The Seeker

by Ronica Black

  Kennedy turned from the window. “There’s nothing to see. Shawn’s married.”

  “From what I hear, that’s not much of a marriage.”

  They were interrupted by the sound of the boys rushing into the room, hair tousled, faces slack with sleep. Keri kissed them good morning and then got busy pouring them cereal. Landon turned on the television and settled down on the floor to watch cartoons. Luke followed, rubbing his eyes.

  Keri’s words burned Kennedy’s ears. She could see it in Shawn? Shawn was feeling the same way? No. Impossible. Shawn was just in pain. Kennedy refocused on her and saw her sit carefully in the sand. She was cold. And weak.

  Her need to comfort Shawn was becoming powerful and her feelings were quickly overwhelming her. She would care for Shawn, look after her, but from a safe distance. It was the only thing she could do. The right thing to do. And if her feelings of attraction continued, she would swallow them down until her time was up. What else could she do?

  She found some hot cocoa and busied herself heating up some water.

  “You’re going after her, aren’t you?” Keri asked, placing the two bowls of cereal on the table. “Boys, breakfast.” They trudged to the table and climbed up on the chairs. Natalie shook her bottle in her fists.

  “She looks cold,” Kennedy said, stirring in the mix.

  “She’s very pretty. And very nice. I can see why you like her.”

  “I’m just looking out for her.”

  Keri studied her. “Just be careful. She’s married to a very powerful woman. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

  Kennedy didn’t respond. She just took the mug and headed outside, hoping the fresh air would clear her mind and rid it of Keri’s words.

  She breathed in deeply, letting the sea air soothe her. A large teal-colored pool sat between the house and the beach, surrounded by the native foliage of palm trees and bushes. Suddenly, a beautiful vision assaulted her mind, of Shawn climbing out of the pool, running her hands through her wet blond hair, the ocean crashing behind her in the distance.

  It nearly caused her knees to buckle and her chest ached as if someone had socked her in the ribs. She had to stop for a few seconds and catch her breath. The image kept on. Shawn with glistening wet skin, water dripping from her hair. It was no longer Shawn at the pool. It was Shawn in the bath. She could smell the suds, see the candlelight flickering over her body.

  Kennedy’s own body churned with fire, heating her skin, shaking her up. She walked a ways out onto the beach, but she didn’t walk down to the water. Instead, she sat on a thick dune a good ways from Shawn and Phil and Larry. When Larry caught sight of her, she waved. Then she stared out at the sea and sipped the hot cocoa.

  What was she going to do about Shawn Ryan?

  *

  Shawn turned over and awoke clutching the bed covers to her chest. She blinked back the hot tears. She had been having another nightmare. This one about Veronica and Sloan Savage. Sitting up slowly, she swallowed back more tears as the dream’s harsh reality hit home.

  It was real. It had happened. Veronica had cheated. She’d driven the fact home that their marriage was over.

  The nightmare kept on. And on. And on.

  Shawn threw back the covers and went to rinse her face. Her injured shoulder screamed out at her as she bent to splash the cold water upon her skin. She looked in the mirror, noting the wound’s redness. She must’ve strained it in her sleep. Cringing once again at the horrible nightmare, she finished rinsing her face and filled a glass with water.

  As she studied herself in the mirror she wondered if she would ever be able to get over the affair. True, Veronica had apologized, and she had seemed devastated herself, with all the guilt that accompanied the affair. But was Veronica sorry for the affair, or sorry for getting caught and having to tell?

  She would like to think that Veronica was truly sorry for the affair, that it was a one-time thing. In Veronica’s words, “a serious and stupid mistake.” But she knew about all the others. It was just taking her mind and heart time to accept it all. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever be able to really do it.

  It just felt easier to cut and run. To pretend it never happened, that she and Veronica had never even been together.

  Feeling nauseous, she patted her face dry and walked back into the bedroom. The phone rang as she sat on the bed.

  “Hello.” Her voice was heavy with sleep.

  “Hi.” It was Veronica, and Shawn could hear people talking and moving around in the background.

  “Hi.” What did she want? She wished she’d at least have the courtesy to call her in private.

