by Duncan Ball
‘Simple. We’ll board it up.’
‘That’s brilliant, Tab!’ the presenter said, turning to the camera. ‘You heard her. We’re going to make this room into a mountain lodge. Okay, we only have two hours till the owners get back. Boy, will they be in for a great surprise!’
Selby watched as the Room Rage crew covered the window with plywood and then covered all the four walls in wallpaper that had a mountain scene. The furniture went into a skip and new mountain-lodge furniture was quickly made from logs and branches. They added a fake fireplace with fake logs in it and a fake fire with flashing red and orange lights. One of the crew made a moosehead out of a brown pillowslip and some wooden coathangers.
Meanwhile, Drew grabbed a stack of old books and cut off the spines. He threw the insides of the books away and started to glue the spines to the wall.
‘And here we have the library,’ he announced. ‘At least it looks like a library. But the great thing is that the books don’t take up any space and no one will have to worry about reading them.’
‘Hurry up! Hurry up!’ Selby yelled at the TV. ‘The owners are almost back and you haven’t finished yet!’
Just as the owners stepped in the front door of their beach house, the Room Rage crew quickly hid.
‘Oh, boy!’ Selby squealed. ‘This is the best part! I’ll bet they love it. They always do.’
Selby watched as the owners arrived back at their beach house. What Selby didn’t realise was that some other owners of another house were also about to come home. That house was in Lamington Drive, Bogusville and the owners were none other than his owners, Dr and Mrs Trifle.
Selby didn’t hear Dr and Mrs Trifles’ feet coming along the path towards the door. Not only that but — just as the delighted beach-house owners came back to their house and screamed with joy — Selby’s owners stepped into the lounge room.
‘What’s going on here?!’ Mrs Trifle exclaimed.
Fortunately, at that very moment Selby saw the Trifles’ reflection in the TV. He quickly put his head down and pretended to sleep.
‘We must have left the TV on,’ Mrs Trifle laughed. ‘We’re getting very forgetful. Look,’ she added. ‘It’s one of those house-fixing-upping programs. I only wish they’d come here and fix up this lounge room.’
‘It’s true that it could use a bit of a clean-up and a lick of paint,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘But it’s okay the way it is.’
‘Okay? You men will put up with anything,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Look at your workroom. You’re turning it into a rubbish tip.’
‘I beg your pardon,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘What you think is rubbish is very important things I’ve collected. Without them I’d never be able to invent anything again. I might just as well crawl into a hole and die. Why, I wouldn’t be able to work on my new Potato Peel Replacer.’
‘Your Potato Peel Replacer? What’s that for?’
‘It’s for putting the peelings back on potatoes.’
‘Who would want to put peeling back on peeled potatoes?’
‘Anyone who’s peeled too many potatoes by mistake,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Sometimes the very best inventions are the ones you invent when you don’t know what people will use them for. My PPR could be one of those.’
‘I’m sorry, dear,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I guess the workroom is fine just the way it is. I think I’m just feeling a bit stressed.’
‘Stressed? Why?’
‘The whole town is stressed. It’s all that end-of-year foolishness the high school kids get into. Jetty is really angry. They put “For Sale” signs in front of her house last night.’
‘Speaking of Jetty,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Why don’t we hire a beach house for a day this week? We can drive there with Jetty and her boys.’
‘Good idea,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Jetty hates beaches but Willy and Billy will have a fabulous time. I’ll ring her right now.’
Suddenly Selby knew what he had to do. The next day when the Trifles were out of the house again, he dashed for the phone.
‘Room Rage’ a woman’s voice said, ‘how may I help you?’
‘I’ve got this room that needs raging — I mean, fixing up.’
‘We get thousands of calls from people who want their rooms fixed up. What makes yours so special?’
‘Well, let me see,’ Selby said. ‘For one thing it’s in a country town and you never seem to fix up rooms in country towns. So that could be different.’
‘Okay,’ the receptionist said. ‘What else?’
‘Well it’s the mayor’s house — that is, the mayor’s mansion.‘
‘Now you’re talking,’ the woman said. ‘When would be a good time for us to come?’
