Talking About Jane Austen in Baghdad

by Bee Rowlatt

  I must go now; I am exhausted. I will write again as soon as I can. Don’t stop writing.

  Love you for ever

  May XX

  11.01.08

  Comprehension isn’t the main thing

  Hi, dearest

  I am glad (if glad is the right word) that you tell me the dreadful things that happen, but you’re right to wonder if I can comprehend it all. In a factual way, of course I can: journalists regularly document other people’s abject misery and the plight of humanity all over the world. The difference is when it’s someone you care about, and so every time there is a bomb or atrocity you wonder how they feel about it. Were they close? Did they hear it? Are they afraid? So really, the part I cannot comprehend at all is how you carry on: how you keep going, teaching your students, supporting Ali, writing emails and just trying to be normal.

  But the most important thing is that we connect in spite of all that madness. We have so much to share; compassion is stronger than comprehension. And also it’s important for you to be able to describe the horrors, because even if I can’t fully imagine it I think it’s somehow good for your mind to get it out. May, I won’t give up. Please remember I always love you and am wishing all the time for a way out of this.

  I can’t write any more. It’s pouring with rain outside, and Elsa and I are trapped indoors going a bit crazy. She keeps popping up and climbing on to me and bringing me books and things, so I know she’s getting very bored. We will just have to go out and face the downpour.

  Take care, dearest.

  B XX

  15.01.08

  GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!!????????

  MAAAAY!

  Adrian, the agent friend of Kate’s, called me today about the you-know-what. A publisher has read our manuscript, liked it and wants to meet me next Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (There aren’t enough exclam-ation marks for how I feel.)

  The phone call came at about 4 p.m. I was on my own in the house and I didn’t recognize the number on my phone. After the call I was totally hysterical; I didn’t know what to do so I ran about trying to find a piece of music with an appropriate sense of triumph. I picked Janis Joplin (‘Get It While You Can’) and put it on at top volume, sang and shrieked as loud as I could and spun about kicking my legs up in the air, dancing like Kate Bush and whirling all over the kitchen, and then I burst into tears.

  May, I know we’ve both tried hard to be cautious and not get too excited but this is truly the BEST news I’ve had for ages. It’s not certain yet, but it’s a great start. Now, for God’s sake just make sure nothing happens to you or Ali; just stay safe. Please don’t take any risks at all – if anything bad happened to you now that we are so close I couldn’t bear it.

  HURRAAA​AAAA​AAAAAAA​AAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!

  A MASSIVE HUG OF JOY, MADNESS, AND SHEER RANDOM LUCK!!!

  B XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX​XXXXX​XXXXX​XXXXXX​XXXXX​XXXXX​XXXX

  16.01.08

  HIP HIP HURRAY

  Dearest Bee

  Read your email. It’s so good… I’m so happy. I sure hope it will work out this time. Oh Bee, what you’ve done is a great humanitarian deed. I thank you. I really love all this, and as a Libran I adore publicity. I really can’t wait for Monday and hope it will come soon.

  You know, I’ve been thinking a lot and I’ve reached the conclusion that even if I don’t live to see this, I would still be happy for the world to find out how people can have a genuine affection for one another even though they live worlds apart. Funny how the most precious people in my life came into it through fate and longdistance communication. Remember my meeting with Ali? And of course you know how you and I became so close.

  By the way, I forgot to tell you a funny thing about the extremists in our district. They have banned putting cucumbers near tomatoes. They say there is a sexual implication in these vegetables and it is wrong and sinful. They have also ordered the shepherds who roam around with their herds to make the goats wear nappies, because it is sinful to exhibit an animal’s genitals. Imagine, Bee, the 21st century with all its scientific discoveries still has idiots like these.

