All She Wants for Christmas

by Annie Claydon

The tension seemed to drain out of him, and he took a step forward, laying his hand on her arm. ‘Beth. I’m sorry. Please don’t cry.’ It wasn’t until he said it that she realised that tears were streaming down her cheeks. ‘I just want to talk. Really talk, I mean. Won’t you give me a chance?’

  This was exactly what she had tried to avoid. ‘What, so you can give me your list of reasons why you don’t want me? I’ve heard it all before, Matt, and trust me—if you do that to me now, I’ll brain you with the Christmas tree.’

  ‘Fair enough.’ Something flashed in his eyes. ‘What will you do to me if I give you the list of all the things about you that drive me to me knees with longing?’

  Before she could stop him he was actually on his knees.

  ‘Get up, Matt.’ She aimed a punch at his shoulder that landed with rather more force than she had intended. ‘Get up. You’re confusing me.’ This was all too much for Beth, and she burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably.

  He was on his feet in a second, holding her, and she broke down in his arms. He let her cry, gripping her tightly until the tremors that racked her body started to subside. Finally she took a deep breath. ‘Okay, then. Let’s talk.’

  They sat, staring across the coffee table at each other for what seemed like an age. Finally Matt cleared his throat. ‘I’ve lied to you, Beth. I lied to everyone. But I want to change all that. You made me want to change.’

  ‘How did you lie?’ A sudden calm had settled on her. What was this big secret that he just couldn’t keep any more?

  ‘When Mariska died, there was someone else in the car. Her producer was also killed outright in the crash. He was her lover.’

  ‘What?’ Beth’s hand flew to her mouth. ‘Why would she, Matt? She had everything—you, Jack. What could have possessed her to do such a thing?’

  ‘She didn’t think so.’ Beth went to protest, but he held up a hand to silence her. ‘Let me tell you, Beth, while I still can. There were other affairs. I knew about them. When she was killed and it was all in danger of becoming public knowledge, the production company hushed it up and I helped them. I didn’t want Jack to know.’

  Beth stared at him in disbelief. ‘You…How long, Matt?’

  ‘It was after Jack’s second birthday party. She turned up late, as usual, and done up to the nines, then spent half an hour on the phone in the bedroom. I confronted her about it and she told me. She said that she loved me, and she loved Jack, but she wanted more. She was bored.’ His gaze fell from her face and his shoulders began to slump.

  ‘Go on. Don’t stop now, I want to hear it all, Matt. I think I may need to hear it.’ He needed to tell it as well.

  His gaze swept up again and he nodded. ‘We didn’t argue. If she had shed one tear I would have known that there was something still there to fight for. But there wasn’t. We made a bargain. Mariska’s new show was just about to go to air, and she didn’t want the complication of a divorce just then.’

  ‘And you didn’t want to lose Jack.’ Beth knew that Matt’s first thought would have been for his son.

  ‘She was never there and I knew that wouldn’t change if I left. He’d just be looked after by nannies, with his mother making an appearance every now and then, a new man on her arm each time. The bargain was that she would keep her affairs discreet, and that I’d look after Jack. It suited both of us.’ He shot her an imploring look. ‘Can you ever understand that?’

  ‘No. I can’t understand what she did, Matt. And I can’t understand how you found the courage to stay. But I respect you for doing so. You’ve made Jack’s life whole, instead of allowing it to be destroyed by something that was beyond your control.’

  He stared at her, as if he didn’t comprehend a word that she was saying. ‘But I lied, Beth. I’ve been lying to him and to you.’

  ‘Yes, you did. But Jack’s not ready for something like this. Maybe someday he will be. It’s got to come from him, though, and until he’s ready it’s no one else’s business. Not the press or anyone’s. Certainly not mine.’

  ‘It is your business, though. I let it drive a wedge between us and didn’t tell you any of the things that you deserve to hear.’ He shrugged. ‘But when it finally came to leaving you, I couldn’t do it. I sat out there in the car and I couldn’t drive away. Not until I’d at least tried to explain to you.’ His shoulders slumped again. He’d done what he came to do and he seemed completely drained by the effort.