‘Wednesday would be perfect because Mrs Trifle — she’s the mayor — and her husband Dr Trifle will be away.’
‘And who exactly are you?’
‘I … I … I’m Aunt Jetty. I mean, I’m Jetty, the mayor’s sister,’ Selby said, lowering his voice to sound like Aunt Jetty.
‘Why did your voice suddenly get deeper?’
‘Because her voice is deeper than mine,’ Selby said. ‘I mean … did it?’
‘Yes, it did. Will you be there to let us in?’
‘Yes,’ Selby said. ‘And if I’m not, then just open the door. It won’t be locked.’
‘Okay, just give me the address of the house and I’ll need your contact information too.’
Selby could barely wait for the Room Rage crew to come. Finally the day arrived. There was a gentle knock at the door. After a second knock, the door opened and the Room Rage presenter stepped in.
‘Hello? Anybody home?’ Drew’s voice said. ‘Nope, just the family dog.’
Drew gave Selby a pat and then called in his crew.
‘It’s safe,’ he said. ‘Let’s get to work.’
In a second, fifteen people appeared carrying TV cameras and lots of tools.
‘Are you sure this is the right house?’ someone asked. ‘It doesn’t look like a mayor’s mansion to me.’
‘This is Number 10 Lamington Drive, all right,’ Drew answered. ‘Mayor’s mansions in boring little bush towns certainly aren’t like the ones in cities. Is the camera on?’
‘We’re rolling,’ the camera operator answered.
‘Today Room Rage comes from the lovely little town of Bogusville,’ Drew said. ‘Believe it or not, this modest little house is the mayor’s mansion. And we’re standing in the lounge room, the room we’re going to make into a whole new living space. Now let’s see what our style consultant has to say. Are you ready, Tabitha?’
‘Ready as ever,’ Tabitha said brightly. ‘Now let me see what this room tells me.’
Once again the Room Rage style consultant closed her eyes and put her fingers to her forehead.
‘Is it speaking to you, Tabby?’
‘Yes, I’m getting it now. Oh, that’s disappointing.’
‘What’s disappointing, Tab?’
‘It’s saying “leave me alone. I like myself just the way I am.” This has never happened before.’
‘Cut the camera,’ Drew said. ‘And cut it out, Tabby, we’ve got a program to make. We can’t just not change a room.’
‘But the voice of the room spoke to me.’
‘Forget all this voice-of-the-room mumbo jumbo. Just tell us what to change it into. Make something up. And do it on camera or you’re fired.’
‘Listen here, Andrew, if you want to do something to this room then go ahead but I’m not going to be a part of it. Go ahead, chuck out the furniture, paint the walls some awful colour and then make some stupid shape and nail it to the wall the way you usually do.’
‘Hey! Guys! Look what I just found!’ a voice called out. ‘Check out this workroom. It’s a pig pen. There are no windows so it’s dark and it’s just filled with rubbish and lots of weird old contraptions and things. How about giving this one a go?’
‘No, not the workroom!’ Selby thought. ‘They can
’t change the workroom!’
But before Selby could think to blink, Tabitha was standing in front of the camera in Dr Trifle’s workroom with her fingers on her forehead.
‘It’s speaking to me,’ she said. ‘It’s getting louder. I see sun … blue sky … sand … waves. This is so exciting! We’re at the beach, Drew.’
‘And at the beach it is,’ Drew said, stepping in front of the camera. ‘Let’s get to it, guys!’
‘This is a disaster! This is a catastrophe! This is worse than awful,’ Selby moaned to himself as the Room Rage crew took load after load of Dr Trifle’s precious belongings and threw them into the skip in the back lane. ‘Oh, woe woe woe. They’ve even chucked out his PPR before it’s been properly invented! He’ll never be able to invent anything again!’
Selby watched helplessly as the room was completely emptied and the floor was covered in sand. Clouds were painted on the ceiling and a beach scene was painted on one wall. Bright lights were put in along with beach chairs and a big beach umbrella.
‘This is brilliant!’ Drew said, finally. ‘This is not just a room in a beach house — this is the beach! Just what someone from this dry little town would love to come home to. Now the owners will be back in a couple of minutes so hide everyone. Cut!’
