by Bee Rowlatt
Anyway. It’s hard to imagine but things are getting worse. Yesterday my husband came home terrified because someone had been killed right in front of him. The man – not yet dead – rose and started running blindly till he collapsed in the middle of the street. This was in addition to 23 other bodies found in the neighbourhood.
I went to college but there were no students, and so I decided to stay off work till Monday. Good news: we finished painting the bedroom and put all the furniture back.
By the way, when is your birthday? Are you a Libran? If you are then let me surprise you that I am also a Libran and was born on 10th October.
LOVE
May
05.10.06
I’m a Libran too!
May, you’ll never guess what, my birthday is 15th October, just after yours! So I will raise a toast to you when I am celebrating. (Do you drink alcohol, by the way? We British are very indulgent drinkers. But now I remember you saying your first husband had a drink problem, so I imagine that would be enough to put you off for life.)
Well, I’m so happy to hear from you as I was in a really bad mood. I had a dream that Zola (my middle daughter) drowned, so I felt sick when I woke up. Then over breakfast I got in a mood with Justin, because he is running around being important and successful while I just have to do the bloody laundry and small day-to-day things that nobody has any regard for. He gets back late, all full of his brilliant job and I’ve just had enough of it. He’s not actually a show-off but I resent the inequality in the impact the children have had on our lives, i.e. no impact on his career whatsoever. Obviously I don’t regret the children at all because I love them so much; I just don’t like the either/or dilemma between family and career. I know I’ll feel better when I start doing my job again – I feel in a bit of a limbo.
But your email does put things into perspective. What a strange side effect of the curfew and insecurity that people are getting fat. You must get so bored when there is a curfew.
I was startled by your students’ feelings about Hester Prynne. I did that book as part of my first degree and I loved it – so much so, that when I was pregnant with my first daughter I wanted to call her Pearl, after Hester’s wild daughter. But Justin said no way; it reminded him of Formica tables (by that I think he meant old waitresses in cafés with cheap plastic furniture), haha!
I’m meeting up with a friend later for a swim in Hampstead Heath Ladies’ Pond. It’s a hidden-away large pond surrounded by dense bushes and trees. I think of it as an earthly paradise. In the summer it gets crowded but now that it’s autumn only a few people keep going. There’s a bare wooden hut where we get changed, then a big ladder sinks down into the dark water and you just have to plunge right in. It will be cold but it feels amazing afterwards, and the water smells so pure, like rain.
At the entrance there is a large sign saying NO MEN ALLOWED, which makes me laugh, as sexual discrimination is illegal in Britain (and also racial discrimination, and as of this week there is new legislation making it illegal to discriminate against someone on the grounds of age too).
OK, I have to go now – take care of yourself.
Lots of love and hugs
Bee XXX
PS Guess what, I have sent off a little parcel to you! It contains three books: one that I thought you would like (Life of Charles Dickens), another that I love (Blake) and another book (Short Stories of Nathaniel Hawthorne) that I bought second-hand in Glasgow. You will see inside my old name before I got married: Bee Späth, it’s a German name. There are also a couple of pictures that Eva and Zola drew for you, and $200 in an envelope for you, and another $50 in an envelope for the ‘fixer’, that is, whoever can help to get it to you. Andrew North is the BBC correspondent there and an old colleague of mine. He’ll call you to arrange it.
PPS What shape are your weekends over there? It sounds odd to me that your academic term would start on a Sunday.
6.10.06
Women’s talk
Dear Bee
Thank you very much for taking the trouble to send me presents. I will try to send you something to remind you of me.
It is only natural to feel like that about husbands. I’ve always felt that I never got what I really deserve because of the creation of those creatures called Men, but they are something that we cannot do without for various reasons. In my country it is a man’s world, no matter how hard you work and whatever degrees you obtain, still they are a teeny-weeny bit above us. I always thought men lacked consideration and were cruel creatures, until I was loaned a book called Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Then I realized that they tend to think in a different way (we might call it twisted or practical or whatever).
A few months after I was widowed by my first husband I got used to making my own decisions and I loved the freedom, but life began to get harder and harder: shopping, paying bills, getting fuel and even driving around. I had several offers, but was really scared to commit again. They were all very rich and highly educated but I always had this sense of their being selfish and self-obsessed. One night, and after nine months of widowhood (just before this war started), the phone rang at 3 a.m. I was terrified and lifted the speaker expecting to hear something awful, but to my surprise there was a stranger on the other end. All he wanted was to talk. He had dialled the number randomly. I told him off and put the fear of God into him, as you might say, but he did not give up. The phone kept ringing and ringing all night. I gave up and asked him what he wanted, and he said that he had always dreamed of meeting his soulmate by chance or fate. I told him that it was rather late and perhaps we could talk some other time. I thought that he was drunk and that everything would be over.
