Slowly, his hand progressed down, carefully not to miss any part of my spine. I felt like butter, melting under his fingers. His hot lips on my neck woke me up. This was not what I had been asked to do.
I jumped up from the bed.
“What are you doing?” I asked. As he was not prepared for my sudden move, he fell back onto the pillow. He was laughing out loud. His black hair fell down over his forehead and he was trying to get it out of his eyes, which were sparkling with mesmerising silver.
“I thought you knew that’s why I’d called you over,” he chuckled. I blushed.
“I was giving you a friendly massage.”
“If that was a friendly massage, I wonder what kind of massages you give otherwise.”
He tried not to laugh but couldn’t help himself. I was still standing two steps away from him.
“Will you get up?” I asked him seriously. He was still laughing and hiding his face in the pillow. I waited for several minutes and then went to the door.
“I’ll call Tom. He’ll help you.”
Before he could protest, I opened the door and jumped at Tom’s sudden appearance. He was standing with his hand in the air.
“Christ, don’t do that!” Lorcan was laughing again. I looked at him and then back to Tom and, seeing his stoic expression, I couldn’t resist smiling.
“I’m sorry Tom. I didn’t mean to,” I apologised.
He nodded.
“It’s alright.”
“No, it’s not. It wasn’t nice of me. Will you help him get up?”
I stepped aside to allow him to enter the room.
“Of course. I would just like to inform you that Master Daniel is home.”
We both looked at him with genuine surprise on our faces. It was the weekend of the Singapore Grand Prix and it was impossible for Crest to come home. I knew Lorcan was in constant contact with him, but coming from that far away, back to England, it just wasn’t wise.
“What the hell is he doing here?” Lorcan gritted his teeth. “It’s the qualifying tomorrow.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t explain correctly. Little Master Daniel is home from school for the weekend.” We were both silent and I must have become pale. I hadn’t seen the boys after that first encounter in the garden.
“Desiree, are you alright?” said Lorcan. I looked from him to Tom and nodded.
“Can I help you?” Tom offered. I shook my head.
“No, I’m fine.”
I ran out of the room and locked myself into my room.
Although I was initially afraid of how I would manage to spend the weekend with a little boy I once thought was my own stolen son, it turned out to be a pleasant two days.
As forecasted, there was torrential rain for the weekend. There was no other option but to stay indoors and entertain each other. In the beginning I tried to stay away from Lorcan and Daniel, but they were constantly seeking me out. Finally I became tired of hiding.
From my first visit to the Crest mansion, the library of Ursula Crest was a forbidden place for me. I avoided it like the plague. Her words: ‘Promise me, she will not be invited anymore.’ were still ringing in my ears.
When they found me in Daniel’s grandfather’s library, I realised there was nowhere left to hide. I gave up and joined them. In the afternoon, Lorcan left and returned to his room because his leg was still in pain. I was left alone with little Daniel.
I had a hard time stopping myself from interrogating the little boy about his life, but somehow I managed. I had been convinced that he would leave me alone soon, as I was not particularly good company, or because he wanted to play some computer games; however, he surprised me by taking a book from the library and sitting beside me on the sofa.
I put down my own book when he presented me with his choice of reading. My heart stopped beating when he asked me to read it for him. I took it slowly from his hands and checked the cover. It was One Thousand and One Arabian Nights, the book I had loved as a child and that had been frequently read to me by Harry. My own childhood emerged from my memory.
After a few moments, I opened the book and looked at Daniel.
“Are you sure you want me to read this book to you?”
He nodded very seriously.
“Yes,” he said.
“Why?” I asked.
“My father is dead and my mum.” he started but then he stopped. He moved his eyes from my face and spoke very quietly.
“If you don’t want to, you don’t need to.”
He tried to take it away from me, but I was so shocked by his words that I clung onto the book very tightly.
“No! I will read it to you.”
His face finally lit up and he stopped pulling the book out of my hands. He waited in silence. I opened the book slowly and with every page I turned, I savoured the memories I had. It was the same edition Harry and I had in our house when we left England. So many years had passed since I’d visited it last. I started to wonder if it was not time to do so again, on my own.
His hand on mine reminded me I could not and should not be lost in my memories. Slowly, I opened the first chapter and started to read. The words of the story were coming back to me. They were like stars, hidden behind the clouds, always there, but not always apparent.
Somehow, without me noticing, Daniel managed to squeeze under my arm and lean against me, looking at the words as I read the book. When the first chapter was over, he asked me for one more. After that, he asked again. I couldn’t refuse him.
Suddenly I felt his hand on my cheek. He was wiping my face.
“You’re crying. Why?”
The words were caught in my throat. I didn’t know what to say to him. It would be unfair to tell him what was tearing my heart apart.
“I.” I started, but was cut off by Lorcan.
“She just loves the stories so much.”
I nodded.
“I remembered my brother had read this book to me when I was your age,” I told him.
He was looking from me to Lorcan.