  “What’s wrong? Did I wake you?”

  “No, I’m up. I was having a nightmare.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, it was a bad one.”

  “About what?”

  “You and Sloan.”

  “Jesus,” Veronica whispered, as if offended.

  “Sorry, but it’s what’s going on with me. It eats at me night and day.” She grew angry. “No. You know what? I’m not sorry.”

  Veronica bit right back. “What do you want from me?”

  “How about the truth?” She hated this. Their bickering back and forth. It had been nice not to have to deal with it.

  “I’ve told you the truth, Shawn. And I can’t really talk about this right now.”

  “Then why did you call?”

  “I called to see how you were doing.”

  “I’m fine.”

  Veronica sighed, frustrated. “No, you’re not.”

  “You’re right, I’m not. But everything else is off-limits.”

  She was mad and she was hurt, but more than that she was betrayed because she’d lost faith. She’d lost her best friend, the person with whom she shared her life.

  “Don’t do this, Shawn. You know I can’t discuss this in front of everyone.”

  “I can do it. I finally can do it. If you can’t, then that’s your problem. If you don’t want to hear it, then don’t call.”

  There was silence. Shawn could hear the background noise. Then Veronica spoke. “How are the kids?”

  “Fine.”

  “They enjoying the new place?”

  “Yes, very much so. They really like Kennedy too.” Right away she realized what she’d done. And she didn’t care. It was the truth.

  “Kennedy?” She sounded surprised and a little annoyed.

  “Yes, she plays with them and they really enjoy having her here.”

  “What about you?” Veronica eventually asked. “Are you enjoying her?”

  Shawn laughed. She knew where this was headed and she was enjoying the jealousy dripping from Veronica’s voice. It was nice to have the tables turned, however wrong it was.

  “She’s nice.”

  “Don’t give me that,” Veronica whispered with anger. “You know damn well what I mean.”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Do you want to fuck her?” she asked loudly, getting right to the point. Shawn heard the numerous voices around her silence.

  “I’m going to go now, V. I’ve had quite enough.” She lay back in bed, staring at the ceiling. Veronica was getting carried away now, just like she always did when something got to her.

  “The way she looks at you, I should’ve known. Now she’s probably fucking you right under my nose. I wanted her to protect you and I bet she’s doing a hell of a job!”

  “Enough!” Shawn said loudly. “You have no right to behave this way. We are no longer together. Or have you forgotten that I’ve filed for divorce?”

  “I haven’t forgotten. Hardly. I’m just trying to be nice.”

  “Well, don’t bother. It’s a little late to play kind, caring Veronica.”

  “I want to work it out.”

  Shawn was shocked. “What?”

  “I’m sorry. We can work this out. I know we can.”

  “I don’t believe what I’m hearing.” She wanted to throw the phone ac
ross the room. Veronica still hadn’t admitted to the other women, to the drug use, to the lies. And she wanted to work it out? Was she out of her fucking mind?

  She clenched her jaw, so angry her chest hurt and her throat burned with barely harbored harsh words.

  “Good-bye, Veronica.”

  Veronica tried to speak again but Shawn ended the call, unable to take any more. She lay on the bed in silence, examining their brief conversation and her swirling emotions. She was so confused and so hurt it was a miracle she could think rationally at all. The images of Veronica and Sloan making love kept flashing in her mind like a torturous movie played over and over again. Even when she slept she couldn’t escape the hurtful scenes of the two of them grinding against one another. But why did it hurt? She examined her feelings. She was expecting jealousy but none came. Instead, she realized she was more upset because of what the image truly relayed. The marriage was over and had been for some time. Sloan and Veronica making love just confirmed what she had already known deep in her heart.

  Shuddering, she sat up and replaced the phone on its charger. Her stomach growled, protesting the lack of food it had endured lately. Her thoughts had been consumed with the whole affair thing, and on top of that there was the shooting and the threats. Oftentimes she wondered what else she could take. One tiny thing more and she might slip off the edge of sanity.

  Right now that edge was crumbling. V. Sloan. The shooting. The UNSUB, to use the FBI term. Kennedy. All of it again and again.

