by Duncan Ball
‘I think that if I lie here any longer I’m going to go to sleep,’ Selby said to himself. ‘That’s what I think.’
Dr Mindbender sat down and then swivelled his chair around to look out the window.
‘I don’t know, Selby,’ he sighed. ‘I guess it’s all my mother’s fault. I never got to watch the fun TV shows that other kids watched. She made me go to bed half an hour earlier than my friends. She didn’t let me wag school. Do you know what she used to say when I said I was too sick to go to school?’
‘I do wish he’d stop asking me questions,’ Selby thought.
‘Well, I’ll tell you. She used to say, “Just get dressed and you’ll feel a lot better, dear.” Then I’d get dressed and she’d say, “You’re all dressed for school. You might as well go.” It was a trick! And on my birthday, what did I get?’
‘Beats me,’ Selby thought.
‘Books, Selby, books! I asked for a computer action game, Phantom Demon Blood Feud, and I got a book about a talking dog named Selby. I mean it was an okay book but Phantom Demon Blood Feud would have been so much more fun. Bam! Bam! Bam! Splatter! Splatter! Splatter!
‘It sounds okay to me, doc,’ Selby thought.
‘And I wanted a pet!’ the doctor wailed. ‘But no, she wouldn’t let me have a kitten or a puppy. She gave me an oyster Selby. I said, “Why can’t I have a cuddly animal?!” I said, “When I hug Crusty I just get wet!” And she said, “Stop complaining, maybe your oyster will grow pearls. “Well it didn’t.’
Dr Mindbender jumped up and started pacing again.
‘ She was the one who wanted me to be a people psychiatrist. Oh, Selby, do you know how exhausting it is listening to people’s problems?’
‘I think I’m beginning to get the idea,’ Selby thought.
‘So I changed to being an animal shrink. And I love animals but talking to them makes me feel kind of strange. I was talking to an orang-utan the other day,’ the doctor said, leaping up onto his desk. ‘And after him I was talking to a snake,’ he said, jumping down on the floor and wriggling like a snake. ‘By the end of the day I was so happy to talk to a cockatoo, Selby, do you know why?’
‘Why?’ Selby thought. (He didn’t say it. He only thought it.)
‘Because she kept saying, “Hello Cocky.” I liked that. “Hello Cocky.” She didn’t know what it meant of course but at least she said something.‘
‘This guy is really beginning to lose it,’ Selby thought.
‘Do you know what I’d like to be?’ the doctor said, opening the window and jumping up on the windowsill. ‘I’d like to be a bird.’
Dr Mindbender stretched out his arms.
‘Hey, hang on,’ Selby thought. ‘I hope he doesn’t think he’s really a bird.’
‘I’m a bird! I’m a bird! Watch me soar through the air,’ the doctor said.
‘You’ll be pretty sore if you go out that window,’ Selby thought. ‘We’re thirty storeys up.’
‘I’m going to watch the world from the top of a steeple. Watch me fly!’
A huge smile spread across the doctor’s face as he moved his arms up and down.
‘This guy’s about to try to fly!’ he thought. ‘I’ve got to stop him! But I can’t. But I have to.’
Selby jumped to his feet.
‘Stop it! You’re not a bird!’ he yelled. ‘You’re a psychiatrist!’
Dr Mindbender blinked and looked down at Selby.
‘Did you say something?’ he asked.
‘Yes,’ Selby said. ‘I mean no.’
‘You did!’ the doctor said, getting down from the windowsill. ‘You talked to me.’
‘Are you sure it wasn’t all in your mind?’ Selby asked.
‘No, you can never be sure of that.’
‘Then it was — I mean is — all in your mind.’
‘Oh,’ the psychiatrist sighed. ‘What a disappointment. I thought I’d finally found an animal that I could have a conversation with.’
‘Well, you didn’t,’ Selby said. ‘Hey, why don’t you lie down on the lounge and let me ask you some questions for a change?’
Dr Mindbender did as Selby told him.
‘How are you feeling?’ Selby asked him.
‘A bit strange,’ the doctor answered.
‘Tell me this,’ Selby went on, ‘what would you really like to be doing right now?’
‘I think I’d like to be in my garden doing the three Ps.’
