Falling Stars

by J. L. Brooks

  As the impromptu speech was given, the crowd grew larger, making my escape that much more difficult. The hands began to extend, along with the invitations to power lunches and weekends in the Hamptons or Martha’s Vineyard. Places I did not belong and would never appear. Excusing myself to the ladies room, I bolted my way through the doors of the lobby and into the humid cloud of a New York summer. Making sure to stand far enough away from the concierge as to not make a scene, I slipped behind a spiraling topiary, out of view from those coming and going.

  Leaning over trying to catch my breath, I could see him approach and knew he had followed me.

  “Hey gorgeous, what is a pretty lady like you doing out here by herself?”

  Looking up into his vibrant green eyes, I allowed myself to take in the face that haunted me on cold winter nights when I had had too much to drink, or when my heart was sinking. Hunter Michaels was like my shadow, I would never be able to get rid of him, he was an extension of me that only appeared under certain circumstances, which I taught myself to avoid because the pain was too much to bear. Feeling the tug on my heart strings, I decided to be cordial.

  “Well this is the Waldorf Astoria, so I was hoping Prince Charming might be waiting for me in a white Maybach with a ten carat diamond, ready to whisk me away to Tahiti or something.”

  Nodding my head with a crooked brow, Hunter laughed while pulling me into a stiff hug.

  “Well, I have none of the above, except the Armani suit I am wearing, but it is a loaner. I can however steal you away for Cantonese, and browse vacation sights on my phone, will that work?”

  My eyes closed as I relaxed and snuggled under his chin. A part of me was happy to see him, despite my feelings about our past. Although taken off guard, the one thing about this situation stabilizing me was the surprising comfort of his presence and willingness to abduct me from the pits of hell.

  Taking my hand and walking back to the valet, a town car pulled forward as the staff rushed to open the back door.

  “Mr. Michaels.” The driver said while tipping his hat.

  Holding the door open for me, I should have been more concerned about leaving in the middle of a dinner party where I had become the impromptu guest of honor. There was nothing in there for me, which made leaving that much easier. Looking ahead to my immediate future was just as frightening, yet in this moment, for the first time in years, I simply let go. After all, I had nothing else to lose.

  “Care to tell me what’s going on?” Hunter asked in a delicate tone. Going to speak, my tongue caught in my throat. Nothing I could say that would make this any better. If he could notice my subtle distress signals, surely he would see through a lie.

  “I didn’t know you would be here.” I whispered quietly.

  “I could tell by your face that you were shocked, but I am here, and it’s because of you.”

  Shaking my head, I could feel tears begin to burn. “You shouldn’t be though. You are here because my agent wants to fuck me in the worst way possible. She found a picture of you in my apartment and suggested I write about us. I told her absolutely not.”

  Hunter’s jaw clenched nervously at my admission. “So that’s it? What about tonight? All of those people? Are you not under a contract?”

  “It doesn’t matter. I had a deadline and I missed it. I have already made concessions. I am sorry she wasted your time.”

  The salted emotions I had been fighting poured silently down my cheeks. Using the back of my hand, I dabbled as gently as I could to keep my makeup from smudging while focusing on the buildings passing by rapidly through the tinted windows.

  Hunter coughed before speaking coldly. “She told me you needed the money, that you were almost broke. Is that true?”

  Pausing for several moments, the car felt claustrophobic and I wanted out immediately.

  “Please take me back Hunter. This is not your problem, and my financial well being is none of your concern. She was wrong to disclose something so personal like that. Acquaintances or not.”

  “Acquaintances? Is that what I am to you?” He asked angrily.

  “Yes. We are not really friends.” I said matter of fact.

  Hunter tugged at the fabric of his slacks before turning his body towards me defensively but did not speak a word, just stared hard in confusion.

  “This just keeps getting better.”

  Banging against the headrest I could not prevent myself from becoming furious. The old wounds ripped open, unraveling any delusions I had about this evening.

  “If we were friends you would have called me and spoken to me personally before showing up as I am about to be paraded around like a fucking trophy. But no, I bet you think we are old chums and all is well in the world. We have been in the same city for more than five years and never once did you say, 'hey, Lila, let’s do lunch. Or hey Lila, what’s up.' Friends don’t do that.”

  “Damn it!” He shouted. “Do you know how busy I am? I am rarely here for more than a few days. I never stop. You know what I do. You know who I am.”

  All I could do was smile sadly. “How could I forget?”

  The ride was silent as we traversed around Central Park towards Brooklyn. Before getting too far away, I asked the driver to go back. “Yes, of course Miss.”

  “What would you do if you were me Lila? Right now. Right here? How would you feel?”

  Hunter was stern asking the questions.

  “I would go back to your busy life and forget any of this happened. Chalk it up to an opportunity that didn’t work out in your best interest.”

  Keeping my head tilted on the glass, I closed my eyes and waited for the car to come to a stop.

  “Are you talking about the book or us?”

  My eyes remained closed while giving him his answer.

  “Both.”

  The tires squealed slightly against the pavement as the car came to a stop in front of the hotel. With white gloves and broad smiles, the valet did not bat an eye at our quick return. Holding the handle, Hunter grabbed my wrist, asking me to wait.

