True Beginnings (The Lost and Found Series Book 3)

by Amanda Mackey

  Closing my eyes, I sobbed, feeling detached and alien. Where had I gone? I suddenly didn’t resemble Char anymore. She’d been carefree and relatively happy. This new version had lost something during the robbery. I couldn’t pinpoint what that something was though. I just knew it was missing. Trust? Peace? Ignorance? Perhaps all three.

  I knew I could talk to Mac, but here in Viper’s bathroom, enclosed within the four walls, an incredible sense of loneliness gripped me.

  It tore me open from the inside out like a giant crevasse. Moments ago I’d been sitting ogling an arrogant, confusing, yet hot male, and now I couldn’t even pick myself up from the bottom of the shower stall. Despair and hopelessness carried me away. I sunk into the nightmare playing over and over in my mind. Tormenting me. Attempting to break my will.

  I let go completely, shaking and inconsolable.

  I didn’t feel my body being lifted because when I came to I was moving, crushed up against steel coated in velvet. My face pressed against skin, a tempo beating underneath it.

  Blinking and focusing more, I realized vaguely Viper must have broken the bathroom door down and picked me up. Carefully I was placed down on a soft bed. Deep murmurings echoed closely as I felt the bed dip beside me.

  Blanketed by warmth akin to a furnace, I settled, letting it seep into my pores. A strong arm came under me and pulled me in closer.

  “I got you. Sleep now, Red.”

  Darkness washed over me.

  ***

  Disoriented and stiff, I attempted to roll over, but I had been pinned down on my back. Opening my eyes, a heaviness draped over me. My skin burned and beads of sweat slithered down my brow.

  Realizing Viper had attached himself to me like jellyfish tentacles, my breath caught. Every part of him was pressed into and across me. Only half of my body remained visible. He’d kept his jeans on, but his upper body was naked. Oh, my! His head was pressed into my neck so that his deep breathing blew wisps of hot air onto my skin. One leg crossed over both of mine, and his torso, which weighed a ton, had my right breast mashed underneath.

  I desperately needed to pee but didn’t know how to go about waking him. I was pretty sure when he realized how close we were he would go all psycho again, and to be honest, I’d enjoyed his more placid side before I’d had my meltdown.

  Holding off for a moment, I simply basked in the feel of him. It had been way too long since I’d woken in bed with a man. And never had I awoken with a soldier whose muscles were chiseled to perfection. I could still smell remnants of shampoo in his hair and flickers of aftershave accented the aroma. Hell. I was in fiery, sizzling glorious hell.

  My bladder threatened to explode, so I had no choice but to move. Pushing out from under him, he stirred and I froze, wondering what his reaction would be.

  “Hmmm,” he mumbled, rolling onto his back and flinging an arm over his face. Light had begun seeping in at the corners of the closed blinds. Checking him out some more, I gasped at the bulge in his groin. Crap! Had I done that? Or was it simply a case of male morning wood?

  Inching off the bed, I furtively kept watch. Just as I thought I was home free with just my knee on the mattress, arresting hazel eyes pinned me in place.

  I felt mortified. Like I’d done something wrong. His bleary eyes blinked a couple of times and then cleared. The moment recognition set in, he sat up ramrod straight. He scanned me from head to knee, where I still perched like I’d turned to stone. He paused at my bare legs and then found my chest, which I was afraid to look at because the tingling washing over me led me to believe my nipples had betrayed me and hardened.

  His jaw tightened. “Uh, I need to go. You okay to get breakfast? There’s food in the cupboard.” He turned from me, rose, and walked into the bathroom connected to his room without a glance back.

  I whispered a “yes,” which I doubt he even heard as the door slammed shut.

  Just as I’d suspected, except without a verbal lashing.

  It wasn’t my fault. He could have left me in the shower. He hadn’t needed to carry me to bed, strip his shirt off, and crawl in beside me.

  I got you. I got you. I got you. The words rang in my head like some damn melody. Why had he said those words last night and this morning he couldn’t escape me quick enough? Gah! Frustrating didn’t cover the man. Then again, wouldn’t anyone have said the same words to another person on the verge of a breakdown?

