Pulpy and Midge

by Jessica Westhead

  ‘I thought you could try them on and see which one you like best.’

  ‘But we have to meet Dan and Beatrice soon.’

  ‘They can wait.’ She pushed the pants toward him. ‘Try them on.’

  ‘Okay.’ He took the pants into the bathroom and closed the door. A minute or so later he opened it again and came out wearing the grey ones.

  ‘Ooh,’ said Midge. ‘Those are nice.’

  Pulpy smiled a little and stood straight, then lifted one leg. ‘I like them.’

  ‘They fit really well.’

  ‘Let me try on another pair.’ He modelled the brown ones for her next.

  ‘Well now,’ she said, and sat down on the bed. ‘I have to sit down for this!’

  ‘Last pair!’ he said, and walked back into the bathroom. He emerged wearing the black pants.

  She threw one hand across her forehead and fell back on the bed. Midge had a forehead you could get lost in. ‘I want you to make love to me wearing only those pants and nothing else.’

  ‘All right,’ he said, ‘but then we really have to go.’

  ‘There they are,’ said Pulpy. ‘That’s them. Over there, by the blow-up elephant.’

  ‘That’s a nice elephant.’

  ‘It is. I guess it’s one of the characters.’

  Midge was taking baby steps. ‘Oh, Pulpy, it’s slippery. Would you –’

  He took her arm, and then they were in front of Dan and Beatrice.

  ‘Hi, Dan. Hi, Beatrice,’ said Pulpy. ‘This is my wife, Midge.’

  ‘Ah-ha!’ said Dan. ‘So you’re the little lady who’s been distracting our boy in the mornings.’

  ‘Pardon?’ said Midge.

  ‘Actually, Dan,’ said Pulpy, ‘it’s not Midge who makes me late.’ He glanced between his wife and his boss. ‘It’s not her fault, it’s the buses, like I was telling you.’

  ‘I know how it is.’ Dan winked at them and slapped the nylon flank of the inflatable elephant behind him. ‘Beatrice and I used to get up to all sorts of things before leaving for work. Didn’t we, honey?’

  Beatrice rolled her eyes. ‘Notice how he says “used to.”’

  ‘Ho-ho!’ said Dan.

  Midge gaped at them.

  ‘When we first got together people said we acted like we were the only two people in the world,’ said Beatrice.

  ‘And now she says I don’t even know she exists!’ said Dan. ‘Har!’

  ‘There’s something different about you, Pulpy.’ Beatrice pursed her lips. ‘I can’t put my finger on it.’

  ‘He’s wearing new pants,’ said Midge.

  Beatrice put her hands on her hips and ogled Pulpy’s lower half. ‘Oh my, yes, those are sharp. They’re a bit like Dan’s, aren’t they?’

  Pulpy shuffled in place. ‘Shall we go in?’

  ‘Yes, let’s,’ said Beatrice, and turned to Midge. ‘Your man here is full of good ideas, do you know that?’

  ‘Hmm,’ said Midge.

  They walked into the arena, and Midge grabbed Pulpy’s arm and started to breathe faster.

  ‘Is she all right?’ said Dan.

  ‘Ice has an effect on her,’ said Pulpy.

  ‘Well, ice has an effect on me too!’ Beatrice said, and hugged herself in a dramatic way. ‘Brrr! Let’s get to our seats and share some body warmth!’

  Dan clapped his big hands together. ‘Sounds good to me!’

  The four of them made their way to their seats, which were in the front row.

  ‘These are nice seats,’ said Pulpy.

  ‘The best,’ said Dan. ‘They’re company seats.’

  Pulpy looked over at him, and Dan grinned.

  ‘Al never got company seats,’ said Pulpy.

  ‘Not that you knew about, anyway,’ said Dan. ‘I’ll bet he came here all the time. He just didn’t like to share à la yours truly.’

  ‘No, I don’t think so.’ Pulpy shook his head. ‘Al wasn’t really big on events.’

  ‘Then I guess you’d better get used to the new administration, because Beatrice and I love an event. Don’t we, Beatrice?’

  She smiled at him. ‘We love all events.’ She turned to Pulpy and Midge. ‘Now, you two give me your tickets and I’ll figure out where everyone’s sitting.’

  Pulpy and Midge handed her their stubs.

  Beatrice squinted at their seat numbers. ‘Ooh! You’re next to me, Pulpy!’

  ‘And Midge is next to me!’ said Dan.

  Pulpy and Midge glanced at each other. They all sat down and nobody said anything else for a while.

