by Duncan Ball
To all the gorgeous, handsome, intelligent,
dedicated and discerning librarians who have
chosen this book for their libraries.
AUTHOR’S NOTE
These stories truly are unbelievable. But I, for one, believe them — every last one of them including the truly amazing last one of them. Every time Selby rings me to tell me another story it leaves my head spinning. What a life he leads! Magic wands. Flying jets all by himself. Lost in the Sahara Desert.
Imagine how I felt when the phone rang in the middle of the night and Selby said, ‘Guess where I’ve been?’
I began guessing the most exotic places I could imagine from far-off galaxies to a trip to the bottom of the loo. Finally he interrupted me.
‘I’ve been to a place where no dog has gone before.’
‘To a flea circus?’ I said.
‘Very funny,’ he said. ‘No, I’ve been to another universe.’
‘You. Are. Kidding!’ I said.
‘No. I’m. Not!’ he insisted. And that’s when he told me the most fantastic — and creepy — story yet. (It’s in the middle of this book somewhere.)
Of all Selby’s stories in this book, the one that touched me most deeply was the one about his kangaroo poem. Just between you and me, Selby’s poetry isn’t the greatest. But in the heart-warming story, ‘The Poem that Stopped Bogusville', you’ll see that it isn’t the poetry but the story in the poem that really matters.
I hope the stories in this book matter to you.
P.S. Look out for my cool inventions — the exclamation-comma () and the question-comma (). They can be used in the middle of a sentence.
CONTENTS
Cover
AUTHOR’S NOTE
LOST
SELBY FLY–GUY
ROOM RAGE
SELBY’S SHRINK
QUIZ WHIZ
SAHARA SELBY
SELBY ON THE NOSE
SELBY FLIPS
SELBY UNFLIPS
SELBY’S SIGHT
THE POEM THAT STOPPED BOGUSVILLE
GARY GAGGS’ FAVOURITE KANGAROO JOKE
THAT SORT–OF SMILE
SELBY SORCERER
FOUND
SELBY SNAPS!
SELBY’S JOKE BOOK
PIGGOTT PLACE
PIGGOTTS IN PERIL
Acknowledgements
About the Author
BY THE SAME AUTHOR
Copyright
Lost
SELBY FLY-GUY
‘Oh, no!’ Selby gasped. ‘I’m flying a jumbo jet all by myself! And I don’t know how to fly! Come to think of it this never would have happened if it hadn’t been for that stupid fly! And we’re all going to die. We’re going to die because of a fly! Oh woe woe woe.What am I going to do?!’
Selby glanced back at the pilot, lying unconscious on the floor of the cockpit.
‘I’d better say something to the passengers,’ he thought. ‘Let’s see now …’
Selby turned on his microphone.
‘Your attention, please,’ he said. ‘This is your captain speaking. We are now cruising at an altitude of twenty-five thousand feet. Sorry about the take-off. It should be a smooth flight from now on.’
Selby swivelled around in the pilot’s seat and opened the door a crack. He looked back at all the passengers sitting happily in their seats.
‘Oh, and by the way,’ he added, ‘if there’s anyone who knows how to fly this thing could you please raise your hand.’
There was a loud gasp but no hands went up. Suddenly people were screaming and stampeding to the back of the plane.
‘Ooops, that may have been a mistake,’ he thought. And then he said, ‘Just kidding, folks. A little pilot joke. Kindly return to your seats and sit back and enjoy the rest of the flight.’
The flight attendant popped into the cockpit and closed the door.
‘Gavin! That wasn’t funny!’ she said, looking down at the pilot. ‘Gavin? Get up!’
The woman bent down and shook the unconscious man.
‘Gavin? Gavin?’ She looked up at Selby. ‘What on earth is wrong with Gavin?’
Maybe it was the terror gripping Selby’s brain that caused what happened next. Or maybe it was the flight attendant’s searching eyes. Or maybe Selby realised that his secret didn’t really matter anymore. For whatever reason Selby said, ‘He bumped his head.’
