All That the Heart Desires

by June Moonbridge

  The eyes reminded me of … And I felt a cold breeze on my skin. This cannot be…I heard my heart pounding hard and loud. I was afraid that the boy might hear it. I knew I must have been as pale as the Dover cliffs.

  Before I could move, someone gently shook the sleeve of my light cardigan. I almost lost my balance as I turned around. Another blonde boy stood behind me, smiling. I watched the one by my side and the other approaching us. Both blonde, both the same age, yet not quite the same.

  Twins! Went through my mind. We were mistaken! Everything was for nothing! I was on the verge of crying.

  “Hi,” the boy next to me said. I swallowed hard. Just before the second one came up to us, I managed to squeeze out a “Hello” to both of them.

  “You’re new,” he said. I was still looking from one to the other.

  “Yes, I am. I’ve just arrived.”

  The boys were watching each other.

  “What’s your name?” the same boy asked. Before I could answer him, the second boy spoke.

  “That’s not polite.”

  He turned to me, gave me his little hand and introduced himself.

  “I’m Daniel and this is Andrew.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that Andrew was sticking his tongue out at Daniel. As soon as I turned around to shake Andrew’s hand, Daniel did the same thing.

  “What’s your name?” Andrew asked again.

  “Desiree,” I answered. “It’s very nice to meet you both.”

  My heart was still pounding, but I felt it calming down. The boys were not identical twins; Andrew’s hair, though blonde, was a bit longer than Daniel’s. Their identical clothing helped to make them look similar. I needed to sit down, but there was nothing to sit on.

  “Are you alright?” I was surprised by Andrew’s question. I wasn’t and, although I tried to hide it, the boy somehow saw through me.

  “Yes I am.”

  “Lorcan invited you, didn’t he?” Daniel asked directly. I started to wonder how much the boys knew. Usually adults forget about their presence, yet children learnt so much by just being there.

  “Yes, he did,” I replied and Daniel nodded.

  “We thought so. Are you a model?” At the last question I just had to laugh. When I answered no, Andrew laughed, but Daniel insisted.

  “Well you should be.”

  I looked from one to the other and saw sincerity in their faces.

  “Do you know the way through the labyrinth?” I asked them, trying to turn the conversation away from me. Both of them nodded.

  “It’s not a labyrinth, it’s a maze,” Daniel said. “Grandpa will explain the difference to you later. We’re not allowed to go in alone. In the middle…”

  “Daniel! Andrew!” suddenly we heard a woman’s voice coming across the garden. The boys looked at each other and they turned to me.

  “Nana,” Andrew explained. “She’s looking for us.”

  I nodded.

  “We need to go,” Daniel said and they’d already turned to run away when I managed to get my composure back.

  “I’ll come with you.”

  They stopped running and Daniel took me by my hand. Andrew was not far behind him. Hand in hand we walked around the maze back to the house.

  An elderly woman was standing on the steps. She had short grey hair and a kind face. There was something about her features that was familiar, but I didn’t think that I knew her from anywhere.

  “So, there you are,” she said. “Get yourselves indoors and prepare for dinner.”

  Both boys nodded, waved their goodbyes and ran through the terrace into the house.

  “Stop running!” she yelled after them, but she was too late. They were already gone. She shook her head and then turned to me. Her eyes were grey and complimented her grey hair so that she looked like a nanny straight out of a storybook.

  “I hope they didn’t bother you,” she said apologetically. Her eyes were searching and I looked away.

  “No,” I swallowed the tears. “I met them at the entrance…”

  “Oh my God. They weren’t in the maze again?” She sounded a little bit angry. I smiled.

  “No. Actually they convinced me not to go in. I thought it was a labyrinth but was told that it’s a maze. Although I don’t know the difference…” I went slowly up the stairs to join her on the terrace. She smiled and stepped closer.

  “I’m sorry. I’m being impolite. My name is Rosalind Shore. I’m the boys’…” She stopped talking when she saw the surprised look on my face. She smiled at me.