But he called the next afternoon. He told me all about himself and I found out that he was young. I told him that I was older than him, and he asked if we could just be friends and nothing more. I agreed and we talked regularly for about three months. I told him that I usually went to bed by midnight and was not ready to extend that deadline for any reason. He was very polite – by midnight he would remind me that it was my bedtime and put the phone down.
After three months, the war started and all the phones were cut off. I lost contact with him because he lived in another city, and I forgot all about him.
That’s enough for today; I will tell you what happened in another email.
Good news. I got my hair cut and had what we call mesh; like blonde highlights. We finished the painting and then I did an overall clean, which included emptying cupboards, polishing metal and silver things, and cleaning the fans and the windows.
Love
May
PS Iraq’s weekend used to be Friday, when families had their meals together, watched TV or entertained. The invasion added Saturday as another weekend day and so we now have two days in our weekend. But I describe Fridays as Frightdays because we are usually under curfew and there are often problems somewhere in the country. For some families it is Fightdays, since all are in the house due to the curfew and family quarrels tend to break out!
For Ali and me all our days are the same. We spend the weekends watching TV and eating more than five meals a day (without really being hungry) and reading tarot cards just to pass the time and ease our depression. But at least Saturdays are a bit better because there is movement in the streets and the shops open. Now I MUST go.
X
14.10.06
Birthday treats
MAY!!
I’ve had a lovely week but how fast it flew by. How was your birthday? I hope you had a good day.
I was fascinated by the story of your friend on the phone. How mysterious. I wonder what he is doing now, or if he is still alive. And when did you meet your new husband?
I’ve never read Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. I suppose it’s worth realizing how different we are. But then again, it doesn’t have to be an excuse: ‘I’m from Mars, so of course I don’t know how to work the washing machine!’ Haha.
I’m getting r
eady for my own birthday celebrations this evening (although it’s actually tomorrow); a bunch of us are going out to a bowling place with live music. Yesterday I treated myself to a manicure and a pedicure, both in bright red, and I keep noticing them and smiling.
Busy week in the news: a former government minister made a comment about Moslem women in his constituency, saying that if they come to talk to him, he asks them to consider removing their facial veil. The media have gone mad about it; everyone’s now talking about Moslem women covering their faces etc. I think it’s rather a reflection of people’s fear of Moslems in general because of world events and terrorism. The comment was supported by right-wing people and tabloid newspapers, but also many liberal people joined in, saying that wearing the veil oppresses women.
Must people get so upset? I was brought up with no religion whatsoever, and educated in the secular state system. Then I did ‘A’ Levels at a Quaker school. Although I didn’t believe in God, I was impressed by their values (basically tolerance and pacifism) and have thought about it a lot since. To me it seems amazing that, after so many centuries, medieval things like religious persecution still persist. I know this is naive, but I don’t think it’s irrational. Unless every generation actively deletes what came before it. Maybe we don’t progress at all but are merely subject to entropy. I am a bit of a teenage Hamlet today, aren’t I? ‘And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust?’
I realized that if something happened to you, May, I would never be able to find out. Your emails would just stop and I would never know why. It makes me feel horribly sad. I always think of you every time I hear about casualties in Iraq (almost daily). And yet if we walked past each other in the street we wouldn’t even know.
War is the ugliest thing in the world. Oh May, I do hope that things will get better in Iraq and your life can be normal.
Take care.
Bee XXX
15.10.06
Happy birthday
Dear Bee
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND MANY HAPPY RETURNS.
So happy to hear from you. I wrote an email telling you all about Moslem women but unfortunately it was swallowed up by the computer. What I wanted to tell you was that Moslem women do not have to cover their faces. They have to cover their bodies and most probably their hair, but NOT their faces, feet and hands. Mind you, this has been the costume of Middle Eastern women since as far back as early Christianity. This is clearly reflected in the pictures of the Holy Virgin.
What I do not understand, and what gets on my nerves, is the way in which extremists add their own rules and regulations. These people are doing more harm than they realize. Islam was never, ever a religion of violence, nor was it a religion that harboured hatred towards other religions. On the contrary, Moslems are required to treat people of other religions nicely, and to protect them in places where Moslems represent the majority. But those extremists have deviated from the course.
As for the story of the person I met on the phone, I last told you that the war had broken out and so I forgot all about him. Then, after 16 months, the phones were repaired, and you wouldn’t believe it: the first person who called me was him. I was amazed to hear from him again, and he told me that he used to call my number every day at all hours to check.
I was so happy to hear from him. And we started to talk again. But this time we talked for hours and hours, and we became so close that we started having breakfasts, lunches and suppers together (on the phone). After four months I thought that it was time to meet this person face to face, and we set a date for our meeting, but then I chickened out because I lacked self-confidence. I thought that I was much older, and he couldn’t possibly love me if he saw me. I did not realize that I had told him where I worked, and he had come to see me without me knowing.
That’s all for now. I will tell you more later. I have to run to prepare dinner.