‘The three Ps?’
‘Planting, pruning and picking.’
‘So you like plants?’
‘I love plants — and animals.’
‘Why don’t you work with plants then?’ Selby asked.
‘That’s it!’ the doctor said, snapping his fingers. ‘I’ll be a plant psychiatrist!’
‘No, hang on,’ Selby said. ‘That’s not what I meant. Why not be a gardener?’
‘Do you mean actually working on other people’s gardens — for a living?’
‘Sure,’ Selby said. ‘Other people do it.’
‘That’s right — they do! What a great idea! I’m going to do it. Oh, how can I ever thank you? — Even if you are just in my imagination.’
‘If you really want to thank me you can start by letting me go home,’ Selby said. ‘I think I’ve had enough shrinking for the day.’
‘Anything you say.’
The doctor opened the door and Selby trotted out to the waiting room.
‘How is he?’ Postie asked the doctor. ‘He looks a lot happier than when he went in.’
‘He’s fantastic!’ the doctor cried. ‘He is the most remarkable animal I’ve ever met. He changed my life!’
‘He did?’ Postie said.
‘Yes,’ the doctor said, pressing a wad of money into Postie’s hands. ‘I owe him this and much much more. Goodbye, goodbye. What a wonderful dog! Goodbye, goodbye.’
Postie watched as the doctor put on his hat and raced down the stairs.
‘Such an odd man,’ Postie said to Selby, ‘but a very happy man.’
‘Yes,’ thought Selby. ‘All he really needed was a good talking to!’
Paw note: Yes, he did say ‘Selby’ but remember that’s not my real name so he didn’t know that the book was about me.
S
QUIZ WHIZ
Selby had secretly phoned Gary Gaggs’ Gagg Bag telephone line while the Trifles were out and listened to hundreds of the comedian’s greatest jokes. Now he lay on the lounge room floor trying not to chuckle as the jokes popped back into his head.
‘That Gary is sooooooooo great!’ Selby thought. ‘There’s nothing like a few jokes to put me in a fantastic mood.’
Dr Trifle came into the lounge room, carrying a stack of papers and looking so serious that Selby had to look away so as not to burst out laughing.
‘I’m going to say some numbers,’ Dr Trifle said to Mrs Trifle. ‘Five, four, three, two, one. Could you tell me what comes next?’
‘Zero, I suppose,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘That’s correct. Here’s another question: Which animal has the highest intelligence?’
‘Hmmm, I’ll have to think about that,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘I don’t have to think about it,’ Selby thought, as he struggled not to smile. ‘The answer is dogs — but only the ones who talk people-talk.’
‘I’ll say human beings,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘Right again,’ Dr Trifle said.
‘What exactly are these questions for?’ Mrs Trifle asked.
‘They’re part of my new Kids’ Science Quiz. I was going to pass them out at the fete. Here, see how you go.’
Dr Trifle handed Mrs Trifle a piece of paper from the stack he was holding.
‘I want to get kids interested in Science and Maths,’ he said. ‘I’ve talked to the teachers at Bogusville Primary School and they like it. I’ll be the judge. You can hand out the prizes at Speech Day next week.’
‘Me?’
‘Yes, of course. You’re the ma
yor so it will make the whole thing much more important,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Go ahead, read the next question.’
‘What is a caterpillar? Everyone knows that. It’s a little green greebie that eats the herbs in my garden and then turns into a butterfly.’
‘I’m afraid I’d only give you half a mark for that,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘If you were in Year 1 I’d let you get away with your green greebie answer but you’re not. You should know that a caterpillar is a larva and that it’s just one stage in the metamorphosis from an egg to a butterfly or a moth.’
‘Larva? Metamorphosis?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Will kids know that?’
‘Some will. But this is a take-home quiz. They’re allowed to look up the answers,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Read the next one.’
‘Here goes: You are on a bushwalk and your compass tells you that West is to your left and East is to your right. So what’s behind you?’ Mrs Trifle said. Suddenly she exclaimed, ‘My sister, Jetty!’
‘Jetty? Is she really behind you?’ Dr Trifle said, looking around.
