The Passion

by L. J. Smith

  And it was good just to hold her and touch the softness of her skin. He wanted to hold her hard, not to hurt her but to keep her safe, to show her that he was strong enough to protect her. Her beauty was like fire and strange music, and he loved her.

  And he could love her, because she didn't belong to anyone else, and she loved him back. She'd given it all up for him.

  For an instant he felt a flicker of guilt at that, but it was swept aside by a fierce desire to hold her closer. To be closer. He couldn't keep himself in check any longer. He reached for her mind, a tendril of thought extending to caress her senses.

  Kaitlyn recoiled. Not just pulling away from his mind, but pulling out of his arms. He could feel her trying to fling up shields against him.

  Leaving him stricken, utterly bewildered, and bereft. Cold because she'd taken all the warmth in the universe away with her.

  Suspicion knifed through him, unavoidable this time.

  What is it you don't want me to see?

  "Nothing!" She was frightened-no, panicked. His suspicion swelled until it was larger than both of them, until it blocked out everything else. He threw words at her like stones.

  "You're lying! Don't you think I can tell?" He stared at her, controlling his breath, forcing his voice into velvety-iron tones. "It wouldn't have something to do with Kessler coming around here this afternoon, would it?"

  "Rob-here?"

  "Yeah. I felt his mind and tracked him down to the redwood trees out back. You're telling me you didn't know?"

  Her eyes were still wide with surprise-but he saw, and felt, the flash of guilt. And his suspicions were confirmed.

  "What are you really doing here, Kaitlyn?"

  "I told you. I-"

  "Stop lying to me!" Again he had to stop to control himself. When he spoke again his voice was like ice because he was made of ice. "You didn't break it off with him, did you? And you're not here to join us. You're a spy."

  "That's not true. You won't even give me a chance-"

  "I told them all that I'd seen into your mind-but I never really did. You made sure of that. You did a wonderful job of tricking me."

  Her eyes were large and fierce with pain. "I didn't trick you," she said in a ragged voice. "And if you think I'm a spy, then why don't you go tell Joyce? Why don't you tell them all?"

  He was calm, now, because a block of ice can't feel. "No, I won't do that. I'll let you do it to yourself. And you will, sooner or later-probably sooner, because the old man isn't stupid and Frost will pick things up. You'll betray yourself."

  There was a blue flame of defiance in her eyes now. "I'm telling you, I am not a spy," she said.

  "Oh, right. You're perfectly sincere. I believe you completely." Quick as a striking snake, he bent over her, thrusting his face close to hers. "That's fine, as long as you remember one thing. Keep out of my way. If you mess with my plans, angel-no mercy."

  Then he left, stalking out of the room to be alone with his dark bitterness.

  Kaitlyn cried herself to sleep.

  "Bri-school! Frost-testing!"

  The shouting voice in the hall woke Kaitlyn. She felt languid and stupid, with a stuffed-up nose and a bad headache.

  The door banged open. "Lydia-school! Kaitlyn, you're going to school, too. I arranged it yesterday, and I'm coming in with you today."

  Thanks for telling me, Kaitlyn thought, but she got Up-painfully, because every muscle seemed to be aching. She stumbled to the bathroom and began to go through the routine of dressing like a programmed robot. Shower, first.

  The warm water felt good on her upturned face, but her mind kept leaping back to what had happened with Gabriel last night. At first everything had been so wonderful-and then ... it had hurt her to see his eyes like holes in his face and his mouth tight to keep it from working.

  You ought to be glad it all turned awful, a voice inside her whispered. Because if it had stayed good- well, what would you do? What would you do about Rob?

  She didn't know what she would have done. Her entire middle was a tight ball of anguish and she was so confused.

  It didn't matter. Gabriel hated her now, anyway. And that was good, because she was going to be true to Rob. It was good-except for the minor fact that Gabriel might denounce her to Mr. Z and get her killed.

  Tears mingled with the shower spray on her face. Kaitlyn turned her head aside to take a deep, shuddering breath, and that was why she didn't see the shower curtain being pulled open.