  “Yes, I’m Lorcan’s aunt. Not quite, as I’m his father’s half-sister. I’d been a nanny all my life and when those two boys came to the house…” She looked at me again.

  “I’m sorry. I’m talking too much again. My late husband told me that, but I just can’t stop … If you know what I mean.” I smiled at her. I’d liked her even before she’d told me she was related to Lorcan.

  “Desiree Hart,” I introduced myself. “Well, actually I’m Desiree Dame, but I use my mother’s last name…” I was not completely sure why I was explaining myself to her.

  “So he invited you this year?” I nodded. I didn’t like the sound of that question. Rosalind was slowly returning to the house.

  “Where is everyone?” I asked. “Lorcan told us we would arrive to an empty house, but…” I stepped down to pick up my shoes and walked up the steps.

  “Well, I’m not quite sure. Last year they went flying hot air balloons, the year before that they went sailing. They’re either racing or they’re hunting.” I stopped abruptly. She turned around and smiled.

  “Well, not exactly hunting, more cross-country horse riding,” she explained. “They do these kinds of things every year. Well, at least since I’ve been here.”

  “Horse riding? Sailing? Flying balloons?” I asked.

  “Why, yes. The estate is large enough to do all these things.” I turned around and looked at the garden again. Rosalind was right. The garden itself was enormous.

  “Oh, my God. Look at the time. If I will continue to chit-chat like this, the boys won’t be ready for dinner.” Before I managed to say anything else, she was gone.

  Slowly, I went back to the end of the terrace and sat on the stone wall that surrounded it. I lost myself and hid my face in my palms. Tears ran down my cheeks.

  That was how Harry found me. All I felt was his hand on my shoulder.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “I saw them,” I barely managed to reply because of the hiccups.

  “Who?” he asked and I raised my head. He took a fresh handkerchief out of his pocket and offered it to me. While he waited for me to clean my face, I explained.

  “I saw the boys.”

  “Boys?” he sat down on the fence, his forehead wrinkled.

  “Yes, boys, Harry, not one but two. They’re twins.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  I somehow managed to say:

  “The boy that we saw in Hungaroring has a twin brother - I saw them both a few minutes ago.”

  “I haven’t seen anyone in the house,” Harry said. “How long have you been outside?”

  “Since our arrival. I met them at the entrance to the maze,” I answered.

  “Where?” Harry’s questions were starting to get on my nerves. I pointed to the left side of the garden.

  “That’s a fence,” he said.

  “No,” I almost barked in reply. “I thought that too, but it’s not. It’s a maze.”

  “Right, what’s with the children?” Harry turned back to me.

  “I don’t know. The one we saw in Hungary is called Daniel, the other one is Andrew.” Harry was silent for a while.

  “Another dead end,” he whispered sadly. I looked at him.

  “It looks like it. We did it all for nothing.”

  We sat there for a while, both occupied with our own thoughts. The sun sank slowly behind the magnificent trees. The temperature dropped, and be
ing dressed only in shorts and a sleeveless top under a light cardigan, I started to shiver.

  Quietly, Harry stood up and gave me his hand. He knew my heart was breaking and that I didn’t need any lectures about building my hopes so high. He’d seen me like this too many times. It looked like he was devastated too.

  Slowly, we went into the house and to our rooms.

  “Will you be ready in fifteen minutes?” he asked. I nodded, closed the door, leaned on it and shut my eyes, feeling nothing but sorry for myself.

  When I returned from the bathroom, I spotted a letter on the bed. I hadn’t heard anyone coming in when I was washing my face, so I knew it must have been there all the time. I had been too preoccupied with my own sorrow to notice it.

  I picked up the letter and opened it, spotting the same letter C on the left corner of the paper as on the invitation to the Charity Ball. It was from our hosts. Dinner was scheduled for nine o’clock. It was only seven when I checked the clock—I had plenty of time.

  There was a knock at the door. Harry was there, with the same letter in his hands.

