Burn For Him

by Kristan Belle

  “Interior design. I can be boring sometimes, but we’re pretty busy at the moment.” I loved my job most of the time, especially when we were kept busy. Sure, you got the occasional pain in the ass who was never happy with what you did for them, but on the whole, it was great seeing your designs come to life. “What about you? Is it just the club?” I felt a little weird asking him these questions now. That was usually the kind of thing that I found out before I slept with someone, not after the event.

  “Just one of many things.” He replied cryptically.

  I didn’t pursue it. If he wanted to tell me, in time he would. We had a lot of time ahead of us to find things out about one another and there was no point in rushing things.

  “I’m ready to go if you are.”

  “Let’s go.”

  He took my hand as we walked out the apartment. As we waited for the lift, I asked him, “So, Milligan. Is that your first name or your last name?”

  He didn’t even look at me as he said, “Both.”

  I laughed. He was such a mystery man.

  It felt good. I felt good. Just being with him felt good. Especially with everything that was happening in my life. I almost laughed out loud as I thought about what Destiny would say when I told her about all of this.

  The laughter died in my throat before it could be released. We didn’t even know if she was going to wake up from this. The doctors seemed clueless as to what was wrong with her. I may never get to hear her voice again, see those soulful eyes of hers. It brought a lump instantly to my throat and I had to concentrate hard to keep the tears from falling.

  “Hey.” When we got to his car, Milligan reached over to wipe a rogue tear that had slipped out. I couldn’t say anything. I knew that if I tried, I would break down and cry. I didn’t want to cry. He had been there for me more than I could ever thank him for and I had known him for less than twenty four hours. It was crazy. I didn’t want to keep crying on his shoulder. I was stronger than that.

  “Are you okay?” He asked, looking deep into my eyes.

  I nodded. He carried on looking at me as if he knew it was an out and out lie, but he didn’t call me out on it. He simply unlocked the door and we set off towards the hospital in silence.

  Harper and Michelle were still sitting it the waiting room when we got there. They didn’t look quite as cosy as I thought they might of after a long night of talking, but they did look very comfortable together so I guessed things were going quite well for them. Every cloud has a silver lining and all that. Milligan was certainly my silver lining.

  As soon as the thought crossed my mind, I was flooded with guilt once again. I would have happily taken back last night, this morning and everything that had happened with Milligan if it meant that Destiny would be okay again. Nothing was worth risking her life.

  Milligan must have sense the direction of my dark thoughts as I tried to pull my hand away from him and he squeezed my fingers reassuringly. I couldn’t look at him. I knew that if I did, my eyes would have been lost in his and all sensible thought would go out the window. Would I really have given up what I had felt with Milligan? Yes, I was pretty damn sure I would. All those years of loyalty and friendship meant so much more to me than just one session of mind-blowing sex.

  I had to get myself together. This was getting ridiculous. I had to do this on my own. Milligan was a stranger and I couldn’t rely on him. As we approached where Harper and Michelle were sitting, I casually let go of Milligan’s hand and brushed my fingers through my hair. I needed to let go of him, to sever that physical contact so I could try and think straight. I kept my eyes on Harper. I didn’t want to see the questions in Harper’s gaze.

  “Carrie.” Harper glanced up when he saw us standing directly in front of him. I noticed that although they didn’t look together, he and Michelle were sitting very close to one another. I was happy for him. I knew why he was taking things slowly with her, and it was the right move for him. I hoped that it worked out for them.

  I also hoped that he wasn’t feeling the same sort of guilt that I was going through. He smiled at Michelle fondly as he stood up to hug me. That was much better. There was no guilt standing in his arms. This was pure friendship, no complication. This was the link I needed to clear my mind.

  “How is she doing?”

  “No change yet.” He replied with a solemn expression.

  “What’s wrong with her? Haven’t they said anything yet?”

  “No. They have no idea what’s going on with her. They’ve done test after test and they’re still clueless.”

  “Will she wake up?”