  Then Midge said quietly, mostly to herself, ‘The ice is so pristine.’

  ‘Don’t you just adore her?’ Beatrice said to the men. ‘With her skirt and winter boots?’

  ‘She’s pretty adorable,’ said Dan.

  Pulpy reached over and patted Midge’s knee. Her boots were black and puffy with Velcro straps, and they made her legs look more delicate than normal.

  ‘It’s getting cold,’ said Midge.

  ‘Do you want my coat?’ said Pulpy.

  ‘Yes, please.’

  ‘Excuse me, Dan.’ He took off his coat and reached across Dan to give it to Midge.

  ‘Look at that,’ said Beatrice. ‘He gives her his jacket when she’s cold.’

  ‘Huh,’ said Dan.

  ‘My husband never gives me his jacket.’

  Dan shrugged under his heavy layer of sheepskin. ‘You don’t get cold.’

  ‘Sometimes I do. Sometimes I get very cold. Sometimes I get chilled right to the bone.’

  ‘Well, next time you do you just let me know,’ said Dan.

  ‘I will,’ said Beatrice. ‘Watch me.’

  The rink was spread out below them, with ‘Ice Follies’ written across it in loopy red.

  Pulpy ran his gaze around the big, blue circle once, twice, three times, and then the music started and two of the skaters in their costumes glided into view. One of them was dressed like the model elephant from outside and the other character was a fly, with a fuzzy black body and fast-flapping wings. The fly circled the elephant, and the elephant went down almost immediately.

  ‘Look at that freaky elephant!’ Dan said, and laughed. ‘Is he ever stupid!’

  ‘They’re all stupid,’ said Beatrice. ‘That’s why it’s called the Follies.’

  ‘They’re not stupid,’ said Midge, softly. ‘It’s all very calculated.’

  ‘That’s right,’ said Pulpy. ‘They’re smart enough to pretend to be stupid.’

  ‘Well, I don’t know about that,’ said Dan, ‘but boy, that elephant is funny!’

  ‘Does anyone want any snacks?’ Pulpy asked. ‘I’ll make a run.’

  ‘No thanks,’ said Beatrice.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ said Dan, ‘we’ll keep Midge company!’

  ‘We sure will!’ said Beatrice, and the two of them smiled wide.

  Pulpy looked at Midge in the skirt she’d selected. It was the one with what she said were palm fronds on it, but the skirt was black and the fronds were blue, so Pulpy always thought they looked like knives. ‘I’ll be right back.’

  Midge nodded, not smiling.

  When he returned to his seat, he said, ‘What did I miss?’

  ‘That elephant does not know how to skate,’ said Dan. ‘He just keeps falling!’

  ‘Midge was telling us about her candle business,’ said Beatrice. ‘She said you brought something to show us.’

  ‘Oh, um.’ Pulpy felt his shoulders go rigid. ‘I forgot it at the office.’

  ‘That’s a shame.’

  Midge looked at him, but he looked away and dug his hand into his bag of treats. ‘Does anyone want a salted licorice?’

  ‘Licorice?’ said Beatrice. ‘With salt on it? Yuck!’

  ‘In it, actually,’ he said.

  ‘Always with the specifics,’ said Dan, nodding his approval. ‘I keep telling everybody you’ll go far, Pulpy.’

  ‘Midge?’ Pulpy offered her the bag.

&n
bsp; She shook her head. ‘You and your Dutch sensibilities,’ she said, smiling. Then she turned back to the action on the rink.

  ‘Well,’ said Pulpy when the Follies were over, ‘we should get home.’

  ‘No, no, don’t go home!’ said Beatrice.

  Dan shook his head and grinned. ‘Beatrice was saying to me earlier that she’d like us all to play charades at our place tonight.’

  ‘Yes!’ said Beatrice. ‘Charades!’

  Midge looked at Pulpy.

  ‘Sounds nice,’ he said.

  Midge looked away.

  ‘Now, we don’t want the husbands and wives being on the same teams,’ said Dan. ‘Let’s mix it up a little. Midge, you be on my team.’ He patted the spot next to him on the sectional.

  Midge fitted herself into the corner of the suede L-shape and watched Beatrice shimmy across the room to sit next to Pulpy. ‘This is a soft couch.’

  ‘It is.’ Dan winked at her. ‘You sink right in.’

  ‘It’s new,’ said Beatrice. ‘This one here we had at our last place.’ She put her hand in the small space between her and Pulpy. ‘It’s a divan.’

  ‘Hmm,’ said Midge.

  ‘Don’t mind the boxes, by the way. We’re still unpacking.’