  “Did you get this?” he asked. I nodded.

  “Right. What shall we do till then? Do you know where everyone else is?” I told him what Rosalind had told me.

  “Fox hunting?” Harry was appalled.

  “No. As Nana Shore told me, it’s more cross-country riding than hunting.” Harry closed the door and came closer, while I looked for my jacket.

  “Who?”

  “Christ, Harry! Enough of your questions!”

  “Who is Nana Shore?” I rolled my eyes and put on the jacket.

  “She’s the boys’ nanny.”

  “And?”

  “What do you think?” I was becoming angry. He wasn’t dumb.

  “Lorcan’s…?” he left the question hanging in the air.

  “Aunt,” I finished

  “Right,” he said. “So what shall we do?” Before I could answer, we heard thunder. We looked at each other—only half an hour ago the sky had been clear and the weather was forecast to be fine the whole weekend.

  I stepped onto the balcony but the sky was still clear, only the thunder was getting louder and louder. Harry came closer and finally he recognised the sound.

  “Horses.” At the same time we spotted them. They were riding from the right side of the estate, slowing down by the flowerbeds.

  “Let’s go and meet them,” Harry said and took my hand. I followed him.

  We met Tom in the parlour getting the refreshments ready. He instructed us to go to the terrace where they would be waiting.

  Slowly we went outside through the parlour on to the terrace. Some of the company had already dismounted and were having a drink.

  There must have been around thirty people on horseback. All the riders were suitably dressed, as though attending a hunt. I recognised some faces and a familiar voice greeted us.

  “Harry. You came? And your sister too.” Crest came to us, handing the reins to a groom who stood near him. “I’m really glad,” he shook hands with Harry.

  “We just couldn’t turn down your kind invitation.”

  “So will we close the deal?” Crest said and I gave my brother a questioning look.

  Then I spotted Lorcan. He hadn’t yet dismounted and he sat on the horse as though he was one with the animal. Wearing a black jacket, white breeches and black riding boots, he cut a dashing figure, like a hero from a Jane Austen novel. I was speechless. He was looking at me and had caught my eye as always.

  I eventually managed to look away, back to the house as I heard footsteps approaching. The conversations around us faded into the shadows. Coming towards us was an elderly woman who I’d never seen before. But then our eyes met.

  She stopped abruptly. She opened her mouth but no sound came out. Instead, she collapsed on the terrace, just a few feet from where we were standing. We all froze for a moment, but before anyone else could react, I ran to her.

  She’d fallen hard on the stone floor. I checked the ground by her head and was relieved that there was no blood there. I picked up her hand and at the same time Harry lifted me up from the floor. Before her hand slipped from mine, Crest took it.

  Three men from the riding company came running. It had all happened in a split second.

  “Let them help her,” I heard Harry say. Suddenly I felt hands on my shoulders. Someone leaned me against his chest. The smell gave him away. It was Lorcan.

  “Who is she?” I asked. We watched as the men picked her up gently and took her back to the house. Daniel Crest followed them.

  “She’s Ursula Crest.”

  “The lady of the house?” I said. I could feel his smile.

  “She hates that title, so don’t say it to her face.”

  “What happened?” Harry turned around and faced us. I shook my head. I had no idea.

  “Does she have health problems? Is this regular?” Harry insisted.

  “Not to my knowledge,” Lorcan replied. “As far as I know she’s a healthy woman. As far as I could see, it surprised Daniel too. Please wait here.” He went back to the other guests. We didn’t want to eavesdrop, so Harry led me slowly back to the house. Lorcan chatted for a few minutes and then followed us.

  Crest was coming down the stairs. He smiled, but I wasn’t sure if the smile was real.

  “I’m sorry about this. Ursula’s fine.”

  “We can be out of the house in five minutes,” Harry offered. “You don’t need to entertain us.” Lorcan took my hand and, although I didn’t see him, I sensed he was signalling something to his boss. Daniel was still smiling at us.

