Back to the Drawing Board

by L. L. Collins

  “I’m here!”

  “Come with me,” she said, holding out her hand. “There’s someone I want you to meet.” I sucked in a breath, shoving myself out of my seat without taking her hand. I couldn’t touch her. Not in front of everyone, and not at all tonight. I couldn’t trust myself. I caught the look that crossed her face before she quickly smiled at me. I’d upset her. Great.

  We walked across the room, me fighting with my eyes to not look at the slit going up her leg or the smoothness of her neck, shoulders, and back. I didn’t want to think about how good she smelled or how much better she’d taste.

  “Carter McIntyre, meet Dr. Oliver. Dr. Oliver, this is our new intern, Carter.” Julia looked over at me. “Dr. Oliver is the brain behind this amazing hospital. He’s been the head of all the fundraising and getting the community’s support. He’s a pediatric oncologist.”

  Dr. Oliver was a handsome middle-aged man with salt and pepper hair and a friendly smile. I could see why kids probably liked him. “Nice to meet you,” I spoke first, shaking his hand.

  “You too, Carter. Congratulations on getting the internship. That must mean you’re the top of your game because I know John. He doesn’t just choose anyone. I expect I’ll be seeing a lot more of you in the future. John and I have other projects we’ll be working on together, so I’m sure he’ll be using some of your new knowledge.”

  “Thank you, sir. I would love to work with you on anything else you have in mind after seeing this place tonight. It’s breathtaking.”

  “Carter is from Florida,” Julia explained.

  Dr. Oliver smiled. “Quite different here, isn’t it? I grew up in the south myself.”

  “Yes, but a good different. I love it here so far.”

  “Have you seen your father, Julia? I’ve been looking for him.”

  “I know he and my mom were talking to Dr. Muhmed a little while ago in the lobby, but I haven’t seen them since.”

  “Thanks. I’m going to head out there and try to find them. Carter, it was great to meet you. Keep up the good work. If you are half as good as this girl here, you’re going to be just fine.” He walked away, leaving us standing alone.

  “I want to show you something,” Julia said. “We have just enough time before the dinner starts.”

  I allowed her to pull me to the elevator, and we went up five floors before the door opened. My eyes immediately zeroed in on a huge indoor playground: swings, slides, climbing walls and all covered the space. Bright, colorful walls and soft rubber floors made it look like a kid’s paradise.

  “Wow,” I said. “This is something else.”

  “Right? One of Dr. Oliver’s visions. He doesn’t think sick children should have to miss out on being a kid. This whole floor is activities for different levels of kids’ illnesses. He went all out and thought of everything.”

  I walked up to the swing set, noticing the several handicapped sized swings.

  “You seem happy,” she said.

  “I am,” I answered, running my fingers along the chains of the swings. “I can’t believe I get to be here and be part of this. Thank you.”

  She tilted her head. “Thank me? I didn’t do anything. You being here is all you.” Julia moved closer, and I stumbled when I tried to step back.

  “You’re so handsome, Carter.” God, she needed to stop. I was hanging on by a thread as it was. “Kiss me.”

  I blinked, trying to kick start my brain into formulating a response. What was with this woman? “Julia . . .”

  “I know you’re going to tell me all the reasons you shouldn’t. Or can’t. How about you tell me the one reason you should?”

  “And what’s that?”

  She stepped so close the scent of her perfume drifted up my nose and the heat of her body made my fingers itch to pull her the rest of the way to me.

  “That you want to.”

  She knew me. She read my mind. No matter what I told her, my body was screaming something else, and she knew it. “I’m going to do it unless you say no,” she said. She moved closer, the high heels she had on making her much closer to looking me in the eye.

  The conversation with Ethan flooded my mind, and I stepped back, forcing a smile on my face. “No, Julia. Come on, let’s go down and sit. I’m sure the dinner is about to start.”

  Julia stared into my eyes for so long, I wasn’t sure she heard me or even cared what I said. When she turned and walked away, leaving me to follow her, I knew two things: one, she heard me just fine and two, I was doing nothing but continuing to upset her. I had to find a way for us to move on from this attraction of ours once and for all.

