No Holding Back

by Dresden, Amanda

  “Claustrophobic?” Chris finished.

  “Yeah! Yeah, that’s it! That’s why you’ll never see his ass in a crowd,” Joe explained. “He’s afraid of heights, too.”

  “Wade is afraid of heights?” Chris repeated to herself, but Joe heard her.

  “Oh yeah. Pisses me off that I have to ride coasters alone, man. He’s scared shitless and Os is a fat ass so he’s not allowed on most rides.”

  Chris stifled a laugh and pictured the odd trio as best she could in a place like Disneyland.

  “Hey, I gotta question!”

  “Yeah?”

  “Don’t you like…hate your tits? Aren’t they always in the way ‘n shit when you’re playin’ drums?” he asked innocently. But Chris felt her face burn with embarrassment.

  “Oh my god!” she said disgustedly and promptly smacked him upside the head.

  “OUUUCH!” he howled.

  The recent commotion caught Wade’s attention and it earned them both a death stare. They quieted down and Chris buried her head into her arms on the table.

  But Chris wasn’t upset at Joe - on the contrary. They became best friends in a matter of days just after she joined Heretic. They’d argue over the best bands and songs of all time and they even played the XBox until the early hours, stopping only when Wade would say, “Alright kids. Time to get some sleep.”

  What bothered Chris the most was Os’ attitude toward her. Ever since that run-in with the whole tampon incident ages ago, Os never looked at Chris and even went so far as to pretend she wasn’t there. They’d been playing together for months, and Os barely said an entire sentence to her in that time frame. Joe told her not to worry about it while Wade’s answer wasn’t far off with, “Just ignore him.”

  She went out of her way to be nice, kept things picked up after herself and certainly didn’t leave any more feminine products within reach, especially after Os’ tantrum. It took Chris weeks to get over that one. Even though Os never really saw her completely naked, it was more drama than what Chris wanted. All she cared about, all she ever dreamed of, was just to play her drums. The fact that it came with fame and popularity was just an added bonus for her.

  But right now, all Chris could think about was their next show in Florida. She’d never been to Florida before. She smiled when she thought of palm trees, beaches, and even crocodiles. Maybe one of them might eat Os for her.

  Chapter 10

  As the enormous band bus passed the state line into Florida, Chris knew they were going to Orlando, but she didn’t remember what town they were passing through at the moment. She knew it had the word ‘lakes’ in it somewhere, but they had another day to get there. Chris also entertained a fleeting thought of being able to visit the attractions, but wondered if Wade would even let her be seen in public - as a girl or otherwise. Looking back on it, she still couldn’t believe she’d been playing with Heretic for almost a year.

  Chris stretched her arms several times while taking in the scenery. She could tell the weather was warm outside, but the temperature inside the bus was always freezing cold.

  Numerous times, Chris looked outside when she heard cars honk at them - fans of Heretic following them wherever they went. She even saw dozens of girls flash them through their tinted windows and today was no different.

  “Man,” Joe drooled, staring at a topless girl who waved from her vehicle. “What I wouldn’t give to bury my face in those tits right now. Hey Wade - you gotta come look at this, man!”

  Chris rolled her eyes and snorted in disgust.

  “Yeah, that’s great, man. Awesome,” he responded but it was clear that he was lost in his laptop.

  Chris’ head snapped in Wade’s direction. “You mean to tell me you’re gonna turn down the opportunity to watch girls sacrifice their self-respect? You sure you’re a guy?”

  Smiling out of the corner of his mouth, Wade’s attention remained locked on his screen, “After a while they all start to look the same.”

  “You kidding me? Hell, even I wish I had a pair of those," she mumbled.

  Joe laughed hysterically at Chris’ comment while Wade remained stoic and even serious. “Be glad you don’t. I got my work cut out for me hiding you as it is.”

  Chris laughed through her nose and looked back outside again as the topless girl in her vehicle hid her endowments and retreated back into the passenger seat. Soon, the vehicle started to pass the bus.