  “Not a chance. Ursula stepped a little clumsily and fell. That’s all. You don’t need to leave. She’ll never forgive herself.”

  “If you’re sure,” I said finally. “We don’t want to be a burden.”

  Daniel waved his hand.

  “Not at all. She will join us for dinner,” he said. “Now excuse me, I need to change my clothes.”

  He turned around and went back upstairs.

  “Lorcan, don’t let them leave. Harry, we need to close the deal,” were his parting words from the first floor. Harry smiled and looked at me.

  “It looks like it’s not serious. Shall we stay?”

  “It’s not a question. You need to stay.” said Lorcan. “You both heard Crest.”

  I shrugged my shoulders. Both men were watching me and then Lorcan turned to Harry.

  “I’m sorry Harry, but I need to do this.” Before Harry or I managed to ask what, he took me into his arms and kissed me in the middle of the hallway. All I could do was hold him close.

  Hearing steps in the hallway didn’t seem to put Lorcan off, but Harry’s interruption did.

  “We’re not alone,” Harry sighed. I knew he was rolling his eyes.

  Lorcan raised his head, still looking into my eyes. I read in them that Lorcan felt as I did. It had been too long since our last kiss. I smiled and stepped away. Harry was right. We were not alone. At least one third of the company was there, watching the show.

  “I’ll let you get ready for dinner,” I said and stepped back to my brother. I knew what he was witnessing was not easy for him.

  Lorcan smiled.

  “I won’t be long,” and he followed the people going up the stairs, presumably to their rooms. We had almost entered the parlour, when we heard a loud voice say in a Brazilian accent:

  “Now that was one sweet thing, Lorcan. Where did you find her? Is she the same…?” But, the voice was lost amid the loud bangs of the closing doors.

  All I could do was bow my head.

  “Come on,” Harry said. “Don’t listen.” He closed the parlour door behind us and sighed.

  “Carlos Souza. He’s just a boy…”

  “Leave it,” I answered.

  “What shall we do?” I heard Harry from far away. I let my mind wander as I sat on the sofa. I couldn’t understand how I had been so mistaken. I had been completely positive Daniel
was my lost son Iain. It felt as though I had hit the ground forcefully too, perhaps even more so than Ursula Crest.

  I found myself at a crossroads. I wondered if I should just give up and stop searching for him. Almost six years had passed. If my son were still alive he would have a family and a life, without knowing of my existence.

  Did I really have the right to take him away from that? Although the life he was living was a lie, it was not a lie for him. I had never once in those six years thought of the possibility that my son could have been dead. Somehow in my heart I just knew that was not true. I was convinced that if that had happened, I would have felt it. I would know. Nothing would convince me that this bond didn’t exist. And there was also a letter.

  I felt Harry’s hand on my shoulder.

  “Where are you?” I heard him ask quietly. I was looking straight at him, but hadn’t seen him.

  “I don’t know if I want to continue with the search.” I said my fears aloud. His hand caressing my head felt good. He gave no signal that he had heard me.

  “Do you hear me?” I asked and focused on his face.

  “You’re just tired. We‘ll do as you decide.”

  “You think it’s a good idea?” I asked. He sat down next to me.

  “I don’t know Desiree. You’re twenty-five and you’ve already lost almost six years of your life … I don’t know. I think you need to sleep on this. Perhaps we should wait until James tells us more about what he has found out … ”

  We heard the door opening.

  “Dinner is served,” announced Tom.

  Tom led us to the big dining room. Almost forty people were seated, chatting. Daniel Crest came to us with his wife holding onto his arm. He had a big smile on his face.

  “Darling, this is Harry Dame and his sister Desiree Hart,” he introduced us. “Harry, Desiree, this is my wife who unfortunately you didn’t have a chance to meet in Budapest.” She offered us her hand and when our eyes met, hers were warm.

  “Welcome,” she greeted us. “I’m sorry if my clumsiness scared you. I’m glad you didn’t leave.”