Expecting

by Sarah Havan

  But I had never been with one.

  Never kissed one.

  In high school, I dated a couple of girls, and then in college, one, who was Jill who also was the only one I ever slept with. But I didn’t want to be with girls. So did my past make me not all that gay? Could that be a thing? Maybe I was bi, but then I didn’t want to date girls anymore. All I knew was that I wanted to be me, and me at that moment was a guy who wanted to be with another guy.

  Maybe I could start small. Tell one or two people to see how it felt to finally let it out. But I’d skip over the how bad I wanted to make love to my best friend part.

  How I dreamt about how good we would be together.

  How wonderful he smelled, like how the air smelled after a rain shower, so fresh and sweet.

  But I didn’t even know who I could confide in, so I said nothing, and over the next day, I just watched Mason.

  His delicate way of moving.

  The way he shook his head to get his bangs out of his face.

  The intent look he’d get when he read. Even when he read those boring classics for his lit classes, he’d get just as into it. Biting his lip, jotting things down in the margins, reading certain passages out loud, and I found it so goddamn sexy. So many opportunities passed where I could’ve said something about how I felt, but every time I chickened out. But he must’ve known. There was no denying something was starting between the two us.

  ***

  “Sorry about the other day.” It was the blond ponytail girl from Jill’s group of sports medicine friends. She came running up to me after I exited the classroom. Jill walked out of class behind me and gave her a wave.

  “I had no right to ask you that, and I’m Margo.” She held out her hand, waiting for a shake.

  “Don’t worry about it,” I said with a shrug, shaking her hand after staring at it for a few seconds too long.

  “I went out of town.”

  “Okay.” I started walking down the hallway through all the other students leaving classes and rushing to their next ones.

  “I should’ve apologized that day. But if it makes you feel any better, the scale says I’m one hundred percent gay, which I kind of knew already before I took the test.”

  “So can you be like ninety-five percent gay?” I asked, scratching the back of my neck. Jill looked over at me.

  “It’s not full on percentages. It’ll say like mostly gay, half gay/half straight,” Margo said.

  “So it doesn’t use bi and stuff like that?” I pushed open the doors, and we walked into the chilly winter air.

  “No, another reason some people don’t like it.”

  I let out a shaky breath. “So would it say like pretty damn gay if you knew you wanted to be with guys but might’ve been with girls in the past or not that gay at all?”

  “That sounds pretty damn gay to me,” Margo said. “Maybe bi.”

  “But what if I knew I didn’t want to be with girls?” I bit the corner of my lip and looked at the ground.

  “Back to pretty damn gay then,” Margo said.

  “There are different kinds of attraction, too,” Jill said. “You could be romantically attracted to women but sexually attracted to just men.”

  “Can I also be romantically attracted to guys, too?” I asked. It all sounded kind of confusing.

  “Yes, there are no rules when it comes to your sexuality,” Margo said.

  “So am I gay or not?”

  Jill bugged her eyes at me and then grinned. “How do you feel? You don’t have to identify yourself a certain way.”

  “Okay, so when I think about myself and being with other people.” I put my hands over my face. “Sorry, Jill. Why am I talking about this in front of you?”

  Jill stopped walking. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

  “You’re not mad because we dated and well…” I dropped my hands to my sides and looked at her.

  “You mean sex? We had sex. But I have no reason to be mad at you. Is this a recent thing?”

  I ran a hand through my hair. “No. I think I’ve known for a while, but I wasn’t totally sure until more recently.”

  “So, when we did it? Wait can I ask this in front of Margo?” Jill glanced over at Margo. The three of us stopped in the middle of the front sidewalk to the building and huddled together as a breeze sent shivers down our spines.

  “Go ahead.”

  “You seemed to really enjoy it.”

  “I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I know I’m awful, but when we…” I winced, waiting for … I don’t know, yelling, her slapping me.

  “Had sex. You’re allowed to say it, Conrad.” She looked up at me, and our eyes met.