  The shower switched on, so I headed to the second bathroom to pee before moving to the kitchen to make coffee and breakfast, not knowing what I was supposed to do all day. Not one to sit idly, I checked the freezer and found some bacon, then found the eggs sitting in a bowl on a counter beside the cooktop.

  Searching the cupboards, I grabbed a pan and set about making breakfast, needing to keep busy or my mind would unravel back to my ordeal. Waking next to Viper had helped push things aside temporarily, but I wasn’t sure how long that would last without me succumbing to a panic attack or worse.

  Mac would be working all day, so there wasn’t really anyone I could call on. My parents lived in Dallas, along with most of my cousins, and my two brothers were scattered. One lived in London, working for a law firm, and the other was traveling around Europe like a wandering nomad. Half his luck. The idea of it sounded pretty good. Taking off wherever and whenever I felt like it. Being that free.

  I’d been posted in Ann Arbor for my internship and had stayed on at University Hospital ever since. The town had grown on me and I’d met Mac and settled into a comfortable life. Nothing had ever really bothered me. Until my attack. Now I wondered if I could remain in the town that has given me everything and then taken it just as quickly.

  Flipping the eggs and bacon, I lowered the heat and set the table for two. Viper would be hungry, and I didn’t want to seem like I was mooching off him while I was here. I’d earn my keep.

  Actually, the idea of cooking for someone else made me smile. It seemed homely and normal. Often, before work, I’d grab a protein bar or something and be on my way. A fully cooked breakfast was a rarity.

  Hearing a sound behind me, I spun to find Viper standing in the kitchen opening, hand in his hair, an odd look on his face as he watched me dish up the food. He had paused and so had I. If I’d thought he looked edible when I’d woken earlier, he had just fully surpassed that.

  Wet scalp with his short haircut spiky all over with droplets easing a slow path down the side of his face and neck, which he made no move to wipe away. His low hanging sweats told me there was a trail of mass destruction slightly further south. His pecs mounded above his eight pack that resembled corrugated iron, and I officially was a goner. Swooning when I had no business doing so because I hated the guy. Remember? Hated with a passion. Even the word passion had me blush as I thought it.

  I raised my head and found him glancing between the table and me as if my making him breakfast confused him.

  “Ahh, I hope you don’t mind. I was kind of hungry.”

  Since when did I sound like such a timid mouse? Confident Char had left the building with Elvis. The view in front of me made me nervous to the point of not being able to form an adult sentence.

  His slight nod pleased me because he hadn’t gone all rogue and asked what the hell I thought I was doing. He did speak, though. “You gonna dish that last piece of bacon up or stand there gawking all day?”

  Spell officially broken. Looking down, I noticed the tongs were dangling above his plate with the bacon scrunched up.

  Dropping it onto his plate, I turned and put the pan in the sink, sucking in a breath as if it might be my last, the air suddenly very thin.

  Chill, Char. You can do this. You can sit and eat a civil meal without an argument or saying anything snide. He has taken you into his home, so be nice no matter what. Be the bigger person.

  The chair scraped out as he sat, my back still facing him. Steeling myself for the sight I’d have to get used to, I managed to mask my interest in his body and shuffle to the chair oppos
ite.

  My plate became my focus as I shoveled the bacon in, not caring if I resembled a pig. The hollow empty feeling inside needed filling and bacon had jumped to the top of the list.

  Viper cleared his throat. “Umm, about this morning. I…uh…was asleep and didn’t know what I was doing.”

  Keep your eyes on your food, Char. Don’t look. Don’t look. So he had known I’d been cocooned underneath him for a good portion of the night. And now the excuses came. Of course.

  “Whatever. It meant nothing.” Liar. Needing to swallow my pride, I continued, talking to my cooling eggs. “Thank you.”

  A long breath out sounded and then the clang of a fork being placed down. “For?”

  Oh, don’t give me that. Don’t make me spell it out for you.

  “For, you know. Getting me out of the shower. I don’t remember you breaking the door down.”