  She went to the dresser and retrieved a comfortable pair of sweats. As she dressed she thought about Kennedy and went over Veronica’s jealousy. Kennedy was attractive, very much so, but Veronica knew Shawn. She knew she’d never consider the idea. Shawn was too devoted. Too serious and usually way too caught up in her marriage. Usually. So it must be the fact that everyone had taken to Kennedy so well. The girls adored her, and she was finding Kennedy’s presence more and more enjoyable. Kennedy was intelligent and kind, a very warm person.

  Yes, she supposed there was good reason for Veronica to be jealous. Because the truth was, she was losing her children and Shawn to her. And Veronica had to be number one. Always.

  Rubbing her temples, she crossed to the bedroom door, ready to put Veronica from her mind for the time being. It flung open just as she was reaching for it.

  “Mommy!” the girls cried out with glee, attaching themselves to her lower body.

  An instant grin came along with the warming of her heart. The girls could always bring a smile. “Good morning, my little princesses,” she said, tousling their hair. The princess dresses they had on were pulled over pajamas, so they hadn’t been awake for very long.

  “Yes, we’re princesses, and that makes you the queen!” Rory exclaimed.

  “Yeah, and Kennedy is the king!” Kiley said with excitement.

  Shawn blushed at the innocent comment and tried not to respond. She didn’t know what to say.

  “No, dummy, Kennedy can’t be the king ’cuz she’s a woman,” Rory said.

  “Yes, she can! She can be a girl king.”

  “Nuh-uh. Mommy, tell Kiley that Kennedy can’t be a king ’cuz she’s a girl.”

  “Kiley, kings are men,” Shawn said, a part of her wishing they would drop it.

  “But what about Kennedy?” Kiley asked, pushing out her lower lip. “Kennedy has to be something.”

  “Come on, let’s go downstairs and I’ll fix you breakfast.” She led the girls from the bedroom.

  “Kennedy’s cooking breakfast already,” Rory reported, holding Shawn’s hand.

  “She is?” Shawn was pleasantly surprised. They usually didn’t see Kennedy until after breakfast when she and Keri and the kids came by to play.

  “Yeah, she’s making pancakes!” Kiley said. She grabbed Shawn’s other hand and they all three walked down the stairs.

  “Mommy?” Kiley asked softly.

  “Yes?”

  “Do knights have to be boys?”

  “I’m not sure, honey.”

  “’Cuz Landon and Luke are knights and I think Kennedy could be a knight too.”

  “Yeah!” Rory proclaimed.

  They hit the bottom of the stairs and Shawn could immediately smell the warm scent of a homemade breakfast. The girls released her hands and ran into the kitchen ahead of her, calling out to Kennedy. The boys were there too, running around with fake swords in the air. Keri sat on the sofa bouncing Natalie on her lap. She greeted Shawn with a smile.

  “Good morning. Hope we didn’t wake you. The boys were anxious to see the girls. You’re lucky we weren’t here at six.”

  Shawn laughed. “Wow, yeah, thanks for holding off for a while.”

  Kennedy turned from the stove top and smiled, a spatula in hand. She had on khaki cargo capris and a plain white V-neck tee. A simple gold cross rested on her olive skin just below the base of her throat, her hair swept back into a loosely twisted bun. Her eyes shone as Luke bounded up to her requesting some orange juice.

  “Give me a kiss first,” she requested, bending. Luke wrapped his arms around her neck and kissed her and then hung on for a brief spin around the kitchen. Shawn rested her cheek against her hand, pleasantly amused.

  Kennedy poured the juice into a sippy cup and Luke disappeared, cup shoved in his mouth, pinky finger extended.

  “Good morning,” Kennedy said, focusing on Shawn.

  “Morning.” Shawn straddled a stool and continued to watch her as she cooked.

  Kennedy flipped the pancakes and then turned off the stove. She placed the plate of fresh flapjacks on the kitchen island in front of Shawn. The kids were running up and down the stairs with excitement, retrieving more toys before they were called to breakfast.

  “These look great,” Shawn said, eyeing the pancakes. More than anything she wanted to look up at Kennedy, but she was sure her attraction would be written all over her face.