  The first thing she knew was a rough hand closing around her wet arm.

  "What do you think you're doing? Get out of there!" Bri shouted, adding a string of expletives. Kaitlyn had to step over the side of the tub or fall over it-she was being dragged out. Naked and stunned, she shook her hair back and stared at the other girl.

  "You think you can use all the hot water again? Like you did last night?" That was the gist of what Bri was yelling, although actually every other word was a curse. Kaitlyn stood dripping on the tile floor, dumbfounded.

  "You think you're better than us, don't you?" Bri shouted. "You're Little Miss Responsible, teacher's pet. You can use all the water you want to. You've never had it hard."

  The sentences were disjointed, and again Kaitlyn had that sense of something being off, as if Bri couldn't actually get a fix on what was making her angry. But her anger and resentment were clear enough.

  "Everybody's darling," she mocked, cocking her head back and forth, with a finger to her chin-a bizarre Shirley Temple impersonation. "Looks so sweet- "

  Something snapped. Kaitlyn's temper had always been combustible, and now it ignited like rocket accelerant touched with a match. Naked as she was, she seized Bri and slammed her against a wall. Then she pulled her away and slammed her back again. Bri's mouth fell open and her eyes showed white. She fought, but fury gave Kaitlyn inhuman strength.

  "You think I've always had things easy?" she yelled into Bri's face. "You don't know how it was back in Ohio. I was from the wrong side of the tracks anyway, but to top it off, I was a witch. You think I don't know what it's like to have people cross themselves when you look at them? When I was five the bus driver wouldn't take me to school-she said my mom ought to get me blessed. And then my mom died-"

  Tears were sliding down Kaitlyn's cheeks, and she was losing her anger. She slammed Bri again and got it back.

  "Kids at school would run up and touch me for a dare. And adults would get so nervous when I talked to them-Mr. Rukelhaus used to get a twitch in his eye. I grew up feeling like something that ought to be put in the zoo. Don't tell me I don't know what it's like. Don't tell me!"

  She was winding down, her breath slowly calming. So was Bri's.

  "You dye your hair blue and do stuff to look weird-but you're doing it yourself, and you can change it. I can't change my eyes. And I can't change what I am."

  Suddenly embarrassed, Kaitlyn let go of Bri's arms and looked around for a towel.

  "You're okay," Bri said in a voice Kaitlyn hadn't heard her use before. Not a sneering tough-girl voice. Kait looked around, startled.

  "Yeah, you're okay. I thought you were a goody-goody wimp, but you're not. And I think your eyes are cool."

  She looked more sane than she had since Kait had met her.

  "I-well, thanks. Thank you." Kait didn't know whether to apologize or not; she settled for saying, "You can use the shower now."

  Bri gave a friendly nod.

  It's strange, Kait thought as Joyce drove her to school. Bri, Lydia, and Renny had gone in Lydia's car. It's strange, but for a while there she sounded just like Marisol. What was it Marisol said that first night? You kids think you're so smart-so superior to everyone else.

  But we didn't think that; it was just Marisol's paranoia-a very particular kind of paranoia. Kaitlyn shot a look at Joyce under her eyelashes. And Joyce has that kind, too-thinking she isn't getting what she's due.

  They all think the world is out to get them-that they're special and superior but everybody is
persecuting them. Can the crystal do that?

  If it can, it's no wonder they're out to get the world first.

  Joyce checked her in to school, and Kaitlyn found herself going to the same classes she had when she'd come to the Institute. The teachers put her absence down as a vacation, which was mildly amusing. It was surrealistic, like being in a dream, to sit in British literature again, with all these kids whose lives were quiet and boring and completely safe. Who hadn't had anything happen to them in the last few weeks; who hadn't changed at all. Kaitlyn felt out of step with the whole world.

  Watch it, kid. Don't you get paranoid.