  “I’m just worried it sounds like I used you. I knew I didn’t want to, but I went ahead and had sex with you anyway.”

  “Did you ever like sleep with anybody else besides me?” Jill asked.

  I shook my head.

  “I didn’t know that. Why did I think you’d gotten with a lot of girls?” Jill asked, pulling her coat closed as another breeze blew.

  “Because I let everyone think that. I was the only one on the team that I knew of who might not have been straight, and I was so worried if people knew. And I’m really just getting comfortable with it now. I haven’t told anybody, but Mason kind of knows.”

  “How does Mason know?” Jill asked with a smile on her face.

  “Stuff that’s been going on between us,” I said, biting my thumb.

  “I think maybe I knew that you liked him. You never stopped talking about him. Are you sure he knows?”

  “I haven’t necessarily said it to him, but we’ve had these moments, kind of intense moments. But I don’t know if I’m ready to say it out loud to him yet. He’s my best friend.”

  “Question,” Margo said, raising her hand like she was in class.

  “Yes.”

  “How long did you two go out for and why did you break up?” Margo looked back and forth between Jill and me.

  “It was only like a month, and he was never there,” Jill said. “After that one time we had sex, he began leaving once we started kissing. I thought at first, he was cheating on me. Now I know that it turns out he didn’t want to be kissing a girl,” Jill said.

  “So you did the breaking up?” Margo asked, pulling a hat out of her pocket and slipping it on over her head.

  Jill shrugged. “Yeah, he didn’t even argue. Just said okay.”

  “And you guys stayed friends?”

  “Yeah, we did,” I said. And I was happy we stayed friends because without realizing it, I found people to confide in. I told people that I liked men and that I wanted to have sex with them. My chest began to tighten a bit thinking about it. I made it past a hurdle in my life that had been in the way for quite a while.

  “Okay, Conrad, you are definitely not straight,” Margo said, punching me gently in the shoulder.

  I took in a deep breath and slowly let it out, closing my eyes for a minute. “No, I’m not.”

  “You okay?” Margo asked. “You did just come out to us and all, and I barely know you.”

  “Um, yeah. Holy shit.”

  Jill threw her arm around me. “We should all do something. Me, Margo, you, Mason.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. I’ll give you a text.”

  “Okay, cool.”

  “I’m proud of you, Conrad,” Jill said, squeezing me tighter in the hug.

  “That means a lot, thanks.”

  I felt I was ready to go back to my room and pass out.

  Chapter Three

  Mason

  I stood in front of the mirror in our room, looking at my thin body and my chest that no longer resembled a man’s chest. It looked like the chest of someone who needed a training bra, not of a nineteen-year-old man. I had always been self-conscious, but the past year, my self-consciousness grew along with my chest. My doctor told me year after year that I had delayed puberty, that’s why I was always smaller, didn
’t have a single hair on my chest, had a small penis, but I began to doubt him. Something else was going on. But I sure didn’t plan to talk to anybody about it. The door flew open and Conrad walked in.

  “Do you mind?”

  “There’s nothing tied around the knob. And it’s not like I haven’t seen you shirtless,” Conrad said.

  “I was having a private moment, okay? My chest feels weird.” I covered my chest with my hands.

  “Let me see,” he said, taking off his coat and dropping his backpack to the ground.

  I turned toward Conrad and shook my head.

  “Just show me.”

  I moved my hands and pouted. Thank goodness, we had the blinds drawn.

  “Look at your nipples or the area around them. When did that happen?” He studied my chest with his head tipped to the side.

  “I don’t know, but I swear within the past few weeks.”

  “And they’ve gotten larger.”

  “You say they.”

  “It, your chest. It’s like you have boobs. Small ones but boobs.” There it was, confirmation.

  “Well, that’s just great.” I looked down. “Oh, God. I think I’ve been in denial. But maybe they’re not really boobs?”

  Conrad raised his eyebrows. “What else would they be?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I know boobs. Okay maybe not that well, but I’ve, at least, touched them whereas you have not. Let me feel,” he said, stepping in front of me.