  With his tongue hanging from his mouth, Joe pressed his face and hands up against the window while his mouth left an obvious saliva trail across the glass. But despite the fact that the vehicle was well out of earshot, he yelled out loud regardless.

  “Oh no-no-no-no-no-no!! Wait - come back! ARRGGHH!”

  “What the hell’er you so upset for? You see dozens of ‘em at every show,” Wade remarked.

  Joe looked at Wade and composed himself as if ready to read a poem. “I never pass up the opportunity to appreciate the opposite sex my man. You shouldn’t either.”

  “Never do,” Wade said as he continued pounding away at the keys on his laptop. “I’m e-mailing mom,” he stated to Joe with a smirk.

  “Awe. Well, aren’t you a fuckin’ golden boy?”

  “Yo, man!” Os stopped his infatuation with his guitar and tapped Wade’s shoe. “Tell mom I miss her cooking!”

  Suddenly, Joe leaned across the table and whispered fiercely to Chris.

  “Couldda fooled me!”

  Chris did her best to stifle a chuckle and buried her head in her arms. Os appeared not to have heard, but Wade did, and shot a look of disapproval at Joe.

  “Speaking of which,” Wade continued while ignoring Joe’s sarcasm. “You need to give your mom a call, too.”

  “Awww, man…”

  “You know what’ll happen if they don’t hear from you every once in a while. Last thing I need is your mom crying to me on my cell phone again wondering if I’m ‘taking care of her little boy’!”

  “Fine, fine…”

  Joe grumbled and brought out his cell phone from his front pocket and tapped its screen with rapid accuracy. In no time at all, Joe broke into a ‘sweet boy’ routine telling his mother over and over that he loved her and missed her and his three sisters. Chris rolled her head back and laughed out loud when she discovered that Joe was a momma’s boy.

  Chris brought out her own cell phone from her pocket - the one Wade gave to her. She entertained the idea of calling her father, but each attempt was thwarted by the mere thought of his infamous temper that would meet her on the other end. She knew he wouldn’t understand that she was having the time of her life, that she was living her dream.

  She scrolled through her list of phone numbers and its only contact - Wade. Chris frowned and decided that she really didn’t have any family, at least none that would care what she was doing, where she’d been, or the things she’d seen. No, she decided. Her father was definitely the last person she would call, if at all.

  Wade couldn’t help but notice as Chris stared at her phone. For the longest time, she sat hesitating as she tapped at the screen and entered in a number, then she’d delete it, fiddle with a few apps and then close it, changing her mind altogether about what she wanted to do. He remembered the only family she ever spoke of - the military father.

  He looked away just in time as Chris looked in his direction. She didn’t want him to realize she didn’t have anyone. But had he known, he would have done everything he could to convince her otherwise. With the exception of Os’ stubbornness, Heretic was her family.

  Chapter 11

  It was 7:45 pm. Almost show time. Wade was making a few final adjustments to his clothing while Chris was in her room getting ready. Os and Joe were already long gone.

  “Yo - Chris! You ready?” Wade shouted from the bathroom.

  No answer.

  He stuck his head down the hallway and from there, he could clearly make out the light from behind her partition.

  “Hey, Chris! You there? We got
ta leave soon-.”

  “Just a minute!” she answered back.

  Wade approached her room and noticed that the partition wasn’t completely shut. Without meaning to, he stopped right in front of the opening just in time to see Chris slide her pants over a lacey black thong. Chris’ smooth midsection and the way her skin weaved down to her well-groomed bikini line was enough to make even the famous Wade Griffin blush.

  “Shhhhit!” Wade hissed at himself and threw his back up against the wall just as Chris emerged from her room.

  His heart exploded as if someone had scared the shit out of him. He struggled to get a hold of himself, but after what he saw, there was no time to go to the gym.

  “Okay! I’m ready. How do I look? Did I get all my hair in?” But then she stopped and noticed Wade’s odd behavior. To Chris, he appeared to be shaking. “Wade? What’s wrong? Are you alright?”

  Wade buried his head in his hands and squeezed his eyes shut as if someone had sprayed him with a full can of mac.

