by J. L. Brooks
Hunter exhaled in frustration. Why he wasn’t seeing this clearly was beyond me. Yes, it sounded like a great idea, but I had my own life to live. I would never be happy trailing him around the world without my own identity, one I worked damn hard for. I might have been in a slump, but eventually I would find my way out.
“You don’t get it Lila do you? I would give up everything for you. I would never step foot on another plane or stage if it meant I could be with you. Why are you being such a martyr? I know you're trouble. It’s one of the things I love about you. Never a dull moment.”
I placed my lips against his chest and held them there.
“That is why you must take me home. I am not worth it.”
Pushing myself away, I walked back to the waiting car. Forcing myself not to cry, it took every ounce of resolve to pretend to be unaffected by his words. They sounded so sweet, but I knew better. I had been down this road, and nothing was waiting for me but heartache.
The ride back to the hotel was fraught with tension. Our bedroom sessions lasted until dawn and ranged from angry to desperate. I would feel the strain of muscles in my body after he left, with the bruising in my heart lasting much longer. His fingertips never stopped caressing my shoulders and back, letting me know his mind was just as restless.
“I’m going to stay in Cleveland with you for a few days if that’s okay. I’m not ready to say goodbye yet.”
Hunter’s voice held such sorrow, which mirrored his expression. Truthfully, I wasn’t ready to let him go either, but I knew it was coming. We were just postponing the inevitable.
“I’m sure that would make your mom really happy too. You don’t come around very often. She is going to be pestering me to bring you back more than once every few years. I hope you realize that.”
Shifting his body over mine, his knee gently nudged my legs apart allowing his hips to sink slowly.
“How can you fuck me while I am talking about your mom? I feel really awkward right now.”
I laughed and tried to squirm away. Hunter grabbed my arms and held them loosely above my head while caressing my neck with his soft tongue. Fire followed every lick as he traveled towards my ear.
“I’m not thinking about her. I am thinking about you. You are the one making it weird. Besides, I have a strange feeling I will not be able to stay away from you for very long. So we need to talk about what I have to do to make that happen.”
I wasn’t ready for the bubble to burst, especially in that moment.
“Shhhh….” I hushed while pressing a finger to his lips. “Later okay?”
Hunter parted his lips and began to suck on my finger suggestively before clamping down with a sharp bite.
He knew I was avoiding the topic, which made him angry yet he would not fight. At least not with words. Violently he flipped me onto my stomach and entered me from behind with brute force. Clawing at the soft flesh of my buttocks, hips and shoulders, I could feel the burn of scratches along my limbs with each thrust. He used sex to supplant the rage he felt and had kept subdued these past few days. Knowing I could take it, he pushed me onto the precipice of sanity. I could cry out but he would not hear me. In this place, I was merely a channel for aggression into which he could find some semblance of relief. My face sank further into the pillow, whereas I took a mouthful of cotton fabric and bit down fiercely.
The closer he came to climax, the closer he came to losing control. Snaking my fingers around his forearms, I squeezed hard to let him know it was okay, despite the searing shocks tearing through my body. The muscles flexed and tightened in my grasp. His grunts were feral and dark, yet I still trusted him with every fiber of my being. Hunter came into me with a fury, hard and relentless. I screamed into the pillow as my arms buckled beneath him. Moving to hold tightly around my waist, his hips continued to jerk hard until his breathing calmed. Still infused with my body, he pulled me to my side and pulled me snugly against his chest without a word. He didn’t have to say anything.
Twelve minutes were all it took to realize something was terribly wrong. All of this time he has been so worried about me, I never stopped to think about what he may be enduring, how he had changed, or what beasts simmered beneath the surface. His life was chaotic, constantly moving and on the go. City after city, there were only strangers. His manager lived in Los Angeles, and rarely traveled with him. The venues provided the sound equipment. It was literally him and a small satchel with his laptop and passport. He lived in hotels. There were no kitchen-cooked meals, typically, the event hosts took him out to eat before a show, and he was too paranoid to visit homes of strangers. He had friends he never saw, and family he visited even less. His passport was full, but his apartment was empty.
