No Filter

by Maxine Morrey

  I ran my hands over my face and pushed my hair back, lifting it up at the nape where it was sticking.

  For once, I wished I could keep my feelings to myself, and not have them spill out. This was another trait I’d inherited from my mother’s side, and another she’d told us was healthy. But right now I was desperately trying to channel the English, traditionally repressed side of the bloodline. I failed.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me you were moving to New York?’

  I saw Charlie stiffen and scratch the back of his head. He didn’t reply.

  I moved and found some shade. He came and stood near me, but he still didn’t speak.

  ‘Charlie?’ I prompted, ‘Why didn’t—?’

  ‘I didn’t know how,’ he broke in, running both hands through his hair, having apparently gone way past the head-scratching stage.

  ‘How long have you known?’

  He looked away and I knew the answer wasn’t going to be good.

  ‘It was confirmed about six weeks ago.’

  ‘Six weeks!’

  ‘I know! Look, I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you.’

  ‘Not very hard, apparently!’

  ‘Libby, you don’t understand.’

  ‘You’re bloody right, I don’t understand! How could you not tell me this? We’re supposed to be friends! Good friends.’

  ‘We are! That’s what’s made it so bloody difficult! How could I tell you I wouldn’t be able to come and chat to you whenever I wanted, drop round after a crappy day and have you cheer me up just by opening the door and smiling at me?’

  ‘Don’t! Don’t do that.’

  ‘Do what?’

  ‘Make it worse!’

  ‘I’m just trying to explain!’ He threw his hands in the air. ‘Libby, I didn’t even know you at the beginning of the year and now I can’t remember what life was like without you in it. And I don’t want to. You’re an amazing friend and I knew you’d be upset when I told you I was leaving. I didn’t want to hurt you. I was trying to find a way to tell you.’

  ‘There have been plenty of times in the last six weeks that you could have told me, Charlie. Times when it was just you and me. But no, you couldn’t do that. You took the coward’s way out and let someone else do it for you!’

  ‘I never meant for it to come out like this! That’s not fair. You know I wouldn’t do that to you.’

  ‘You just did, Charlie!’ I yelled at him. ‘You just did!’

  We both stood there for a moment, just looking at each other. I realised I had tears streaming and this time I knew the exact reason for them. I was in love with Charlie Richmond, and he’d just broken my heart.

  ‘You should have told me yourself, Charlie,’ I said, and began walking back to the restaurant. I needed to get my bag. I swiped under my eyes with my fingers and hoped that the worst of the make-up trails had gone. He caught me up in two strides, and we entered the restaurant together.

  ‘Are you OK?’ Ms Blonde asked.

  ‘Yes, thanks. I’m sorry to disturb your lunch. It was nice to meet you.’

  ‘You’re leaving?’ Ms Brunette asked.

  ‘Yes. Enjoy your stay in London.’ I nodded and left.

  Charlie followed me out. I turned and he bumped into me, his arms moving quickly to my waist to steady me.

  ‘You should go back inside,’ I said, pushing away. ‘I’ve already caused enough disruption and embarrassment.’

  ‘There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, and frankly I’m glad of the disruption. We obviously have something to talk about.’

  I threw my hands up in the air. ‘So now you want to talk?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Fine. What do you want to talk about? How we’re supposed to be friends but I’m the last one to know that you’re moving thousands of miles away? You say you didn’t want to upset me – how the hell do you think it makes me feel to be the last one to be told? And in front of a bunch of strangers who already think I’m an idiot!’

  ‘I didn’t mean for you to find out like that. I didn’t know Candy was going to say anything at lunch. And nobody thinks you’re an idiot. You’re overreacting.’

  I glared at him. ‘Seriously? That’s your excuse? You didn’t realise it was going to come up?’

  Charlie started to open his mouth but I wasn’t done. I wasn’t anywhere near done.

  ‘And whilst we’re on the subject, how the hell does she know anyway? Are you seeing her?’

  ‘No, I’m not.’

