All That the Heart Desires

by June Moonbridge

At last, I managed to shake myself out of my daydream and went straight to the bathroom. I needed a shower badly.

  Half an hour later, I returned to the bedroom refreshed and half hoping the clothes would be gone. My hopes were dashed. Dressed only in a towel with another wrapped around my head, I looked at them again. In the shoe boxes there were real racing shoes, in three different sizes.

  Picking one shoe up, I almost dropped it and screamed when I heard a voice.

  “I wasn’t sure which size you wear…”

  “Christ!” was all I managed to say. Fixing the towels into position and turning around, I found my self-eye to eye with Daniel Crest. “What are you doing here?”

  “Checking if my orders were fulfilled and … checking to see if you were still here.” I knew I grimaced.

  “What’s this?”

  “A camouflage,” he answered simply. I didn’t quite understand him.

  “To avoid the ‘paddock bimbo’ look.”

  I couldn’t believe he’d remembered my words.

  “I’m not going to the race.”

  “No, you’re not.” I almost sighed with relief.

  “You’re coming with us on today’s free practices.” Before I had managed to open my mouth and protest, he was gone.

  Friday and Saturday were another level of living hell, as I was not able to escape. When Crest left my room, my mobile rang. I immediately regretted answering it.

  I was informed that I would be picked up from my room in an hour and that I must be ready and dressed. I had no choice, as when I looked outside the room, a man was standing near the stairs and the elevator. I didn’t know what he was doing there, nor had any wish to check. All that was left was to get dressed and be ready.

  Friday was a sunny day and it was hot in Monza. In the paddock everyone had a job to do and as I didn’t want to disturb any of them, I hid in the garage. I pushed my hair under a cap that I’d found lying about.

  There were endless conversations I didn’t understand. That gear, this brake, left wheel shock absorbers, wings, tires, etcetera, etcetera … My mind couldn’t absorb everything. It was clear to me I needed a translator, although they were speaking English. Only then did I realise how much was going on behind what was seen on the screen. Computers everywhere. Everyone was walking and talking like bee drones around their queen.

  Lorcan didn’t say one word to me. I wondered if he was still angry because of the day before, or was he really so busy that he found no time to talk to me? When he spotted me standing in the corner, already with the cap on my head, he gave me a short nod. That was all.

  When the cars left for their first round, I was handed earplugs by one of the mechanics. I thanked him, as the noise was really only just bearable. Hearing the engine roar in an open space was okay, but listening to the same sound in a small, confined space was too much.

  “I was told you like to run away. Please, don’t,” he said, then he turned around and went back to his colleagues who were already watching the monitors. I didn’t know what to think. I realised I really didn’t have any option but to stay there.

  Another member of personnel brought me a cup of coffee which I drank slowly and watched the monitors. During that hour Lorcan came back in and went out of the garage four times. Men that were working on his car listened to his observations and comments.

  “Lorcan, my results this morning were better than yours,” I heard Carlos saying when the racetrack was closed for practice and almost all the cars were already parked in their garages. I looked over the heads bent over the two race cars, attending to what needed to be done.

  “Congratulations,” was all that Lorcan said, while wiping his hair with a towel. Carlos looked at me and, suddenly realising who I was, his face lit up, but I didn’t like it. He looked like the cat who’d got the cream.

  “I see you two have had a fight! Was that the reason you weren’t concentrating on the track?”

  The garage went silent and I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks.

  “We didn’t fight,” I said before Lorcan could answer.

  “Oh, really?” he mocked me.

  “Really,” I said, without looking at him.

  “Prove it!” he demanded, but I just brushed him aside with my hand.

  “We are not children, Carlos.”

  Before he could say anything, I quickly left the garage. All I heard was laughter. I wondered who the team members were laughing at.

  Outside it was hot and I understood why Lorcan’s hair was wet. Under the cap and helmet it must have been like a sauna. I wondered how the drivers managed to survive those hours in the heat.

  On the other side of the paddock there was nothing else other than communication centres and the trucks behind them. I wasn’t sure where I was allowed to go. I leaned on the wall behind the pit garage door, when they were suddenly opened. I wondered if someone had followed me, so I stayed where I was.

  I recognised the same mechanic that had offered me the earplugs.

  “I’m here,” I said. “You can tell them I’m not going anywhere and you don’t need to play babysitter. I know you don’t want this role.”

  He turned around and looked at me.

  “You’re not dumb,” he said slowly.

  “Are you hungry?” I thought about it. I’d started to feel hungry and because of that even more grumpy.

  “Yes I am,” I answered.

  “Right. Follow me.” I put the cap back on my head and he smiled. Asking him what was so funny, he explained that I was wearing Lorcan’s Car Team Manager’s cap. I looked dumb and I knew that.

  “I’m Bobby,” he introduced himself. When I wanted to do the same, he just laughed. He explained he’d been told who I was, so no introduction was needed. In any event, he had already seen me several times before, including the Crest Charity Ball in Budapest.

  He led me to the Crest communication centre where there was a restaurant on the first floor. I was surprised how everything was onsite. He showed me around and told me all I needed to know and answered my questions.

