Happy Families

by Tanita S. Davis

  I blink hard, then pull back from what threatens to be a group hug. “Yeah, okay.” I duck away from my parents and pick up another piece of shell.

  Dad takes a deep breath. “Justin?”

  “I’m good,” Justin says, hands still in his pockets. Dad watches him for a little while, and I wonder what he’s thinking. My father wanders closer to the water and finds a shell, and instead of throwing it, he hands it to Justin, who examines it. The two of them stand side by side, looking out at the water.

  I throw another shell with more force than necessary. My mother glances at me sideways. “Still mad, huh?”

  “No.” I hurl more fragments at the sea.

  “The hardest thing I’ve had to learn from all of this is that love doesn’t force. We can’t force your father to do what we want.”

  “I know that.” I pick up a rock this time.

  “He’s angry with himself. He’s ashamed of who he is right now.”

  My throw goes wild and bounces on the sand. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “You know the chapter in Corinthians about love—” Mom begins, and I turn on her, my jaw tight.

  “I know. I know. Mom, I have it on a teddy bear. ‘Love bears all things.’ I get it.”

  “No, you don’t,” my mother says, and her very firm hand on my arm stops me from throwing. “See if you can listen, Ysabel Marie. It’s not just that love bears all things. It believes, it hopes, and it endures. A million broken promises, and love is still there, Ysabel. Love. Does. Not. Give. Up.”

  I look at Mom, and she nods, the set of her chin determined. “This family will not be giving up on your father.”

  When she lets go of my arm, I halfheartedly fling my last shell. Together we watch as it spins across the water and rebounds, making three effortless little skips before disappearing into the waves.

  The sun dips toward the horizon in a smear of coral and pink, and we move toward the bonfire, which burns down the last logs in a shower of sparks. Laura brings out s’mores ingredients, and Beth makes me special chocolate-covered graham crackers, marshmallow-free. Madison wishes aloud that someone had a guitar. Marco shyly produces one from the back of the Andrades’ minivan and plays.

  When the fog comes in, the cold reminds us of home and warm beds. Mr. Han commandeers the shovel and smothers the fire, turning the coals in the cold, damp sand. Shivering, we carry the rest of the tarps and blankets back to our cars, and start the round of hugs and promises to keep in touch.

  “It was nice to meet you,” Sofia says, giving me a quick hug. “I’m sorry if I said something wrong at dinner.”

  “It wasn’t you,” I say, giving a quick glance toward the car, where Dad is talking to Mr. Han. “I just realized some things, and needed time to think.”

  “If you want to talk or anything, Viking’s got our number,” Marco offers.

  “Thank you,” I say, surprised and grateful.

  Dad starts the car, and I look at Justin, who is leaning on the trunk next to Connor. Both of them straighten reluctantly and shake hands.

  “Well, this is it, I guess,” I say.

  “Do you know when you’ll be back?” Connor asks.

  I look at Justin, who shrugs. “Nobody’s said anything to me.”

  “Well. Phoenix Festival. Three weeks. That’s not bad.” Connor gives me a tentative hug. “Maybe Madison will let me drive down.”

  I hug him back as Madison says from behind us, “I wouldn’t count on it.”

  “Come on, guys,” Dad says, opening the car door. Beth hurries over for one last hug, and then we’re down the dark road, the headlights behind us receding into a blur.

  I want to cry. I feel like another thread linking me to Dad is coming unraveled, and pretty soon, we’ll be on opposite ends of the state, and there will be nothing left of him.

  Two minutes later, I get my first text from Bethany and laugh.

  We’re behind u! Cant get rid of us that ez.

  I’m glad.

  My father parks the car and insists on carrying my pink art case. He comes with us all the way to the security gate to say goodbye. There are people rushing around us, but that doesn’t stop Dad from standing with us in a circle. With our arms linked, we hold each other as Dad prays, as he always does no matter where we are, when we’re going to be apart. Eyes closed, I concentrate on the sound of his words, straining to memorize the cadence of his voice, as Dad prays for our safety. My own prayer is much shorter and to the point. Please help Dad come home. Please. Please.

  We stand on the freckled tile, hugging. Dad kisses us goodbye. “I’ll be down next weekend, if I can,” he says, giving us one last hug. “Phoenix Festival, if not.”

  Mom leans against Dad and waves us ahead of her. “I’ll catch up,” she says. It is so hard to let go.

  We move through security and replace our shoes and lug our bags along a corridor bright with shops. Justin walks slowly. At first I think he is waiting for Mom, but then he points at a coffee stand ahead of us.

  “Think they have stamps?” he asks.

  “What for?” I follow him to a postcard display, surprised as he selects a cheesy card of a local landmark and asks the seller for a stamp.

  “Who’s this for?” I ask.

  “Dad. Have you got a pen?” Justin holds out his hand.

  I dig through the pockets of my backpack and watch as Justin scribbles a single sentence on the back of the card and signs it. He holds it out to me, and I laugh.

  Dear Dad,

  Do you know that we love you?

  Justin

  I scribble my signature. On the bottom I add,

  Tell Dr. Hoenig hi.

  The seller points us to a little mail slot, and Justin inserts the postcard, shifting his backpack. Together we walk down the concourse toward our gate, heading home.