  Comprehension curled guiltily around her stomach. He thought it was his fault. Beth heaved a sigh, trying to goad her lungs into breathing without effort. ‘It takes two, Matt.’

  ‘No. No, Beth, don’t try to absolve me—’

  She cut him short with an impatient gesture. ‘You’re not the only one who’s had a reason to be afraid. I have, too. I was going out with someone…before.’

  His head snapped back up again, his gaze searching her face. ‘Beth, I’ve come to realise something. It’s not the secrets that keep us apart. It’s that we daren’t trust each other enough to talk about them. Please tell me.’

  He was right. Beth knew she had to tell him, however difficult it was. ‘We were engaged. He broke it off, because…because…’ Her chest started to heave.

  ‘It’s all right, sweetheart. Take it slow if you need to.’

  ‘He broke it off because he didn’t want deaf children. He said…’ Beth shrugged, and fell silent.

  There was a long moment of quiet and then Matt held his arms out towards her. ‘Here. Don’t suppose you have a pair of handcuffs on you?’

  ‘No.’ She giggled, despite herself. ‘Surprising as that seems. Why?’

  ‘Because I think there’s something in the Hippocratic oath that precludes finding people and breaking their legs. I might need a little help restraining myself if I’m to do this idiot no harm.’ He rose, and perched himself on the coffee table in front of her, taking her hands in his. ‘Look, Beth. If there’s something that comes between us I want it to be about us. Not Mariska. Not…what’s his name?’

  ‘Pete.’ Matt’s eyes were like pools of deep blue water. Warm. Safe. No rocks lying jagged under the surface. She could trust him. ‘Anyway, no leg-breaking. You’re just as bad as Marcie.’

  ‘I’ll exercise every last scrap of self-control. So what did Marcie have in mind?’

  Beth shrugged. It all seemed so stupid now. She didn’t care about Pete any more, or what he’d said. ‘She wanted to take him out and shoot him.’

  He chuckled. ‘I knew there was something I liked about Marcie.’ He stilled again. ‘Tell me what he said, Beth.’

  ‘He said that his mother had had a long talk with him, told him about all the difficulties and how it wasn’t fair on him to expect him to have to look after me and a disabled child.’

  ‘And he listened to her?’

  ‘Yes. He dumped me just before Christmas, last year.’

  Rage flared in his eyes and then died again. ‘Beth. You can’t think…Tell me you don’t think that what he did was anything other than cruel madness.’

  She shrugged. ‘I am deaf, Matt. There’s no getting around that.’

  ‘So what? You don’t see that as a disability.’

  ‘No, but—’

  ‘If this Pete character did, then he’s the one that’s disabled. He’s disabled because he couldn’t see the richness of your culture, and all the other things that make you special. Any child is a blessing, but your children…Beth, your children would be like you. Talented. Beautiful. Compassionate.’ Matt stopped for breath. ‘I can give you the full list, but it may take a while.’

  She was laughing through her tears. ‘Yes, but when it’s your own child…’

  ‘Haven’t you heard anything I’ve said, Beth? If my child was anything like you, I’d count myself blessed. The only thing that Pete did right was to leave, otherwise you’d be married to him now, and I wouldn’t have had a chance with you.’ He was almost pleading with her. Begging her to understand, to believe what he said.r />
  ‘You mean you want a chance?’ Beth still couldn’t quite trust that she’d heard him right.

  ‘Yes. I don’t deserve one, but I’m going to ask anyway. You can send me away if you want to but, please, whatever you do, do it because of me. Not anyone else.’

  Beth had pulled her hands away from his grasp and he sat back a little. She was going to send him away. If she did, it would kill him, but he’d go all the same. If his heart was going to shrivel and die, it was only right that it should be at her hands.

  ‘What happens if I ask you to stay?’ She was nervous, hesitant.

  ‘I tell you I love you. That I want us both to put the past behind us and start fighting for a different kind of future. If I’m lucky, then one day, I’ll win you round.’

  She was worrying at her bottom lip with her teeth and suddenly she broke into a smile. ‘What about today?’ She looked at her watch and then her gaze slid back up to his face, half shy, half coquettish. ‘You have a couple of hours. That should be enough.’