  “Ugh…yeah! S-Sorry! I think it’s just a headache,” Wade responded, trying to conceal the fact that he practically saw her half-nude.

  “Well you better shake it off.”

  “Y-Yeah! No kidding!”

  He was trying to shake it off all right. The image of her thong detailing the curve of the round flesh of her butt burned itself in his mind.

  Wade pulled himself together as best he could and helped Chris make sure all of the dark strands of her hair were tucked in but left enough over her eyes, but he shied away from touching her as much as possible. He tried to focus on the show that night, his music, something that would rescue him from the growing knot that was escalating in his groin. Despite his attempts to tame the animal inside him, flashes of her body assaulted him - provoking him into arousal. Never before did he fight so hard to regain control and by his own rules, groupies weren’t allowed as an outlet any longer.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked again.

  “Yeah, yeah! I’m fine. You ready?”

  “Don’t you ever get tired of asking me that?”

  “You go on ahead. I’m right behind you - just stay with security!”

  “What?” Chris asked.

  Not once did Wade entrust the protection of Heretic’s secret to anyone but himself, but this time, he had little choice.

  “I-I just gotta take a piss! I’m right behind you, I promise.”

  Chris shrugged her shoulders and didn’t think any more on it. After all, a part of her wanted to show him that she didn’t need his protection around the clock. She was capable of taking care of herself and would make sure she spot all of the exit signs in case they got separated – just like Wade taught her to.

  “Alright. Whatever.”

  As Pete opened the door for her, she walked off.

  Finally, he spat.

  Unable to contain it anymore, Wade made a direct path to the bathroom and locked himself in. He felt undeniably foolish at what he was about to do, but knew it had to be done.

  Wade stared into the mirror and at the animal that stared back at him.

  “Fuck me,” he growled while rolling his eyes at his duplicate in the mirror.

  And then, he unzipped his pants and took out his half-hardened member that nearly tented from his boxers. He couldn’t remember the last time he did this, always relying on the groupies to do it for him, but he needed his concentration back - desperately. His cock threatened to push him over the proverbial cliff of madness, but he wouldn’t allow it. If anything, he’d make the jump himself. Finally, he closed his eyes and went over the cliff.

  His cock was stiff already - a hardened trunk, and he took the full length of it into his hands and started to pump himself. Immediately, the sensation of it all hit him like a ton of bricks. The calluses on his hands added to his arousal as brushed over the sensitive flesh. He went up and down his shaft and already he saw the familiar clear liquid run over the top.

  “Jesus!”

  Wade pursed his lips together, but he knew full well no one could hear him - not even Pete. He used his free hand to steady himself on the other side of the vanity mirror and a few times, hit the wall with his balled fist as he battled with his inner lust and for ages it seemed, he continued to beat the animal back into submission. He soon worked himself into a frenzy wanting only to get it over with, so he went faster until the familiar tensing of all the muscles in his body came together in an explosion of sensations. Finally, he watched as his fluids erupted into the sink.

  Wade heaved the last of his lust, thankful that he got it out of his system. Quickly, he tucked his limp member back inside his pants and looked in the mirror to ensure that nothing on him was out of place. He worked fast to rid the sink of any evidence of his masturbation – washing his hands, the entire sink, and even the faucets until he was sure there was nothing left to clean.

  Wade shook his head in disbelief. Never before had any girl had that effect on him, and he didn’t like it. He nearly lost control and that’s the part that got him. He was always in control, he was Heretic’s front man. The leader. The guy in charge. Nothing happened without his say-so, but this time it did, and he felt cut off at the knees.

  Pull yourself together, he lectured himself.

  Wade collected whatever fleeting thoughts he had left and forced them from his mind with any discipline he could muster. He was late for his own show and he checked his appearance once more in the mirror before he ran from the bus and into the building.

  “Where the fuck have you been, man?”

  Wade barely heard Mike over the thunderous noise of cheering fans. Luckily, he heard Joe and Os free-styling with their guitars – a simple tactic they learned when Wade was late on numerous other occasions.