  Harper was quiet for a moment and he wouldn’t look me in the eye until I forced him to turn and face me. “Carrie, they don’t know. They don’t know what’s keeping her under, so they can’t tell us if she’s ever going to come out of it. They just don’t know.”

  I didn’t know what to say to him. There was nothing that I could say. We stood there in silence for a moment.

  “You should go home and try and get some rest.” I said finally.

  “I’m fine.”

  “Well, you look like shit.”

  “Thanks.” He laughed.

  “Seriously, you need to go and try and get some sleep. It’ll do you some good.”

  “Yeah, I guess. You’re looking much brighter for having some ‘rest’.” Harper grinned as he threw a look over at Milligan, who was sat making small talk with Michelle.

  Another wave of guilt ran through me. Harper knew me all too well. He knew exactly what me and Milligan had been up to. I felt ashamed. I glanced back over at Milligan with blank eyes and he smiled over at me, confusion furrowing his brow. All I could manage in response was a slight turn of my lips in a weak smile.

  “Are those my jeans?” Harper asked suddenly. “And that’s my shirt!”

  I didn’t know what to say to him. I was already mortified and this was just making it all worse. “Yeah. His clothes got wet. I hope you don’t mind?”

  “Wet?” Harper quirked an eyebrow at me, “I don’t think I want to know.” He grinned.

  “Don’t, Harper. I shouldn’t have done that. I feel awful about it.” I whispered into his shoulder.

  “You shouldn’t feel bad. I don’t think that there is a better way to relieve this kind of stress. Don’t regret what happened.” He smiled at me and I punched him lightly on the arm. He always knew how to make me feel better about myself.

  It wasn’t like that. I shouldn’t have been thinking about my pleasure or guilt at a time like this. Everything about Milligan was taking my mind away from Destiny, and that was what was wrong. I had to get my priorities straight.

  “Don’t beat yourself up about it. Do you like him?”

  I nodded.

  “So, what’s the problem then? Why not? Just think of all the stories that you will be able to tell Dee when she wakes up.” I knew in a way that he was right, as I had that thought myself. Destiny would love to hear about all of this. I smiled at Harper, glad that he could make sense out of this mess. He was my rock. He was the one I could depend on.

  “You will call me if anything happens, right?” Harper asked.

  “Of course I will.”

  “We’d better get off then.” Harper signalled over to Michelle that he was ready to leave.

  “Take it easy on the drive home.” I warned him. I didn’t like the thought of him driving when he was so tired. I hated imagining him having an accident and both of my best friends ending up here at the hospital.

  After Harper and Michelle had left, I sat down on one of the uncomfortable blue plastic chairs in the waiting room next to Milligan, absentmindedly flicking through an out of date magazine.

  “How are you holding up?” he asked me.

  “I’m okay, I guess. It’s all the waiting around and not knowing that’s the hardest part, I think.”

  “Excuse me?”

  I looked up to see a nurse hovering over me. “Yes?”

  “You
can come in and sit with Destiny now. Only for a little while, mind you. We still need to keep her quiet and closely monitored.” It was the same nurse that had been on duty when Dee had been brought in.

  “Really? I can see her?”

  She smiled at me warmly. “It won’t do any harm.”

  I turned to grin at Milligan, but the nurse quickly added, “Only one visitor at a time for the moment. She’s still under close observation.”

  “You go to her. I’ll be here waiting for you when you come out.” Milligan assured me.

  “I can make my own way home.”

  “No, I’ll be here.” He insisted.

  I didn’t ask him if he was sure or if he minded me leaving him. It was up to him if he wanted to wait. I needed to see her. Sure, I knew him intimately, but it had still only had been for less than a day. Destiny was like family to me. Nobody could or would stop me from going to her.

  I glanced back at him just before I followed the nurse down the corridor and out of sight. There was a hard look in his eyes. A look that made me feel uneasy for a moment. I couldn’t read what it was, but it made me want to look away quickly.