‘He what?’
Selby steered the plane between two huge clouds.
‘There was this fly on the computer screen,’ he said. ‘But never mind about that. You wouldn’t happen to know how to fly this thing, would you? It’s just that I didn’t go to pilot school or anything.’
‘Hang on, you’re a dog!’ the woman gasped. ‘And you’re flying the plane!’
‘No, I mean yes,’ Selby stammered. ‘I am a dog but I’m not really flying the plane. I’m just sort of pointing it this way and that.’
A look of horror spread across the flight attendant’s face and she opened her mouth to scream. But just as the first part of the scream was passing her lipstick, Selby unclipped his seatbelt, jumped up and slapped her.
‘Get a grip, Sharene!’ he said. ‘Screaming isn’t going to help!’
Selby sat down again, quickly pulling on the steering wheel and bringing the plane under control. He told the dazed woman about how, years ago, he’d learned to talk while watching TV and how he’d been keeping it a secret from everyone ever since.
Then he told her exactly what had happened that day …
Only a short while before, he’d been standing at Bogusville Airport with the Trifles, waiting for the Airpocket Airways jet to touch down. He shook the flies off himself as he listened to Dr and Mrs Trifle.
‘How did you convince Airpocket to fly to Bogusville?’ Mrs Trifle asked her husband. ‘Every other airline has gone out of business. Bogusville people just don’t go to the city very often. And when they do, they drive.’
‘They drive because it costs too much to fly,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘I heard that Airpocket had just bought some of those new AutoJet aeroplanes. That gave me an idea.’
‘AutoJets? Aren’t they huge? They won’t get enough passengers here to fill them up and make it worthwhile for the airline.’
‘Yes, but what I suggested is that they hop from one airport to another all around this area, pick people up and then fly back to the city. The other airlines used tiny planes and just came to Bogusville and then went back. This will be much more economical so the airline can charge less but still make more money.’
‘I see,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘And that’s why they’ve called it their Kangaroo Service — lots of hopping around.’
‘Yes, and these AutoJets are cheap as chips to run because they’re completely computer controlled.’
‘Computer controlled? Do you mean there’s no pilot and co-pilot?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘What if something happens to the computer?’
‘Don’t worry, they always have a pilot on board just in case. But with these new touchscreen computers, all he or she does is touch where it says TAKE-OFF on the computer screen and the computer does the rest. It won’t be long before there are no more pilots. Getting on an aeroplane will be just like getting into a lift. The last one in pushes a button and off it goes to the next town.’
‘Well, it’s nice of them to let us fly for free on the first day of the Kangaroo Service. And it was very clever of them to let pets sit in the passenger seats. Country people don’t like their pets put in cages and shoved in the hold with the baggage.’
‘Their pets don’t like it much either,’ Selby thought, shaking himself again. ‘Oh, these flies are terrible!’
Suddenly something appeared on the horizon.
‘Here it co
mes!’ he thought. ‘Gosh, how will it ever land on this tiny runway?’
‘Here it comes!’ Mrs Trifle exclaimed. ‘How can it possibly land on this tiny runway?’
‘You’ll see,’ Dr Trifle said.
The enormous aeroplane suddenly dived to the end of the runway. Then with a screech it skidded, leaving long ribbons of rubber and filling the air with smoke.
‘Computerised brakes,’ Dr Trifle explained. ‘It could land on a postage stamp.’
In a moment everyone was on the plane and in their seats. A young man and woman stepped into the aisle in front of them.
‘Hi, guys,’ the man said. ‘I’m Gavin, and this is Sharene. I’m your fly-guy and she’s the trolley-dolly he he he. So buckle up and let’s take this baby for a spin. He he.‘
‘He’s very young to be a pilot,’ Mrs Trifle whispered as the man disappeared into the cockpit. ‘And he doesn’t look very pilot-like.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘His cap’s on backwards, he’s not wearing a captain’s jacket and his shirt is out. I’m sort of used to pilots having grey hair, stripes on their shoulders, and who don’t snort and giggle. Gavin looks like the sort of teenager who spends all his free time playing computer games.’