  “How’s it going, Mac?” Hayden’s voice boomed through the small speaker on my phone. I smiled, shuffling the papers together I’d been reviewing. It was about lunchtime anyway, and Julia was out of the office. She hadn’t given any explanation, just given me a list of things to do and put Ethan in charge of me.

  “It’s good, Hay. Very good. I’m just getting ready to head out to lunch now. I’m on my own today.”

  “Yeah? Did you guys start that big project?”

  “Yes,” I said. “It’s beyond anything I could’ve ever dreamed. I went to a benefit two weeks ago for a children’s hospital they built here. It’s just ridiculous how talented these people are. I’m learning even more than I thought possible.”

  “And?”

  “And what?” I asked, though I knew exactly what his unspoken question was.

  “What’s going on with Julia?” Hayden whispered like someone in my office would hear him.

  “She’s my boss. Well, kind of.”

  “Mac.” He knew I was avoiding the question, and so did I.

  I grabbed my wallet out of my briefcase and slid it into my back pocket. I figured I’d walk to the deli and grab a sandwich while catching up with Hayden.

  I waved to Paige as I walked out and she smiled, wiggling her fingers at me. I hit the button for the elevator, refusing to answer Hayden just yet. Once I got outside, I looked around to make sure no one was around.

  “It’s . . . complicated.”

  “Because it’s her parents’ company? Is that such an issue? I mean, it’s not like you’re student and teacher or anything.”

  “It kind of is. I’m an intern. She’s the bosses’ daughter. How much more complicated could you get?”

  “Have you kissed her again?”

  “After the shopping experience? No. But she wanted me to.”

  “I like this girl already,” Hayden laughed. “She’s shoving you outside of your comfort zone, and she’s not shy about it. I think I need to come meet her. I haven’t talked to you since before the benefit. Was that difficult for you there, buddy?”

  This amused him. I closed my eyes, envisioning her in that curve hugging dress. “You could say that.”

  He roared. “Carter. For goodness sake, man. You need to get laid. Either with her or someone else.”

  The thought of touching anyone else turned my stomach, but I knew it couldn’t be her. “You make me sound like a man-whore.”

  “That is the farthest thing from the truth, Mac. I’m just saying, you’re all worked up over her. You’ve known her a few weeks, and it’s only getting harder, am I right?”

  I couldn’t help but laugh at his pun, and before I knew it we were both laughing. “That was bad, bro. Sorry.”

  “Ugh,” he said. “I don’t want to hear about all that. Anyway, as I was saying. So if you aren’t going to pursue anything with her, you’ve got to stop obsessing over her.”

  “I know.” I pushed open the deli door and the delicious aroma immediately made my stomach growl. “I’m trying, Hay.”

  “Are there other girls you’ve met that are interested?” He made a pffft sound. “Who am I kidding. Of course there are. I’m talking about Carter McIntyre.”

  I thought about Brandi and a few other girls I’d seen but didn’t know their names. Could I go out tonight to a bar and find someone interested?
Well, yes, I could. “Not anyone I want to consider.”

  “But her. Dude, why don’t you just bite the bullet and talk to her dad about it. You never know, maybe he’ll be cool. You said yourself Julia told you her father adored you out of all of the other candidates. Maybe he’d like to get a son-in-law out of the deal as well.”

  I stopped, my heart racing. “A what did you say?”

  “Now, now, don’t go freaking on me. Don’t tell me she isn’t wife material, man.”

  “If that’s what I was looking for,” I said. There wasn’t any way I wanted that. Not now, not ever.

  Hayden groaned. “You’re seriously frustrating. I need to come there just to knock some sense into your head.”

  “How’s Karrie?” Changing the subject was the only way to save myself.

  “She’s great, and she also told me to tell you to go after her.”

  “Hayden.”

  “What? Karrie and I work together. It can happen.”

