Talking About Jane Austen in Baghdad

by Bee Rowlatt

  My editor at the news agency called and we agreed that my unpaid leave starts 16 July and runs till 1 Sept. If all goes well, we will be leaving before the end of this month, but I still have to be a bit cautious, as life has taught me to be.

  Love you always

  May

  12.07.08

  Lullaby

  Hello, toddler. You and Elsa will have a fantastic time at nursery together! Dear Ali, that is lovely. I think he realized that you have been doing everything, and needed looking after for a change. You are lucky. In both our lives we need to slow down a little, take care and not get stressed about things. That’s become very clear during the last week.

  Rest assured that when you are in Jordan we will be right on your case; I will be calling you, and calling Kate too to see if she can get any extra information. I have no intention of letting this slip away from us, May. I don’t want it to be like when you were in Damascus. I’m ashamed to admit that when you were in Damascus there was a stage when I just panicked and thought, ‘Oh God, what have I got myself into? I can’t help any more than this and it’s an unwinnable situation.’ I felt trapped. That’s not your fault, May. You didn’t do anything wrong; it was just my reaction. But this time will be different. I don’t want you to feel vulnerable and cut off. We’ll do the job properly.

  Last night an odd thing happened. We’d put the girls to bed and they were writing in their notepads with pencils, in bed. As I tucked them in, I took their notepads and put a kiss mark on each, (I was wearing lipstick). They liked it and were amazed, as if I’d done a magic trick. Anyway, 20 minutes later there was a quiet tap on the door. I put on my cross face and said, ‘WHAT?’ And in crept the girls, both in tears, saying the lipstick print had made them think about how one day I’m going to die. I promised them I wouldn’t die for ages: they’d be old ladies and probably sick of me by then (trying to make light of it) but they were still upset. Zola said, ‘But everyone dies.’ I put them to bed again and sang the ‘Train Whistle Blowing’ lullaby that they love.

  The song brings a lump to my throat when I sing it to them. Like Ali’s, it has a bit where I change the words to include their names (Scrappy is what we called Elsa when she was a bump).

  Train whistle blowing, makes a sleepy noise,

  Underneath their blankets go all the girls and boys.

  Eva’s at the engine, Zola rings the bell,

  Scrappy swings the lantern, to show that all is well.

  Rocking, rolling, riding, out along the bay,

  All bound for Morningtown, many miles away.

  Maybe it is raining, where our train will ride

  But all the little passengers are snug and warm inside.

  Somewhere there is sunshine, somewhere there is day,

  Somewhere there is Morningtown, many miles away.

  Rocking, rolling, riding, out along the bay,

  All bound for Morningtown, many miles away.

  Oh May, in the middle of writing that, it has made me think of you and Ali on your journey. My tears came plopping down on to the keyboard and I’m quite overcome.

  I definitely have PMT.

  I miss you.

  B X

  PS A naughty thing: Justin and I are having a weekend in NEW YORK! He suggested it because he’s doing some filming, so his flight and hotel are covered, and I can just pay for a flight to join him for two days. New York is the best and most exciting city in the world and I can’t wait.

  21.07.08

  Back from the Big Apple

  MAY, hello there, how are you?

  I missed the girls horribly when we were in New York. I kept noticing other people’s children and getting a heavy feeling in my heart. Justin is still out there filming until Thursday. When I came through customs and out into the arrivals area, I couldn’t stop thinking about you and Ali making the exact same journey.

  New York was amazing, but I knew it would be. We didn’t stop for a moment; you have to just drink in the excitement and the atmosphere at every turn. We ranged from the posh Upper East Side, the Met, and the newly returned Klimt portrait of Adele Bloch-Bauer (a blast of nostalgia from the early days with Justin when we went to Vienna) right down to Coney Island and the seaside fairground that hosts the world hot dog eating championships.

  We ate a lot, but American portions are so grotesque that, greedy as we are, we were completely defeated and never once made it as far as dessert. The worst offender was a towering order of ‘Deep-Fried Popcorn Prawns’.

  Write soon.

  Jetlagged hugs

  B X

  22.07.08

  Sudden move!

  May! Oh my goodness. What are you doing? You’ve just sent a text saying: ‘We’re flying to Beirut on Sunday. I’m fed up of waiting.’ I was shocked and contacted Kate on her holidays to find out if this is the best way. I feel a bolt of nerves, or a kind of electricity, in my stomach. It’s put us in a bit of a panic about what is going on.

  B x

  23.07.08

  What’s going on?

  May, May, where are you now? After that flurry of texts, it’s gone quiet at your end and I don’t know what’s going on, but I have a feeling you’re going a bit nuts with all this waiting. It has, after all, taken years to get to this point. I understand that you are on leave from the translating job and the university is on holiday, so you don’t want to waste this time. But I think you have to do what Kate says, as she’s managed many cases like yours and I trust her.

  Thinking back, the contrast between our lives could not be much starker than me swanning off to New York on a whim last week, just flying in there with no visa worries, for pure fun. Did you think that? Don’t you resent it at times? I wouldn’t blame you. I tell you about pleasures like the holiday in NY, in the knowledge that on the one hand it may cheer you up, but on the other it’s like flaunting a freedom that you cannot enjoy, just because of where you were born. It is the wild lottery of nationality.

