Distorted Perceptions

by Diana W

  But…

  Maybe I could’ve chosen my words better in regard to his occupation. Could he really blame me for that though? He’s a stranger that keeps pressing me about how I’m feeling and the state of my marriage like we’re some sort of old friends, yet, doesn’t want me to think he has ulterior motives? Oh please.

  I unlocked and pushed open the door. Mouth already watering for a glass of whatever wine I hadn't demolished over the past week. I quickly slid off my pumps and turned to remove my coat but froze at the sight of Elliott sitting on the edge of the sofa, staring at me. The instantaneous desire to fuck him up shot up to one of my eyeballs, causing a twitch.

  "Do us both a favor and leave,” I swung back open the door, clenching onto the knob like a stress ball.

  Not this bullshit.

  Not after the day I had.

  “No, not until we talk.”

  “Talk?” I repeated to the point of amusement. “Talking should’ve happened hmm I don’t know, maybe before you started disrespecting this marriage.” I looked up to the ceiling at what should’ve been a thought of common sense. “Wouldn't that have been more logical?”

  Elliott stood up noticeably frustrated, “If you’d just listen to me for a minute-"

  “Or you can just get out,” I motioned my hand towards the chilled air. “You don’t have a leg to stand on in the department of things you want.”

  “No,” he countered. “We’re married Cass. It doesn’t stop here. Not without us attempting some sort of resolution.”

  What the-Was he serious?

  “Oh, I got a solution for you. You can either getcho ass out voluntarily or involuntarily? Those are your options."

  Elliott approached me and for the first time I noticed how exhausted he appeared. His college sweatshirt and jeans were wrinkled and for him, that was extremely out of character. He was a big believer in always appearing as if you mean business, even if you were in the depths of hell that is Walmart. His beard was even taking on an ungroomed look.

  He stopped at about an arm's length to me and I wouldn’t be surprised if that was on purpose. Probably fearful that I had an extra wine bottle hiding somewhere.

  "Cassie, I know that I messed up," his tired eyes connected down to mine. "But if you'll give me a chance to explain some things, I promise everything isn't what it seems."

  Oh, how I wanted to believe that. Hear him out for the honest man I always knew him to be. Listen to him explain how this whole situation was just a little misunderstanding.

  But fuck that and fuck him.

  I know what I saw, and it wasn't a damn extra credit session, or him helping some defenseless little girl. The way he looked at her told me everything I needed to know. So, no I didn't want to talk because it would only hurt to know his reasons why. And for that, I wasn't ready yet.

  "I can't...we can't talk," I held my head up high, fighting the urge to fall apart. "You made a decision and you, better than anyone, know that decisions have consequences," my eyes watered. "Even before we got married, you vowed to never hurt me," I took a few deep breaths. Stupid tears were threatening to fall yet again.

  "And I've kept that promise to you Cassie, I swear!" His hand lifted like he wanted to cup my cheek but decided against it. "I didn't sleep with her!"

  "Elliott stop! Just stop," I shook off his words. "You went behind my back and that alone says your motive was worth being secretive over."

  "Cassie-"

  "No Elliott. Even after I told you about Shanice....about Julian. You know-"

  "AND I’M TIRED OF WALKING ON EGGSHELLS BECAUSE OF THEM!" He belted out making me swallow the rest of my statement. All of my thoughts went to shambles.

  "I've never made you-"

  "Yes, you have," he interrupted. Nostrils flaring. "But you're too caught up in your own head to see that," his finger went to his temple.

  I stepped closer to him already realizing what time of day it was. “If you wanna do this deflective, bullshit game, do it with somebody who doesn't know any better. Don't you dare try to turn this around on me. Your lying ass," I tried to poke a hole through his chest, "and your lying ass alone is the reason we're here."

  "No, I know exactly why we're here," his tone screamed sarcasm. If I didn't know any better, I would take that as a jab at me.