  At lunch several people asked her to sit with them. Not just one group, but two, called to her in the cafeteria. It was the sort of thing Kaitlyn had always dreamed about, but now it seemed trivial. She was looking for Lydia-she wanted to talk to that girl.

  Lydia wasn't in evidence. Bri and Renny were off in a corner, bullying people and probably extorting lunch money. Kaitlyn wondered how their teachers dealt with them.

  I'll look around by the tennis courts, she thought. Maybe Lydia's eating her lunch out there.

  She was crossing in front of the PE building when she saw three people crowded in the doorway of the boy's locker room. They were looking out from behind the little wall that kept people from seeing in the open doors, and they seemed ready to duck back at any moment. The weird thing was that one of them was a girl. A girl with long dark braids . . .

  And the tallest boy had hair that shone in the sun like old gold. Kaitlyn's heart leaped into her mouth and choked her. She ran.

  "Rob-you shouldn't be here," she gasped as she got behind the wall. And then she was hugging him hard, overcome by how dear and familiar and honest and loyal and safe he was. His emotions wide open- not icy and shielded. She could feel how much he cared for her, how glad he was that she was alive and unhurt.

  "I'm fine," she said, pulling back. "Really. And I'm sorry for running away without telling you-and I don't know why you're not mad."

  Lewis and Anna were crowding around her, smiling, patting her as if to make sure she was real. They were all so dear and good and forgiving. . . .

  "We were worried about you," Anna said.

  "We camped out yesterday near the Institute Hoping you'd come out," Lewis said. "But you never did."

  "No-and you can't do that ever again," Kait said shakily. "Gabriel saw you. I don't think anybody else did, thank God, but he's bad enough."

  "We won't have to do it again," Rob said, smiling. "Because we've got you now. We'll take you with us-even though we don't exactly have a place to go yet. Tony's working on that."

  Kait thought he had never looked so handsome. His eyes were amber-gold, clear and full of light like the summer sky. His face was full of trust and happiness. She could feel the radiant energy of his love.

  "Rob... I can't." The change in his expression made her feel as if she'd hit an innocent child in the face.

  "You can." Then, as she kept shaking her head: "Why not?"

  "For one thing, if I disappear, they'll think I've betrayed them and they'll do something to my father. I know they will; I feel it in Joyce. And for another thing-Rob, it's working. I've got them snowed. They believe I've come back to join them and I've already had a chance to look around the house." She didn't dare tell him what had come of that; she had the feeling that if Rob knew, she'd be slung over his shoulders caveman style, being carried out of San Carlos.

  "But what are you looking for? Kait, why did you come back here?" Anna said.

  "Couldn't you figure that out? I'm looking for the crystal."

  Rob nodded. "I thought it was something like that. But you don't need to live there, Kait. We'll break in sometime; we'll find a way."

  "No, you won't. Rob, there are five psychics there, besides Lydia and Joyce, and they're all crazy-paranoid. Literally. We need somebody on the inside, who can move around the house freely, and who can figure out what's going on. Because I don't just want to find the crystal, I want to find the way to destroy it. I need to know everybody's schedule, figure out a time when we can get to it with the shard. We can't just go running in some afternoon waving it over our heads. They'll slaughter us."

  "We'll fight back," Rob said grimly, his jaw at its most stubborn.

  "They'll still slaughter us. They're loonies. You haven't seen what they've done to the house-" Kaitlyn caught herself. Too much description of the danger-she was about to get slung over Rob's shoulder. She changed tracks fast. "But they trust me. This morning one of the girls said I was okay. And Joyce wants me around because the rest of them are so far into the twilight zone. So I think everything will work out-if you'll just please let me get on with it."

  Rob took a long, deep breath. "Kaitlyn, I can't. It's just too dangerous. I'd rather walk in and fight it out with Gabriel myself-"

  "I know you would." And that's just what you're not going to do, Kait thought. "But it's not just Gabriel- you haven't seen the others. There's a guy called Jackal Mac who's about eight feet tall and has a shaved head and muscles like a gorilla. And I don't even know what his psychic power is, but I know that they're all hopped up on the crystal. It makes them stronger, and it makes them crazier."