  “Thanks.” Kennedy smiled once again. “You look like you could use a good meal.”

  “I look that bad, huh?”

  “No.” Kennedy’s face fell.

  “It’s okay, I can take it.” Shawn held up her hand, knowing she probably looked worse than she felt.

  “You haven’t been eating much. And from what Monty says, your sleeping hasn’t improved much either.”

  “You’re very perceptive.” And so kind and thoughtful. Shawn stared at her, longing to get lost in the tenderness of her eyes. God, she could really just fall right into her.

  “It’s my job,” Kennedy replied with a half grin.

  “Kennedy, look!” Kiley exclaimed suddenly, holding up a plastic sword. “You’re a knight!”

  “I’m a knight?”

  “No, she’s not a knight yet,” Rory said, Landon standing by her side.

  “Yeah. Antie Kenny, first the queen has to knight you.”

  They looked to Shawn. “Yeah, Mommy. You’re the queen, you have to make Kennedy a knight.” Kiley walked over to Shawn and held out the sword. Shawn took it, though reluctantly.

  “I don’t know, girls. Maybe Kennedy doesn’t want to be a knight.” Shawn felt unusually embarrassed, so much so that she couldn’t bring herself to look back at Kennedy.

  “Sure she does!” Rory exclaimed, looking up at Kennedy. “Don’t ya?”

  Kennedy stood straighter and held her hand over her heart. “I would be honored.”

  Shawn wanted to laugh. And then collapse. She felt so out of control.

  “Okay then. You have to go kneel before Mommy…I mean the queen.” Rory took Kennedy’s hand and led her around the kitchen island.

  Once in front of Shawn, Kennedy hesitated slightly, glancing at her, waiting for someone to object. But the kids acted quickly.

  “Okay, Mommy, now you stand up,” Rory directed her. Shawn gave Kennedy an “I’m sorry” look as she stood and took the sword. Kennedy smiled warmly in return, letting her know it was okay.

  “Now, Kennedy, you kneel before Mommy,” Rory said with Kile
y jumping up and down in excitement next to her. Landon just grinned from ear to ear.

  “But you have to pretend she’s a queen.” Rory giggled, clapping her hands in anticipation.

  “Okay,” Kennedy said, unable to hide her smile. She knelt on one knee and bowed her head before Shawn. The kids giggled hysterically, so excited they could hardly contain themselves. But Rory kept the ball rolling.

  “Mommy, touch her shoulders with the sword and say, ‘I knight thee Madame Kennedy.’”

  Shawn swayed a little with embarrassment and adrenaline. There was a beautiful woman down on her knee in front of her. She cleared her tight throat and touched Kennedy on the shoulders, praying she wouldn’t look up at her.

  “Say it, say it!” Landon said.

  “I knight thee Madame Kennedy,” she said in a whisper. Kennedy raised her head slowly and locked eyes with her. Shawn took an unsteady step back as the fiery golden brown blazed.

  The kids didn’t seem to notice.

  “Now Madame Kennedy has to kiss the queen’s hand,” Rory said, making sure the deed was done properly.

  “Yeah, yeah!” Kiley said loudly, clapping once again.

  Kennedy hesitated slightly and then reached out and took Shawn’s hand. She brought it slowly up to her mouth and Shawn shuddered as she felt her warm breath against her skin.

  “Your majesty,” Kennedy said softly just before placing a lingering warm kiss on the back of her hand.

  The kids cheered loudly and hopped around as Shawn pulled her hand back and looked away, her skin hot and hungry from the feel of Kennedy’s lips. Powerfully stirred, she gave Kennedy a quick smile and then excused herself. She walked quickly into the nearest restroom to get hold of herself. She stared at herself in the mirror and willed her heart to slow.

  What’s wrong with me? Am I crazy? I can’t be attracted to Kennedy Scott. But as she thought over the reasons why, she realized that the main reason was growing ever dimmer. No longer did her marriage ring out loud and true. It had been forever tainted. It was gone.

  She rinsed her face with cold water and reminded herself that there were still several other reasons why she couldn’t risk being attracted to Kennedy. And two of them were out in the kitchen most likely chowing down happily on pancakes.