  "Get out," I swallowed the obscenities that were dancing on the tip of my tongue. If he couldn't admit his wrongdoings like a man, we had nothing to discuss.

  "At some point you’ll need to hear me out," he challenged.

  "Oh, this marriage will be long over by the time I decide to hear you out," I countered.

  His expression told me he wasn’t expecting something as final as divorce.

  “So that’s it? You’ve already sealed our faith? No trying? No nothing?” He exhaled with a shrug.

  Was that it? I wasn’t one hundred percent sure, but this pain and anger I felt in his presence was unhealthy and unnatural. I just wanted to be free of it even if it was temporarily.

  “I don’t know anything right now Elliott except that you can’t be here.” My eyes landed on my feet. “You brought us into this predicament and this is me coping with it.”

  “Please,” he took my hand without hesitation. “I swear I’ll do everything under the sun to gain your trust back, but please don’t think about a future without us together in it. I wouldn’t survive.”

  I wasn’t confident I would either, but I knew that was just an emotion to go through. Plenty of women before me learned how to pick up the pieces from their broken marriages with way more years invested than ours.

  “I need time Elliott,” I withdrew my hand from his. “That’s what’s best for both of us right now.”

  "Time like I need to pack a few more bags or...."

  "You need boxes," I finalized.

  Saying that twisted a knot in my stomach.

  "Cas...ok....ok," he barely murmured rushing out of the door. His pained expression told me he felt the same way.

  I closed and locked it behind him, trying to stop the shooting pain in my chest. I slid down to the floor, grabbing the collar of my dress.

  I couldn't breathe.

  My vision blurred with tears.

  I couldn't breathe.

  What did I just do? I cried through ragged breaths. I could literally feel my heart shattering and I had no idea how to stop it.

  Why would I say that to him?

  I scrambled to my purse to find my phone. My fingers trembled as I tried to press call on his name. The bottle of pain medication prescribed by the ER doctor, rolled towards the kitchen, catching my attention.

  I stared at his name with my finger still hovering over it, and then back at the bottle. What if I never went to the Hilton that night? What would he be doing? Still lying to me? He claimed he didn't sleep with her, so would tonight be the night he would've? Would he eventually come clean on his own?

  As much as I wanted to call Elliott back to subdue my heartache, I couldn’t. We could make up and try to get past this, but I'd never forget. And this ugly scar on our marriage would leave me fighting an internal bitterness. And who wanted to be that woman? Paranoid by every action he'd make. I'd seen it enough to know that I wasn't built for it.

  Chapter 7

  A particular laugh made my fingers freeze above the keys of my laptop. I knew that chord and the signature sigh that always followed right behind it. Despite Sultry's surround sound of instrumental jazz playing, I could hear it as clear as day.

  I took a few steps away from the backroom and did a quick survey of the store.

  Nothing.

  No one that laugh could belong to. The lack of sleep these past few nights must finally be catching up to me.

  Not having Elliott in the house for the first week or two was bearable. It was no different than when he went on trips for work. Now? The one-month mark was approaching and although he hadn't physically moved out, I hadn't seen his face or heard from him since I made that suggestive div
orce comment. I knew he'd been there from the way certain clothes or shoes were shifted around the bedroom but that was the extent of that. Now my paranoid ass was on edge most nights, jumping at every little sound because apparently our house makes tons of strange noises, especially when the damn sun sets. On top of that, me wanting to see Elliott and wanting a divorce lawyer in the same thought were causing extreme insomnia. I didn't want to keep relying on wine as a sleep aid and then have to explain to my nosey neighbors why my recycling bin looks like I have daily dinner parties with the ghost of Rick James. So, for the past few nights, I've been attempting to fall asleep naturally and failing quite miserably.

  "You’re telling me this is the first time you've shopped for lingerie?" I heard Erica's voice nearby. She was being playful and doing a little more than her job when a giggle ended her question.

  "Yeah, I mean should I be under arrest for that?" The smooth bass tone replied sounding entertained by her advances.

