The Beast And Me

by D. S. Wrights

  Suddenly I was afraid that he would... hit me or… force me. I couldn’t put his look anywhere, was not able to read its meaning. And then he dragged me towards the door, and knocked.

  I wasn’t sure if he would take me to the cage or not, if he wanted to kill me now and get rid of me, because I had pissed him off, or not.

  For a moment I panicked because I didn’t know if his men had brought me to the right room or not.

  The worst thing was: I wasn’t blindfolded. And I wasn’t shackled to the wall. It was just me, an empty cell and the bars that divided the cage into one quarter where I was standing and three quarters on his side.

  “Turn around”, White spoke through the speakers and I did without thinking.

  My eyes fell on the cuffs with which I usually was shackled to the wall.

  “Clothes off.”

  I froze and looked up to the speaker. Right next to it was black glass.

  They were watching.

  I am sure that it is a window from the other side.

  “Do you want me to send the men in to do it for you?”

  He sounded more bored than annoyed or something like that. So, I obeyed and imagined how he thought that I was a good girl. Knowing that he watched me right then and there gave me eerie goose bumps.

  However, I undressed myself and then I waited, staring at the cuffs and my clothes at my feet, wondering if he wanted me to blindfold or chain myself. But there wasn’t another order, just that metallic sound of the barred wall being removed. That sound paralyzed me. Instinctively, my hands touched the rough concrete wall in front of me, higher than I would have if I had been handcuffed. My body started to shake, and I tried to make myself believe that it was only because of the cool temperature of the room, and not because of anything else.

  What White wanted him to do was pretty obvious to me. And I closed my eyes even before the moment I could feel his fingers on my hips.

  A sigh escaped my mouth. So gentle again, even though these claws I knew could wound me so terribly.

  As if he had sensed that I thought about that, his fingers slid to my scars, re-drawing their lines, making the same movement that had torn through my flesh. But it didn’t terrify me.

  Oh no, quite the opposite.

  My breath turned shallow, my knees became wobbly, and my heart sped up and it was tickling all over me. And I was melting.

  Then again he brushed my hair away from my neck, the tips of his claws harmlessly grazing my skin, making me shiver warmly. I leaned my head aside automatically and that was it. Lips and teeth on my soft skin, sending a piercing flash through my nerves, boiling up my core.

  Just as equally exciting to feel his body against my back, his chest against my shoulder blades and... the proof that I did to him exactly what he did to me.

  If I wanted to I could see him, if I wanted to look at him, if I wanted to touch him, all I needed to do was to turn around. But I was frozen, paralyzed by his touch. And my eyes were closed, while my mind started creating an alternate reality, where this was some secret place where I met my unknown lover, after I sneaked from my dorm in the middle of the night. I was not there, and he wasn’t either. We weren’t prisoners, not in a cage, no subjects.

  His hands exploded on my body, running across my skin, gently, like he wanted to caress every inch of me. And he did. I caught myself leaning my head backwards and against him. He simply continued playing the instrument that was me. The moment he sensed the wetness between my legs, this sonnet was over.

  His hands were on my hips the second after he entered me. And I... I seemed to just have waited to make these inhuman sounds again. How it felt sensing him push himself inside me was just... indescribable. Oh yes, it did hurt again. I wanted it. I needed it. I deserved it, because I wanted him to take me. And it was wrong. It is wrong. So wrong, wanting to be fucked by someone, something, I didn’t know. He was slower this time. And I could feel how he fought to control himself, compose himself, so that he would hurt me as little as possible. It felt so good.

  He was pouring oil over the fire that had waited inside of me, igniting my veins, while my skin was freezing. Knowing that he wanted to ravish me again like the first time, but trying not to because he obviously didn’t want to hurt me. This feeling is far beyond words.

  I had to support myself, pressing my hands against the wall. And like that I knew I just...

  “Deeper”, I exhaled and I sensed how he hesitated, tensed, before he did what I asked for and forced another moan from my throat.

  “Oh God”, I heard myself breathing out like it was a repetitive recording.

  “It feels... so good.” I whispered, partly because I had no air left and also because I didn’t want White to hear.

  His strokes became deeper and harder, stealing every chance from me to whisper anything more. All I could do was moan. Yes, like a whore. But I was HIS whore.

  Just look what I am writing, how insane, mad, crazy, disturbed I am, but I did not care, not at all, not a bit.

  As I heard him answering with the same sound he almost pushed me over and he sensed it. And that was when he lost it. I had to claw into the wall and push myself away from the concrete, so that he wouldn’t smack me against the stone. I could feel his thrusts in my entire body, in my very bones, and even if I would have wanted to, there was no way to hold back my voice.

  Suddenly he pulled me up, wrapping one arm around me, gripping my breast while he continued doing me. I had to arch my back. It felt insane, this angle. Then he pressed me against the wall.

  The rough material was grazing across my skin, my stomach, my breasts, and one side of my face. I kept my eyes closed even though his face was close to mine. I couldn’t move and maybe that was why I could feel him explode inside of me that intensely, which made me come just in the exact same way. Another two thrusts as I was still pinned against the wall, followed by numbness.