  ‘I didn’t see any boxes,’ said Pulpy.

  ‘Well, we’ve unpacked most of them, but still, there might be a few. You know what moving’s like.’ Beatrice stroked the divan.

  Midge watched her. ‘We’ve been in the same spot for a while.’

  ‘Okay, charades!’ said Dan. ‘Who goes first?’

  ‘You have a fireplace,’ said Midge.

  ‘We do indeed! It came with the house,’ he said. ‘Want me to turn it on?’

  ‘Turn it – on?’

  ‘You got it. Watch this!’ Dan picked up a remote from the coffee table and pressed a button.

  The fire flared to life and Midge’s eyes widened. ‘Oh my,’ she said.

  ‘You like that?’ Dan slapped his knee. ‘Fire and ice. I love this woman!’

  ‘Let’s toss a coin,’ Beatrice said to him.

  ‘Good idea,’ said Dan. ‘Who’s got one?’

  ‘I’ll bet Pulpy’s got a bunch of change in his pocket,’ said Beatrice. ‘I heard it jingling when he sat down.’

  ‘Hmm,’ said Midge.

  ‘Let’s see …’ Pulpy fished around. ‘How about a quarter?’

  ‘That’s fine,’ said Dan. ‘Hand it over.’

  ‘Have some more mini-pizzas.’ Beatrice handed Pulpy the snack tray she’d prepared.

  ‘Thanks,’ said Pulpy. ‘They’re really good.’

  ‘The way he’s going on about it,’ said Beatrice, ‘it’s like he’s never had food cooked for him before!’

  ‘He’s had food cooked for him,’ said Midge.

  ‘Of course he has. What kinds of things do you make for him, Midge?’

  ‘Oh, simple things.’ Midge frowned down at her skirt.

  ‘Simple but good,’ said Pulpy.

  ‘We’re just so glad to have you two here!’ said Beatrice. ‘Dan and I haven’t had a chance to get the lay of our neighbourhood yet, so we don’t know too many people.’

  ‘It’s a nice neighbourhood,’ said Midge.

  ‘Oh, it’s a lot like yours, I’m sure.’

  ‘It’s a bit nicer.’

  ‘Is it?’ Beatrice smiled.

  ‘Lots of good people in the office, though, hey Pulpy?’ said Dan.

  ‘It’s a good office.’ Pulpy glanced at Midge, who was observing Beatrice.

  Beatrice was looking at Pulpy’s hands. ‘Your fingers are very long,’ she said.

  ‘Pulpy has a gift for charades,’ said Midge. ‘He has magic charade hands.’

  ‘Midge,’ Pulpy said, and reddened.

  Beatrice giggled.

  ‘You watch,’ said Midge. ‘He’ll draw the thing in the air, just like that. No “sounds like” or “first word, second word,” or anything like that. He’ll just draw it. It’s amazing. Even complex things. You just watch.’

  ‘He is amazing,’ Dan agreed, taking the quarter. ‘Who’s heads?’

  ‘We are!’ Beatrice declared, grabbing Pulpy’s hand and waving it in the air.

  Pulpy smiled at Midge. ‘Midge is ambidextrous,’ he said. ‘She can write my name with both hands. Show them, Midge.’ He looked around. ‘Is there a pen she can use?’

  ‘Never mind, Pulpy.’ Midge was blushing. ‘Let’s just play the game.’

  ‘Here we go!’ Dan let the coin fly.

  They all watched it go up and then come down. It landed at their feet, rolled on the gleaming hardwood for a short distance and then was still.

  ‘Heads!’ Beatrice squealed. ‘We win!’

  ‘Ha, ha,’ said Dan. ‘You don’t win. You just get to go first.’

  ‘Oh, right.’ Beatrice smiled slyly. ‘I guess I was getting ahead of myself. I have great faith in my partner, that’s all.’

  ‘As well you should,’ said Dan. ‘I can see you becoming a real driving force in the office, Pulpy.’

  ‘You can?’ said Pulpy.

  ‘We can,’ said Beatrice. ‘You’re going to be instrumental in our workplace makeover!’

  ‘I am?’ he said.

  ‘Do you work there too?’ Midge said to Beatrice.

  ‘Beatrice starts tomorrow,’ said Dan.

  ‘Probably tomorrow,’ said Beatrice. ‘I’m not sure yet.’

  Dan looked at her, then took two mini-pizzas and ate them quickly.

  ‘Oh,’ said Midge. ‘I didn’t realize you were both working there.’