  ‘Well, hold that thought, Buster, because she’s got plans on that front. And, just so you know, she’s into spanking, and apparently hoping that you’re going to provide that service, so there’s something for you to look forward to!’

  Charlie’s eyebrows were currently up in his hairline.

  ‘Either way, the least you could have done is afforded me the same courtesy as her!’

  He looked at me, and gave a little shake of his head, combined with a head scratch. ‘Wait. I’m confused. Are you still talking about the spanking thing? Now you’re pissed off that I never offered to spank you?’

  The question hung there for a moment between us and, even though I was long lapsed, I still fought the urge to drop to my knees and fire off a handful of Hail Marys for the thought that momentarily shot through my brain.

  ‘What? No, of course not!’ Which led me to another question that, me being me, I couldn’t keep locked inside where it should have stayed.

  ‘Did you make an offer to spank her, then?’

  ‘No!’ Charlie’s eyes were wide and confused. ‘Look, can we back up a bit?’

  That seemed like a really good idea. The best idea would have been for the ground to open up but I didn’t see that happening, so I had to go with his. I nodded.

  ‘What courtesy are you talking about?’

  ‘Telling me about New York. Obviously.’

  He rolled his eyes. ‘Obviously.’

  ‘You told strangers before me.’

  ‘They only know because they’re going to be working in the office over there with me.’

  I felt sick.

  Charlie pulled me to the side of the pavement. ‘Look, Libs. I’m really sorry. I wanted to tell you. I really did, but every time I got the chance, it was always when we were having a great time, and I guess, a little selfishly, I didn’t want to spoil the day.’

  ‘OK. Can I ask you something else?’ My mother was so right about not listening at keyholes.

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Do you think I’m a bit… dreamy?’

  ‘Dreamy?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Yes. I do.’

  Oh.

  ‘And do you feel that you have to dumb down your conversation with me because of that?’

  ‘What?’ He jolted his head back, his brows knitting together. ‘No, of course not! Where the hell is all this coming from?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter. I just wanted to know. I have to go. I’ll miss my train.’

  Charlie caught my wrist. ‘There’ll be another train. And it does matter. What’s going on? This isn’t like you, Libs. You are who you are and you’re happy with that. Which is good, because you should be. I love that you’re a bit dreamy. It’s all part of who you are, and I really like who you are. I’m going to miss you like you crazy when I go to New York, which is why telling you was such a bloody problem.’

  ‘Well, I guess I know now.’

  Charlie let his shoulders go slack. ‘I guess you do.’

  ‘When do you leave?’

  I saw his glance flick to the paving slabs. ‘In a month’s time.’

  My temper flared up. Again. I couldn’t help it. Blame my genes. ‘Seriously? So, when exactly were you going to tell me? What were you planning to do? Drop a note from the plane? “By the way, Libs, I’m moving to the Big Apple with Miss Spanky Pants. Have a nice life!”’

  ‘You’re being dramatic.’

  ‘I don’t care! I’m entitled to be dramat
ic. It’s part of my “dreamy” personality.’

  Charlie scratched the back of his head.

  ‘Libby—’

  ‘I’m assuming Alex and everyone knows.’

  He blew out a sigh. ‘Yes.’

  ‘And Marcus, and Amy?’

  Charlie nodded.

  ‘I can’t believe Amy didn’t tell me!’

  ‘I asked her not to. But she said if I didn’t tell you this week, she was going to.’

  ‘I see.’

  ‘Don’t be angry at her.’

  ‘Oh, don’t worry, I’m not. I’m angry at you.’

  ‘Great.’ He did the head scratch again and then ran his hands through his hair, mussing it up completely. ‘I don’t know what you want me to say, Libs. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. And I’m sorry you had to find out like this, but what’s done is done. I can’t change it.’

  I felt the fight go out of me. ‘No. I know.’

  Charlie sensed a break in the battle and took a tentative step towards me.

  ‘Please don’t cry. I can’t bear seeing you upset.’