  More heavy breathing. I couldn’t keep my head down any longer. Slowly and painfully I raised my chin, taking him in from the waist up as I went. Dear Mother of God. He better not think he could walk around shirtless the whole time I stayed because that would be just plain cruel.

  “I’m not in the habit of saving damsels in distress, but you sounded…broken.” He frowned, his mouth flattening. Eyes wounded.

  Embarrassed he’d witness that, I whispered, “I’m sorry.”

  Slanting his head slightly as if garnering my mood, he offered, “Don’t apologize, Red. Happens to all of us.”

  Realizing he’d been through way more than me, and suddenly feeling like a wuss, I asked, “How do you do it? Cope, I mean.”

  “Deal?” He laughed but it wasn’t filled with humor. More like sarcasm. “You think I deal with everything?”

  “I guess. You always seem so…cool and in control.”

  He licked some of the bacon fat off his lips, leaving them glistening. I rose and poured myself a glass of water, needing to cool the burn. Swigging the entire glass, I filled it again before returning to my place.

  “Like I’ve said before, you don’t know me.” It came out angry.

  “You’re right, I don’t, but hopefully we can get to know each other a little more while I’m here.”

  He glared at me, nostrils flaring. Without another word and food still on his plate, he thrust his chair back, picked up a set of keys from the counter, and strode out through the door into the garage. When his SUV tore away, I wondered again what the hell I’d said or done. Talk about moody females. They had nothing on Viper.

  My appetite suddenly waned, leaving me with a churned stomach. What an ass. I’d been attempting civility between us and thought we’d been making progress but obviously not.

  At this rate, I’d be calling Mac and telling her I wanted to leave today.

  Chapter Nine

  Viper

  Damn woman! My house walls were closing in around me with her there. I should never have agreed to let her stay. Those fucking wounded green eyes got me every time and I hated it.

  Finding her in my shower, unable to form coherent words last night had chipped away a layer of my shield. Carrying her crumpled body into my bed, like some wounded soldier I’d had to pull out of harm’s way, my inner rescue warrior had taken over. Get to safety at all costs. But it had been more than instinct. Feeling her soft, wet skin beneath my fingers, her tangled red mane hanging loosely after I’d returned to the bathroom for a towel to dry it, had nudged a faraway place inside of me I wanted to keep locked in the vault. Opening the doors to my vulnerable side only caused pain. Weakness. If there was one thing I’d had driven into me years earlier was in order to cut it as one of the military elite, weakness wasn’t tolerated. Weakness was reserved for pussies who weren’t protecting their countries.

  Why then, seeing Char in such a vulnerable state, had I felt the need to comfort her? Viper the badass didn’t do comfort. Especially not to a frustrating woman whose fire only served to fuel mine. It didn’t make sense. So when she’d gone all sappy about wanting to get along and know me better, I’d stormed out.

  The very real fact that I’d somehow unconsciously draped myself around her in the night, feeling her glorious body soft under my steel, had me all kinds of jittery. The hard on that had come with it couldn’t be explained any other way except she was stunning. Under normal circumstances and if I were a normal civilian, she would have been screaming my name real quick. But I wasn’t normal. Couldn’t ever be normal.

  I’d become a prisoner of war in my own head. Shackled to the thrill of fighting. The necessity to be part of a finely tuned team. Invisible iron bars caging me into all things war.

  Pulling into the lot of Forest Hill Cemetery, I killed the engine and sat in a stupor, wondering how I’d managed to steer my way across town without crashing.

  A wind had picked up, thrusting dry leaves across the hood of my vehicle. Trees rustled as I opened my door and walked the familiar route.

  Most people disliked graveyards, but I found an odd comfort in them. Perhaps because I knew my parents rested in the fourth row down and I found refuge in the quiet solitude of such hallowed ground.

  Stopping in front of a double headstone, I bowed my head, saying a prayer before sitting on the raised concrete burial plot.

  “Hey, Mom. Dad. It’s been a while since I last visited. Things have been kind of crazy. But you knew my life was never going to be normal when I enlisted.”