  When we meet, I wonder what it’ll be like. I’m a very transparent person, very open, and I can be argumentative and indiscreet. I know that you are much more private than me and reserved. You’ve told me yourself that if something offends you, you keep it all inside. I hope you will feel that you can tell me anything.

  I’m very sleepy; it’s humid and my eyes are itchy. Yesterday loads of flying ants took over the world; they were everywhere, horrible clumsy big ones bumping into each other and landing everywhere. I wonder how they all do it on the same day. School has finished today, and they’ve all gone off to the paddling pool.

  Have you had any rest yet?

  Have to go now.

  Bee XX

  23.07.08

  Did I mess up?

  Dearest Bee

  Oh, I think I’ve messed it all up. The visa people said we must wait two more weeks to hear whether we are allowed into Jordan, and there is a possibility that we may be refused because only 50 per cent of Iraqis who apply are accepted. So I panicked and thought we could try Beirut instead. I emailed Kate before I even sent you the text message, and waited. Since I got no response from anyone I thought it was quite alright to go to Beirut, and went ahead with the rest of the arrangements. I’ve paid for the tickets and hotel reservation for three days, sold the car and transferred the ownership to the buyer. Bee, what happens NOW? (Baghdad without a car is miserable.)

  Don’t think it was because of your NY trip. No, Bee, I think you know me by now. I’ve opened up my heart for you and told you the smallest details of my life so I am not reserved with you. It is really the time factor, and the hot prison we live in, that made me panic.

  SHOULD I LOSE THE MONEY AND SIT AND WAIT FOR THE JORDANIAN VISA? OR CAN IT BE DONE FROM BEIRUT?

  Waiting very much for your reply

  May XXX

  28.07.08

  Back to 24-hour eating

  Dearest Bee

  Luckily, we got a refund for the tickets to Beirut and now there is nothing else to do. We are b
ack to the phase of eating all day long. We have breakfast, then Turkish coffee and chocolates, then lunch, then tea with whatever is available, such as cheese and cream and jam or biscuits, then more tea, then fruit, then dinner, then tea, then fruit and so on until we fall asleep from lack of blood to our brains because it has all gone to our stomachs.

  Yesterday we sat and watched TV series we have seen many times before. Imagine, I can even say parts of the dialogue before any of the characters do. It’s so boring. We tried to amuse ourselves by imagining things and planning mischief (all imaginary of course).

  For example, Ali dreamed of an imaginary court for human rights and how he would punish all those who stood against our marriage, sentencing each and every one of them to a hilarious punishment. We spent the whole afternoon joking and laughing like that. Well, I know it is silly but we have to keep our minds busy with something, don’t we? I’ve just finished the tea that precedes dinner and Ali is watching a series about the last king of Egypt, which I literally know by heart, so I thought I would write to you instead and use the blessing of electricity.

  I can’t move without a car in this boiling weather, so it’s best to stay home and shop from the nearby shops.

  Will go now, lovely

  May XXX

  28.07.08

  It’s me again

  Hello again, Bee

  I had to tell you what just happened. I just heard banging on the outside gate (we don’t have bells because they don’t work without electricity) so I looked out of the window and there was a man on a bike. Ali went to see who he was, and he turned out to be the electricity man. He usually comes every two months to read the meter and hand us the electricity bill. We don’t have the payment systems you have – things are paid cash, directly to the authorized person. I know this is not a practical way, but it’s all we have.

  A couple of months ago we received a warning from the electricity company requesting (ironically) an overdue payment. As we had already paid the man who brought the bill, and we have a receipt for the money, I went out and asked, ‘How dare you request payment twice while we get no electricity?’ The man just shook his head, saying that the other man had disappeared with all the cash he had collected and we simply have to pay again. And there is nothing we can do! The same applies for water bills. All this cash must seem strange to you. Banks are just for depositing money, and many people in Iraq don’t even trust them, so they keep their cash at home or buy jewellery for their wives, which they can sell in times of need.

  Anyway, I will go again now.

  Love

  May x

  28.07.08

  Late afternoon sun coming through the apple tree

  Hello, poor bored May (though 24-hour eating is all we did in NYC and it was great, haha). It is a bit like Damascus all over again, isn’t it? Please don’t despair. I’ll talk to Kate soon.

  It couldn’t be more different at this end. We are going on our summer holiday soon and so I have to get everything done beforehand. God, God, God, I want so much to believe in God so that I can pray for help to get over this last and final hurdle. We just need ONE MORE BIT OF LUCK to be on our side to get you and Ali through.

  Our holiday starts very early on Saturday; we’re catching an early (= cheap) Eurostar train to Paris and changing to get a train to Germany. We’re spending a week in Freiburg. Do you remember my stoical old granny? She had a bad stroke two weeks ago and has been hospitalized. On the phone she sounds very depressed. She is fiercely independent and won’t even let anyone else clean her house or help her in any way, so you can see how she would hate being incapacitated. After Germany we’re going off to France for a week, sharing a holiday place with some friends.