“Did anyone read this book to you?” Daniel asked him. We both looked at him in anticipation. I really wondered if he had been a bookworm when he was a child, or whether he hated books.
“Yes they did. My grandmother.”
I was surprised. Somehow I couldn’t imagine him sitting still and patiently waiting for someone to read to him. Daniel was satisfied with his answer, but Lorcan saw suspicion in my eyes.
“I still love reading,” he said to me. “It’s just something the media doesn’t know.”
“Like you’re ambidextrous?” I remembered our first crazy love making. He was staring at me and something changed in his eyes. They became darker.
“Yes,” he answered. No one said anything for a while.
A knock on the door brought us back to the present. Lorcan answered and Tom entered. He informed us that dinner was ready and that it would soon be time for Daniel to go to bed.
I put the book down and Daniel offered me his hand. I took it and then he offered his other hand to Lorcan, but seeing him with his crutches, he quickly changed his mind. I had a really hard time coping, seeing that small hand in mine. All that had been taken from me was now offered to me again by this little boy. I knew I had tears in my eyes and swallowed back my sadness and grief, not wanting to show this bright child my sorrow; it would be unfair.
Like every little child, Daniel tried to postpone his bedtime. After dinner he found so many things he needed to do before going to his room. It was only when Lorcan threatened to call his aunt that Daniel gave in.
“Will you take me to my room?” he asked me with his pleading green eyes. I nodded in silence.
“I’ll join you,” Lorcan said, but Daniel refused him, telling him he would be unable to go upstairs.
“Will you come back down?” Lorcan asked me, and I nodded. When Daniel had let go of my hand and vanished down the hall in the direction of the library, Lorcan dismissed Tom as he wouldn’t be needing
him for the rest of the evening. The strange look on my face only made Lorcan laugh again.
“I’ll do it myself,” he said when Tom took his leave and Daniel came back running, with the book under his arm.
“Will you read to me?” he asked, and I agreed to just once more. Slowly, he led me to the second floor and I saw Lorcan going to the library.
Getting Daniel ready for bed was difficult for me because it gave me an insight into how my life could have been. But I managed to hide my sadness. I asked him where Andrew was, but was told simply that he had stayed at the boarding school. I didn’t press him further on the subject.
Getting him out of the shower and into his pyjamas, I realised I was finally allowed to experience what motherhood might have been like before it was cruelly taken away from me.
Clean, and in his pyjamas, he climbed into his bed and moved over to one side to allow me to sit beside him. I covered him with the blanket and once again he crawled under my arm and looked at the pages as I read them. He was a careful listener and if there was anything he didn’t understand he asked me.
Two chapters later I found him sound asleep. I put the book slowly down and gently moved him back onto the pillow.
I covered him with his duvet and got off the bed. He was sleeping peacefully, but I had a really hard time leaving him. Hearing a sound, I turned around and found Tom outside the door.
“He will sleep through the night,” he told me. “There will be no interruptions.”
I waved my hand.
“Even if there are, it’s no problem at all.”
“You don’t need to worry about it,” he said and went to close the door.
I smiled.
“You’re too late. He has found his way into my heart.”
Seeing Tom smiling, I didn’t know how to react.
“He does that, doesn’t he?” he said. I nodded. Without anything left to say, we left the upper floor and when I began to make my way downstairs, he told me that Lorcan was already in his room and in bed.
I didn’t want to interrogate the poor man further, so I just wished him good night and he left. Standing in the middle of the hallway, I tried to decide what to do. When the house was silent I knew what I wanted to do, but was unable to move. Finally, I realised I had no other choice if I didn’t want to sleep on the floor.
Going into Lorcan’s room, I saw that he was waiting for me, already tucked up in bed. He pulled back the silk bedding, and invited me in. I sighed and went into the bathroom, finding all my toiletries already there. I was about to protest, when I realised it was no use.
After my shower, I came back and he was still there, waiting. It was very inviting. Tempting as it was, I knew I should not give in. He was still in pain and, knowing the hunger inside both of us, it would be unwise to even try. We would do more damage than good, although it would be good.
Not joining him right away, he asked me where I was going as I made my way to the door. He stared as I opened the door wide.
“Daniel is alone upstairs. I don’t want him to wake or call for someone and no one hears him… .”
Slowly, I joined him on the bed and he took me into his arms, kissing my forehead.
“You really should have been a mother.” he quietly said, but I interrupted him.
“I am a mother. Just childless.”
The following day was Sunday and in the evening we were alone. Daniel left us with a promise he would try to visit again before we left. In the morning I read a new chapter to him while Lorcan was with his physiotherapist. In the afternoon we all watched the Singapore Grand Prix. Daniel was like the both of us, totally hooked. I could understand that, he was after all, raised eating, breathing and sleeping car racing.
I watched Lorcan more than I watched the race. It was written on his face how much he wanted to be there. It was one of the special races as it was happening in the evening. Although the racetrack was lit up, it was different to actual daylight, and that gave the race a charm that no other race had.