  Nothing is settled. Nothing is “fixed,” or right. On Monday, our family will still be separated, and Dad will still be both himself and someone else, mixed up between Chris and Christine. We’ll never be the same family we were, ever again.

  But maybe that’s not so bad.

  TRANSGENDER-SPECIFIC TERMINOLOGY, from GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) Media Reference Guide http://glaad.org/referenceguide

  Transgender

  An umbrella term for people whose gender identity and/or gender expression differs from the sex they were assigned at birth. The term may include but is not limited to transsexuals, cross-dressers, and other gender-variant people. Transgender people may identify as female-to-male (FTM) or male-to-female (MTF). Use the descriptive term (transgender, transsexual, cross-dresser, FTM, or MTF) preferred by the individual. Transgender people may or may not choose to alter their bodies hormonally and/or surgically.

  Transsexual (also transexual)

  An older term that originated in the medical and psychological communities. Many transgender people prefer the term transgender to transsexual. Some transsexual people still prefer to use the term to describe themselves. However, unlike transgender, transsexual is not an umbrella term, and many transgender people do not identify themselves as transsexual. It is best to ask which term an individual prefers.

  Transvestite

  Derogatory. See cross-dressing

  Transition

  Altering one’s birth sex is not a one-step procedure; it is a complex process that occurs over a long period. Transition includes some or all of the following cultural, legal, and medical adjustments: telling one’s family, friends, and/or coworkers; changing one’s name and/or sex on legal documents; hormone therapy; and possibly (though not always) some form of surgical alteration.

  Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS)

  Refers to surgical alteration and is only one part of transition (see transition above). Preferred term to sex change operation. Not all transgender people choose to or can afford to have SRS. Journalists should avoid overemphasizing the importance of SRS to the transition process.

  Cross-Dressing<
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  Occasionally wearing clothes traditionally associated with people of the other sex. Cross-dressers are usually comfortable with the sex they were assigned at birth and do not wish to change it. Cross-dresser should NOT be used to describe someone who has transitioned to live full-time as the other sex or who intends to do so in the future. Cross-dressing is a form of gender expression and is not necessarily tied to erotic activity. Cross-dressing is not indicative of sexual orientation.

  Gender Identity Disorder (GID)

  A controversial DSM-IV diagnosis given to transgender and other gender-variant people. Because it labels people as “disordered,” the diagnosis of gender identity disorder is often considered offensive. The diagnosis is frequently given to children who don’t conform to expected gender norms in terms of dress, play, or behavior. Such children are often subjected to intense psychotherapy, behavior modification, and/or institutionalization. Replaces the outdated term gender dysphoria.

  Intersex

  Describes a person whose biological sex is ambiguous. There are many genetic, hormonal, and anatomical variations that make a person’s sex ambiguous (such as Klinefelter syndrome and adrenal hyperplasia). Parents and medical professionals usually assign intersex infants a sex and perform surgical operations to conform the infant’s body to that assignment. This practice has become increasingly controversial as intersex adults are speaking out against the practice, accusing doctors of genital mutilation.

  Transgender Terminology to Avoid

  PROBLEMATIC TERMINOLOGY

  PROBLEMATIC: transgenders, a transgender

  PREFERRED: transgender people, a transgender person

  Transgender should be used as an adjective, not as a noun. Do not say, “Tony is a transgender,” or, “The parade included many transgenders.” Instead say, “Tony is a transgender person,” or, “The parade included many transgender people.”

  PROBLEMATIC: transgendered

  PREFERRED: transgender

  The word transgender never needs the extraneous ed at the end of the word. In fact, such a construction is grammatically incorrect. Only verbs should be transformed into participles by adding -ed to the end of the word, and transgender is an adjective, not a verb.

  PROBLEMATIC: sex change, preoperative, postoperative

  PREFERRED: transition

  Referring to a sex change operation or using terms such as pre- or postoperative inaccurately suggests that one must have surgery to truly change one’s sex.

  PROBLEMATIC: hermaphrodite

  PREFERRED: intersex person

  The word hermaphrodite is an outdated, stigmatizing, and misleading word, usually used to sensationalize intersex people.

  DEFAMATORY TERMINOLOGY

  DEFAMATORY: deceptive, fooling, pretending, posing, or masquerading

  Gender identity is an integral part of a person’s total identity. Please do not characterize transgender people as “deceptive,” as “fooling” other people, or as “pretending” to be, “posing,” or “masquerading” as a man or a woman. Such descriptions are extremely insulting.

  DEFAMATORY: she-male, he-she, it, trannie, tranny, gender bender

  These words only serve to dehumanize transgender people and should not be used.

  Names and Pronoun Usage

  We encourage you to use a transgender person’s chosen name. Often transgender people cannot afford a legal name change or are not yet old enough to change their name legally. They should be afforded the same respect for their chosen name as anyone else who lives by a name other than their birth name (such as celebrities).

  We also encourage you to ask transgender people which pronoun they would like you to use. A person who identifies as a certain gender, whether or not that person has taken hormones or had surgery, should be referred to using the pronouns appropriate for that gender.

  If it is not possible to ask the person which pronoun he or she prefers, use the pronoun that is consistent with the person’s appearance and gender expression. For example, if the person wears a dress and uses the name Susan, feminine pronouns are appropriate.

  It is never appropriate to put quotation marks around either the transgender person’s chosen name or the pronoun that reflects their gender identity.