The Sky Between You and Me
Page 23
To class
It’s not like I needed to know
I’ll just forget about it
Until tonight
Maybe it won’t happen
Again
Follow-up Exam
It’s a funny thing to remember
That day
The choice
That, at the time, didn’t mean
Anything
I stepped off a cliff and onto the scale
Exactly six months ago today
Never knowing
Never dreaming
That I would ever end up
Here
Because I’m not
One of those girls
Who says she’s fat
So she can hear someone tell her
She’s not
I wasn’t then
Am not now
Even though I know I’m not
Thin
Not anymore
I hold that thought in my head
I’m not
Thin
As we walk through the door and into Dr. Larsen’s office
Thirty days out
My first weigh-in
Backward
They’re called blind weighs
I didn’t know that last time I was here
Kami just asked me to step on the scale
Backward
So I did
Not really minding
What with my own scale back at home
But I mind now
Am still mad
Sitting on the exam table in my paper gown
Because that’s what I had to wear to be weighed
No street clothes
No shoes
Just this
Dr. Larsen comes in
Clipboard in hand
“Raesha, how are you?”
Fine.
My voice is gravel
Sharp in my throat
“How are you feeling?”
Fine.
“How are you doing with your meal plan?”
Fine.
Dr. Larsen raises her eyebrows
“You don’t sound fine.”
I shrug
Hating myself for acting so truculent to this woman who has never been anything but kind
I glance at the photograph of the border collie on her wall
The dog’s name is Daisy
I met her when she was a pup
Dr. Larsen had brought her to the hospital one night when I was there with Dad
Waiting for Mom
Daisy couldn’t come in
But I went out
To Dr. Larsen’s truck and held Daisy’s fuzzy puppy body
Wriggling and licking
Dr. Larsen had said she just happened to be there
Had to work at the hospital that night
Somehow I don’t think she had to work that night
At all
I sigh
Almost manage a smile
I’m sorry. I’m tired, I guess.
“I bet. How are you sleeping? Any night sweats?”
Night sweats?
“It happens when your metabolism gets going again. Essentially, you’re burning so many calories that your body gets hot and you sweat during the night. Has this happened at all?”
A bit.
“Your metabolism is going through the roof.
But that’s what happens when the refeeding process begins,” Dr. Larsen says.
It’s hard to keep the anger in check
Because why didn’t someone mention this before?
What else don’t I know?
“How much weight do you think you’ve gained?”
A lot. At least ten pounds.
“Two.”
I look for the crack in the conversation
That swallowed the joke
Only two pounds?
Impossible
Already deciding that this is it
I’m not coming back
No more appointments
No matter what Dad says
“Two pounds. You’ve gained exactly two pounds.”
That can’t be right. I’ve been eating so much.
“You’ve been healing from the inside out. It’s like I told you, the weight doesn’t come back all at once. Your metabolism has gone from zero to sixty in less than thirty days.”
I’m nodding and she’s talking
My exchanges are going up
My meals will be even bigger
Which is fine
I guess
But it still doesn’t make sense
Not that any part of this disease ever did
But the getting well
That should be logical
Predictable
Doctor’s orders after all
But now
Even this
Gaining weight
A timeline for getting well
It can’t be
Predicted
Can’t be
Controlled
Expectations Shattered
Dad is talking to Kami when I come out of the exam room
“I make sure she is eating everything on her meal plan,” he says. “I prepare it myself.”
“I know you do,” Kami replies. “Her vitals look great. It just takes time.”
“But she isn’t gaining the weight back.”
“It’s slow going at first,” Kami says. “It takes time.”
I slip off to the side
Melting into one of the chairs in the corner of the waiting room
As Dr. Larsen approaches Dad
We can do more
Will work harder
Dad tells her
“I can’t lose her, Dr. Larsen,” Dad says. “Not her too.”
That’s when I see tears fall
From my dad’s eyes
First one
Then more
Running down his cheeks
The fissures erupt
My heart breaks in half
Because he hasn’t cried like this
Not in front of me
Not even after Mom
“It’s not your fault.”
Dr. Larsen says.
“You’re going to make it through this, just wait and see.”
I should tell him
She’s right
It was never his fault
Not Mom
Not this
None of it was him
But I don’t
Because my words don’t matter
Not after so many lies
In all the months leading up to now
I’ll have to show him
That she’s right
We are going to make it through this
Dad and I
When They Ask
“You could
Put your arm in a sling
Tell everyone Micah’s little sister
Beat you up,”
Asia suggests
And laughs
“Or Fancy—
Tell people she’s lame
Navicular
Thrush
No!
A bone spur!”
Until we show up next fall and everyone sees she’s sound.
I turn away
Distracted
By the bargain basket of dog toys
At the end of the aisle
Blue hasn’t ever loved stuffed animals
Finds chasing a ball demeaning
But still
&n
bsp; I like to look
I always go home with something
From the feed store
For him
Asia shrugs
“It’s none of their business why you’re not riding. It’s just—”
She stops to run her fingers over a headstall
With hand-tooled silver
Hanging from the endcap
Before turning down the aisle
Lined with leashes and food bowls
For animals too small
To live
In the barn
“It will be so strange without you there. You’ve never missed a single rodeo. Ever.”
I know. I just…
I wish I could explain
What it felt like
To see Dad
In the doctor’s office yesterday
If it weren’t for those tears
I’d probably lie to him
Would definitely ride
At the rodeo this weekend
The last one
Before State
But I can’t do that
To him
Can’t break another thing
That I love
“Is it selfish that I want you there?” Asia asks.
