Starshine

by Melody Winter

  “You shouldn’t ever trust him completely, you know,” Rowan muttered from beside me.

  “You and Amy sound like you rehearsed the same lines,” I replied, lowering the script from my scrutiny. “You’ve been around Amy for too long. Not only are you sounding like her, you’re beginning to act like her as well.”

  His features hardened. “The same could be said of you and Alex. You’ve changed.”

  “I’ve changed?” I guffawed. “How can you make such a statement? You’ve only known me for a week, and most of that’s been through grunts as you eat your stupid crisps. You know nothing about me, Rowan, and that’s exactly how it’ll stay.”

  “I know enough. Amy has told me all about you.”

  “Amy?” I was astounded. “She knows nothing.”

  Rowan sniggered. “Well she certainly knows Alex better than you. And as you just pointed out, I’ve only known you for a week—so has Alex.”

  I was searching for a sarcastic answer to his comment, but couldn’t think of one fast enough.

  “You should listen to her. Regardless of what you think, perhaps she’s got your best interests at heart where Alex’s concerned.”

  My mouth dropped open. Was he serious?

  At that moment, Amy practically flew into the studio. Everyone in the room turned to look at her as she wailed and cried, running toward Rowan.

  “Amy, what on earth’s the matter?” Rowan asked as she flung herself at him. He wrapped his arms around her. “Calm down. You shouldn’t let yourself get so upset.”

  “It was Alex, he . . . he, he tried to . . .”

  “He tried to what?” Rowan questioned.

  Her gaze dropped to her skirt which was ripped up the side.

  “I knew he still felt something for me,” she wailed. “He tried to force me, Rowan. It was horrible.”

  Rowan turned to me. “Now do you believe me?”

  I was already on my feet, charging across the studio. I didn’t believe her for one second. But I wanted to know exactly what had happened. I needed Alex’s explanation.

  I wanted to believe that he hadn’t tried to force Amy to do anything but leave his dressing room. But she had been in such a state that there was a tiny bit of doubt niggling at the back of my mind. What if he had tried something? Back at his house, he still had her room exactly as she had left it. His constant anger toward her, whilst understandable, could also be a sign that he still had feelings for her. I shook my head, not liking the way I was thinking. I had never doubted him, but things just weren’t making sense.

  I reached Alex’s dressing room and raised my hand, ready to knock on the door. I paused momentarily, taking deep breaths to try and calm myself. Then I heard Alex’s voice.

  “Fuck, Tessa. What on earth?”

  I pushed open the door.

  “No!” I cried.

  Alex had his back to me, his trousers nowhere to be seen. But the image of a woman on her knees, facing him made me freeze in shock. I had seen exactly this scene two years ago.

  “Ella? Shit!” There was panic in Alex’s voice as he stepped backward, away from the woman, and reached for his jeans that were slung over a chair.

  “Don’t.” I sniffed, holding my arms outstretched in front of me. “Just don’t even try to explain any of this.” I released a shuddering breath, unable to take in what I was witnessing—again.

  This was exactly what Sam had done with that skank, Janet. And now Alex had done the same. I glanced at the woman Alex had called Tessa, but all I saw was Janet. She looked like all her Christmases had come at once as she stood up. Alex was frantically pulling his jeans over his hips. At least he had the decency to cover himself, Sam had just moved toward me, still naked, and thrown me out of the room.

  “Always a pleasure,” she drawled, and then blew Alex a kiss.

  I swallowed hard, fighting the urge I had to cry. I could feel my survival instinct kicking in—just like it had before.

  Fight or flight, fight or flight?

  I focused on Alex but he wouldn’t meet my eyes. Why not? Why wasn’t he explaining? Why was he just standing there, looking anywhere but at me?

  “You’re welcome to him,” I snapped, my tears starting as I turned sharply, heading back into the corridor.

  “Ella!” Alex called.

  I walked faster, heading away from him and skanky Tessa.