  My breathing hitched as my eyes landed on her customer. His back was to me, but it didn't matter. I knew him.

  I approached the two with conflicted emotions. Erica smiled at me, but I couldn't return it. I was too focused on the need for him to turn around. And as if he heard my unspoken request, his head swiveled, and those familiar rich brown, inquisitive eyes fell to me. The world went silent as I stood there staring at a ghost.

  "Ca...ssandra?" Left his lips but not quicker than the right-handed slap that echoed off his cheek.

  A loud gasp fell from Erica's mouth as I stood there fuming. He flexed his jaw, holding his face, but was still staring at me like he was trying to figure out if I was real or not. I, on the other hand, was determining how many more hits I could get away with before I lost my contract with Sultry.

  "I deserved that," he spoke up.

  Erica rushed towards me and pulled me in the opposite direction, towards the back of the store. "Cassie, let's go."

  I resisted and tried my best to get back in reaching range of him.

  "You... are a piece of shit!" I yelled out, fumbling over my own feet. Erica was pulling my arm so hard that my heels were sliding against the newly waxed wooden floors.

  "No, no let her go," he nodded to Erica, one hand still holding his face.

  "Yeah Erica, you can let me go," I glared at him. I'd have one of those silks thongs on the display he was standing next to, shoved down his throat before he could see it coming.

  "No offense sir, but this is a place of business and I can't allow her to do whatever it is she's going to do to you. And neither should you," her grip tightened.

  "I'm cool," I looked back at her trying my best to appear calm. "I just need a minute with him."

  "No ma'am," she shook her head, obviously not buying it, and continued with her tug of war. "Not while I'm on the clock. Can you just... please?" She pleaded. As much as I wanted to continue to resist, I had a brief snap back to reality. Erica shouldn't have to be involved in any part of this.

  I dropped my head and sighed, letting myself give into her. When we made it to the back room, she pulled me into the office and closed the door. I plopped into the chair I was originally working in. My leg bouncing with rattled nerves.

  "Now I know we don't know each other outside of work," she stood on the side of me as I stared at the screen of my laptop, "but woman to woman, don't let no man have you actin' a damn fool on your job."

  Shit.

  I knew that. I knew that well.

  But my dealings with men overall this past month had been a shit storm, and this just threw a whole new element into it.

  "You have no idea the hell that man put me through.” I tapped my fingers against the desk.

  "You’re right, I don't, but is it worth losing your reputation over?" She advanced towards me. Her face more serious than I'd ever seen before. "Your reputation is what got Dan to notice you. What's gotten this whole store turned around. Don't let somebody take that from you."

  Sigh.

  I wanted to ignore her but deep down, I knew she was right.

  Why’d she have to be right?

  I'd come too far with building up my clientele to have it fall apart over unstable emotions.

  "I hear you," I slouched back in the chair allowing my adrenaline rush to dissipate. When I felt comfortable enough not to run back to the front on full Marvel Avenger mode, I gripped her hand, “Thanks girl."

  "No problem at all," she smiled warmly and for the first time I realized that outside of Denise, other people were looking for me to succeed. Weird time for the revelation, but I was grateful for it. "And Cassie?"

  "Yes," I rubbed my tired eyes.

  "I don't consider myself nosey, but I know that's not your husband," her eyebrows hiked like she was awaiting my answer.

  I chose to bite the inside of my cheek rather than offer a confirmation to her correct assumption. Suddenly she wanted to play Inspector Gadget.

  "Hmm." She gave me a quick glance over and then proceeded to the door. "You stay back here, and I'll go make sure all hell didn't break loose. Thank God it's been a slow day. "

  I offered up a quick thank you again, but she had already exited.

  Julian.

  The one person in the world that if I never saw again, I wouldn't have been upset. But out of all the stores, in all of the cities, he decides to reappear after all these damn years in mine.

  Of course, right?!