‘But Drew they’re not coming back till tomorrow morning.’
‘I know that, Tabby. We’ll stay in the local motel tonight and we’ll come back and hide here when they return. The viewers will never know we fixed the room the day before. Hey, somebody ring the skip company and get them to take away all that rubbish.’
It was a very sad dog that lay on the banana lounge with one paw in the sand.
‘What have I done?!’ he wailed. ‘Dr Trifle’s life’s work is lying in a skip and about to go to the tip. Dr Trifle’s going to crawl into a hole and die — and it’s all my fault.’
A tiny tear formed in Selby’s eye but before it could roll over his lower eyelid and down his nose, it suddenly dried up again.
‘I’ve got it!’ he said, racing to the phone.
‘Room Rage, how may I help you?’
‘There’s been a terrible mistake!’ Selby said. ‘This is Jetty in Bogusville and your Room Rage crew just fixed up the wrong room!’
‘The wrong room?’
‘In the wrong house!’ Selby said.
‘But I don’t understand,’ the startled receptionist said. ‘They went to Number 10 Lamington Drive, didn’t they?’
‘No, they didn’t.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘They didn’t even go to the right street!’ Selby said. ‘The chief of police is going to be really angry when he finds out you ruined his workroom.’
‘The chief of police?! Oh, no! I’ll ring the crew straightaway.’
The night was dark. There was no moon. The people of Bogusville slept silently as a small shadowy figure carrying a screwdriver ran from door to door and climbed utility pole after utility pole until he, too, lay exhausted.
‘Hello? Anybody home?’ Drew’s voice said. Morning had broken but it was still very early. ‘Nope, just the family dog. Come in, guys.’
‘How could you have got it so wrong?’ Tabitha said. ‘The number on the door says 13, not 10. And the street sign doesn’t even say Lamington Drive.’
‘Stop complaining,’ Drew said, ‘you didn’t notice it either. Come on, let’s get things back exactly where they were. Check the video and make sure we get it right. Luckily the skip hasn’t been emptied yet.’
For the next hour, the Room Rage crew worked frantically to put the workroom back to the way it was.
‘Okay, guys,’ Drew said, finally, ‘let’s get out of here before Mr Top Cop gets home. We’ve got a lot of work to do before we get out of this dreadful little town.’
Selby lay down for a snooze but didn’t have his eyes closed for more than a second when the Trifles came home.
‘I can’t believe it!’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Those high school kids have switched all the house numbers and the street signs.’
Suddenly the phone rang. Mrs Trifle held the phone at arm’s length, listening to the screams. Finally she put it down.
‘What was that all about?’ Dr Trifle asked.
‘That was Jetty,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘She’s in a terrible state.’
‘But she was fine when we dropped her off a couple of minutes ago,’ Dr Trifle said.
‘Well, she’s not fine now,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Someone has turned her lounge room into a beach.’
‘A what?’
‘A beach. There’s sand everywhere. She says she caught the young people who did it. They were pretending to be a TV crew. Probably the same kids who changed the street signs.’
‘I think we’d better get over there straightaway before Jetty does something crazy.’
‘I don’t think we have to go anywhere,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Look outside.’
Dr Trifle, Mrs Trifle and Selby looked out the front window to see an amazing sight. There, racing down the street was the whole Room Rage crew followed closely behind by Aunt Jetty hitting them with a huge beach umbrella.
‘Mongrels! ‘Aunt Jetty screamed. ‘You’ll go to jail for this, mark my words!’
‘Oh, happy day,’ Selby thought, as he struggled not to laugh. ‘I don’t think those Room Rage people have ever seen Jetty rage before.’
SELBY’S SHRINK
‘I’m worried about Selby,’ Mrs Trifle told Postie Paterson, Bogusville’s postman and part-time keeper of Bogusville Zoo. ‘I don’t think he’s happy.’
‘Of course I’m not happy,’ Selby thought. ‘I was locked out of the house in the rain. I’m wet and I’m fuh-fuh-fuh-freeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzing!’
‘I see what you mean,’ Postie said, leaning down and patting Selby. ‘He’s trembling all over.’