  ‘Dan’s turning things around,’ said Beatrice. ‘He’s going to organize a potluck.’

  ‘That’s right.’ Dan nodded. ‘Staff parties, and potlucks in particular, are proven team builders.’

  ‘We heard about your party,’ said Beatrice.

  ‘What party?’ said Pulpy.

  ‘Your Christmas party!’ said Dan. ‘Al told me all about it. Ho-ho, sounds like it was quite the shindig!’

  Midge made a sound in the back of her throat, and Pulpy said, ‘We don’t really like to talk about it, actually.’

  ‘Sure.’ Beatrice smiled at Midge. ‘We had this parakeet once, at our old place, that liked to eat chicken! Can you believe that?’

  ‘Nobody could believe it!’ said Dan.

  ‘Nobody could. But all he would eat was chicken. Anyway, one day I was cleaning his cage –’

  ‘She was using the vacuum,’ said Dan.

  Beatrice gave him a sideways look. ‘And I was using the vacuum,’ she said, ‘and I sucked him up! I was cleaning the cage and – whoops – up he went. Trying to get rid of one mess and ending up with another.’ She shook her head. ‘So we can relate.’

  ‘I miss that chicken-eating bird,’ said Dan.

  Beatrice nodded. ‘We all do.’

  Pulpy looked at Midge, who was looking at her skirt again. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘that’s quite a story.’

  Beatrice nodded, and elbowed him. ‘Now let’s see those magic charade hands in action!’

  A few weeks before last Christmas, Midge had befriended a pigeon that was roosting in their backyard flowerpot. She earned the bird’s trust gradually, progressing from breadcrumb-lobbing to offering crusts at arm’s length. Pretty soon the pigeon was accepting whole pieces of toast from her palm.

  One day Pulpy walked into their small square of backyard, and Midge was sitting on a lawn chair in her winter coat, with the pigeon perched on her head.

  ‘Shh,’ she whispered. ‘Mrs. Wings is sleeping.’

  ‘Her eyes are open,’ said Pulpy.

  Midge lifted her arm to check her watch, careful not to startle the bird. ‘Well, she hasn’t moved for half an hour.’

  ‘That’s quite a while.’

  She beamed at him. ‘Isn’t it?’

  Pulpy smiled at her and the pigeon, and left them alone.

  A few weeks later, Midge hosted a Christmas fondue-and-candle party
for Pulpy’s office mates.

  ‘It’ll increase my sales and your visibility,’ she told him. ‘If we’re going to advance in this world, we need to take the initiative.’

  Unfortunately, Al and his wife brought their schnauzer. By the time Midge thought to check on Mrs. Wings after performing her clean-burning-wick demonstration and then cutting a loaf of bread into little cubes, there wasn’t much left of her pet pigeon but a few bloody feathers.

  Al had promised Pulpy a promotion the next day.

  TWO

  ‘Did I tell you they got my underwear stuck in the cash register?’ said Midge while Pulpy was getting ready for work.

  ‘No,’ he said, and waggled his eyebrows. ‘I don’t think you did.’

  They were sitting on the loveseat. Pulpy was in his shirt and tie and new brown pants, and Midge was in her robe.

  ‘I was in line at the department store buying your pants, and some underwear for myself because I was running low. I bought a few pairs of the shiny kind you like, with the lacy elastic? And somehow the cashier closed the cash drawer on one of them, and then she started yanking on it. Well, at first it was tugging. But it wasn’t very long before it was yanking.’ She bent her elbow and rammed it sideways to show him.

  ‘Hmm.’ He stood up. ‘Did she say anything?’

  ‘Not to me. But she said to the woman who was bagging for her, “I can’t get these panties out of my cash drawer.” Like it was the panties’ fault. And the woman who was bagging for her said, “Why don’t you ring in the purchases first, and then get the panties out when the cash drawer pops open?” It was a spectacle. Shoppers at the back of the line knew what was going on. I don’t know how I’m going to show my face when I return your pants today.’

  ‘I think I’ll keep them all.’ Pulpy took his coat off the coat tree and pushed his hands through the sleeves. ‘I think I’ll keep all three pairs of pants. Then you don’t have to worry about returning them. It’s time I gave my wardrobe a makeover. Plus, they’re very comfortable.’

  ‘And Beatrice likes them too.’ Midge frowned. ‘The way they jingle, she said.’

  ‘Beatrice?’ His zipper caught on the way up and he struggled with it. ‘Midge, she’s my boss’s wife.’

  She crossed her legs. ‘I don’t think I’d like a thong. Would you like me to wear a thong?’