  Disappeared without as much as a letter, smoke signal, nothing. I often wondered what my reaction would've been if I ever saw him again, and I guess I got my answer. That slap must've been brewing in the shadow for years, revving up enough force and speed to literally knock the taste from his mouth. It felt good too. Really good. And if I saw his pretty boy, freckled-face ass again, I'd wind up my other hand.

  Both Erica and I decided that I should stay in the back for the rest of the day. Well really, she thought I should just go home, but that wasn’t an option for me. It was either be miserable at work with the distraction of other people around or be miserable alone. That obviously wasn’t a hard decision to make.

  Normally I'd be out of the store before closing procedures took place, but folding undies turned out to be therapeutic. I even helped Erica and the other worker, Kate, who came on shift after my whole ordeal, sweep the floors. I said my goodbyes to the ladies as they finished up some last-minute tasks Dan called to remind them about, and quickly walked to my car parked next door, in a lot we shared with another boutique store on the strip.

  I pressed the unlock button on my fob with mind already on the long bath I was going to take with my lavender bombs and climbed in. I started to close the door, but something caught it.

  "Cassie."

  Startled, I looked up to find Julian holding it open.

  "What the hell?!" I held my chest trying to prevent my heart from taking off down the street.

  "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just wanted to talk to you privately," he took a small step back, probably realizing how stalkerish he was coming across.

  "Was it not clear that talking was the last thing I wanted to do with you?!" I pulled the strap of my seatbelt over my chest. "You know what...I don't even have the energy to do this with you."

  "I just want to explain..."

  "Save it," I held up my hand in his direction.

  Both he and Elliott could write a book about the amount of shit they needed to explain to me.

  "How many years has it been and you're just now coming around offering an explanation. Nah, I'm good. Do you mind?" I motioned towards his hand holding onto the door.

  "You deserve an explanation. For everything. For Shanice." His head dropped briefly, tone turning somber. "I'm just trying to right my wrongs with you. Just let me do that and I swear I’ll leave you alone."

  Hearing him even mention Shanice's name made my eyes water. I assumed he could give two shits about me or her. That's what I made myself believe to try and get past his disappearance. To hear him acknowledge her triggere
d moment of weakness for me.

  "Fine," I took a deep sigh. "You can have twenty minutes. Nothing more and it might be less."

  "Thank you. Thank you." He held his hands in prayer. "I saw this twenty-four-hour donut spot up the block. Can you follow me, or I follow you there?"

  I rolled my eyes in the opposite direction, "Yeah...whatever."

  "Ok." He finally let go of the door and walked away to wherever his vehicle was.

  I slammed the door shut and started the ignition. "Why is the universe fucking with me man?" This felt like some cruel joke. The Big Man above must have a sense of humor alright.

  A horn honk alerted me that he was ready, so I backed out and followed suit.

  It was a less than five-minute drive to the place. I found a spot directly in front of the diner's entrance and quickly exited my vehicle. Julian stood there holding the door open for me and I politely glided past him without a glance and headed for an empty booth in the back, nearest the bathroom signs. Although Elliott and I were in this broken state of our marriage, we were still very married and me being out with a man that wasn't him, could look very inappropriate to an outsider. I still respected my vows even if I was the only one.

  I slid in the booth and folded my arms, barely allowing Julian to do the same, "Let's hear it."

  "Uh," he adjusted his posture looking completely uncomfortable. It's crazy how much he still looked like the man who used to sit across from me in the "caf" at school, telling me about his day. His sandy brown hair was still cut low with the waves people swore came from wearing a cap all night. Eyebrows still thick and neat which made my own struggling arched ones a bit envious. He had put on some weight...I mean shit we all did, but it suited him. A step up from the stick figure that used to try and lift me in the air on our walks from class. The only thing noticeable was the absence of his smooth babyface. It was now replaced with this five o'clock shadow situation that I wasn't sure if I liked on him or not yet. Not that I was looking to like anything on him. It's just that if I had to sit here across from him...nevermind.