‘Yes — I mean no — I just saw her outside. She and Willy and Billy are coming down the path. I completely forgot that they’re coming with us to the school fete today.’
At the sound of the names of Willy, Billy and the dreadful Aunt Jetty, Selby’s great mood instantly disappeared. Terror gripped his brain as he sprang to his feet to race for the back door. But before he could get out of the room Willy and Billy were standing over him holding a pair of huge knobbly green clubs.
‘I’m going to make this stinky doggy talk!’ Willy cried, raising his club.
‘You’ll do nothing of the kind,’ Mrs Trifle said, snatching the clubs away and releasing Selby.
‘But he talks!’ Billy protested. ‘He said we were brats!’
‘Yeah,’ said Willy. ‘We’re going to make him talk and then you’ll see, Auntie.’
‘I know he can talk,’ Mrs Trifle said.
Selby’s ears pricked up.
‘She does?’ he thought.
‘You do? ‘Willy said.
‘Yes, absolutely. I’ve often heard him talking when he didn’t think we were around. At night when we’re sleeping he writes emails on the computer. And when we’re out of the house he watches TV.’
Willy and Billy (and Selby) looked at Mrs Trifle. Finally she laughed.
‘I got you then, didn’t I?’ she said. ‘What on earth are these horrible weapons?’
‘They’re wizard clubs,’ Willy said. ‘They’re really cool.’
‘Wizard clubs, schmizard clubs,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘They’re going straight out the door.’
‘They’re only toys,’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘Don’t you know the movie War of the Clone Wizards?’
‘No, I’m happy to say that I don’t,’ Mrs Trifle said, handing the clubs to her sister. ‘And if I were you I’d throw these away and get them something else to play with. Whatever happened to skipping ropes and packs of cards?’
‘I’m sure the boys weren’t going to hurt the dog,’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘It’s good for kids to play with pets — even ones like old horrible here. The boys haven’t had a pet to play with since poor old Crusher died.’
‘Poor old Crusher?’ Selby thought. ‘That dog was as bad as these brats!’
Billy looked over at Dr Trifle.
‘What are they?’ he asked, pointing to the papers in his uncle’s hand.
‘This is a Science and Maths take-home quiz for kids,’ Dr Trifle answered.
‘A quiz? Do you get money?’
‘There’s no money,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Just prizes.’
‘Hey, I want a prize! I want a prize! Can I have one?’
‘Me, too! ‘Willy yelled.
‘I’m afraid that this really isn’t for you.’
‘That’s not fair!’ Willy screamed. ‘Mummy, tell Unkie it’s not fair!’
‘What’s wrong?’ Aunt Jetty asked. ‘Why can’t my boys do the quiz? Do you think they’re dumb or something?’
‘Dumb? Did I say that? No, no. They’re just a bit … I mean okay, boys, listen to these numbers. Five, four, three, two, one. Now tell me what number comes next.’
Willy and Billy looked at each other.
‘Eight?’ Willy said.
‘I know!’ Billy squealed. ‘It’s three, isn’t it? Do I win?’
‘I don’t think they’re quite ready for this sort of quiz,’ Dr Trifle said.
‘But you said this was a take-home quiz,’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘I could help them.’
‘That’s just it,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘No one’s allowed to help them.’
‘And besides,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘how would it look if they got all the answers right? Everyone knows that they are our nephews. People might think that we helped them to win.’
‘Rubbish!’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘This is totally unfair. I’m going to write a letter to the Bogusville Banner and tell them that the mayor wouldn’t even let her own dear, sweet nephews do the quiz.’
‘All right,’ Mrs Trifle sighed. ‘These have to be finished by the end of the weekend. And you’re not allowed to help them,’ Mrs Trifle said wagging her finger at her sister.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sister,’ Aunt Jetty replied.
‘Wizard clubs,’ Selby thought, once everyone had left for the fete. ‘It’s amazing those little brats didn’t kill me. Hmmm, I wonder if Dr Trifle left a copy of the quiz around here somewhere. I think it’s time to prove that people aren’t the animals with the highest intelligence.’
Selby went into the study and opened the top drawer of the desk.
‘Here we go,’ he thought. ‘Ooops, that’s the one with the answers written in. That would be cheating.’