  I swiped at my nose with a tissue from my bag. I was pretty much resigned to the fact that my make-up was now way beyond help. All I needed now was to run into the cosmetics company executives in my current state and my day would be perfect.

  ‘Is it forever – this move?’

  ‘No. Maybe a year, depending on how things go.’

  I rested my head on his chest for a moment. His heart began to slow as we stood there, his hand moving rhythmically over my hair, down my back.

  ‘May I ask a question?’

  ‘Mmh hmm.’ I tilted my head back to meet his eyes.

  ‘How on Earth do you know about Candy’s… persuasions?’

  ‘I overheard her saying it when I was in the loo.’

  He brushed my hair back off my shoulder. ‘Something tells me that wasn’t the only thing you overheard in there.’

  I didn’t reply.

  ‘I don’t understand. You don’t let stuff like that bother you normally. You’ve said yourself you have to find a way to not let people’s opinions get to you if they say something mean. You know all that from doing the blog.’

  ‘I know. I guess it’s different when it’s said in your hearing.’

  ‘Well, it shouldn’t be. You’re just different from them. And, in my opinion, that’s a good thing. Don’t ever think that it isn’t.’

  I gave him a squeeze in silent thanks, and he returned it.

  ‘Did you know already?’

  ‘About what?’

  ‘Miss Spanky Pants.’

  I saw his mouth twitch at the moniker I’d dubbed her with. ‘Yes.’

  My heart did a lurch thing and my stomach contracted, as I wondered how he knew.

  ‘Office gossip can be a very informative thing.’

  ‘You’re not one for gossip.’

  ‘Nope. But my assistant always passes on information that she thinks might be pertinent.’

  ‘What would she have done if your eyes had lit up when she passed on that particular bit of vital information?’

  ‘She’s harder to shock than you might think. Besides, she’s already informed me that she doesn’t think Candy and I would be a good match.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Apparently.’

  ‘What do you think?’

  ‘I think she’s never given me bad advice. Besides, I’m not interested in her anyway. Dating someone you work with can get messy.’

  ‘Would you date her if you weren’t going to be working with her?’

  ‘I hadn’t really thought about it. I will be working with her, so it’s kind of a moot point. My brain doesn’t go to the same places yours does, with all those “what ifs”.’

  Logical, as always.

  ‘You should really go back to them. I’m sorry I messed up lunch.’

  ‘You didn’t. Don’t worry. Why don’t you come? You haven’t eaten anything yet.’

  ‘I sort of lost my appetite.’ I gave a little shrug. ‘Only to be expected when you find out the man you’ve fallen in love with is about to put a whole ocean between you.’

  Charlie’s hand stilled on my hair and I felt his body stiffen.

  I looked up. He was looking out across the river.

  ‘What’s the matter?’

  He didn’t move his gaze. ‘What you just said. Did you actually mean exactly what you just said, or did it come out a bit… wrong?’

  I rewound the conversation in my head.

  Oh. Crap. Not quite how I had planned for that particular revelation to happen. In fact, I hadn’t planned for it to be a revelation at all. In my messed-up state, I’d just gone blathering on. But I guessed it was out there now.

  I drew in a sigh. ‘No. I mean, yes.’

  Charlie turned his head, stepping back from me as he held up his hands in question.

  ‘So, which is it, Libby? No or yes.’

  His voice was tight, his face serious.

  I swallowed. ‘It’s both. No, it didn’t come out wrong. And yes, I meant it.’

  Charlie looked away, squinting as the sunlight bounced off the Thames. After a moment he shook his head, his eyes still averted.

  ‘I have to get back to work.’

  ‘Charlie.’ I stepped towards him. ‘I didn’t mean to tell you like this.’

  ‘Don’t, Libby, please. You’ve just berated me for not telling you I was leaving and all this time, you’ve been holding onto something like that!’

  ‘There’s no “all this time”! I didn’t even know until recently, and I wasn’t about to blurt it out if I wasn’t sure and risk ruining our friendship!’

  ‘I have to go,’ he said again, not looking at me.

  ‘So go, then!’