  Anyway, I will tell you about today. I finished my first lecture at 11.45 and was then called to attend a departmental meeting. The meeting was hilarious. No one took it seriously and, no matter how the poor head of department tried, no one really paid much attention. She told us we must attend college four times a week, and I retorted that they must provide electricity, security, water, fuel and salary increases before they demand work. The funny thing is that we are not being asked to give lectures, but to sit and wait in case any students have any questions.

  Anyway, everyone started to make fun of the issue, and then I said today was supposed to be payday and they were not paying us because tomorrow is a holiday and they are scared in case a large sum remains at the accounts department without adequate security. I don’t understand how these people think they can delay paying us our salaries, little as they are. It is our right to be paid promptly.

  We spent the rest of the time talking at length about the water shortages and the dirty toilets, and each person who spoke suggested something funnier than the last. One suggested buying buckets to be kept in the toilets with clean water for washing, and another talked about buying better-quality soap, instead of the soap with no lather that is available on the ration card. So these are the concerns of university staff in the new Iraq.

  On my way back home the army stopped me and searched the car. I asked the soldier if he had planted a bomb on me. He was annoyed and asked why the Iraqi people did not trust the army. I told him there had been reports of such incidents, and when I got home Ali searched the car. There was nothing, thank God.

  Would you believe that we don’t have a single penny in the house, and all our money has gone on fuel? We’ve been getting our groceries from the store on credit.

  Love, as always, with hugs and wishes of luck for our project

  May XXXX

  21.01.08

  Today was the day

  MAY!!!

  I’ll start from the very beginning.

  I woke up quite early, just after 7 a.m. I noticed how it’s started getting light earlier, and I had a nice daydream about making a box of stuff for you and Ali when you move into your student accommodation. I lay there thinking what supplies you’d need, such as washing-up liquid, cooking oil, that sort of thing, and then I got all excited about putting in some Yorkshire tea. We have always talked about cups of tea, and Yorkshire tea is – with customary Yorkshire modesty – the best in the world. Its boast is that one tea bag is strong enough for two cups, and the box depicts such Yorkshire delights as Brimham Rocks and men playing cricket. I have converted several friends to the cause. I can’t wait to get you on to it too.

  Yes, yes, you’re thinking – but get to the point! WHAT ABOUT THE MEETING WITH THE PUBLISHER??!! HAHAHA. Well, I’m building in some suspense, May, to make it more exciting. So, I wore high-heeled boots and borrowed a black trench coat with a cinched-in belt from my most glamorous friend, Amy, and off I went. I met Adrian in a grand reception area and we were taken up into a white office space full of shiny elegant people. I told them our whole story, took out my photos of you, and we talked about everything. Basically we’ve been talking about you all day! Now we have to wait and see if they want to make an offer. Adrian said he won’t have an answer for a while…

  Right, I have to go now. I’m tired – it’s been a mad one.

  Love you always!

  Bee XX

  PS Don’t say thanks, it’s both our work.

  22.01.08

  Too good to be true

  Dear Bumbo Bee

  You’ve done a great job; I hope it all ends well. I can no longer put my whole heart into one thing and sit and wait. You have a saying in English: ‘It is too good to be true.’ So I’ll just wait without involving my emotions.

  Today I had a good laugh. As I was washing the dishes I heard Ali talking to someone v
ia the messenger. He said, ‘Hello, Mali… how are you?… am so happy to meet you…’ Then he said, ‘Mali, are you OK?’ It turned out that he was talking to an English-speaking woman, and he was repeating what he had learned when we were supposed to come to the UK in the summer. I laughed more when there was a sort of Arabic–English pun. The woman told him that she was fine. The word ‘faayen’ as used in Ali’s province means bad or degrading and it is used when someone’s luck is running out, and I heard him reply, ‘Faayen, yes, faayen. My luck is quite faayen,’ and I just couldn’t hold my laughter in.

  You remember I told you about the new job? My editor is going mad because the internet keeps failing and he told me that I have to do something about it. I can’t do a thing of course. He told me that my translation was excellent, and this made me happy because it’s been ages since I worked in the media. Anyway, I will be happy for as long as it lasts.