No. I’d be mad if you didn’t.
Which is true
But sadly
So is this
I just don’t want to answer any questions. It’s embarrassing enough as it is.
“It’s not like anyone knows.”
Which isn’t true
The story of a girl like me
With a disease like this
Burned up and down the halls at school
Spread to the other teams
Where my competitors
Pretended to be sad
Not-so-secretly glad
That Fancy and I stepped out
Leaving a spot to Nationals
Wide open
Asia shoves her hands into her pockets
Searching for the list Alexi gave us
Before we walked out the door
The list I plucked
From the seat of the truck
Where it slid
During our drive
Into town
“I can’t believe we’re shopping for a rabbit.”
Technically, seven rabbits.
I take a plastic hedgehog from the basket
Knowing Blue will love the squeaker inside
Drop it into Asia’s shopping basket as I hand her
The list
She unfolds the paper
And groans
“Who is this kid? Seriously! Look at this!”
Each line item numbered
Words spelled out carefully
In glittery green
#1 BPA-free plastic water bottle
#2 rabbit hammock—organic cotton—not pink!
I look at Asia
Standing in front of the rabbit accoutrements
Lining the shelves
And try not to smile
Can rabbits even see in color?
“Who cares? They’re rabbits!”
Asia grabs a water bottle
Turns it in her hands
Looking for the label
“How am I supposed to know if this thing is BPA-free?”
I guess if Alexi’s rabbit gets cancer, we know whose fault it was.
My joke trips
On reality
Falling flat on the floor
The C-word
Can do that
Asia steps around the joke
And puts the water bottle in her basket
“If anyone asks—”
Which they will.
“Just tell them you’ve been sick. Leave it at that.”
Asia pulls a rabbit hammock from the shelf
Green with stripes
Drops it into her basket
“But remind them they’d better watch out for you next year.”
Next year
I think
That’s what I tell myself
Maybe
Definitely
Next
Year
Ambivalence
This is what I miss
Being in control
Of my body
Feeling thin and light
With a secret
All my own
So good at this trick
Called thinner
thinner
gone
This is the part I don’t miss
That I have to remind myself about
When I want
To go back
The way my moods flew
From one side of the sky
To the other
Black clouds
Lightning cracked
Fall into the deepest blue
Always cold
Fingers numb
My heart a hummingbird in my chest
And tired
Always
So, so tired
Scared of the leavings
That would come
With the knowing
If Cody
Asia
My dad
Please don’t (do)
Find out
I’d prayed
The goal that I had
That could never be reached
Or did I hate (love)
This part?
The most
The way I felt when I messed up
Fucked up
Let the food in
Had to force it out
Before it was calories and fat
Because it wasn’t worth it
All that sacrifice
To be thin
At least that’s what I tell
Myself
After Hours
It’s an off night
Tuesday night
No team practice
Just the three of us
In the arena
Two on horses
Me in the stands
Cupping the video camera
To my eye
First for Asia
Now Kierra
Sitting tall in her saddle
On her buckskin gelding
Under the flannel gray
Sky
Motionless
As she runs through the reining pattern
In her head
The part of the queen contest
That will come after the interview
Before the fashion show
At State
Next week
Kierra nods in my direction
My cue
To let the camera roll
I lean forward
Press the record button
As Kierra picks up the inside rein
Lays down the outside
Spins to the left
Three
Two
One
Then the right
Picks up her inside lead
For the clockwise circles
Large and fast
Small and slow
I zoom in
Catch the flying lead change
Counterclockwise now
Large and fast
Small and slow
The hoofprint shadows
They leave in the dirt
Show Asia and I
What Kierra will see
When she watches the video
&
nbsp; Concentric circles
Collected precision
The kind that’s almost impossible
To beat
Kierra flattens herself
Along her horse’s neck
Throws her reins away
Kicks her gelding
Into a gallop
Up the rail
Sit down hard
A sliding stop
Insert score
Hand Kierra
The crown
That’s how it’s going to go
On Saturday
If she rides half as good
As she did
Just now
Asia lets out a whoop
From the far end of the arena
Where she and Scuba are waiting
Kierra looks in my direction
For the wave I give
To let her know I got it
All on film
I know Asia isn’t going to do another run
Not after that
Picture-perfect pattern
I tuck my camera into the case
Dangling from my shoulder
Begin walking down the stairs
Toward Asia’s truck
Away from the arena
As the two of them ride
Side by side
Around the arena
Cooling their horses down
Just like they will
On Saturday
When I won’t
Be there
Friday Night
Micah and Asia
Cody and me
Step out of the movie theater
Onto the sidewalk
Half-empty drink cups
Still in our hands
Laughing over the movie that hadn’t been bad
Could have been better
They’re excited
I pretend to be
About the tomorrow they’ll have
That I won’t
“Set your alarm!” Cody says to Micah
Who laughs
Because how could he not
Remember to set his clock
For the last qualifying rodeo of the year?
Asia lets go of Micah’s hand
Pulls me into a hug
“Think about coming?” she says into my ear.
She smiles when she pulls back
But her eyes are sad
Because we both know
I won’t
If I’m there
In the stands
Without a horse
Of my own
People
Will talk
Too sick to ride. Didn’t you hear?
As if I don’t
Know
What it is
They’re saying
Asia grabs Micah’s hand again
Throws a good-bye over her shoulder
As they dash across the street
To where Micah’s truck