  He flicked his glance down to me, held mine a moment, then turned on his expensive heel and began walking back towards the restaurant. I watched him stride off, my chest burning as it struggled to keep all the hurt inside. Turning away, I put my head down and began heading for London Bridge station.

  Hearing footsteps approaching fast behind me, I made to move out of the way, only to find Charlie back beside me. He caught my arm and pulled me to the side.

  ‘You can’t just go around doing that, you know!’

  ‘I don’t… doing what?’

  ‘Telling people you’re in love with them with no warning. It’s just not… you just can’t do it!’

  I threw off his hand in anger. ‘It’s not something I make a habit of, Charlie! And I realise that I didn’t do it in the best way possible, but it wasn’t supposed to happen like that.’

  ‘But you did plan on telling me?’

  ‘Yes. Maybe…’

  ‘Why?’

  I looked up and met his eyes. There was none of the warmth there that I was used to seeing when he looked at me. Today they were the blue of glacier ice.

  I hesitated, feeling the chill through my bones. ‘Because when something’s important, you should say it.’

  ‘Even if it means ruining a friendship.’

  I swallowed hard.

  ‘Does it mean that, then?’

  He scratched the back of his head. Dropped his hand. Then repeated the action with his other one.

  ‘Look. I know you believe in all this being open stuff. But sometimes it’s best to keep things to yourself.’

  ‘So, is that a yes to the friendship ruination question, then?’

  ‘I don’t know. Five minutes ago you were in love with my best mate, and now this? What am I supposed to think?’

  The tears that had been pooling spilled out.

  ‘That’s unfair, and you know it! I never said I was in love with Alex. I liked him, but it didn’t work out.’

  ‘So what? You thought you’d try the next one in line?’

  His words were like a punch to my heart. My mouth dropped open and it took me a moment to find my voice as I desperately tried to keep the pieces of my heart together.


  ‘You’re right, Charlie. I never should have said anything. I realise that now. But maybe it was a good thing because at least now I know what you really think of me. Enjoy your lunch. Try not to choke on it!’

  I stepped around him and stalked off down the alleyway, all the while trying to stop his words ringing in my head. Suddenly I wished Charlie Richmond were already in New York and out of my life. Although I made a guess that the second part of that had now begun. Fishing in my bag, I pulled out my bug-eye, Audrey-Hepburn-style sunglasses and shoved them onto my face, hoping to conceal as much as possible from the world at large.

  Standing looking up at the destination board, I watched the display change. The platform number for the next train to Brighton showed and a bunch of people began heading off towards it. I remained staring at the board. And then I turned and headed downstairs towards the Tube.

  36

  ‘Darling!’ Gina threw out her arms in her usual ebullient manner of greeting, and then stopped. Reaching out with perfectly manicured, shocking-pink nails, she slid my sunglasses gently off my face. Without another word, she pulled me close in to her sizeable bosom and wrapped her arms around me. I stood there for a moment and then my shoulders started to shake. Gina made soothing sounds and ushered us both inside.

  I was lying on the couch, idly tracing the flowers of its expensive chintz fabric with my finger, when Dad came in an hour later. Gina had obviously filled him in and he came straight over to me, scooched me up and gave me a big cuddle. Which set me off again.

  ‘He’ll come round,’ Dad said eventually as my sobs subsided once more.

  ‘No, he won’t. Besides, I don’t want him to come round. He said something he can’t take back.’

  ‘We all say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment. It’s human nature, I’m afraid. Not a great trait, but not one that’s easy to erase.’

  ‘I shouldn’t have told him.’

  ‘Do you love him?’

  I didn’t even need to think about it. ‘Yes.’

  ‘Then it was right to tell him.’

  ‘Even if I’ve ruined everything?’

  ‘Even if that is the case.’ Dad sat me back so that he could look at me. ‘Libby. We both know you’re far too much like your mother to have ever kept this inside. You’re always bursting with things to say and feel. And Charlie knows that’s just your way, too. He knows you couldn’t have not told him. It’s just taken him by surprise.’