‘I’m not trembling’ Selby said to himself, ‘I’m shivering. I just need to warm up.’
‘I’ve got an idea,’ Postie said. ‘Why not send him to a shrink?’
‘A shrink?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Do you think he’d be happier if he was smaller?’
‘No, no,’ Postie said. ‘A shrink is another name for a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists help people to be happier.’
‘But Selby’s not a person. He’s a dog.’
‘Yes, but now there are psychiatrists for animals,’ Postie said. ‘I could take Selby to see one.’
‘But what would this shrink person actually do?’
‘I think he’d just talk to Selby using his special shrink talk.’
‘Shrink talk? But Selby wouldn’t be able to understand him. How can it possibly do any good?’
‘It does seem strange, I know,’ Postie admitted, ‘but they say it works. So why not give it a go and see if it makes Selby happier?’
‘Oh, woe,’ Selby thought. ‘If only I hadn’t shivered. This is going to be a complete waste of my time — and the Trifles’ money.’
And so it was that Selby found himself in Postie Paterson’s car on his way to the city. In no time at all they were in the lift of a tall building on their way to see Dr Zigmund Mindbender, the animal psychiatrist.
‘A dog!’ the doctor cried when he saw Selby. ‘I love dogs. It’s so nice to have an animal that isn’t a cat or an oyster.’
‘You don’t like cats or oysters?’ Postie asked.
‘Oh, no, I do like them. They’re just not good listeners. Dogs are the best. He won’t bite me, will he?’
‘Goodness no,’ Postie said. ‘He’s very sweet and gentle.’
‘That’s good,’ the doctor said. ‘Hmmm, he certainly does look a bit twitchy and nervous.’
‘Of course I’m twitchy and nervous,’ Selby thought. ‘I’m scared. I don’t want this guy to mess with my head. If I want to change my mind, I’ll do it myself. I wonder what he’s going to do.’
‘What exactly are you going to do?’ Postie asked.
‘I’m going to talk to him,’ the doctor said. ‘A bit of a hear
t to heart is always a good thing. When I finish with him he’ll be as peaceful as a panda. Just wait in the waiting room for us, please.’
Selby looked around the office at the photos of the doctor with different animals. There were elephants and giraffes, bears and tigers, and even a photo of the doctor with a big snake wrapped around him.
‘Well, they all look happy enough,’ Selby thought. No sooner was this thought thought but he had a second thought. ‘Maybe he hypnotises them. Help! I don’t want to be hypnotised! He’ll have me giving away my secret! If he tries it, I’m out of here.’
The doctor sat down in a big swivel chair next to the lounge.
‘All right, Selby,’ he said. ‘Start at the beginning. Tell me what’s happening in your life.’
‘Hey, is this guy for real?’ Selby thought. ‘Is this a trick? Does he know that I know how to talk? Now he’s really making me nervous.’
‘How have you been feeling lately?’ the doctor went on. ‘I hear that you were trembling the other day. Tell me how you feel now. That’s what I’m here for.’
Selby lay still trying not to tremble.
‘Maybe he can read my mind,’ Selby thought. ‘Maybe he knows that I can talk. That’s it! He can see it in my eyes. He knows everything about me! Oh how I wish he wouldn’t look at me like that.’
‘Let’s start with why you’re here,’ the doctor said.
‘I’m here because Postie brought me here,’ Selby thought. ‘It wasn’t my choice. Oh, I hope I don’t fall asleep on this lounge and start to talk in my sleep or something.’
The doctor got up and started pacing around.
‘The real question isn’t what you’re doing here,’ the doctor said, ‘but what I am doing here? All those years of study and I’m talking to …to an animal.’
‘Oh, phew,’ Selby thought. ‘He’s ignoring me. He’s talking about himself. I guess I can relax. This lounge is really comfy.’
‘Don’t get me wrong, Selby, I do love animals. They’re much nicer than people. That’s why I became an animal shrink. But I do wonder if I’m really getting through to them. They always seem happier when I finish talking to them but maybe that’s because they’ve had a nice rest. What do you think, Selby?’