LOVE XXX to you and family.
May
03.11.06
It’s a mess
Bee, dearest
Sorry for not writing for such a long time. I knew you’d be worried, but I just couldn’t put my bum on a seat and write. My thoughts are all in a mess. Can you believe that we only go to the university once a week, and there are still no students to teach? They just don’t come any more. We are living in a state similar to house arrest; we are literally imprisoned in our homes. It is so depressing.
My husband just can’t go out anywhere, even to buy bread, without taking me with him, because a man on his own is an easy target for all the different militias. Our financial matters are very bad and my monthly salary isn’t enough any more; it can’t keep us for 10 days no matter how hard we try. We’ve cut down on all the ‘luxuries’ like meat, vegetables, haircuts, new clothes etc. But still it isn’t working. I suppose we are better off than many Iraqis because we have no children to support and I have a regular salary. The self-employed and workers on a daily wage suffer the most.
I got a reply from the UN saying that I have not been selected, so that’s that. I know that I am bothering you with all this news but at least you’ll know that I am still ticking. How are the girls? Please give big hugs and kisses for each one of them. I wish I could see them some day.
You know I’m deprived of all my nephews and my niece, because my family are against my marriage. The same applies to my husband’s family; they have disinherited him for marrying me. So you see, we are quite alone in this world. Although I live next door to my brother I can’t hug his children, because they obey their father. The only person who talks to us is my mother, and I learn all their news from her.
What is keeping you busy? Please sit and write to me. Your emails give me psychological energy.
Love you always.
May XXXXX
03.11.06
Families
Dear May
I don’t know how you manage it. Thank God you are OK, though.
I can’t understand why your family and your husband’s family have disconnected themselves from you. Is it for religious reasons, or because you were married before? Family feuds are so sad. My German side of the family (my mother’s English but my father is German) is riven with feuding. I would consider my life a failure if my daughters all hated each other when they got old.
My older brother Wenz and I are quite different personality-wise, but at least we talk on the phone and see each other a few times a year (he lives up in Yorkshire). The girls just love him; they climb all over him and he never gets cross with them. My relationship with my mum is very close – I think she is a hero and I adore her. Occasionally she irritates me but I also miss her as she’s in Yorkshire too, so we don’t see her often enough.
Apart from your mum, do you have any other family you’re close to, or were they all too angry about your marriage? May, you’re like Emily Brontë – alone in a wilderness, with a rich interior life but no way of escape.
Well, I will try to tell you something to cheer you up. You know the Ladies’ Pond up on Hampstead Heath I have mentioned? I went with two friends to do our last swim of the year, on 1st NOVEMBER! It was soooo cold, May. We had on bikinis and big woolly hats in the water! We were shrieking hysterically, partly from laughter but partly out of panic. The water was around 13 degrees, which isn’t actually all that bad, but it was a very windy day.
I have to go now but I hope your day improves and you have a good weekend.
All my love
Bee XXXX
08.11.06
Andrew called
Hi, Bee
Today Andrew called. I asked him if I could send a driver to pick up the parcel, and take something to deliver to you. And the driver has just called saying that he received it!
Love XXX
May
08.11.06
Saddam’s verdict
May
What did you think of the Saddam verdict? I don’t agree with the death penalty, however bad the criminal. I think it puts the judicial system on the s
ame level as the original offence. Have you seen what’s happening in the mid-term elections in the US? It’s very exciting. The tide seems to be turning against Bush.
It’s getting really cold now and I’m wrapped up in a large fluffy white scarf my sister Hannah got me for my birthday. (She’s actually a half-sister: same father, different mother. She grew up in Germany but has moved to the UK and we see each other a bit more, kind of a new discovery.)
I should really go out and get some stuff done.
Hope you’re well.
Bee XXXX
10.11.06
Your present has arrived
Bee
Thank you so much for everything. I was truly happy and grateful. As for the children, their drawings brought tears to my eyes. I felt as though I was really their aunty.
You asked me about the S.H. verdict. Well, I’m against death sentences apart from in cases of rape and murder. But this death sentence is not proper. You know I finally realized that maybe his cruelty was designed to prevent the country from reaching this point. You can’t imagine what it is like now.
People are killed because of their names – there are names which are preferred by Sunnis and others by Shi’ites. People are killed merely for being named Omar or Ali (names that identify them as belonging to the wrong faction).
Those who have control now are worse than he was. Do you believe that the winter has come, and it’s cold and we have no electricity or fuel for the heaters? (By March it will be warm, and then by early May it will be 40 degrees centigrade and by July it exceeds 50.) Such extremes in this country. Last night I was shivering and my nose started running and I couldn’t do a thing. I held Hawthorne’s book, and started reading to keep my mind off things, but I only managed one short story and couldn’t go on. So I went to bed and wore socks and covered myself with a duvet and two blankets. People who are doing this to civilians deserve a darker sentence than that of S.H.
