by Lila Kane
I slide on flip flops and walk out the door, down the short set of stairs, and onto the sidewalk. My breath hitches and I press my hands over my face, telling myself to calm down. I’m afraid if I let the emotion come up, I’ll break down completely, and I can’t do that. Not again.
You’re okay, Brianna. It hurts and it’s hard, but you’ll live.
Once my breathing is normal, I start walking. The evening is cooling fast and I regret not bringing a jacket. Oh well. Just another thing to screw up my day.
A job. That’s all. I need a job, I need a computer to keep my business going, and then I’ll go from there. One step at a time.
I’ve gotten over heartbreak before. I’ve been on my own before. I can do this. And this time, I’m not really on my own. I have Deb.
Still, that’s not much. I miss Michael and his family. I miss everything I had last week. And it has nothing to do with the money.
Still, what do I do about the money? I can’t keep it. I didn’t even make it through the whole year. That means the contract is null and void.
“Brianna?”
The voice startles me and I nearly trip.
“Hey—are you okay?”
I turn to see Liv. My heart clutches. I haven’t seen her since before everything happened with Michael, even though she tried to call. Now I feel guilty. I should have at least sent her a text to let her know I’m okay.
“Hi,” I say, continuing my walk.
She keeps up with me. “Brianna…I’m sorry for just showing up like this, but I tried calling and I never heard back.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I needed space. I…” I glance over, my eyes narrowed. “You’re not here because of Michael, are you? I mean, if he sent you to talk to me, I don’t want to talk.”
“No. No,” she repeats more firmly. “I came because I wanted to see if you were okay and because…well, I thought we were friends.”
The guilt bites at me again. “I’m sorry, I should have called you back. You’ve never been anything but nice to me. I should have called.”
She stops and wraps me in a hug. I sink into it, emotions spilling over.
“Brianna…you were like a sister to me. No matter what happens with Michael, I care about you. I want to know you’re okay.”
“I’m sorry,” I blubber.
“Don’t apologize. Just know that I’m here for you.”
I sniffle. “Okay. How are you?”
She pulls back with a laugh. “Just fine. Work is good and the website is amazing. I have, like, six more people who want your services.”
“Really? Like real clients or ones your brother set up?”
She blinks, looking confused. “What do you mean?”
I sigh and then shake my head. “Sorry. That wasn’t fair. I’d really, really love to do more websites.”
“Good. I can give you all the info.”
I feel better already, being able to talk to her about real life and work. And knowing I have more jobs potentially lined up. I’ll get on them right away. I’ll work on the computer at the library if I have to, but I’ll get back on my feet.
“So…” Liv gives me an apologetic smile. “I have to say it because I’m his sister. Michael feels really bad. And…well, he told me the truth.”
I stop walking, shocked. “About what?”
“Everything. The arrangement, the stuff with Chet, and how he—he told you he isn’t right for you because of the kid thing.”
“The—wait, what? The kid thing?”
“Yeah, about him not being able to have kids. And he—”
“Hold on. Michael can’t have kids?”
She opens her mouth, closes it, then tries again. “I thought you knew. I mean, he told me he told you he couldn’t give you what you want but he still felt bad because of the way it ended. And—and I know how much he cares about you…I just thought maybe you could work through it or…”
My mind is whirling with the new information. But no, I have to stay strong. Even though I’m confused, that doesn’t change the overall picture.
“He lied to me,” I say quietly.
Liv nods. “He said he did, which…that’s not right. But I understand. It was Chet, right? I mean…okay, so don’t get mad at me…” She reaches into her large purse and pulls out a manila envelope. “He showed me these pictures.”
I frown. “What are they?”
“Stuff about Chet and—God, the guy is crazy. And then there’s this video, and—”
“Video? Liv…” I sigh, weary. “I’m trying to move on. This is hard for me, too.”
“I know. I swear I know. And I promise Michael didn’t send me—I just wanted you to know the truth. Chet was following you and he tried to set Michael up and Chet said he’d make trouble for you and Michael if he didn’t let you go. And—and I know that’s not ultimately why Michael said you shouldn’t be together—but it’s why he didn’t tell the whole truth in the first place. He was trying to protect you and trying…to get Chet out of the picture, I guess. Without having to hurt you.”
I press a hand to my heart, right where it’s aching so bad I can barely stand it. I take the envelope, but shake my head. “I don’t know if I can do this anymore, I…”
She leans in for a hug. “I know. And I understand. I’m here if you need to talk. And I’ll get you those clients’ names.”
I nod and watch as she walks away, the envelope clutched in my hand. I turn and walk back to the apartment. It smells heavenly when I step inside, but I’m not hungry anymore. All I want to do is sleep away the pain.
I toss the envelope on the counter as I pass.
“What’s that?” Deb asks.
“It’s from Liv. It’s…I don’t even know. I can’t deal with it right now.”
Deb studies it. “Can I look?”
“I don’t care. Do whatever you want, just leave me out of it.”
She nods and fills my wine glass. “How about you drink this and we won’t talk about Michael anymore tonight?”