  “I am not going to let you feel me up.” What I said and wanted were two different things.

  Conrad shrugged.

  “Okay, fine. Go ahead. Maybe an assessment will tell me I just have … God, I don’t know. Just tell me if they feel like boobs,” I said, glancing down at my chest.

  “Boobs vary, so me touching them might not help with anything.”

  I took in a breath as he touched the side of my supposed right breast. “You can touch more.”

  Conrad nodded and cupped my left breast or shall I say my supposed breast.

  “Sad thing is, there’s enough for you to hold in your hand,” I said as he gently rubbed me.

  “Yeah,” Conrad said, now caressing both of my suspected breasts.

  My cock twitched, and I closed my eyes for a moment. He rubbed the pad of his thumb on the underside of my left one, still holding the right.

  “Mason.”

  I opened my eyes and looked at him. He massaged my chest with both hands, and my heart picked up speed, and my erection swelled more. Conrad’s eyes locked onto mine.

  “Um.” He licked his lips. “I think you have small breasts.” He breathed heavily and looked down at his hands still touching me.

  “And it seems you like them.”

  He dropped his hands, and my chest heaved. “I was evaluating them for you.”

  “Thanks for the evaluation.”

  “No problem.”

  My eyes grazed him, and I could see the shape of his hard cock, straining against his jeans. Holy crap, my best friend was just as aroused as I was. Maybe all those moments we’ve had the past couple of weeks weren’t imagined. Especially the past few days.

  “They feel even weirder now that you’ve touched them.”

  “Do they sort of tingle?”

  “Yeah, I think…” They did tingle, and it felt like they swelled a bit, too, and my nipples hardened.

  “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Hey,” he said, touching the side of my chest with his fingertips.

  I looked down at the ground.

  “Look at me, Mason.”

  “What?” I asked.

  “It felt good, didn’t it?”

  “Maybe.” I bit my lip, and our eyes met.

  “I don’t have to stop,” he said, holding his gaze.

  “Sure?” I asked as he stroked the side of my one supposed breast with his thumb.

  “Yeah.”

  I let out a shaky breath as his warm palm cupped me. He touched the other one softly with his fingers, handling them like they were so precious. Both of our chests moved up and down with our heavy breathing, and he then ran his thumbs over my nipples, and I let out a moan and grabbed his biceps.

  “You like that?” Conrad whispered.

  I nodded and closed my eyes as he continued to caress my chest, occasionally grazing over my nipples. I held tighter to his arms because my legs began to shake, and I was sure my knees would give out at any moment. He slowed his touch, and I opened my eyes. He stared intently at me.

  “Conrad?”

  “Yes?”

  “What are we doing?” I asked. I had been in love with him, wanted him so much, but he was still my best friend. We were entering a zone we might not be able to return from.

  “Do you like it?” he whispered in my ear.

  “More than anything.”

  Chapter Four

  Conrad

  “Oh God, I’m sorry, just forget it. Wait, no,” I said. I wanted to say something first. How I felt. But he spoke before I could formulate my thoughts. I knew I was on my way to ruining everything.

  “No, I won’t forget it. I don’t want you to stop touching me,” Mason said softly. Much to my relief, he didn’t tell me to get the hell out of the room or tell me to stop.

  Maybe I couldn’t get the proper words out, but I knew I could at least get him off. I bent down and took his small breast in my mouth, twirling my tongue around his nipple.

  “Oh, oh, my, is…” He grabbed my biceps again.

  I took his nipple between my teeth and tugged on it a bit. Trailing kisses across his chest, I went to his other one. Lavishing my tongue over his nipple, he moaned, and I had to stop for a moment and breathe because my cock ached from its hardness. Crying for me to release.

  “Is it supposed to feel this good?”

  “Some guys have sensitive nipples, I guess. Do you want me to stop?” I stood up and swiped his bangs out of his face.

  “I think I’ll be embarrassed if you go on.”

  I cupped his chin and made him look at me. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about.”

