim taps into a fairy-tale fantasy: there is a perfect prince or princess out there waiting for you if you search hard enough. Unfortunately, there is no empirical evidence to back up these matchmaking methods. A recent review of the psychological literature has shown that similarities between a couple’s personalities account for roughly 0.5 percent of their relationship satisfaction. There is even less evidence that complementarity leads to happy relationships. It turns out that relationships are more than just checklists. Rather than being tools for sophisticated matchmaking, online dating sites may work simply because they provide a roster of single people in your area who are receptive to dating.