I sit down, my stomach settling a little. “Promise?”
“Promise.”
30
“Everything is in order,” Derek says. “The rest of contract is void, but I made sure the money was transferred.”
“She’ll just try to send it back.” I shrug.
I know Brianna well enough now. She doesn’t want the money, even though she earned it. I tried to talk to her, to tell her she should at least get what she earned for the three months we were together. But she wouldn’t take my calls.
Giving her the money is just another gesture, the only way I can apologize. But still, I don’t think she’ll keep it.
“We’ll see what happens,” Derek says, standing. “In the meantime, I have a few other things for you to look at.”
I stand and walk to the windows. “Can it wait until tomorrow?”
Derek clears his throat. “Of course. I’ll be back tomorrow.”
I nod, but don’t turn around.
“And Michael?” Derek says. “I’m really sorry.”
I hear him walk out the door and sigh. I’m sorry, too. I tried calling Brianna the instant I couldn’t find her outside the office building but she wouldn’t answer. Why can’t she just give me the chance to explain everything?
Chet had told me if I didn’t leave his work, he’d make things even worse for me and Brianna, so I’d done what he asked. Even if I still planned on filing a restraining order. But I left and I kept my mouth shut and believed that Chet would keep up his end of the bargain. What an idiot! I knew guys like that and they always fucked you over. What made Chet any different?
But still…Brianna deserves something better. She deserves a man who’s open with her, who can give her kids. She deserves everything, and I can’t give it to her.
And yet, I can’t let go. At the very least, I want to apologize. I want to do what I can to help her move on. And, yeah, I just want to see her one more time.
It’s selfish, bu
t it’s how I feel.
When the door opens again, I think it’s Derek coming back, but then I see Liv.
She looks good. Way better than I feel. She even smiles, which makes me feel worse. I’d let her down, too. And my parents. I’d let everyone down because I hadn’t just been honest from the get-go.
“Hey.” She walks over and gives me a hug. “How are you?”
“I feel like shit.”
Her shoulders droop. “I’m sorry. I wish I could fix this. I really do.”
“Not much anyone can do.”
She steps back. “Well…I tried.”
I watch her walk around to the other side of the desk and sit. I continue to stand by the window, my arms crossed. “You tried? What does that mean?”
“I mean, I went to talk to her.”
“Liv.”
“Don’t be mad. Please. I wanted to see how she was. If she was okay.”
I swallow. “Was she okay?”
“She looked…” Liv gives me an apologetic smile. “Tired. Sad.”
My gut clenches. God, I’d really hurt her.
“She was a little angry, too,” Liv says.
“Yeah, she was a little angry when she left.” Which is pretty much the only thing that pisses me off. She didn’t take a moment to hear my side of things.
But even if she had, would that have mattered? I’d told her we weren’t right for each other, and it was the truth. As much as it kills me—still kills me—I’m not the person for her.
“I think she just needs time. And some…clarity.” Liv nods. “That’s all.”
“Why do I get the feeling you interfered even more?”
“I just…gave her the pictures of Chet. And the video.”
I curse. Great. Brianna is trying to move on and Liv got in the way. But I can’t fault Liv. I keep getting in the way, too. Sending Brianna flowers, trying to call. Giving her money.
Maybe it’s time to move on. But at least she knows the truth about Chet now—if she decided to watch the video. The one that shows Chet threatening me. Threatening Brianna. Yeah, I’d gone down to his work, but Chet had been the one who’d gotten worked up. It also showed him and a friend outside the building after work, and Chet’s friend giving him a nice shiner and a fat lip.
A beating he no doubt blamed on me when he talked with Brianna.
“She’ll come around,” Liv says. “I’m sure of it.”
My secretary buzzes in. “Your next appointment is here.”
I frown. I didn’t think I had a meeting for another hour.
“I’ll just let you get to it, then,” Liv says, standing quickly.
“Wait—what did you do? What’s going on?”
She doesn’t answer, only walks to the door and opens it. Brianna is on the other side. Liv hugs her and then leaves, shutting the door behind her.
I freeze by the desk, not sure what to do. Brianna looks…amazing. Tired, yes. Unsure, a little. But so beautiful.
“I…” I swallow. “I didn’t know you were coming.”
“It was a last-minute appointment. I hear you might need my services with a new website.”
“A website…” I say slowly. Is that really why she’s here? I mean, yeah, we need an update. Something new. Sleek. But…that’s the only reason? Just to talk about work?
“Should I reschedule?” Brianna asks.
“No.” I give myself a mental shake. “Now is good. Please, have a seat.”
I try to stay professional, but it’s hard when she looks so good. When all I want to do is walk to her and draw her into my arms and tell her how sorry I am. Do anything to make this right for her.
I keep myself in check, though, and sit across from her. “Thank you for coming.”
“Well, I need the work,” she says softly.
At least she doesn’t look angry. Either that or she’s doing a great job covering it up. But really? She wants to work together after everything that’s happened? I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know if she can do that, though Brianna has surprised me so many times in the past, I should remind myself that she’s capable of anything.