  Sighing, I glanced around the cemetery. I had the place to myself. Fresh flowers adorned some headstones while others decayed, the writing barely visible.

  “I miss you guys. Dad, even though you were tough on me, I see now you were only trying to teach me right from wrong. It helped me become the soldier I am today. It taught me to be able to stand on my own two feet. To be independent and not needy. I couldn’t see it at the time and thought you were just being a dick, but I see now. Everything you pushed at me, everything you corrected me on, hardened me for battle. I wouldn’t have survived the military otherwise. Mom. Dear, sweet Mom. How I miss your hugs. Your faith in me. I can’t imagine what you went through when I went to war. The stress you must have endured. You never once asked me to give up what I loved even though it killed you inside, not knowing whether your only son would return. You tried to keep the good in me. But I feel like I failed you. I’m not good. Not anymore. War forced it out of me. My very passion destroyed the one thing you wanted to remain within me. Now I don’t know who I am. Who I’ve become.”

  A car pulled up a little way away. Turning, I watched an elderly man and woman get out and walk to a grave, flowers in hand. Kneeling, they placed the fresh bouquets down in place of the ones which had withered and died. Sadness surrounded them. Son? Daughter? Who knew? Like me, they had lost a part of themselves and only had this place to feel closer to their loved ones.

  Rising, I felt calmer than when I’d stormed out of the house. Guilt swamped me at leaving Char vulnerable. My folks would be horrified at the way I’d treated her. My dad would have kicked my butt. One thing he’d always instilled in me was to respect others. That same respect had been shot out of me. Starved from my system when I’d had no food for days. Smashed to smithereens along with the ten bones I’d broken in my body during battle. I barely had respect for myself, let alone anyone else. The only person I could say I truly and utterly respected was Dec. He deserved every ounce of my veneration.

  “I’ll be back soon. I love and miss you both more than you’ll ever know.”

  Walking to my vehicle, for the first time in a long while my eyes twitched with unshed tears. Tears that should have fallen but couldn’t. I wouldn’t allow them to. I couldn’t. If the dam broke, I’d drown.

  At a loose end, not knowing what to do but unable to return home, I drove.

  ***

  Hours later after stopping for a bite to eat at Grand Haven, needing fresh air and sunshine, I returned home.

  The house was quiet when I entered from the garage into the kitchen. Checking the living room, I found i
t vacant as well.

  Stepping into the hallway, a sound broke through. My keen sense of hearing knew it came from Char’s room. Quietly stepping forward, I stopped outside the door, which sat ajar only enough for me to confirm the sound. Crying.

  Shit! What did I do with that? Now that I knew she was upset, I couldn’t just walk away like I hadn’t heard it. She must have known I had returned. The garage door wasn’t exactly quiet.

  Or was she so distressed, she hadn’t heard a thing?

  Pushing the door open, my insides fissured. Lying on the bed, curled up into the fetal position, hair a tangled mess, cheeks stained with tears, lay Char. She didn’t register my appearance as I stalked closer. Had she been crying all day? It looked like she had. Damn. Had I been selfish in leaving her? I only had myself to think about normally.

  “Red?” I asked, voice strangely sincere.

  She sniffed but didn’t lift her head.

  Moving to the edge of the bed and sitting, my hand itched to reach out to pull the streaked hair from her face. Even in her current state, she would leave most women for dead in the looks department.

  My fingers itched. Throat dry, I scratched out, “Did something happen while I was out?”

  Of course something happened. Look at her, dude. Such a dumb ass question.

  “Can I get you anything?”

  Finally, her head lifted as if it weighed a ton. Her splintered green eyes met mine, causing my heart to stutter. The strong, feisty redhead had been replaced by someone I didn’t recognize. Vulnerability surrounded her. Sadness seeped from her pores, and all I wanted to do was search for the fuckers that had made her like this and tear their heads from their shoulders.

  Her lips quivered as she managed to get out four words that robbed me of any thoughts other than, comfort her. Four words. Each syllable was drawn out. “I. Feel. Dead. Inside.”