Selby looked around for a blank copy and finally found one in the wastepaper basket.
‘Okay. What is rhubarb? What is rhubarb? I don’t know. Yes, I do. It’s that yucky stuff in the garden that makes your mouth go all funny. I guess it’s a vegie. Or is it a fruit? I’d better look it up,’ he said, grabbing a dictionary. ‘Let’s see now. It starts with R. Where are the Rs? Are they before S or after S? It’s somewhere around P. I’ll just look around here and yup I found the R words. Let’s see now. After the R comes a U. No, wait,’ Selby said, looking at the quiz question again. ‘After the R comes H. How did that H get in there? Is that right? We don’t pronounce it ra-HOO-barb. We say roo-barb. There shouldn’t be an H. But there is an H. Looking things up is soooooooo boring!’
Selby was still searching through the dictionary when he suddenly stopped.
‘I just remembered what Gary Gaggs said about rhubarb,’ he said, bursting into laughter. ‘Gee that guy is funny. I know, I’ll write in Gary’s line on the quiz.Why not?’
‘Okay, the next one had better be easy-peasy. What is a volcano?’
Once again Selby giggled out loud when he remembered a Gary Gaggs’ volcano joke. And once again he filled in the blank. And so it went, on and on, with Selby writing in the funniest answers he could think of.
‘I know I’m not doing this properly,’ he thought. ‘But what’s the point?, they won’t let me go in it anyway.’
Just as Selby was finishing writing the last answer, he heard a very quiet click in the other room.
‘Someone’s here!’ he thought. Selby straightened up the papers and put them back in the drawer before dropping his quiz in the wastepaper basket and quickly poking his head into the hallway.
Suddenly a hand grabbed his collar.
‘Gotcha!’ Billy screamed.
‘Now you’re gonna talk, you stink-head!’ Willy said.
‘Yeah, right,’ Selby thought, as he looked around for the Trifles. ‘Here we go again. Where’s the camera? I don’t see a camera. Where’s the tape recorder? I don’t see one of them either. Well it’s going to take more than these little brats to make this dog talk. Ho-hum, I think I’ll just sit here and wait for the Trifles.’
‘You talk or we’re gonna hit you!’ Will
y screamed.
Willy and Billy both raised their clubs in one hand.
‘Gulp,’ Selby thought. ‘I think they mean it.’
‘If we hit you,’ Willy said, ‘you could be deaded!’
‘Yeah,’ Billy giggled.
‘Okay, okay,’ Selby said. ‘I’ll talk. It doesn’t matter because nobody’s going to believe you anyway. What would you like to talk about? International diplomacy? How about Economics? Do you know anything about Ancient History? No, no, I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you sing me the words to the alphabet song?’
‘We want the answers!’ Billy squealed.
‘Listen, kid, we all want answers. Just leave me alone, okay?’
‘You tell us,’ Willy said, holding out a copy of the quiz.
‘Oh, those answers,’ Selby said. ‘Sorry, kids, but you’re out of luck.’
‘You give us Unkie’s answers!’ Willy screamed.
‘You want me to give you Dr Trifle’s answers? Wouldn’t that be cheating?’
‘We want to cheat!’ Willy said.
‘We want the prizes!’ Billy said.
‘Sorry, kids,’ Selby said. ‘I talked and that’s as far as I go.’
Suddenly the room was filled with the terrible sounds of wizard clubs which sounded like biff! And bop!. And scrunch! And between these sounds were other sounds like Ouch! And Help! And Leave me alone, you brats! And, finally, Okay, okay! Lay off! I’ll tell you!
Willy and Billy stopped biffing and bopping but held their clubs over Selby’s bruised head.
‘You’ll find the … answers,’ he panted,'… in the study … Desk drawer … Don’t hit me again, okay?’
A second later, the boys were running towards the study and Selby was out the back door like a shot.
‘Oh, no,’ he thought, as he squeezed through the hole in the back fence. ‘I should have told them the answers were in the bedroom or the garage or something. I didn’t know they were going to let me go. Now they’re going to get the answers right and win the quiz. And that’ll make it look like the Trifles helped Willy and Billy to cheat. Oh, woe, woe, woe!’