  I’ll have my phone with me, so don’t worry about me disappearing and losing touch. Hopefully, during this time, you’ll both get to Jordan and set things in motion. We just need some movement; like you, I hate this hanging around. But we have to keep in mind the wise words of Kate, who remarked: ‘After waiting this long a few more weeks is neither here nor there.’ We have to try to be sensible (we’re NOT, though, are we?).

  Try not to go too mad. Have you dusted down the Snakes and Ladders board yet? Then you know things are really desperate, haha!

  All my love and a big hug

  B x

  07.08.08

  Ill-fated

  Bee, oh Bee

  What can I say? The visa papers have arrived from Jordan. Today is August 7th, but they have been here since the 4th, and no one bothered to tell us. I had called them on the 4th and 5th, but they denied the papers had arrived. Anyway, I went and got them, only to find out that they have written Ali’s second name wrong, which means the papers have to go back to Jordan for correction.

  I applied for the papers to be corrected, and the man at the document delivery company warned me that it would take at least a month to go and come back. I nearly collapsed. I tried asking him if there was any other way but he said absolutely not. The taxi was waiting for me outside and I was weeping behind my sunglasses. I dreaded reaching home. Ali called while I was on my way back and he sensed that there was something wrong. Finally, I arrived home and we both broke down in tears. Imagine, Bee, after all that waiting and suffering we have been met by this stupid obstacle. We kept looking at one another, tears just flowing.

  Can this be true? Ali tells me to go on my own and just get out by myself, but I won’t. Nothing in this life is worth us being apart. I am crying right now. Oh Bee, what has happened? Why are we so ill-fated? Do you know what Ali is doing now? He is talking to the visa letter, a mere piece of paper. He is shouting at the man who made this typing error, asking him if has any idea how miserable he has made one particular family by his carelessness, and whether or not he knows that his mistake might even separate this family for God knows how long. I’ll go and stop him, and come back to you.

  It is so heartbreaking. Ali held on to me like a child sobbing his heart out, asking me not to leave him on his own. This is the first time since we met that I’ve seen him like this – my poor big baby clutching on to me. Oh, I can’t go on – I am in tears myself.

  Sorry to disturb your holiday. I hope you don’t read my email until you are back.

  Love you

  May XXX

  08.08.08

  OH NO!!

  Oh May, what else can go wrong? It’s just unbelievable. I am so sorry for you both. It’s as though a new and unexpected obstacle manages to meet us at every single stage of the process.

  I was thinking about you a lot last night, and starting to feel a sense of dread. I knew we were expecting a response any day now, and if you didn’t text me it must be bad news. But even with that sense of dread, I wasn’t prepared for something so pathetic and unnecessary. I can quite see how you and Ali must feel somehow cursed. BUT, May, I have always thought that a big load of bad luck means that the same amount of good luck is on its way, and so it means that you and Ali are due some really wonderful luck.

  It is the last day of our holiday here in Germany and it’s been mixed. This is a place of childhood memories for me, and I love to see the girls enjoying all the adventures that I had here when I was little. But it’s horrible without Oma; she’s still in hospital. We’ve visited her a few times and the last time I washed her hair and put it in curlers (nervously, I’ve never done this before). Her left leg is still partly paralysed; she seems to be making some progress, but she’s in a wheelchair. It’s been a few weeks now but my father hadn’t yet spoken to a doctor, so when we were in the hospital I found a doctor to talk to us about how she is doing, how long it might take and so on. Tomorrow we leave for France, the Auvergne region, to share a house for a week with some friends.

  OK, MAY, I’d better go now. Please tell me what happens next. Keeping all my fingers crossed.

  Love to Ali

  LOVE BEE XXXX

  10.08.08

  Learning more English

  Dear Bee

  Don’t kno
w anything yet about rectifying the spelling mistake, but will tell you as soon as I can.

  As part of our renewed hope, mingled with the new obstacles created by the Jordanian clerk, Ali asked me a new question. He asked what the dirtiest English word was. And I was a bit reluctant, but then told him it was the ‘F’ word. Oh Bee, you should have listened to him practise! He began by repeating the sentences that he learned ages ago: ‘Hello, Bee. How are you? I am so happy to meet you.’ Then he moved on, saying: ‘Bee! F… Jordan, F… President Bush.’ I burst out laughing, telling him that he will be making a great impression. Then he asked if it would be more suitable to say this to Justin, because it was inappropriate to say it in front of a lady?

  I just kept laughing and telling him it was bad to say that to anybody, but I was sure they would understand why he was saying it (hehee). I remember when he first learned to say his famous: ‘Hi, Bee, how are you? I am so happy to “BEAT” you.’ Then it changed to: ‘I am so happy to “HEAT” you.’ Finally he mastered the correct form: ‘I am so happy to meet you.’ I thought a bit of humour would ease the tension we are all going through.

  OK, love, I will have to go now.

  My kisses to you all and a big fat wish for you to have a gorgeous time in France

  May XX