I broke contact to rest across his damp chest with my face. His hand was covering his eyes, teeth bared in a grimace. I wanted to offer comfort but the burning sensation began to overtake me. Standing, warm fluid started to seep down my legs. Catching it with my hand, I gasped loudly which caught Hunter's attention.
“Lila, did you start your period?”
I shook my head. We both knew the crimson liquid was too bright. Carefully I stepped away from the bed where a small stain of pooled blood rested. The sight forced Hunter to bolt from the bed and pick me up, rushing me to the bathroom. The hot water crashed against the tender bruises and welts on my skin as I laid on the shower floor cradled in his arms.
“What have I done?” He mournfully growled as the red swirls danced around the drain.
He was breaking my heart.
“It’s not what you have done, it’s what are you going to do? I’m sorry I have been so selfish, I couldn’t see past my own issues to see how much you were hurting too.”
Instantly his body stiffened behind me.
“Are you serious Lila? I just beat the shit out of you and you are apologizing to me? It should be the other way around. I have absolutely no excuse. I don’t know what came over me.”
Letting out a deep breath, I sank deeper into his arms.
“I do. I will be okay. We will be okay. I think I just found you.”
I turned my gaze towards him and watched as the water flowed down his face and off his nose and chin. My eyelids fluttered as the shower splashed down on us. Reaching around his neck, I scooted up into his lap and closer to his mouth.
“I see your demons, just as you see mine. You do not scare me.”
Perhaps I was even more mentally disturbed than I had first thought, yet everything was so painfully clear. Finding his trembling lips, I pressed mine gently against them.
“I am right here Hunter.”
He squeezed firmly and I cried out. My body felt wrecked, inside and out. Looking down I could continue to see the blood laced tornado. His expression grew pained as he took in the same view.
“I think I need to see a doctor just to be sure. But I’m okay, I promise.”
Hunter was not convinced and no amount of reassurance could change that. Even the physician that came to the hotel confirmed that after a few days, I would be well enough and to refrain from any further aggressive sexual activities until then. During the exam, he had asked Hunter to step out so he could check me privately. Overlooking my bruises and scratches, he asked repeatedly if it was consensual. I assured him it was. I knew it was protocol and answered everything honestly enough to keep him from being suspicious of abuse that was not taking place.
I could hear Hunter pacing the halls frantically waiting to come back in. When the doctor cracked open the door, he came rushing to my side while being given instructions for my care. Antibiotics, painkillers as needed, and lots of rest. I had enough medication to get me through the night, and whole-heartedly embraced the sleep that was coming. Cracking the white lid to the small bottle, Hunter handed me two tablets and a small glass of water. I rolled them across my palm a few times before swallowing and huffed.
“I never realized what kind of power I had in my hands. I misused it, took it for granted, and now that it’s gone, I wonde
r if I will ever get it back. And if I do, can I be trusted not to do the same thing again? Words are like drugs, they have the power to harm and to heal. Build empires or destroy lives. Who am I without them?”
I didn’t want a response, I knew life would go on, one foot in front of the other.
It was still dark when the codeine haze lifted. The shades were drawn to block out the bright light and Hunter was beside me sound asleep. I turned on the side lamp to see where the pill bottle was to ease the growing pain and allow me to slumber once again. With a start, he was up and moving.
“What do you need? I’ll get it¸” he said groggily.
“Another painkiller please. Just one this time.”
Sitting on the edge of the bed with the bottle in hand, he placed it back on the nightstand after removing a tablet. Waiting for me to say something after taking it, I reached over, grabbed his hand, and scooted to the middle of the bed pulling him in. Lying behind him, my arm rested across his ribcage allowing my fingers to feel the smooth skin of his chest and collar bone. Hunter's heart was racing, his breathing shallow.