  “Ella, wait!”

  I ran. I wanted him to stay as far away from me as possible. I wanted nothing more to do with him. I headed for the ladies’ room, needing privacy and time to compose myself.

  I stumbled into one of the cubicles and locked the door. I shivered uncontrollably as I leant against the wall and cried. Large unstopping tears flooded from my eyes as the scene I had just witnessed played repeatedly in my head. I was shattering from the inside, splitting into thousands of pieces as my heart broke over and over again.

  I kicked at the door in frustration and banged my fists against the wall.

  Why had I thought that I could help him? All this had been a bad idea from the start.

  My cries turned into dirty big sobs when I realised that I had well and truly fallen for him. I had never intended for that to happen.

  I’d let Alex Denton into my heart, and now he was breaking it.

  The door to the bathroom swing open, and banged against the tiled wall.

  “Ella. Ella, for fuck’s sake. Talk to me!”

  I couldn’t believe Alex had followed me into the ladies’ room.

  “Go away.” I sniffed, desperately trying to stop my tears.

  “Ella, please. It was nothing.”

  I screwed my eyes shut, fighting the anger that was building in place of my upset. That was just what Sam had said.

  “Ella, if you don’t come out of there, I’m going to smash the door down. Now come out, and talk properly. I don’t like hearing you so upset.”

  “Go away.” I snarled through gritted teeth.

  “I mean it. I’ll knock this fucking door off its hinges!”

  However much I didn’t want to face him, I didn’t see the need for him to break the stupid door down. I lifted my hand to cover the lock before sliding it open with a sharp tug. I pulled the door inwards, but made no movement toward him. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at his face.

  “Ella.” Alex moved toward me.

  Did he seriously want to comfort me?

  “Don’t touch me. Keep away from me,” I snapped.

  He sighed and stopped his advance.

  “Tessa’s an old friend. I worked with her on—”

  “I know who she is,” I interrupted, aware of the newspaper stories that had flown around about the pair of them when they had been filming Starworld together. “She’s one of the many women who you slept around with when you were with Amy.”

  “Yes, Amy did name her as one of my women.”

  “Well, it seems she was right about one thing then.” I sneered sarcastically.

  “What? Fuck. I never slept with her. She was always a lot more interested in me than I was in her. My relationship with her was, is, purely professional.”

  “Well it looked more than professional a few moments ago.” I lifted my gaze to look at him, and wished I hadn’t. He looked desperate, broken even.

  “What exactly do you think you saw?” There was agitation simmering under his controlled voice.

  I stepped out of the cubicle, and prodding his shoulder with my finger.

  “Oh, I don’t know. Perhaps you, with your trousers off, her on her knees in front of you. And don’t think I missed the, 'Fuck, Tessa,' that you groaned just before I walked in on you both!”

  His hand rose to his head and he rubbed furiously at his forehead.

  “You think she was giving me a blow job?”

  “About to,” I verified. “And you gave me all that shit earlier about being a gentleman, and not letting me near you that way. I smell bullshit Alex!”

  “I don’t believe this. Ella,
I swear to you, Tessa had literally just walked through my door a few moments before you. I still had my trunks on if you’d cared to look properly. I was getting changed into my clothes for the next scene when Tessa just walked in. It was just after Amy had . . .” He suddenly stopped. “Do you know what?” The tone of his voice suddenly changed and his eyes bore into mine.

  “What?” I snapped.

  “I don’t care what you think. I know the truth, but if you are so stupid that you don’t want to listen, then that’s your problem. You’ve already decided on what you think you saw.”

  I raised my eyebrows.

  “So we’re back to square one, are we?” I said, my anger quietly bubbling under the surface. “You’re going to talk to me like you did when we first met?”

  “I thought you were different.” I saw the change in him immediately. It was like a switch had been flicked inside him. His heart had formed its protective shell once again. His shoulders slumped before he glared at me. “You believe what you want. Believe the worst. Believe that I could do that to you after everything I’ve said, after everything we’ve shared. I don’t care anymore.”