  “Lila, don’t forget you were the one that stopped talking to me first. I begged you to give me a chance and make it up to you. I knew the only way I could try to redeem myself was to get clean and make something of my life. I did. I did it for you.”

  Feeling my jaw tremble, I couldn’t be near him any longer. I couldn’t handle it. The only thing more agonizing than the nightmare was the possibility I would be in a place to care about him again. Standing on the precipice, I offered up his atonement.

  “I forgive you.” I said quietly before stepping out.

  He did not try to stop me this time. I did not know if I was expecting or deserved a different reaction. It was well enough that things ended as they began. Rushing up to my room, I packed the few items I had brought for the evening and quickly stripped from the layers of silk I was wearing. Calling the concierge to notify of my departure, I was able to slip out of the hotel unnoticed. Hunter’s car was still sitting in front of the hotel as I hailed a taxi, but it was unoccupied. Looking around, I viewed him in the lobby waving his arms at a panicked Dinah and Mr. Nunnery.

  Things were about to get a lot worse than I had originally anticipated. The feeling in my gut was akin to a heavy rock I was unable to carry. The ride to my apartment was brief, and for that I was thankful. As I cracked open the door, the quiet darkness was a welcome respite. With a case of wine sitting in the pantry, I could manage my way through until dawn.

  Two hours of self-pity was all I could take before the inner rage finally consumed me. Furious that Dinah took such drastic measures against my will made me realize I wouldn’t sleep until I officially severed all ties. She may have pitched the story, but without my consent it would never leave the ground, or so I wanted to believe. Who knew what she had gotten from Hunter. She knew that a celebrity endorsing a book was great for sales, and Hunter Michaels had a cult female following.

  Finding myself on the sofa with the small shoebox, I
peeled the lid off and ran my fingers across the smooth plastic cards coveted by so many. All access, VIP, Staff.

  Before he got his big break, I was there for his ascension. I watched as the crowd of followers grew larger and he gained more and more attention. Hunter was bound to be a star, and now he had his very own spot in the heavens. It was hard to turn on the radio and not hear one of his songs. Either from one of the several albums or a collaboration with the latest chart toppers, everything he touched seemed to turn to gold, which is why Dinah wanted a piece of him.

  Sliding a photo out from the stack, I could literally feel my heart shattering to pieces. Balanced upon his knee in a friendly embrace, we looked so happy. Instinctively I reached back and dragged my fingers across the tops of my shoulder blades, feeling the pigment in the skin come alive. It was his gift to me. Several hours of lying face down on a table while delicate feathers were etched into my skin. They were a daily reminder that ink against a subject, whether it be paper or flesh can change some one forever.

  Resting at the bottom of the box was the last thing I had heard from him. A letter Hunter begged my brother to give to me, which he did so with reluctance. Being caught between his best friend and sister was a hard place, but of course family came first. Hunter tried to explain that after the accident he was so lost without me that he slipped further and further into the darkness. Someone offered him heroin at a party, and he justified smoking it wasn’t as bad as shooting it up. It didn’t take long before a needle was in his arm. The day that I walked into the run down house and found him sitting on the couch getting a blowjob from another junkie was what finally woke him up. He said he would never forget the look of terror on my face as the girl lifted her head and smiled as his seed spilled down her chin. The sound of my scream that echoed through the crumbling walls and above the techno music haunted him, just like the moment would be permanently burned into my soul. He was so strung out he couldn’t even get off the couch to come after me. Forced to wait for the hit to wear off, he then bought a one way plane ticket to his aunt’s house in Fort Meyers and checked into a rehab facility, vowing to make it up to me any way he could. That was the last I had spoken to him, until tonight. Over a decade had passed between us. I wanted to hate him for hurting me so deeply. I knew first hand that drugs make people do horrible things. However he had kept his promise and got clean. Who was I to keep condemning him?

  I poured another glass of wine and laughed at the disaster my life had become. Knowing that the pressure of failing to produce a manuscript was the real source of my despair, Hunter in the mix just added to it. Closing my eyes with fingers on the volume knob of the speakers, I twisted it to the right until the windows threatened to bust. Clumps of shredded newspaper flew in every direction from my fingertips as I spun through the room in circles, imagining dancing under a full moon in the desert, or a forest of cherry blossom trees in spring. A stack of plates in a box made my hands itch with the desire to be destructive. Always wondering what it would be like to throw one against the ground to watch it break, just because, I chose to sate the curiosity. One was not enough, and soon the floor was covered in fragments of white porcelain. I didn’t need them anyways.

  I thought that losing everything would be more depressing, yet I felt surprisingly free. Nowhere to be, nothing to do, no more deadlines, expectations or disappointments. This wasn’t a tragedy, it was a celebration. At least I could convince myself in this moment that is what was happening. I was teetering precariously close to a break down, if not yet fully submerged. Why do crazy people laugh? I thought for a moment I understood, and that couldn’t be good. Holding a pillow to my chest, I swayed back and forth in the annihilated room. I needed to sleep, yet every time I closed my eyes, he was there. The hallucinations began to manifest when I could see him standing in my doorway with a sorrowful face.