  “Are you Karrie’s boss? Is she yours? Do her parents own the company?”

  “I’m going to plan a trip there and bring Karrie with me.” He was the master of ignoring what I said.

  “Bring Karrie, huh? Sounds serious if you want to fly her across the country with you.”

  “We’ve been together a month and a half now. We’re talking about moving in together.”

  My mouth dropped open. “What? Already?” Who was this man and what happened to my best friend and partner in crime?

  “There’s one thing you’re going to realize, and probably soon. Hopefully, soon, before you screw it up. If you find someone who’s right, there’s no amount of time that makes a difference. I could wait another year so I could meet some quota that ‘people’ think is appropriate for a step like this, or I could follow my heart and do this.”

  “What if it doesn’t work out?” Hayden was the only one I could trust with my fears. He had been there with me through the worst part of my life.

  “It’s always going to go back to your mom and dad, isn’t it?” Hayden sighed. “If it doesn’t work out, Carter, then it doesn’t. I can’t live my whole life scared that I’ll be hurt, because then I’ll never have the chance to be happy. I want to see you do the same thing. You deserve happiness, too. You aren’t doomed to relationship failure because of what happened. Look at your parents, Mac. I mean come on. They’re ridiculous. Like one of those sappy Hallmark movies chicks like to cry over.”

  It was my turn to laugh. He was right about that. “I know, but look at what they had to go through to get there.”

  “Do you think they’d go through all that again if it meant being together?”

  I slammed my fist on the table, realizing too late I’d caused people to look at me. I smiled, and they went back to their lunches. “Yes, but they should’ve never been apart.”

  “Carter. I’m going to give you a challenge for the week.” Hayden did this for several years during college, to get me out of the depression I’d suffered after everything occurred. He was better than any therapist I saw (probably because I talked to him. I barely even talked to my mom’s friend Dr. Mia).

  I closed my eyes, resting my forehead in my hand. I wasn’t going to like this. “Challenges are over, Hay.”

  “Challenges are never over. You need to get past this and move on. You’re going to be stuck forever and miss out on a great life.”

  “I have a great life. I’m doing exactly what I wanted to do.”

  “This week, you must go out on a date with a woman and give it an actual chance. I’m going to call you on Sunday night and you need to tell me who you went out with, what you guys did—unless it’s something I don’t want to hear—and whether you want to see her again or not. Okay?”

  I knew he’d do it, too. If I didn’t comply and do his challenge, he’d find a way to get to me. “Okay, Hay. I’ll do it for you. Ethan asked me to go out Friday night again with a bunch of his friends, so I’ll see what I can do.”

  “No random hookup,” Hayden instructed. “An actual date where you take out a girl and pay for dinner and stuff. Okay?”

  “Hmm, well in that case I may need to ask Ethan if he has any ideas. He’s lived here a lot longer than me and knows a lot of people.”

  “Don’t make me get this Ethan’s phone number and talk to him myself.”

  “Geez, Hayden. You act like I’m your son.”

  “Well,” he laughed. “If the shoe fits, princess . . .”

  “Shut up,” I said, smiling despite hating the pressure he was putting on me. “I have to go. You can annoy—er, call, me later.”

  I GRABBED MY PURSE FROM the seat of my rental car and looked out the window at the dreary building in front of me. Layers of barbed wire fences surrounded the vicinity, and a watchtower stood out in the bright, sunny, Oklahoma day. I’d never been to Oklahoma before all of this happened, and I wasn’t supposed to be here now. Nothing could stop me from being here, though, no matter the circumstances. I was the only one that would come. I knew that. I was probably the only one that knew where he was, or cared.

  It was visiting day. I looked around at the other people arriving, most of them with somber expressions on their faces. It wasn’t fun being here but it was necessary for us to show our loved ones we still cared about them despite their choices. I flipped down the visor, checking that my makeup had survived the flight from Colorado and drive here in the summer heat.