“Relax.”
“I can’t.”
“Try. You need rest too.”
“Don’t worry about me Lila.”
His voice was quiet in the darkness. I felt the hairs on the back of his neck tickle my nose as my lips brushed across his shoulders.
“I am worried now. Tell me what you need. Maybe I can help.”
Turning over, Hunter laid on his back and tucked me under his arm, my body curled over his, legs intertwined as his chest rose and fell.
“You know Lila, a week ago, I thought I had everything figured out, that I had it all- the sky was the limit. My definition of all changed the moment I saw you in that ballroom. I didn’t believe Dinah at first. The thought of working with you, seeing you, telling our story... Something in me refused to believe I could be that lucky. But there you were, the most stunning woman in the room. For twenty seconds my life was perfect. Then I saw your face, and I knew.”
My hand froze in place recalling the moment. It seemed like an eternity had passed since then.
“And now?” I asked.
“All the things I thought were so important, that mattered, suddenly aren’t. I used to think when I made it big, you would be right there with me. But you weren’t, and no one else could hold a candle to you. I’ve found something wrong with each one. You’re a tough fucking act to follow Keaton. I would check in on you occasionally, especially when you came out with your last book. I kept all of the newspapers where you made the lists and your books are on my shelf. A few are even autographed. I was so proud of you, even though they reminded me of how much I screwed up. I thought if we got to write a story, it could have a happy ending, the one you deserved.”
Exhaling deeply, my hand rubbed my forehead firmly. “I can’t even think about writing right now, much less giving that much of myself to something so personal. It consumes me. I don’t shower every day, I eat terribly, never sleep, it really is quite maddening.”
Hunter laughed as I described my writing rituals. Comparing them to when he’s in the studio, I found it ironic how similar we were in our creative habits.
“Are you working on anything right now?” I asked curiously in my attempt to draw more out of him. Seeing how he plugged away at his computer often, I wanted to hear beyond the muffled bass escaping the headphones.
“Yes, do you want to hear it? I think you will like it.”
“Um, of course!”
He plugged in the headphones and adjusted the sound before placing them over my ears. Slowly, the drums came out from a distant place. The sounds were so perfect, yet he found a way to make the piano intro sound real and not manufactured by a program. While each measure played, my mind broke down the instruments and timed each beat. Layer upon layer of lush tracks blended seamlessly into audio bliss. As the momentum built, there was a sudden drop and several measures of silence. Drawing out the anticipation just long enough, the ethereal sound of an acapella children’s choir filled my ears and grew louder as voices joined in.
Never had I heard anything so moving in my life. I clutched the spiraled cord to my chest as my soul physically responded. Violins swept in before the synthesizers and bass tore the track into a calculated distortion, shooting adrenaline through my veins. It was a little much for me to be listening to, but I couldn’t stop. I craved more and protested as he pulled the headphones away.
“It’s not ready yet. It’s missing something, I’m not sure yet what that is.”
Sitting up quickly I set the computer aside and straddled Hunter's lap. My mouth took him by surprise as I crashed into his. Tentatively his fingers brushed my thighs.
“Lila, we can’t.”
Pulling my head back, I gave a bothered stare.
“Can we not be affectionate without fucking as an end game? You know... make out, caress, tickle, snuggle? I don’t remember those things being off limits.”
I could tell he was afraid to touch me. Unable to go another hour without the feeling of his hands on my body, knowing all too soon it would be over; I reached over to his laptop and put Flume into the internet radio player. One of my favorite groups set the tone as I grasped his wrist and held it against my abdomen. Giving a mischievous smirk, I moved his hand slowly over various parts of my torso.