  I start work after I come home from the university, from 2 p.m. to 6 p.m., so I am working a whole day. I do get very tired, though, and Ali isn’t very helpful. As soon as I got up from my seat this afternoon he smiled at me and said, ‘You are tired.’ And immediately afterwards he asked what was I going to make for dinner. I got mad but didn’t say a word. I made tea and brought out some milk, cream, cheese and jam and sat down to eat. He said he wanted me to fry meat and eggs for him and I snapped, ‘Fry them yourself.’ He got up and went and did just that.

  I feel sorry for him but I think he has been spoilt, and he needs to be more modern. In his province the women do all the housework and the men bring in the money. They live like caliphs and are waited on by the women. I have tried to make him understand that it is not because they are men, but because they bring in the household income. He looked at me and said, ‘You know, I hadn’t looked at it that way.’ So at least he realizes the reason, but he still forgets all the time (quite handy).

  Time to go now, lovely Bee.

  Lots of love and big hugs

  May XXX

  24.01.08

  Advantages of a boring country

  Dearest

  I don’t blame you for saying it’s too good to be true. You know I am an incurable optimist. So let’s just wait and see. Great that Ali’s learning English. Best of luck with your ‘modernizing’ process, haha! Were there servants in his old life, or just the women in his family?

  I’m back at work today. What a relief – I’ve been missing it. I came in early and read all the international stuff, as it’s a bit nerve-wracking when you haven’t been in for ages and don’t know what to say about Gaza or whatever. It’s good to see everyone. And after the days and weeks of rain it’s suddenly sunny and bright outside, so I went for a walk during my lunch break. I walked over Waterloo Bridge on one side, with brilliant sunshine reflecting off the Thames and looking across to the London Eye; I could see Westminster and Big Ben. When I got to the other side I crossed over and came back, enjoying the view of the City and St Paul’s Cathedral. It’s the best bridge in London. I always walk over it in my breaks from work. It makes me feel just like I’m in a film. I’ll suddenly realize I’m walking along like a superstar, then want to burst out laughing.

  I’m so pleased for you about the second job with the news agency. Today’s my first day in since before Christmas and I think I go a bit weird if I don’t work. But we were starting a new au pair, so I needed the time off. She’s called Tina. She’s Swedish and was telling me today that she thinks Sweden has no extremes: no one is very rich or very poor, or leans to one extreme or the other, everyone is ‘neutral’. She thinks it’s boring. I said at least it’s not a small country acting like a big one and waging wars. (Don’t you wish Iraq was a bit more boring?) But having said that, I’m extremely proud of British culture, and I suppose that never came from being neutral or boring. Reminds me of the cuckoo clock speech by Orson Welles in The Third Man, remember?

  I’ve just got lunch (cheese baguette with cheese and onion crisps squeezed in) and brought it back to my desk. I’m getting World Service’s Burmese Service to translate and read a love poem that hides a coded insult to the country’s military leader. The poet, Saw Wai, has now been imprisoned as a result. (If you read the first word of each line it spells out: General Than Shwe is crazy with power.) A military leader, afraid of poetry. As if beating up unarmed nuns wasn’t enough to make him ashamed of himself.

  Take care…

  Bee XXX

  25.01.08

  Hello

  Dearest Bee

  How nice that you’re back to work. It really makes a person feel more glowing and lively. I was working yesterday when your mail arrived. This, you see, is one of the good aspects of working online. You’re kept informed of new emails and their senders. After I’d finished I read yours immediately, and started imagining the streets of London. I discovered that I didn’t really remember all that much. I do remember Piccadilly Circus, Trafalgar Square and the pigeons, the Royal Albert Hall, Oxford Street, the zoo, Madame Tussaud’s, Wandsworth Common and Shepherd’s Bush. But that’s about all.