  After waiting what seemed like forever to get through the doors and into the visitation room, I scanned the people coming in and out, waiting to see him. My stomach clenched, knowing I’d cry the second he stepped in here. I always did, and he always told me not to, that he was okay. It was so hard to see him like this and not wish it could be different; to pray for a miracle to happen.

  I kept myself busy watching the other people in the room: some of them lovers, some parents, some of them kids seeing a parent. I watched a little blonde boy jump up and down, attaching himself to the legs of a blonde haired man who looked a lot like him. Tears sprang to my eyes when the grown man broke down into tears, holding onto a woman and the small child like his life depended on it.

  All of the people had one thing in common in this room: they all had regrets, pain that they carried with them day after day. The door opened again and another group of people came in. I spotted him immediately. I stood, my hands at my mouth, to try to contain the hysteria that threatened. He was my Johnny: dark, curly, messy hair, a beard that was too long, and big brown eyes. I scanned his body, checking to see if he looked like he was eating properly or if he had any injuries. He was tall, over six feet and when he wasn’t in here, was cut and muscular.

  His eyes met mine across the room and he smiled, his white teeth showing a happiness I knew he didn’t feel. I stood, tapping my foot impatiently as he made his way over. One of the rules was we couldn’t run across the room or make sudden movements. I had to wait for him by the table and he would come to me. Guards stood every few feet in the room, keeping a watch on what everyone was doing. I’d had to leave my purse in a locker, and wasn’t allowed to bring anything in with me at all.

  “Julia,” he said, finally reaching me. He pulled me into his arms and lifted me several inches off the floor, and I choked on a sob, losing the control I tried to have. I clutched onto him, burying my face in his neck. Despite where he was, he still smelled like him. “God, I’ve missed you.” A month was a long time in between visits.

  “Johnny,” I cried, my tears soaking his prison-issued shirt. “I love you so much. How are you?”

  He sighed, resting his head on my shoulder as he held me, wordlessly conveying all the emotions we couldn’t put into words. “Jules.” His body shuddered, and I knew he was fighting tears. Johnny didn’t cry. Ever. “You’re so beautiful.”

  He set me down on the floor and he wiped my eyes before settling us into the seats. He took my hands. “I’m okay, sweetheart. As good as I can be in this place.”

  “
But no one is bothering you?”

  He smiled at me, and I knew he’d never tell me if they were. “I’m a big boy. I’m just fine. How are you? You look amazing as always.” Johnny always tried to change the subject off of him and onto me.

  “I’m good. Work is very busy. That’s about all I have time for these days.”

  He frowned at me. “You need to get out and live, Jules. You’re too young to be a work-a-holic. Don’t do that to yourself. What’s something you’ve done for you in the last week?”

  I tapped my fingers on the table, trying to think. “I, uh, went and got a pedicure last weekend, does that count? I read a book on the plane?”

  “Did that book have to do with architecture?” Damn, he got me.

  “Yes.”

  His boisterous laugh made me smile despite where we were. “Some things never change. Nothing in your personal life?”

  I knew what he was asking me, but I couldn’t get into this with him. Not here and not now. Not when he had no chance of being happy or having a normal life anytime soon.

  “No. I’m not looking for that.” It was a lie, but what I wanted wasn’t going to happen anyway, so it wasn’t worth mentioning.

  “Not according to your face,” Johnny said.

  “Have you given any more thought to what we talked about last time?” I changed the subject. Johnny had been in here for almost two years and had nine left to go. Unless he did the one thing that would get him out of here and back to his life. I’d been coming to visit once a month for the entire time he’d been here, and our conversation about it was much the same every time. He’d rather give up his life than do what he could to make it right.

  He pressed his lips in a line and breathed out, a growl coming from his throat. “Julia. It’s not as simple as it sounds.”

  “It sounds pretty simple,” I argued. “You must like it here.”

  His eyes flashed, and I knew I was pushing it. “Yeah. It’s a regular walk in the park. It’s a country club, really. You know, having your life threatened and a roommate that’s bipolar and guards that let shit happen and turn a blind eye. Yeah. It’s great.”