  Without a word the blurry image of Hunter approached slowly and pulled me into his arms, then moving back and forth to the music. Lowering his mouth next to my ear, he softly sang the lyrics, sedating me with a soothing tone. As the song ended, he guided me towards the bed and peeled back the covers, encouraging me to crawl in and scoot towards the middle. Sliding in behind me and pulling me close, I was still unsure if I was dreaming or awake. Whatever this place was, I savored every second before slipping into the darkness.

  Vivid images of Hunter in my apartment startled me from my dreams. Looking around there was no evidence of the wreckage I was sure had ensued. There were no broken plates, or piles of packaging materials strewn across the floor. Only a few random boxes placed throughout the room indicating that I still had packing to do. Turning over, my arms landed against the sleeping hardness of a body in my bed.

  It wasn’t a dream. He was here, and sleeping soundly next to me. This seemed wrong on so many levels but I could not bear myself to wake him. Lowering myself onto the pillow, I took the opportunity to reconnect myself with the force from my past that was somehow determined to become a part of my present. Wanting to run my hands along the 5 o'clock shadow forming on his jaw, to feel the sharp bristle against my palm, I only used my eyes to take him in. He was still so very handsome, it almost pained me to keep looking. Knowing that I had once brushed my lips across his long eyelashes and tasted the soft skin on his collarbone filled me with longing. Strong graceful fingers used to create brilliant melodies were gently resting on the pillow next to his face. Fingers he loved to bury deep inside of me to draw a song out only for him as my body shook violently.

  “If it makes you feel better I watched you sleep too.”

  Hunter cracked a smile without opening his eyes. I was unsure how long he had been awake and suddenly felt self-conscious.

  “How long have you been here?” I asked curiously.

  He opened his eyes and immediately appeared concerned. Reaching out to hold the side of my face and guide the pad of his thumb across my cheeks, he was quiet for a moment.

  “For a while. You needed to sleep, so I cleaned up for you. I’m kind of scared to leave you alone now. I heard you resigned. I was at the airport when Dinah called me freaking out. She said you weren’t answering your phone and Mr. Nunnery was on her ass about the email.”

  Shaking my head, I became livid. There was no boundary she wasn’t willing to cross.

  “I told you I would be fine. You didn’t have to come here. I’m not your problem. How did you find me anyway, much less get into my apartment?”

  Hunter moved swiftly trapping me beneath him. I knew it was an act of aggression, not of sexual intent, yet it did not stop the blood from heating in my veins as my imagination chose to think of other things he could be doing.

  “Eli told me where you lived and kept a spare key. Your neighbors were about to call the cops with all the noise you were making. I promised them I would take care of it. I know you’re in trouble. I can help you. I want to help you.”

  Snarling, I tried to fight my way out of his arms.

  “What do you know about my troubles? You haven’t talked to me in over a decade, you don’t know shit.”

  Refusing to let go, his knees pinned my legs in place, restraining me even more and inciting my fury.

  “I know Dinah cares about you and doesn’t want to lose you as a client.”

  Widening my eyes with his comment, he really had no idea what was going on and unwittingly stumbled upon a war zone.

  “That woman is a cunt who also knows nothing about me. She came in here two days ago and found a picture of us in a box I had sitting out and pitched the idea behind my back, which I just found out about last night. Look around, it’s not happening, I won’t do it.”

  Feeding off of my anger, the vein in his forehead began to throb as his face grew red.

  “Are you truly that stubborn? You would rather lose everything instead?”

  I could feel myself wanting to cry at the question, yet refused to. This was about self-preservation, not financial security. Turning my head, I stared out the window and fo
cused on the sounds coming from the street below to try and calm down. After a few deep breaths, my temper tantrum finally passed.

  “Hunter, let me ask you something. Can you force yourself to write music and know it is good? Feel in your very bones that it’s the best that is in you and nothing less? Or do you have no issue releasing sub par material simply for a paycheck?”

  Rolling off me, he rubbed his face briskly before folding his arms behind his head.

  “I’m at the point right now I could remix your voice mail message and make six figures. I know this will not last, so I am taking it for everything it’s worth. I can always write what I love later, but this is what the market demands. Do I love producing music? Not always. Is it good? Yeah. Performing in front of crowds is still the only thing that makes it all worth it. I do what I want out there. Right now, I am just feeding the machine so one day I can get out and never have to worry again. I get that you think you are selling your soul, but it’s not true. You have a talent that not many people have. I manipulate sounds while you reshape words. You and I are very similar; we just work in different mediums.”

  I flipped onto my stomach and propped my chin in my hands. I knew he was right, I just didn’t know how to bring myself to take his advice.

  “If you couldn’t tell, I am a very emotional person. I take everything personally. I have a hard time being objective. I’ve fought my way to be where I am by going against the grain and being different. I don’t know how to be any other way.”

  Hunter laughed and sat up against the headboard.

  “Of course not. You wouldn’t have it any other way. That’s not you Lila. But first, if we are going to be all kumbaya and shit, can I at least have a real hug? You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting.”