  Although the team restaurant was full of team members, no one joined us. We chatted about the races and the cars and I started to realise how much work was actually required on the race cars; why there were so many people to take care of one car and one driver. I was presented with a completely different side to Formula 1.

  Soon it was time for Bobby to go back to the garage. It was close to Friday’s second free practice. Although he would soon be missed, he left only when I promised I would stay close by. Finally, I was alone with my thoughts.

  I was trying hard to understand the game the three men were playing with me. What was that contract really about? And my so-called role in it? Was this some sort of way of getting at Lorcan and me together? I couldn’t imagine that, but then again I couldn’t think of any other reason. Nothing fitted together. If two things did, the third one didn’t and so the circle continued. From the racetrack, the roar of the engines could be heard, and I knew the next practice had started. I stayed where I was and was able to watch it on the large television screen in the restaurant.

  Before I knew it, everything was over and I was back in Crest’s Bentley again, heading to the hotel, without having spoken to Lorcan the whole day. I realised the three men had managed to create a new level of Dante’s Inferno and I was the only occupant.

  Crest invited me for dinner but I declined. I was not in the mood for company and I didn’t want to see Lorcan in person any more.

  “Right, I’ll send some food to your room,” he offered. I thanked him. We didn’t speak again the entire way back to the hotel.

  The evening was long and lonely, but I liked it that way. I was tired and didn’t know why, so I went to bed early. Putting my mobile on silent, I hoped for a peaceful night, which unfortunately didn’t happen as I just couldn’t sleep. My mind wandered until I eventually fell asleep in the armchair.

  In the morning, when the room phone rang to wake me up, I was
not able to remember either where I was or what I was doing there.

  The day that followed was the same as the day before. I was served breakfast in my room and then Crest came and took me to the La Pista Magica, the Italian name for the Monza circuit.

  Bobby was there and, no matter how much he had to do, he included me, explaining everything If I walked away, he came and led me back to the race car, filling me with data I would never remember or would even presume to understand.

  Well, my understanding was still in question. Every bit of information I was given opened many more questions. At the end I gave up and just listened.

  Between the third free practice and the qualifying race, Lorcan was gone and so was a blonde woman who had joined us in the garage just before the free practice had started.

  It made me smile to think of the expression on her face when she saw me. I wondered what confused her more: that I was there, or that I wore the team members’ clothes, while she was dressed as though she had come straight from a fashion boutique with a brand new hairstyle.

  I felt Crest’s eyes on me when that happened and I looked at him. A shrug let him know I couldn’t care less. I was actually quite happy with my camouflage.

  I went to get some food with Bobby and his colleagues when I saw them all; Carlos, Crest, the blonde woman and Lorcan sitting at the same table in the restaurant of the communication centre. Bobby looked at me and asked me if I wanted to join them, but I shook my head.

  We sat with the other mechanics and team members and actually had quite an enjoyable time. I had a feeling that the men had now welcomed me into their own small club. In any respect, I still felt their eyes on me.

  It was only one and a half hours until the qualifying race and the men returned to the garage. Although everything on the car was set to near perfection, they wanted to be sure. No one said a word when I joined them. I wanted to stay away from Shore as much as possible.

  Back in the box, I stepped to the corner and gave them space to work. Bobby wanted me to join him by the car but I shook my head. Too much was at stake for someone unprofessional to be seen near the racing car.

  Qualifying soon started and all the drivers were struggling to get the best possible time. Television cameras were everywhere. I pulled my cap even lower on my face and managed to avoid the attention of the media.

  The blonde woman stood alone on the other side of the wall and kept smiling into the camera the whole time. She looked ecstatic when she saw herself on the screen. I was relieved I wasn’t, however, when our eyes met I raised my thumb and she smiled.

  Suddenly all the weariness and tension lifted. The third part of qualifying ended and we all saw the chequered flag waving over the finishing line. Carlos was out, but he was too late to do another quick lap, then Lorcan managed to drive across the finish line before the flag and he still had a chance to improve his time.

  Not much later the cars were back in the garages and, although all expected that Lorcan would have pole position again, he didn’t get it. He came back third. I watched the press conference and, by the expression on his face, I saw he was tired.

  I hadn’t noticed that before. On the screen he looked like a beaten dog. I didn’t want to think what the reasons for his weariness were.

  Carlos was furious that he had qualified only sixth. Seeing him acting as he did, talking to his mechanics the way he did, made him even more repulsive to me than before. He was so loud that it was almost impossible to watch the press conference.

  I decided to leave because I felt tired and all I wanted was to be alone. Bobby had his work to do.

  I turned around and almost bumped into the blonde woman. We looked at each other and she opened her mouth to say something, but I smiled, apologised and left the garage.

  I was relieved when I emerged into the sun. All I needed to do was to find Crest’s Bentley and his driver, and somehow persuade him to drive me back to the hotel.

  I was not halfway to the communication centre when I heard someone calling me. Turning to face the garage, I saw they were there; Crest and, behind him, the blonde woman. I had a funny feeling … Were they stalking me?