Sliding under the silk camisole, my nipples hardened against his palm as it brushed back and forth across my breast. Not allowing him to linger too long in one place, I brought his fingers to my mouth and gently kissed each tip before bringing the right index finger into my mouth and biting suggestively. My hair brushed across his chest and down his thighs as I shifted backward slowly, teasing his skin and drawing forth goose bumps. Scraping my teeth lightly against the flesh of his hipbones, I licked the hollow curve leading into his groin. Marveling at the perfection I knew he worked hard to maintain, I re-familiarized myself with every dip and valley of his muscular build.
Sliding my breast over his thighs, my mouth inched closer to his hardening cock. A drop of pre-cum glistened on the tip begging to be licked off. I resisted the urge and exhaled hot breath over the head, and watched it twitch in response. Hunter surveyed every move without blinking, his eyes glazed over in lust, as he remained pliable to my every move. I could sense exploring him in this way was vulnerable. Dragging my body slowly back into the starting position, I leaned down and found his kiss gentle, yet eager. He could only take so much before rolling me beneath him. Repaying the favor, his fingers and tongue traversed my skin with the same diligence I administered on him.
I gasped as his tongue flattened while carefully devouring the wetness between my legs. My intention to keep this from becoming more sexual was thrown to the wind the moment my calves were placed on his shoulders and he showed no signs of stopping.
Small pleading mews and whimpers were the only noises to escape my lips as Hunter fought to keep my thighs from squeezing his head too hard. Spiraling into a deep release, my body jerked violently, held in place by his firm grasp.
Satisfied with his work, he trailed kisses across my navel and breasts, up to my neck and finally to my lips where I could taste myself on his tongue.
“Like that?”
“You like that. I’m indifferent. It’s like licking my arm, not that exciting.”
Playfully Hunter bit my chin at the sarcastic pillow talk.
“If your arm tastes like your pussy, you might want to get that checked out.”
I licked my arm, and then his lips.
“Tastes fine to me, I’m sure it’s just some anomaly. But now that you say something it makes sense. Men do find me irresistible, so it must be that and not my charming personality.”
My reference to men other than Hunter had an upsetting effect on him. His pupils dilated and his jaw tightened. Instantly I knew I said something I shouldn’t have, despite the innocent misstep. He had become possessive of me, despite every warning not to be.
“It was a joke Hunter. And honestly, you aren’t allowed to be that way with me, we are not together.”
“We could be though,” he admonished.
Leaning against the headboard, I deliberated whether or not to share what was on my mind. This discussion needed to happen, and it was now or never.
“I will say this one last time. I have no intention of starting a relationship with you. I care about you, but I can’t be with you. Not right now. The moment we step back into reality, you will see what I mean. Right now, it’s easy because we have shut the world out. You and I are both very public figures, our livelihoods depend on being in the spotlight. That would mean being apart from each other ninety percent of the time. I can’t do that, we’ve tried that, and it didn’t work. I also need to get myself right. I’m sorry.”
Hunter stared stone faced into the distance. He knew I was right, despite not wanting to accept it. Arriving in Cleveland would be the blinding truth necessary to reinforce my point. The honeymoon was over. Gripping the pill bottle again, I finally cracked the lid and swallowed another one of the bitter white tablets. Turning to my side before shutting off the light, I watched the veins in his neck strain against the tension building inside of him. Quickly he jumped to his feet, turned on another light and rifled through his suitcase. Removing a pair of running shoes and shorts, he dressed and left the room without a word.
I slept easier knowing he was blowing off steam in a healthy manner, using his legs over his fists. His rock hard physique made a lot more sense now. It was earned through anger, not necessarily dedication to health. I wasn’t sure I was really ready to go home, but we couldn’t stay here. Weaving in between dreams, the future played in Technicolor bursts. I couldn’t see his face, but I knew it was him. The sun was so bright and warm as we ran through grassy fields laughing and chasing one another playfully. Colliding on a blanket, I cried out hysterically as his fingers tickled my sides. He stopped and smiled down at me, eyes hidden by the sun blinding me from behind him. An echoed voice whispered down.