  As for my students, well, they seem better this year. You know that I’m only teaching democracy and human rights this year, because I returned after the beginning of the semester. You should see how silly I look when I talk about the subject. I keep reminding the students that this is how it should be, but then I get scared in case there are government agents among them, so I reconsider by saying one day it will be like this. Sometimes the students ask questions that are a bit tricky to answer, and I have to twist a bit to get out of trouble. But in general it is fun to teach about contradictions.

  For example, there is an article that says everyone must have good pay and suitable working conditions, and I smile at them and say, ‘See, just like we have: very cold classrooms in the winter and very hot in the summer,’ and I laugh, and they all laugh too. I can’t of course talk about arrests, exile or everyday dangers, because they might create a problem, so I just skirt round them in a very cautious way. But I talk freely about marriage, working conditions and education etc.

  Ali, on the other hand, makes my life a happier one. When he sees that I am tired or worried he becomes an angel, and this is what counts. It doesn’t matter if he is a lazy bum on ordinary days, because I can cope. You asked if his family had servants. No, they didn’t. It is the females of the family who do the work. They did have slaves when his grandfather was alive (he was the sheik of a tribe), but not now.

  Now that I come to think of it, we had servants for a very long time, but not any more. I had a home help until I married Ali, but things have now changed and the situation has deteriorated so much that I have to do all the work. And because I hate housework and Ali isn’t a tidy person, my house isn’t as tidy or as clean as it used to be. But to tell you the truth, I don’t care, because we no longer entertain or have visitors.

  I must go now.

  Love

  May XXX

  31.01.08

  JACKPOT

  BEE, that was the best text message of them all. Penguin have said yes! Tell me all about it. I think we can say we made it. I can’t express how I feel, can’t really describe it. But, in short, I’M HAPPY. I can’t really believe it. I’ve always wished in my deepest thoughts to do something rarely done by women in my country. And I’ve always wished that my life would come to an end in the UK. I don’t know why I thought this way, but that is how I’ve always felt.

  Before the fall of the former regime I used to say to my friends, ‘All I want is to find true love, and if I have ten years left of my life I would gladly give five of them in exchange for living in the UK.’ And then I would laugh and add, ‘With an open chequebook of course.’

  When you first told me about the book I started to think of our early emails and how you did the phone interview. Then Elsa’s birth and the rest. Then I started to wonder: what have I written, how much private information did I talk about, what will the reaction of our friends and family be? And similar crazy id
eas.

  Ali seems quite happy about the book and he is looking forward to the great event of leaving here. He has started thinking about bolts and locks and such like. He doesn’t like the idea of exposing our lives to the public, but he knows that this is our only chance. I don’t really understand why he feels this, after all we’ve been through.

  Do you remember Ali was thinking of contacting his family after his brother was killed? His family don’t want him back unless he divorces me and declares his repentance in front of all the family, including very distant relatives. My family and I, on the other hand, have always been distant and even if Ali left me I have decided never to go back to them. We already lack mutual understanding, and I think at my age it is stupid to look back, because the future is much shorter.

  Time to go as the electricity will soon be off.

  Love you, wee sister

  May XXXX

  01.02.08

  RE: JACKPOT

  Oh May, when I got the call yesterday I felt lifted up by a hundred balloons! I was round at my friend Terka’s house and we’d been talking about it loads. I was saying I couldn’t bear the waiting any longer and was feeling down. (She works in publishing, and helped me out with the original pitch.) Suddenly my phone rang and as I scrabbled around in my bag I was saying, ‘Oh, please be Adrian, please be Adrian…’ and it was! He said, ‘Good news! Penguin have made the offer,’ and I started to twirl about and shriek and dance. (Terka’s little boy Max had just woken up and looked unimpressed by the cavorting woman in his kitchen.)

  I hope you and Ali have been celebrating. I haven’t told my mum yet, but we’re going up to Yorkshire next week (our anniversary; J. and I are going to stay in a hotel and leave the girls with my mum) so I’ll tell her then.