‘He probably does. And that’s who they need to fly these computer-controlled aeroplanes,’ Dr Trifle said.
‘Fly,’ Selby thought. ‘There’s that word again. And there’s one buzzing around my head right now! I wish it’d just leave me alone!’
The fly landed on Selby’s nose and started up into his left nostril. Selby blew some air out, along with the fly.
‘Is he okay?’ the flight attendant asked.
‘He does seem a bit twitchy,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘He might be feeling a bit trapped in here.’
‘I’ll take him up to the cockpit,’ the woman said. ‘He can sit in the co-pilot’s seat and look out the front windows.’
‘That would be lovely,’ Mrs Trifle said.
In a moment Selby was sitting in the seat next to Gavin.
‘This is fantastic!’ Selby thought. ‘Oh boy, oh boy!’
On the control panel was a computer screen with little boxes that said: Check air-conditioning. Test brakes. Move flaps up and down …
Gavin touched one after the other of the boxes with his finger. Each time there was the clicking and clonking of machinery in the aircraft. Finally a box came up that said: Take-off. Gavin was about to touch it but undid his seatbelt instead and stood up.
‘I’ll just get rid of this thing,’ he said to Selby, throwing the cap in a cabinet, ‘then we’ll be on our way.’
That was when Selby realised that he and Gavin were not alone in the cockpit.
‘How did that stupid fly get in here?!’ he thought.
What happened next happened in one terrible split second. Gavin’s back was still turned as the fly tried to force its way between Selby’s lips. With one short sharp puff, Selby blew the fly, which went tumbling through the air and landed on the computer screen. As the dazed fly was about to take off again, Selby reached out and swatted it with his paw.
Before Selby could think to blink, the aeroplane’s engines roared and the huge machine lurched forward.
‘What the —!’ the pilot started.
And he would have said more if the force of the roaring engines hadn’t sent him hurtling backwards, headfirst into the cabinet.
He let out a groan and then went silent.
Selby nudged the pilot with one paw as the AutoJet tore down the runway and shot up into the sky.
‘Gavin!’ he said. ‘Are you okay?’
But no amount of talking and nudging would wake the man. Selby turned around and looked at the computer screen.
‘Now calm down, Selby,’ he told himself. ‘This thing is computer controlled. I know how to use computers. It’s just a matter of touching the box that says LAND and it’ll land itself.’
Selby grabbed a tissue and wiped away the squashed fly so that he could read the words in the box on the screen. They said:
Fatal Error Number 346a
Return to Manual Control?
‘Manual control?’ Selby thought. ‘No, no I don’t want to fly it myself!’
But it was too late: touching the screen by wiping away the fly had shut down the computer. The engines roared and the plane started shaking violently.
Selby grabbed the wheel and held it steady and that’s when he cried out: ‘Oh, no! I’m flying a jumbo jet all by myself! And I don’t know how to fly!’
While he was trying to work out what to do the flight attendant rushed in and said all those things at the beginning of the story …
‘Now you know everything about me, Sharene,’ Selby said. ‘But forget all that because we have a job to do.’
‘We do?’
‘Yes, you and I have to land this baby. So let’s get down to business.’
Sharene sat down.
‘Okay, now figure out how to restart the computer,’ Selby said.
‘But I don’t know anything about computers or aeroplanes or anything. I’m just a flight attendant. I’m good at serving food. Can I get you a cup of coffee?’
‘No, you can’t,’ Selby said. ‘I don’t drink coffee. Now listen to me, Sharene, and listen good. You’re not just a flight attendant. You’re not just a flying waiter. You’re a thinking, feeling, person and you’ve got a good brain and it’s about time you started using it.’
‘But I was the youngest in my family and everyone used to pick on me. I mean everyone has special needs and —’
‘Sharene! That was then and this is now. Do you know all those people sitting back there?’