  Almost before the words were out of her mouth, he was on his feet, catching his shin on the coffee table as he went. An empty mug smashed unheeded on the bare floorboards, and he grabbed her hand, pulling her up.

  She almost knocked him off his feet in her eagerness to be close to him. Matt crushed her in his arms, a soft, sweet-smelling confection of everything he had ever wanted in a woman. Holding back from kissing her as long as he could, just to enjoy the moment, he felt her hands on the back of his neck, dragging him towards her. She only had time to whisper his name once before he silenced her, pressing his mouth onto hers like a drowning man, cleaving to his only source of air.

  He gave her everything. His strength, his passion and all his weakness and doubt. And she took all he had to give, meeting his need for her and responding with an intensity that left him dizzy with longing. There was only one thing that he wanted, and that was the woman that he had in his arms. The closer the better. For as long as humanly possible Her kisses were everything, but they couldn’t fully slake his need for her. All of the nights he had spent alone, before and after Mariska’s death, had never seemed lonely. But this one would surely kill him if he couldn’t share it with Beth. ‘Please, Beth. Will you let me stay?’

  ‘Yes.’

  He kissed her again. ‘I want to…’ He couldn’t find the words and so he let actions speak for him, finding the top button of her blouse and tugging at it gently.

  ‘Tell me.’

  He wasn’t sure how clearly she would hear him if he whispered in her ear so he cradled her face in his hands, facing her. Whispering was overrated. It was so much more sensual to have her look into his face and to see the emotions in hers as he told her exactly what he wanted.

  A shiver of delight shook her body, and she pressed into him, her fingers straining at the threads of his shirt. The urge to get rid of everything that separated them was overwhelming and he pulled at her blouse, sending buttons skittering across the floor. She gasped, and tried to drag the shirt from his back, giving a little huff of impatience when it wouldn’t come.

  ‘Wait. You can do that soon enough.’ He picked her up, trying to stop his own limbs from shaking as much as hers were, and carried her upstairs.

  Beth woke early, wrapped in the warmth of his body with the regular rise and fall of his chest against hers. Even the air seemed to shimmer with echoes of everything they’d done together last night. Carefully she disentangled herself from his arms, shivering at the cool touch of the sheets at the edge of the bed, and pulled on a warm dressing gown.

  She felt rather than heard him stir behind her. Turning, she saw his lips move.

  ‘I’m just going downstairs. I’ll get some breakfast. The bathroom’s through there.’ She couldn’t hear her own words and hoped her voice didn’t sound too shaky.

  She was in the kitchen, tugging at the inner canister of the breadmaker, trying to free it from its moorings, when a movement, right on the periphery of her vision, made her jump. Matt’s fingers brushed her elbow, and his arm appeared, closely followed by the rest of him. He was bare chested and beautiful, fresh out of a shower that must have taken him all of two minutes.

  Beth. She’d taught him how to sign her name last night, and he was already using his limited vocabulary to its full extent. His meaning was clear, though. His open hand held her CI and the hearing aid for her other ear.

  She tried to turn away from him, but he moved with her, gently tipping her face up towards his. His eyes echoed the silent question on his lips.

  ‘Okay, okay.’ She held her hand up in a gesture of submission and took the CI from him, putting it in place on the side of her head. ‘Better?’

  ‘Much. This, too.’ He handed her the hearing aid. ‘Thank you. I want you to hear me.’

  He’d said something of the sort last night, when he’d almost begged her to keep her CI on while they made love. Please hear me. And he’d been right. She wouldn’t have missed any of his sweet words, not for the world. This morning, things might be different, though.

  ‘I…I need to take the bread out before it burns.’ Beth turned back to the counter top and renewed her efforts with the canister, snatching her hand away as the hot metal scorched her fingers.

  ‘Let me.’ He reached around her and flipped the canister out, wrapping it in a tea towel and tipping the hot bread onto the rack. His hand found hers and raised it to his lips and she felt his mouth, soothing her burned flesh. ‘What’s the matter, Beth?’