  I expected White to tell him to back off again, but he didn’t. So my beast held me there, until he had to pull out, breathing down on me. And I fought the urge to open my eyes. So I did the only thing that I could: took one hand and reached behind my face: to touch his.

  It didn’t feel like an ape, but not human either, at least not completely. Still, I couldn’t find out, because all of the sudden he was gone, without any order, like my touch had scared him away. He didn’t want me to do that.

  It cut a hole in my stomach, and left me freezing on the ground, tearing up silently.

  Day 36

  The schedule was turned back to normal.

  Well, as far as there was any normal.

  One hour after Dinner the two soldiers took me again, and I almost expected that they would just push me into the cage. But they didn’t. No one spoke to me, not even White, and I was shackled to the wall again but not blindfolded. They both suddenly grabbed me and pulled my legs as far from the wall as possible, so that I barely could hold myself up by clinging to my chains. And then, they pulled down my pants.

  I could feel my heart panic.

  Insane enough that I was okay to be ravished almost brutally by some kind of beast and panicked by the idea that a normal human being might force me. I mean: what was the difference?

  I had no chance to think about that, because they left and the gate was removed. The temperature dropped at that very moment and I almost freaked out because I felt like whatever was approaching me now was not him, not ‘my Beast’ but another, different one. I didn’t want that.

  A growl reached me, which gave me goose bumps. Even though it sounded like him, I couldn’t be sure, because there was something off, something different about this sound, like it was cold; lacking that tenderness he had shown the last time.

  As if he wanted to prove me right, he simply... skipped the foreplay and prodded himself into me with one thrust that made me whine, but then, just when I was about to fight back acidy tears, he was exhaling this whisper, which was a strange, crazy, insane relief like stepping into a warm room aft
er a day of freezing: “mine”.

  All my reluctance was washed away and I tried to meet him as well as possible, even though he did me really hard and it didn’t feel right, as if he wasn’t really there. Deep hard strokes, hitting the end, making me whine and whimper more than moan. I wanted to change that, but there was no way of touching him, as if he did not want to give me any chance to turn this into something tenderer. So, I did what I did not want to do: opened my eyes and tried to look back. All I saw was a pair of strangely green eyes glaring at me. Corroded copper.

  I never came so hard and painful in my entire life. I had no idea that it could be that way. This time it was me forcing him to come. Maybe because I tensed so hard that I was cramping.

  These eyes, they are not human.

  These eyes, they are cat-like, and still greenish.

  It hurts. I feel sore, and somehow I feel cold, used.

  I had no chance to think myself away, into a different scene. He was different. Something happened. It has to be that. There is no other explanation. It seemed like he wanted to be gentle but he couldn’t. Like his mind was somewhere else, just like mine had been held by reality.

  I don’t feel warm, I don’t feel comfortable, or well, or anything like the last times.

  I don’t relive it like the times before.

  And I feel like crying.

  They stole our illusion, my illusion. And I feel like... I don’t know how. Like this was meant to make us feel better, but left us for worse.

  Day 37

  I’m not sure whether I want so see him today or not.

  Yesterday was just... It felt wrong.

  Although I keep thinking about it, and about him, I just... I don’t know how to feel or what to think.

  It just felt like whatever connection there was, it has been broken. My bubble of illusion has exploded and the shards of it are... showing me the reality in the cruelest way, bluntly, blatantly.

  I want to believe that White had done something. But maybe it was because I touched his face.

  Could it really be my fault?

  Have I crossed a line, broken a rule?

  How could I have known?

  And then again: the eyes. They are definitely not human, but those definitely aren’t ape eyes either.

  What is he?

  When I think that I’ve been abducted for 37 days now... everything feels like being ripped out of time. I wonder if anyone is even looking for me or if those people are capable of faking... what if they have faked my death?

  What if there was a funeral, what if everyone believes I’m dead?

  No... they would need a corpse and the easiest one would be mine.

  I have to make sure that this doesn’t happen.

  My beast might have been attached to me, but strategically I need others to be attached to me as well, just to be sure... This reminds me of the way White treated and looked at me the last time he visited. I want to throw up.

  If my family believes that I ran away... would they really believe that? Would my Dad and Mom think that I would just... leave my responsibility, that I just don’t give a damn about them?

  There’s no one caring about me being alive but me. I bet White can replace me if my beast loses interest in me. If that happens... maybe they’ll kill me?

  Then this will be over.

  Maybe this is even the best way out.

  I didn’t get out of my room apart from working out twice, which means I won’t have another ‘session’.

  Somehow I feel indifferent about this.

  I don’t want to do anything. I just want to stare at the ceiling and be left alone.

  Day 38

  I never thought of myself as a nymphomaniac, and maybe I am not. I don’t know. Maybe they just mix something into my food. I mean... I don’t take anything against... I don’t have pills to prevent pregnancy and he definitely doesn’t use any protection.