She’s amazing, and I wish I hadn’t fucked things up with her so badly.
“So, uh…” I clear my throat. “I’ve already seen your work so you don’t have to convince me you’re the right person for this. It’s your job if you want it.”
“A new website?”
I nod. “And everything that goes with it. Business cards as well. Also, uh…” I shuffle around my desk, looking for the packet my PR person had brought me. I’m so unfocused, I can’t even tell her what it is we need. “I have a packet for you.”
She nods. “It’s fine. I don’t need it right now.”
“Okay. We can talk about payment. I know what you charge—”
“You already paid me,” she says.
I meet her eyes. So she’d seen the money in her bank account. “That wasn’t for a job.”
“Then I should return it.”
“No.” I lean forward in my seat. It takes everything I have not to reach out for her. “The money’s yours. In fact, you deserve more.”
“I don’t think so.”
“If you read the entire contract you’d see that you still get compensated for each month you put into the relationship.”
She blinks. She didn’t know that.
“You should at least take your share,” I tell her.
Instead of responding to that, she says. “I’m kind of getting sick of contracts.”
It’s the first flicker of irritation I’ve seen from her. Part of me is relieved. That means we’re not going to keep this professional façade. Maybe we’ll finally get things out in the open.
“I’m getting sick of contracts, too,” I tell her. “Maybe we could just…talk. Be open. Tell the truth.”
“Can you?” she asks. “Tell the truth?”
“Yes.”
“Everything?”
“Whatever you want to know, I’ll tell you.”
31
“Liv gave me some pictures and a video,” Brianna says.
“Did you look at them?”
“No. I want the truth from you.”
Michael nods and leans back in his chair, keeping his eyes on mine the entire time he explains the situation with Chet. How Chet threatened to make my life worse if he told me the truth about the visit and what was really on the video. It’s a shock to me. Deb told me I needed to see it, but by that point, I’d decided I needed to hear it from Michael.
What he’s saying is crazy, but I don’t doubt he’s telling the truth.
“I…” I consider my words before answer. “I believe you.”
“I’m telling you the truth,” he says. “And from here on out, I’m an open book.”
The words hit me right in the heart. From here on out. Like he believes there will be more after this. But he can’t be thinking anything more, can he? Just friends, right? Because he already told me we aren’t right for each other.
I lean back in my seat. “Okay,” I whisper. “That’s all I needed to know.”
He angles his head. “What?”
“I appreciate you trying to look out for me with Chet. That was a very…noble thing to do.” Something someone who truly cares about you might try to do. And it gives me some of the closure I need.
It doesn’t take away the pain of him not sharing the same feelings I do, but it helps clear up the rest. And it shows me what a good guy Michael is.
“I’m sorry, then,” I say. “I should have believed you and trusted you about Chet. You were trying to look out for me, and I couldn’t see that because…because I was hurt about everything else. So, thanks. And, again, I’m sorry.”
I struggle with everything else I want to say, but tell myself to let it go. Michael has told me how he feels, and I don’t want to hash it out again. I want to respect his feelings, and I don’t want to ruin things between us. I don’t want to leave hating him or him hatin
g me.
“So, I…” I shift in my seat, and then stand. “I can be in touch about the job? Is that okay? Or would it be better to just—to take a break for a while?”
His mouth opens, like he’s not sure what to say.
I shake my head. “Sorry. That’s a lot of pressure. I’ll go. And—and if I hear from you, then we can figure it out. And if not, I promise I won’t hold it against you.”
I turn to the door, but before I can blink, Michael is in front of me. “Brianna.”
My breath catches. “What?”
“That’s it? You just wanted to know about Chet and that’s it?”
“Well, yeah. I mean…” What am I supposed to say? He’s staring at me with those intense blue eyes, smelling so good, standing so close. What I want to say is I love you, but I know I shouldn’t. It’ll just make this harder.
“What about the rest?” he asks. “What about us?”
Why’s he doing this? Maybe he needs closure as much as I do?
“I…I just don’t want to—to make this harder for you. I know how you feel. That—that you don’t think you’re the right person for me.” I lower my chin, trying not to cry. “I’m trying to accept that. To—to respect your decision.”
“It’s not my decision. It’s a fact.” He lifts my chin. “It’s not what I want. It’s what’s right for you.”
I nearly break at his touch. God, I’ve dreamed of this every night. But, still…it’s not right. We’re not on the same page.
“I know that you cared for me,” I say. “Truly. But if you don’t want to be with me—”
“I want to,” Michael says. “I don’t want to be with anyone else. I want you.”
“But—”
“I said I’m not right for you because I can’t give you what you want.”
“Kids?” I choke on a painful laugh. “You think that’s all I want? Of course I want a family. But first comes a man I’m in love with. And then—then we figure it out together. I can adopt kids, I can—”
He doesn’t let me finish, just leans in and kisses me long and hard. My whole body responds to it, leaning into him, wanting to shut out the rest of the world and feel.
I pull back, though. “Michael. This—I can’t just—”