  I forgot about it as soon as I walked into the hospital room. Destiny looked so small lying in the middle of the hospital bed. She was hooked up to so many wires and monitors that I didn’t know which led to what.

  “Just be careful with her.” The nurse said as she checked over the bleeping machines. “Talk to her. She may be able hear you. There have been many coma patients that have reported being able to hear their loved ones while they’re under.”

  “Do you believe that?” I asked her dubiously.

  “I really do.” She patted my hand gently, in a motherly fashion. “It’s all worth a try, sweetheart. Anything’s worth a try, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, I guess it is.”

  It really wasn’t all that easy, though. Dee was always the one that was such a chatterbox that it was really hard for me to sit there and have a one-sided conversation with her. I prattled on, telling her what I knew about Milligan, which wasn’t all that much really. What could I tell her? I knew nothing personal about him. I wasn’t even sure about his name!

  I talked about all the juicy gossip of what happened with Milligan that morning, stuff that I would never had admitted to or told her to her face if she had been awake. I had to admit, it was good to get it out and talk it through to someone, even if she lay there in silence. What happened between me and Milligan had been incredible, the best I’d ever had without a doubt. There wasn’t a whole lot else I could tell her about him. Hell, she probably knew more about him than I did.

  It was a good job that she was sleeping else she would have teased me mercilessly.

  Glad she was sleeping? Who the hell was I turning into? And, sleeping? Was I really kidding myself like that? She wasn’t just sleeping. She was in some kind of coma that the doctors couldn’t explain. What sort of friend was I? I felt those tears of shame prickling at my eyes again.

  “We need to ask you to leave the room for a moment please, Carrie.” The nurse said as she popped her head into the room.

  I nodded. In my state of mind, I didn’t want to be in there right now. I had just realised what an absolutely shit friend I was and I wanted to crawl under a rock and stay there.

  I walked out of the room, touching Dee’s hand in apology on the way out. It seemed like that was the only part of her that wasn’t tangled up in wires.

  I really sucked as a friend. Just when she needed me the most, I had gone off with some guy that I didn’t even know and left her lying there alone in the hospital. She would have never done that to me. I felt sick to my stomach with guilt.

  When I walked back out into the waiting room, I was actually relieved to see that Milligan wasn’t sitting there waiting for me. Even though I had been talking to Destiny’s still form about him non-stop while I was in there with her, I hadn’t really given him a second thought, sitting out there waiting for me. I thought only of him as a memory and as the source of my guilt.

  I couldn’t believe how self-centred I’d been. I was struggling with this whole situation. I needed Harper. If anyone could help me to get my head straight and back on track, it would be him. Being by myself and talking to Dee wasn’t helping matters, and Milligan confused my senses. I needed Harper.

  A nurse came over, tapping me on the shoulder as I turned to sit down, making me jump out of my skin. “Here. Your young man left this for you. He sure is a charmer, isn’t he?” She smiled at me in a knowing manner that made me want to blush. Milligan seemed to have that kind of effect on all the ladies, even those old enough to be his grandmother, or so it seemed.

  “Thank you.” I said to her as I took the note she held out for me.

  All it said was,

  Sorry, I’ve been called in to work.

  Text or ring me when you are ready

  to go home and I’ll come back for you,

  M xoxo.

  I sat staring at it. I didn’t know what it was that made me feeling uncomfortable about it, but it did. Maybe it was because it was all so familiar, like we had been seeing one another for a very long time. I wasn’t going anywhere just yet anyway, and when I decided that I was, it would be Harper I would call, not Milligan.

  If spending all that time with Destiny had done anything for me, it had helped to clear my head. It was all moving too fast with Milligan. Things felt too easy with him, and that was after knowing him for mere hours. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t normal. Sure, I felt something for him, and it was way more than I should have been feeling after only a single night. I wasn’t that sort of girl. I wasn’t someone who needed a man constantly on their arm to feel complete. I was my own person, but my intense feelings for Milligan was blurring that line.