  What if this is what it’s all about? Not getting him more social but me... no. I refuse to believe that. It would be easier just to become... well, I’m not. I mean... if I calculate about right, I had my last period while being out due to my wounds. Well, I think I recall that on my first day back, I still had some... I don’t want to think about how they handled that while I was in a coma.

  Gross.

  No, White told me it’s about me being the Beast’s reward, so me, being pregnant, would make that quite difficult at some point.

  I have to believe it’s just about... doing it, right? Just a reward, sex and comfort and physical contact.

  And here we are again. I feel like they are mixing something into my food because I can’t stop thinking about it. I need it. I need him.

  I couldn’t fall asleep yesterday, so I... well... I took care of that problem myself. But it’s not the same as having him inside me, hearing him pant and moan and... stop!

  I shouldn’t think of that.

  Please God, just help me stop thinking about that.

  It’s about time that they either take me to my second round of gym or to him. I keep waiting. Maybe they don’t know or aren’t sure.

  I knocked. First no one answered and then after some moments the door was opened. The guard isn’t one of the two who molested me. He actually seems nice and that should make me think twice. His name is Peter. He actually gave me his name. It seems like he’s standing alone in front of my room, which doesn’t make much sense because there is no way for me to get out. There is not even a door knob on my side. But he was – I know I repeat myself – nice. Maybe he was there exactly for this: in case I would knock. Could they be so thoughtful? Somehow I doubt that, because it would mean I could inhale water.

  Peter wanted to know if everything was okay and I just asked for my schedule. There is none.

  Now I keep asking myself why I hadn’t knocked earlier. Peter really seems... nice... and well, he’s also handsome. I am sure that I should be careful.

  I mean, why would they put someone in front of my door, when I can’t even open it? I repeat myself, but someone as good looking as him? And then... what if White wants to make sure that I don’t get molested again and Peter’s looks are just coincidence? No, White has ordered this. Is this a test?

  Why do these memories keep coming back into my mind now? And why do they make me feel like that? Two pairs of hands invading me, no... it was awful. I didn’t want it. I don’t want it. They are trying to break me. I am sure. Maybe I should stop eating this stuff.

  Day 39

  I wonder if there is a pattern. Not feeling like writing the whole day, because it felt like it just would be one of those tormenting days of boredom. I have decided not to talk to Peter in order to distract me from this, because – hey – he’s a guard, a soldier and not my friend. I shouldn’t befriend him. Just to be safe. Better be safe than sorry.

  White didn’t show up. But they came to take me again, not blindfolding me, not grabbing me. I could find the way easily by myself by now. Peter was one of those who took me and he briefly smiled at me. The other one didn’t notice it and I – idiot me – smiled back. Why did I do that?

  Like I said... I wasn’t blindfolded or bound and there was no voice from the speakers. The gate wasn’t removed. How much I wanted the opposite of this. I wanted to be shackled, blindfolded, that he could come over to... The thoughts alone made my heart beat faster and breathing speed up, turning shallower. I am a needy slut. There, I said it. But I didn’t want it to be like yesterday, I wanted it to be like the time before that.

  So, I turned around to look up to the black window. Silence. And then I heard him.

  It was a deep hum, briefly.

  Maybe his form to say “hi”, but I know he can speak. Maybe, surely they don’t want me to know.

  I kept my back to him, standing still, hoping that the gate would open. I hoped that, wished for.

  How insane! I am a needy slut.

  I felt like I could sense him approaching me. Like a sun dawning. Again I looked up and
mouthed: open it. And they did. Finally.

  For a moment I froze, despite the relief. I hesitated. But then: I turned around. He wasn’t standing behind me like I had expected. The room was poorly lit up so I could barely see anything.

  Was he hiding? I thought that I had been wrong hearing him behind me, until I did hear him breathe heavily right on my back. I turned around once more, and again: he wasn’t there. He was evading me.

  He is extremely fast. You can’t imagine anything normal being that fast. Not only strong, but... he already seemed to know where I would turn or look. It freaked me out! He was so fast, like... the predator he is and I was and will be at his mercy every time I meet him.

  Yes, I should have realized this when he almost ripped me to shreds, but I was helpless being shackled. Now, I had my full movement and senses and still was completely helpless. Like Prey, his prey.

  The memory of this thought alone makes me shudder feverishly.

  Suddenly, he grabbed me from behind and made me shriek. I couldn’t cry out because one of his clawed hands covered my mouth with his arm pressing tightly against me between my breasts. The other arm wrapped around me.

  I swear, he heard and sensed my heart beat, because when I managed to calm myself down a bit he removed his hand from my lips, sliding it down to my throat, in a way that his claws brushed my skin.

  His lower hand moved as well.

  I felt his hard-on pressing against my back... I know... someone please help me and this disturbed mind of mine.

  Instantly I wanted him as well, noticing that I already had when he was hunting me. His face was buried in my hair and I couldn’t move my arms to touch it. So I placed my hands on the back of his neck and that made him flinch. I think he eventually realized at that very moment that I had simply put my hand somewhere, that I only needed to touch him, and nothing more, apart from stroking across his forearms, trying to keep him calm.