  “I am so close to coming.” Jesus, those words alone from him were a turn on.

  “You know what?”

  “What?”

  “I am, too.”

  I caressed his chest again, and he arched his back. His breasts filling my hands because there was nothing else you could call them. They were too formed to be pectoral muscles. I had noticed a while ago (probably the end of last school year) that he started to develop small breasts. But I never had the heart to say anything. He was so self-conscious.

  I wrapped my arm around his waist and led him over to his bed. The back of his legs hit the mattress.

  He sat down, glancing up at me.

  I pushed him back onto the mattress, and he shimmied up it so he could fully lay on the bed. I straddled him and paid close attention to his chest again. Sucking and tugging on his nipples, swirling my tongue around them. He ran his hands up my shirt, placing his warm palms on my shoulders. Squeezing his eyes shut, he thrust his head back into the pillows and began panting.

  His chest moving up and down.

  His body quivering.

  I pressed my mouth to his lips and parted them with my tongue.

  Pinching his nipples between my fingers.

  My tongue explored his mouth, our teeth clinking together. He dug his nails into my back, and my body started to shudder. I moaned against his mouth and rubbed his other nipple while caressing his breast. Mason moaned, arching his back. His fingers gripping my shoulders.

  “Oh, Conrad, you’re doing this to me. Oh God, here it comes.” And as he came, he let go of my shoulders, grasping the sheets, digging his elbows into the bed, whimpering and moaning.

  I had never seen anything sexier.

  I exhaled as I came in my jeans. He lay looking up at me, breathing hard. I bit my lip as the last bit trickled out.

  “Mason, those are
most definitely breasts.”

  His shoulders shook as he started laughing. “I have boobs, and I just let my best friend suck them as we both got off.”

  “Yeah, that was a thing we did,” I said, flopping myself on my side next to him.

  Mason reached up and touched his chest.

  “Maybe it’s part of your whole late puberty thing,” I said, circling my fingertip around one of his nipples.

  “Getting boobs?” he asked.

  “I honestly don’t know.”

  “Um, don’t laugh with what I’m about to say,” Mason said with a severe expression on his face.

  “I won’t.” I kissed the side of his breast. I wanted them in my mouth again and so much more.

  “Nothing’s descended yet.”

  “Really?” I asked.

  “Yeah … but okay, are we going to talk about what we just did? What’s been going on with us?”

  “Do you want to?” I asked. The time had come. My heart began to beat faster at the thought of telling him the truth.

  “We don’t have to,” Mason said. And he saved me, but perhaps it was time.

  I lay my palm on his flat stomach. “Maybe we should.”

  “We’re best friends.”

  “Yeah, we are.”

  “I don’t want to ruin our relationship.” Mason put is hand on top of mine, and I entwined our fingers.

  My heart pretty much dropped when he said that. “So no more whatever it is we’ve been up to?”

  “I don’t want it to stop.”

  “I don’t either.”

  “Okay, so we just talked about it.”

  “Okay,” I said.

  It wasn’t a full on I love you and want to be in a relationship with you, but it was a start. In my family, men didn’t talk about emotions. My dad taught me that we push them deep down inside and never let them show. Otherwise, what kind of a man are you? So I was happy that Mason and I, at least, talked about our situation a bit. Granted, it was only a few words, but a step in the right direction for me.

  Chapter Five

  Mason

  All night long I dreamed about what we did, and when I knew Conrad fell asleep, I got myself off thinking about it, stroking my hardness and trying not to moan too loud.

  Lately, Conrad was always on my mind, and I had to do something to distract myself because while something might’ve begun between the two of us, neither of us said much about it. And I wasn’t too sure what to say. If I said, “Conrad, I want to be with you more than anything else in this world,” it could send him running. Who wants their best friend to confess such a thing? And if he didn’t feel the same way, talk about putting a strain on our relationship. So, I decided to focus on the paper I had due in my British literature course. I packed up my books in my messenger bag, getting ready to head out.