  “Sorry, I uh…had to use the bathroom.”

  Mike rolled his eyes and shook his head impatiently as Wade strolled on stage. He purposefully kept his eyes averted from Chris as the face of Heretic played to the crowd once more.

  Wade fought the temptation to look at Chris, fearful that his lust would make another showing. But in all reality, he didn’t need to look at her to give her anymore queues, because she knew exactly what to do. He knew she was going deliver another flawless show. But in the months that Chris traveled with Heretic, day after day of dressing up like a guy, Wade knew she looked good in clothes that complimented her gender, but he never fathomed how sexy she really was. Wade knew that from then on, the only hard part was pretending that he never saw anything.

  Chris went through the entire performance completely oblivious of Wade’s voyeurism but she was the happiest she’d ever been in her life. Chris was gaining increased popularity in the world of music and anyone that listened to music knew who Chris Rebman was. But she never let it go to her head. That night, fans began to chant Chris’ name until she appeared on stage, all while unaware that this incredible musician, this Mozart of drums, was a girl. She began to feel an enveloping sense of belonging in the music world. She loved the sound of her drums, but it was nothing compared to the dizzying chant of your own name being called.

  “Chris! Chris! CHRIS!”

  Chris wanted to smile when she heard her name rise above the deafening roar of the crowd – but she didn’t dare.

  It wasn’t until the end of the concert when she noticed that Wade hadn’t looked at her the whole night. Sure, she already knew what songs they were playing thanks to the list taped to the floor, but as they all came off the stage at the end of their last song, she couldn’t help but notice a sudden shift in Wade’s personality again. It was almost as if he was distracted by something and was more anxious that he had ever been. But Chris didn’t know why.

  “Alright,” Wade started again as the usual ‘triangle of protection’ took their place around Chris. “Same as before. Os? Whenever you’re ready.”

  As usual, Os grudgingly took his place in front - ready to clear a path just by size alone. But as they moved closer to the bus through a h
erd of fans, something didn’t sit well with him just then. After all, not once did Heretic’s fans chant his name before.

  Os peered over his shoulder briefly and at Wade’s ‘precious cargo’ and decided to have a little fun. Suddenly, a cold grin settled across his face. Slowly and deliberately, he started to leave the group behind.

  “Os! Os, wait up man!” Wade called out to his older brother. “Os!? OS!!”

  Wade continued to shout to his brother but it was no use. He kept going and soon, not even security could keep them from being swallowed whole by a mob of eager fans.

  Before he knew it, Wade was being swept away by the mauling crowd like a rising tide. Joe quickly latched onto Chris’ waist and tried to shield her while Wade found her hand among so many others, and pulled.

  He had never planned for a worst case scenario but wished to hell he had. Like a nightmare at the back of his mind, he pulled on Chris’ wrist so hard, he was afraid he’s pull her arm off. But while he and Joe tried making their way back to the bus, more people seemed to dog pile on them, giving Wade the feeling of walking through glue.

  He glanced once behind him to ensure they were both still there, but when he did, Chris’ arm started to slip from his grasp.

  “CHRIS!” he screamed.

  But no matter how much he struggled to hold on, he could do nothing as he watched her fingers being plucked from his own, one by one. And the last thing he saw as she disappeared behind a wall of bodies, was the sheer terror in her eyes as she and Joe were dragged away.

  “No! NOOO!!”

  But even his loud voice couldn’t penetrate the drowning screams of so many people. He felt he was being used as an unwilling puppet in a game of tug-of-war. People on every side of him screamed his name, or something about an autograph.

  He felt his collar of his t-shirt being pulled and then, the sound of fabric ripping and tearing altogether. But the destruction of his t-shirt was the furthest thing from his mind.

  He waded through a jungle of arms and legs, heading in the direction of where he last saw Chris and Joe. And when he found his guitarist being moshed around like a rag doll, Wade quickly caught him before he hit the ground. When he finally steadied him, he saw blood coming from his nose and a few drops of red on his shirt.