  “You’re an actor Alex. It’s what you do. I’m beginning to wonder if anything you’ve told me is true.” I walked toward the door, my head down. Even though my heart was screaming at me to listen to him, hear him out, my mind had already judged him as guilty. I’d heard enough lies in my life when this had happened before, I didn’t want to hear them now.

  Alex’s voice sounded out as I grabbed the door handle ready to walk away from him. “You walk out of that door now, and I want nothing more to do with you!”

  His ultimatum should have stopped me but, instead, it just made me even more determined.

  “I’m already gone,” I replied, my chest hurting with the renewed effort to not cry in front of him.

  “I mean it, Ella. Everything we’ve had is ruined if you walk away.”

  I gathered all my courage together before replying. “I can’t do this anymore. I thought I could. But I can’t. Not after this.”

  Alex’s voice broke as I opened the door. “You promised you’d help me.”

  “Yes,” I said. “But I can’t deal with this.” I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t let him see how broken I was.

  “But, Ella . . .” His begging voice was too much.

  I yanked the door open before stepping out into the corridor.

  I was about to have a melt-down again. I continually stared at the floor as I headed along the corridor, aiming to get to the ladies’ room that was at the other side of the building. I bit my lip, holding back the flood of tears that I knew were going to fall. I sniffed, rubbing the back of my hand under my nose, and urgently pushed the door open that led into the other part of the building.

  When I reached the room, I quietly sobbed, letting my own pathetic sorrow wash through me. Was there something wrong with me? Was there a signal I gave to men to treat me like shit? To see other women behind my back? I had been convinced that Alex wasn’t like that. I had believed him when he had broken down at my flat and told me that there had been no-one since Amy. Now, I suspected everything he’d told me to be lies.

  I even started to question if Alex was the guilty one in their relationship. Maybe Alex had messed her around. He’d certainly had the opportunity. There were thousands of fans falling over themselves to be with him. Every actress in the films he had been in, said that he was adorable and that they had all fallen for his charm and good looks. Tessa had been the most vocal, and although she had never confirmed a relationship with Alex, she had never denied one. A close friend of hers had fed a story to the papers about their steamy affair whilst he was working with her. I recalled reading about outdoor sex, his insatiable sexual appetite, the numerous sexual positions he had performed with her, and that he had liked to tie her up. I shook my head in disbelief. Did I seriously believe that stupid story now? I had scoffed at it when I had first read it.

  I calmed slowly, taking deep breaths. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so quick to judge him, but my reaction had been instinctive after what had happened in the past. I’d promised myself I would never let a man treat me like that again. I had hoped that Alex would have laid all my rattling insecurities about men to rest. Apparently not. But instead of listening to Alex’s explanation, I had judged him as the same as Sam. It wasn’t the most sensible thing to have done, but it explained my reaction.

  I caught my reflection in the mirror above the sinks. I looked a real sight. It was a miracle Alex had ever paid me any attention. Maybe that had been his plan. To take the boring, plain work experience girl, and play with her emotions. Maybe get a few quick fucks in as well to kill the time. I huffed. Even with my anger and frustration at the situation, I was convinced that idea had never even crossed his mind.

  I blew my nose, splashed my face with water, and patted it dry with paper towels before heading back to the studio. I had no idea how the rest of today would go after our argument, but I didn’t think it would be easy. I just wanted to sit quietly, and go un-noticed for the rest of the day. I had no idea what other people would make of the atmosphere that I suspected would be coming off Alex in vicious waves. I was just about to turn the corner and pass Amy’s dressing room, when I heard a hushed whisper.

  “All done.”

  “Did it work?” Amy’s nasally voice asked.

  “Hook, line, and sinker. She saw exactly what you wanted her to see.”

  “Great. And her reaction?”