  ‘I…I’m afraid, Matt.’ If last night had only taught her one thing, it had taught her this. Whatever her doubts, whatever her feelings, she could trust him enough to share them with him.

  ‘Me, too. You terrify me, because I love you. You told me you loved me last night.’

  ‘I do love you. But when I woke up this morning it all seemed too good to be true. I couldn’t believe that you wouldn’t have second thoughts.’

  ‘I meant every word I said last night.’ He dropped her hand and she felt his lips brush against hers. He tasted of peppermint and dreams. ‘Should I run through it a second time? Perhaps I didn’t make myself quite clear.’

  Oh, yes. He could run through it as many times as he liked. She reached out for him, feeling muscle and sinew flex beneath the smooth skin of his shoulder at her touch. ‘I think we already did that. The second time.’

  ‘I remember.’ His touch turned into an embrace and he lifted her slightly, perching her up on the worktop and moving in close to wrap his arms around her.

  ‘You have no regrets, then?’

  ‘Just one. That I didn’t wake up with you in my arms.’

  Heat shot through her veins. She wrapped her legs around his waist, holding him tight, tracing the thin, long healed scar that ran across his shoulder with her finger. ‘Perhaps we’ll have breakfast later.’

  ‘My thoughts exactly.’ One of her slippers had fallen to the floor, and he pulled the other one off, tossing it over his shoulder, to clatter unheeded into the sink, with the plates from last night. Gently he tugged at the tie of her dressing gown. ‘I think we have some outstanding matters to clear up first.’

  ‘Now that you mention it, there are a few points I’d like you to clarify. Oh!’ His hands had found their way inside her dressing gown and her body flamed into trembling desire as his fingers trailed across her skin.

  ‘That one of them?’

  ‘Mmm-hmm. There are some others.’

  ‘Lots of others. We’ve only really touched the surface so far.’ His lips descended on hers, trapping them in an insistent kiss.

  ‘Well, I’m free all day.’

  ‘It’s going to take longer than that to cover all the ground.’

  ‘I’ll check my diary. When shall I pencil you in?’ Beth lifted one of her feet and planted her cold toes against the warm skin of his back and he gasped, jerking convulsively.

  ‘Every page.’

  He had her out of her dressing gown almost before she could b
reathe, and when she twisted the button of his jeans undone he slid them off, letting them fall in a crumpled heap on the floor.

  ‘Upstairs. The condoms are on my bedside table and anyway it’s too cold down here.’

  He chuckled softly, his lips against the sensitive skin of her neck. ‘Ah, sweetheart. I love it when you order me around.’

  Their second attempt at breakfast came much later and Matt refused to let her go downstairs alone, claiming that it would be a degree of separation too many. Together they made toast and fresh coffee, then Matt carried the tray upstairs, smoothing the rumpled duvet so that they could stretch out on the bed together to eat it.

  They ate and talked and made love. Even showering was too much time apart and Matt invaded the small shower enclosure with her. Soaping each other’s bodies turned quickly to long, slow caresses before he wrapped her in a towel and hurried her back to the bedroom to finish what they had started, drawing the pleasure out until it seemed that time had chosen one perfect moment to stop in its tracks.

  Some time in the middle of the afternoon, they lay together, talking. There were things to consider—when to tell her family, when to tell his, and most importantly how to tell Jack. Matt wanted to do it all right now and even though Beth urged caution, his confidence won her over.

  Beth allowed him the concession of calling his mother to say that she should set an extra place for supper this evening, while she went downstairs to raid the fridge again. When she returned, he was propped up against the pillows, his face thoughtful.

  ‘It’s Christmas Eve tomorrow.’

  She plumped herself down on the bed, hugging her knees in front of her. ‘Yes, can’t wait.’

  ‘Are you busy?’

  ‘No I’ve got the whole day free.’ Beth put the bowl of winter strawberries on the bedside table and stretched out on the bed, like a cat in front of the fire. ‘I’m going to spend it doing all my favourite things.’ She paused as if thinking for a moment. ‘All but one. I’ll think about that one.’

  ‘What’s that, then? The favourite thing you’re not going to do.’

  ‘Guess.’