Unexpectedly, Lorcan watched the race without comment, apart from disagreeing with some of the decisions the stewards made. I didn’t want to provoke him, although I had a desire to know more about what he was thinking. In the end I saw it gave him too much pain not to be there and I didn’t want to rub any more salt into that wound.
Soon after the race, Daniel left. I wanted to read him one more chapter but was surprised when he refused. I asked him why.
“So I know I will see you again.”
It was pouring with rain outside for the following few days and the house felt like a prison. Well, when Lorcan saw my restlessness, he almost threw me out of the house. He knew I was staying in just because of him. But he also knew that he had his exercises to do, while I was just sitting there waiting for him.
When it finally stopped raining for a while, he ordered me to leave the house and go for a walk. When I was too far away from the house to run back, I was caught in a heavy downpour, so returned soaking wet to the horrified expression of both Tom and Lorcan. Seeing them looking at me like that, I didn’t have the heart to tell them how good it felt to walk in the rain.
Both men nearly had to drag me to my room, and ordered me into the bathroom for a hot shower. I had to laugh when I heard Tom mumbling through gritted teeth:
“I don’t need another patient in my house.”
The laughter that escaped from me was loud enough for him to hear me outside the bathroom.
“Well, when you start to sneeze and have a stuffed nose, don’t come running to me.”
It only made me laugh even louder. I took a long, hot shower. He was right. I could end up with a cold, or worse, a fever. I was not able to afford this now, when I was nursing Lorcan.
Enjoying the hot water, I started to wonder if that was really what I was doing. The truth was, I was keeping him company, but nursing him? - Definitely not. He had his daily visits from his physiotherapist and weekly visits from the team doctor. He didn’t really need me. So why was I still there?
Lorcan was sitting on the bed when I came out of the bathroom. I was dressed in a bathrobe, trying to stop my hair from dripping water on the floor.
“Come here,” he gestured for me to join him on the bed.
“Why?” I asked him, looking for mischief in his eyes. There wasn’t any.
“I can dry your hair better than you can.” I saw this as the perfect opportunity to question him further about his life and early childhood.
I sat between his muscular legs with my back to him, and let him take the towel out of my hands. We were silent as he started to rub my long hair. It felt good.
Another childhood memory surfaced. Harry used to dry my hair for me when I was a child. He knew our mother cared for me that way and he continued doing so after every bath I had.
I’d almost forgotten that I wanted to sort some things with Lorcan; I was lost in my memories.
“What it is?” he asked me after hearing me sigh. “Where are you?”
“Lost. This brought back some good memories.”
“Your mum?” he asked.
I nodded.
“Yes, of her too, but basically memories of Harry.” For a single moment his hand stopped drying my hair. When I felt the brush go through my hair he asked me more about my memories.
“Harry?”
“Yes. Harry.” Slowly, while he was brushing my hair, I told him our history. From the moment I remembered it.
The next morning, when I woke up, I was not sure what had happened. When did I fall asleep? I was stripped of my bathrobe and dressed in a large tee shirt I knew was not mine. Christ, I didn’t pass out, did I? The bed was empty on the other side, but I saw that the door was open. Listening more carefully, I heard male voices outside. I recognised them; Lorcan and Tom were talking.
Slowly, I got up and went to the door, where I surprised them. Before I managed to say a word, I was instructed to get back into bed. My bewildered look bemused them both.
“The doctor is on his way,” he told me.
“Why?”
He was watching me and sat down on the bed.
“You had a fever through the night.”
“Yeah, right!” I started to laugh. “Impossible.”
“You fell asleep talking to me.”
“That’s not proof of being feverish.”
I wanted to get up, but he was in my way.
“Do you have any recollection how you got into this?” He pointed to the tee shirt I was wearing. I looked down and shook my head.
“No.”
“I’ve sent for the doctor. He will be here soon.”
“Christ,” I rolled on to other side of the bed and got up. “I was tired, Lorcan, and basically emotionally drained. That’s why I fell asleep like I did. I’ve never told anyone so much about me. About my past. About my brother.”
Carefully he stood up. It didn’t look like I’d convinced him.
“I’m fine, Lorcan. Really,” I tried to reassure him. “Call off the doctor.”
That night we barely slept. The bedroom door had barely closed behind us and his hands were already on me. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me so deeply I forgot to breathe. Before my mind managed to react, my body responded wildly. I felt my nipples harden under my tee shirt.
Feeling his hand sliding down my back pulling my tee shirt out of my jeans just made my legs feel like jelly. If he hadn’t held me that tightly I would have slipped down his body. With one swift move he pulled my tee shirt over my head and dropped it on the floor. I did the same with his shirt.
My eyes were wide open. I was hungry for his body as much as he was for mine. His body had always shaken me, but in a good way. A slight sweat made all his mucles shine. I started to breathe sharply.
Slowly, keeping my eyes on his, I started to undo my bra. I dropped it onto the floor.
“Come here,” he said.
His voice was cracking with desire. I started slowly to unbutton my jeans.
“What if I do that?”
All That the Heart Desires Page 26