  “Stormed off in floods of tears.”

  “Oh, Tessa, I owe you for this.” There was a ruffling of clothes and I presumed they were hugging each other, congratulating themselves on a job well done.

  “No problems, sweetheart. I only wish I’d managed to get his trunks off and sample the goods for real.”

  “Yeah, well. You wouldn’t have been disappointed.”

  They both giggled.

  Bile rose in my throat, and I turned around, leaving as quietly as I had approached. I desperately needed some fresh air.

  I ran for the back door that led outside, and once there I sank to the floor with my back against the stone wall.

  What had I done?

  My own insecurities about men messing me around had come back to haunt me at exactly the wrong moment.

  Sam.

  The name rang out loud in my head.

  Sam.

  Alex was nothing like him. Had I not admitted to myself only last night that I thought I knew Alex better that Sam? Where had all my stupid judgement gone when faced with the same situation I had faced two years ago?

  I was sure my brain had mixed up the scenes to some degree. I had visualised Alex with nothing on, when he had in fact had his t-shirt and trunks on. Sam had been naked. Tessa had blonde hair—exactly like Janet, but the noises coming from Janet and Sam had been completely different. A wet slapping noise and the chant of, 'Oh, yeah, baby, let me fuck your mouth,' and. 'Harder, suck me harder, bitch,’ had not fallen from Alex’s mouth. He had exclaimed surprise at her action, which I now knew to have been a set up. I could almost imagine the shock that would have registered on his face as she’d sank to her knees on the floor in front of him.

  Alex hadn’t turned around and sworn at me before manhandling me out of the room. He hadn’t thrown me to the floor before heading back into the room to finish his business. He was nothing like Sam at all.

  I released another loud sob. I hated Sam even more for ruining whatever I had with Alex.

  Was I to blame for the major cock-up I had caused between Alex and myself?

  My mind kept relaying the desperate way he had looked, and I could still hear him begging me to believe him. And when I’d refused to listen to his explanation, all his barriers returned. His eyes had blocked their openness, his body had become tense, and to make things even worse, I had broken my promise to help him. Even as I’d walked away, he had tried, one last time, to change my mind about everything. And I had turn
ed my back on him—just as I had with Sam.

  There was one huge difference though. Sam had been guilty of fucking Janet behind my back. I had caught them when they had only just started seeing each other. His reaction and the betrayal of trust never left me. It had hurt so much, the pain was still there, jabbing its gnarled finger into my chest.

  But this hurt even more. I had let Alex down in the worse possible way, and I had no idea how to make things right.

  I shook my head, wondering why Amy and Tessa had behaved the way they had. Were they best friends, joined in their hatred for me. Were all the actresses Alex worked with hate filled bitches, who couldn’t stand anyone from the normal world finding happiness with him?

  My brain scrambled with hate spewed thoughts directed at Amy, and now Tessa. I even wondered whether Rowan had been in on the whole thing, because something certainly hadn’t been right with him this morning.

  I pushed myself up from the ground and headed to the studio. I had no idea whether filming would have started without me there, but I doubted that they would have waited for Work Experience Girl to make an appearance.

  held my head high as I entered the studio, determined to not let anyone see any evidence of my upset. Unfortunately, the first person my eyes caught was Alex. He was seated in his usual lonely corner of the studio, slumped in his chair. His long legs were stretched out straight in front of him as he studied his tatty script. He didn’t look up.

  My heart ached for him, and I breathed in deeply, letting the air slowly escape from my mouth as I headed over to him.

  I had no idea if anyone in the room was watching me, and I didn’t care. I stopped next to his feet waiting for him to lift his gaze. His shoulders visibly stiffened, but he refused to look at me, keeping his gaze fixed on the white papers in his hands.

  I took another deep breath before speaking. “I shouldn’t have said what I did earlier. I shouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion I did, and I should have let you explain things properly. I’m sorry.”