  I shouldn’t be feeling anything more than lust for him, but there was more. Much more. More than I could ever explain to myself. It was like I needed him, needed to feel him. I hated that feeling. I was more independent than that. I didn’t know what the hell was happening to me. It scared me.

  “Are you alright, my dear?” A little old lady who was sat next to me looked over with concern in her eyes.

  “Yes, I’m fine. Thank you. I think I just spaced out there for a minute. I have a lot on my mind.” I smiled at her. She was a typical old granny type, with her steel grey perm and coral twinset.

  “Well, none of us are really that okay if we’re sat in here, are we?”

  “I guess you’re right about that.” I looked around at the other forlorn faces that were in the waiting room, waiting for news on their loved ones.

  “Sorry for intruding, dear. I’ll leave you to your thoughts.” She said as she patted my hand before sitting back in her seat and picking up a dog-eared magazine.

  “Carrie.” I looked up in surprise at the sound of Harper’s voice. I hadn’t text him, as there had been nothing to report. I knew that he needed the rest just as much as I had. I stood up as he approached.

  As awful as it sounded, and I would have never said it to his face, but I was glad that he had come back alone. Michelle seemed nice enough and I was glad that she had been there for him last night, but so much crazy had happened in the last twenty-four hours that I wanted things to be a bit more normal for a while. Just me, Harper and Destiny.

  “How is she?” he asked straight away. I could smell the fresh scent of soap on his skin. He must have hopped in the shower before heading back to the hospital.

  “No change at all. I’ve been sitting with her, talking to her. The nurse thought it might be helpful for her to hear my voice.”

  He nodded. “I don’t see any harm in trying. Anything is worth a try.” He turned quickly as a nurse started to walk by. “Is it okay for me to go in and see Destiny Chalmers?”

  “I’ll go and check for you.” She replied, smiling as soon as she recognised Harper.

  “I’ll walk with you.” He said to her as he threw a wink over his shoulder at me and mouthed
for me to wait for him.

  As I settled back down in the uncomfortable chair that instantly gave me a numb bum, the little old lady turned back to me once more. “Is that your brother?”

  “What? Harper? No, he’s my best friend.” I explained to her.

  “Ah, that would explain it.”

  “Explain what?”

  “How close the pair of you are.”

  I didn’t know what to say to that. Harper really was like a brother to me. I sat back and flicked through a magazine that I had already read through twice. I wasn’t in the mood for any kind of conversation, but I couldn’t be rude to her face. I just hoped that she would take the hint and leave me in peace.

  Harper came back within in a couple of minutes and he crouched down on his knees in front of me. “I’m going to stay here and sit with her for a bit. Why don’t you take the car home and I’ll catch a cab when I’m ready?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t feel like I should leave her. What if she wakes up? I should be here for her.” My voice sounded pained.

  “She has me.” He squeezed my knee gently. “You need to get a good night’s sleep, or you will be in no state for work tomorrow.”

  “Work? Harper, I can’t leave her here and go to work.”

  Harper smiled in a sympathetic manner. If anyone else had looked at me like that, they would have probably got a slap because I hated pity. But, with Harper? I knew that it was only because he cared for me.

  “Carrie, you can’t just skip out on it. We don’t even know when she’s going to wake up. We need to prepare for the long haul, and taking time off work now is a mistake. We have to try and keep a portion of our lives somewhat normal.”

  I would be forever grateful for him for saying ‘when’ and not ‘if’, but I still couldn’t see how any part of our lives would be normal while Destiny was still laid up in here.

  “The hospital has both of our numbers. If anything happens, you know that they will call us straight away and that we can be here in minutes.”

  The way he said it, there really didn’t seem much room for me to argue. If I had my way, I would have moved all of my stuff in her room and stayed at the hospital twenty four seven, but I knew that wasn’t practical or realistic. I didn’t want to leave her, but I couldn’t lose my job. It was that old rock and a hard place situation.