  I waited for them to catch me up. Crest looked at me firmly and the blonde woman stared at the ground, probably watching her step. Her pumps were really high.

  “Do you want to leave?”

  I nodded.

  “The car is at your disposal,” he said. I thanked him. Meeting his eyes, I knew that was not all he wanted to talk to me about.

  “Will you take Molly with you?” Daniel understood my silence. I was not in the mood for company, but I knew I had no other option than to agree.

  “Sure. It’s your car.”

  “You don’t need to remind me. John knows what he must do. It’s just behind the communication centre.” He turned around and left us standing there. We looked at each other and suddenly I realised she was somehow … I was not sure what. It was a mixture of happiness, intimidation and. Well, the feeling was strange. Way too strange for me.

  “Right, let’s be off then,” I said. Hearing her short footsteps behind me, I knew I was walking far too fast for her. Suddenly I heard no footsteps, so I turned around and saw her walking behind me in her bare feet.

  “My feet hurt,” was all she said and I nodded. I believed her. Her heels were almost three and a half inches high. Back-killers, as Anne-Marie called them.

  Finally we found Crest’s car and were heading back to downtown Milan.

  We were silent the whole way. I looked out of the window on my side of the car and had no desire for conversation. I spotted her reflection in the glass and saw that she was watching me, but in the end she turned away.

  An hour later the car stopped in front of the hotel. I opened the door and stepped out without waiting for the driver. Nevertheless he was there almost at the same time as I was and the way he looked at me I knew I’d made a mistake. I shrugged my shoulders and thanked him.

  It was then I saw that Molly, as Crest had called her, had also got out of the car. When our eyes met she was apologetic.

  “I’m staying in this hotel too.”

  “Of course you are,” I said, a little bit more sarcastically than I had planned. She understood me all right, as she stepped in front of me and I almost bumped into her.

  “What’s your problem?” Her voice suddenly sounded firmer than before. Now that she had put her shoes back on, she was slightly taller than me.

  “I don’t have a problem,” I answered and went to walk past her. She prevented me by stepping in front of me again.

  “You don’t know me at all and yet…” she started.

  I raised my hand and silenced her.

  “And you don’t know me. Now leave me alone.”

  “Ladies,” said the driver.

  I turned around and we barked back in unison.

  “Stay out of it!”

  He didn’t say another word and he just drove off. I watched him disappear and then turned around to the hotel. I was expecting her to have gone, yet she was still standing in front of me.

  “Can I go?” I asked her politely. Her eyes were angry.

  “Right. I’m picking you up in an hour. We’ll talk!”

  I stepped around her and gritted my teeth.

  “The hell we will!”

  She took my arm and said:

  “I’m his cousin.”

  I answered my wake up call the next morning. Checking the clock I saw that it was already past seven. They had left me to sleep a little longer. My head felt like a big empty space. It was no wonder, considering the amount of drinks I’d had with Molly through the night, and how little I’d slept. I headed to the bathroom and took a long shower. That helped clear my head and all the pressure I felt before was gone.

  Leaving the room, I closed the door and headed for the elevator. The hallway was empty. I sighed with relief. The man I’d seen by the elevator two days ago was no longer there. I smiled at my own stupidity at letting my im
agination run wild.

  I was in the lobby and about to leave the hotel, when suddenly someone grasped my arm. I quickly turned around. The expression on my face must have been deadly as the man lowered his hand and took a step away from me. It was the same man I’d seen outside my room before. The one I thought .

  “What?” I hissed.

  “Breakfast is served in the dining room,” he said. I sighed and gritted my teeth. Thinking what to do, the door of the elevator opened again and through it stepped Crest together with Lorcan.

  “Oh, there you are,” Crest said loudly through the lobby when he spotted us. “That outfit is really right for you.” I was dressed again in the colours of Crest team.

  “Good morning,” I greeted them both, but didn’t comment on his compliment. I was avoiding Lorcan’s gaze.

  “Have you already had breakfast?” I wanted to lie. I opened my mouth to speak, when a man standing nearby, spoke.

  “No. Miss hasn’t had her breakfast yet.”

  Damn, what does he think he’s doing?

  “Great. We haven’t either. Let’s go,” said Daniel and took my arm. I had no other option than to go with him to the dining room. Lorcan followed us without saying a word.

  “Where’s Molly?” I asked Crest. He smiled and led me to the table.

  “She went home. I suppose you two talked?” He left the question hanging in the air and I didn’t want to answer. He was probably informed about every little thing.

  “You’re angry with me?” I was surprised by his question.

  “No. Why?”

  “Because of the guard,” he said simply. Before I managed to say anything, he continued.

  “It’s not one of mine. This one was set up by your brother.” I felt the rush of blood into my cheeks. I had not been angry before, but now I was furious.

  What the hell was Harry thinking - that I was a child?

  As the waitress was approaching us, I couldn’t reply for I surely would have if we had been alone. I took my coffee and declined the food.

  “You’ll be hungry.” Lorcan finally spoke. I looked at him directly and, as always, was mesmerised by his silver eyes. I planned to say something harsh to him, but decided to stay silent. Those eyes captured me and I almost spilled the coffee as my hands started to shake.