‘Not personally —’
‘That’s not what I mean!’ Selby said, suddenly pulling the nose of the plane up to miss the top of Gumboot Mountain. ‘We need you, Sharene. I need you. You have to help. Now look at the computer and see if there’s an On/Off switch.’
Sharene looked down at the computer panel.
‘There’s only one that says On.’
‘That’ll have to do. Push it.’
The flight attendant put out her finger and slowly pushed the button. Suddenly the computer started up again.
‘I did it! I pushed it!’
‘Okay, calm down,’ Selby said. ‘There are a couple more steps yet. What does it say?’
‘There’s something that says, Return aircraft to computer control. And then there’s a Yes and a No.‘
‘Touch the Yes.‘
Once again the woman’s finger went slowly out and touched the computer screen. And suddenly the aeroplane was under computer control again. Selby let the steering wheel glide back against the control panel.
‘Phew,’ he sighed as he looked at the screen. ‘Oh, good, it says, Land the aircraft. Yes or No. Let’s bring this baby back to earth.’
Selby was about to touch the Yes box on the screen.
‘No, me, me!’ Sharene said. ‘Let me do it!’
‘Okay, Sharene.’
Suddenly the plane dipped down and touched the end of the runway. It skidded along and finally jerked to a stop.
‘I did it! I did it! I landed the plane!’ the attendant yelled. ‘I’m important! I’m wonderful! I can’t wait to tell everyone!’
‘Er, excuse me,’ Selby said, ‘but there’s one thing I’d rather you didn’t tell anyone.’
‘What?’
‘That I know how to talk.’
‘But that’s really interesting.’
‘I know it’s interesting,’ Selby said. ‘But remember what you said about people having special needs? I have a special need. If everyone finds out that I know how to talk it will ruin my life forever.’
‘It will?’
‘You know it will.’
‘Oh,’ Sharene said. ‘In that case, I guess I won’t tell anyone.’
‘Thanks, Shaz,’ Selby said. ‘I won’t forget this. Now I think you’d better open the door so the passengers c
an get off then you’d better ring a doctor for Gavin.’
The pilot groaned and opened his eyes. He struggled to his feet, staring back and forth from Selby to Sharene.
‘What happened?’ he asked.
‘I flew the plane!’ Sharene squealed. ‘Oh, Gav, I’m a pilot!’
‘You did what?’
‘I flew it! It was easy,’ Sharene said, looking at the computer screen and seeing the words: Take-off. ‘All I had to do was touch the box like this …’
‘No!’ Gavin yelled, as the plane roared down the runway and tore up into the sky again.
‘Oh well,’ Selby thought as the plane shot up into the sky, ‘at least Gavin didn’t hit his head again.’
Paw note: You can read this in the story ‘Selby’s Secret’ in the book Selby’s Secret.
S
ROOM RAGE
Selby was at home alone watching the beginning of his favourite house-fixing-upping program on TV, Room Rage.
‘I just love this show,’ he said to himself.
The Room Rage crew were standing in the middle of the lounge room of a beach house. Outside the window Selby could see surfers riding big waves.
‘As you can see this is a bit of a tired room,’ the man on TV said. ‘The ceiling paint is peeling. There are cracks in the walls. And this furniture is straight from the planet Very Boring. Let’s see what our style consultant has to say. What does this room tell you, Tabitha?’
The woman stood perfectly still in the centre of the room with her eyes closed and her fingers touching her forehead.
‘I love this part!’ Selby squealed.
‘The room is speaking to me, Drew,’ the woman said. ‘I can hear it. It’s getting louder.’
‘What is it saying, Tabby?’
‘It’s saying, “Woods … fields … mountains … people sitting by a roaring fire during a snowstorm."’
‘That’s amazing, Tab! But the house is at the beach.’
‘Exactly, Drew. This house has too much beach. You look out the window and it’s beach beach beach night and day. This room wants to escape from the beach.’
‘But how can it escape from the beach when it’s right out the window.’