  "Then I don't want you with them."

  "I have to be. Someone has to be. Don't you see that?" Kaitlyn felt her eyes filling-they seemed to do that a lot these days-and then she decided to do something dishonorable. To use those tears. She let them come, and she asked Rob, "Don't you trust me?"

  She could see how it hurt him. His own eyes had a suspicious shine, but he answered steadily, "You know I do."

  "Then why won't you let me do this? Don't you think I'm capable enough?"

  It was completely unfair, as well as being unkind. And it worked. Rob had to admit that he thought she was very capable. The only one of them who could pull such a thing off. He even had to admit, finally, that it was a thing that probably needed to be done.

  "Then why won't you let me?"

  Rob gave in.

  "But we'll come back and check on you next Monday."

  "It's too dangerous, even at school-"

  "Don't push it, Kait," Rob said. "Either you let us check on you regularly or you don't stay at all. We'll be here on Monday at lunch. If you don't show up, we're coming in after you."

  Kaitlyn sighed, knowing Rob wasn't going to budge. "Okay. And I'll call when I find the crystal and I know a time we can get to it. Oh, Lewis-I should have thought of this before. How do you make the secret panel slide back?"

  Lewis's almond-shaped eyes widened in dismay. "Huh? Kait-I don't know!"

  "Yes, you do. Something inside you knows, because you do it."

  "But I can't say it in words-and besides, you don't have PK."

  "Neither does Joyce or Mr. Z, and the panel was made for them. And if you can't say it in words, just think it to me. Just think about it and let me listen."

  Lewis was reluctant and doubtful, but he screwed up his face and began to think. "I just sort of feel around with my fingers-I mean with my mind-behind the wood. Like this. And I feel something metallic here. And then when I get to about here ..."

  "It opens! So the springs or whatever have to be in those places. You're a good visual thinker; I can see just what parts of the panel you mean." Kait made a note of the images, freezing them in her memory as she hugged him. "Thanks, Lewis."

  And I'll mention you to Lydia, she added soundlessly, because a picture of Lydia was running underneath all Lewis's other thoughts.

  She felt his shy embarrassment, like a mental blush, Thanks, Kait.

  Then she hugged Rob again. I'm glad you came.

  Be careful, he sent back to her, and she wished she could just go on hugging him, standing here and feeling safe. He was so good and she cared about him so much.

  When she hugged Anna she projected a private message. Take care of him for me-please?

  Anna nodded, biting her lip to keep the tears back.

&nbs
p; Kait left without looking behind her.

  The rest of the school day was uneventful, but Kait felt exhausted. She was fumbling in her locker after the last bell rang, when Bri came running interference through the crowd.

  "Hurry up," she said in her boyish voice. "Come on; Joyce is waiting for you. She sent me to get you."

  "What's the rush?" Kait asked nervously. Bri's dark eyes were snapping; her cheeks were flushed with excitement.

  "Black Lightning strikes! Mr. Zetes has a job for us."

  Kait hurried toward Joyce's car with a knot in her stomach. She didn't know what kind of jobs Mr. Z had the kids do, but she knew she wasn't going to like it.

  As it turned out, though, Joyce wasn't rushing them to the job. She was taking four of them shopping.

  Gabriel, Renny, Frost, and Kaitlyn. They dropped Bri at the Institute where she stood on the sidewalk screaming with rage.

  "It's not her fault, but she just doesn't look the part," Joyce said rather calmly as she headed for the freeway. "I told her not to put that blue in her hair."

  Kaitlyn, squashed between Frost and Renny in the tiny backseat, felt as if she had lost her only friend. Not that she would rely on Bri, actually, or trust her as far as she could throw her. But the other three were openly hostile; Gabriel wasn't speaking to her, Renny kept whispering obscene suggestions in her ear, and Frost gave her a spiteful pinch whenever she thought Joyce wouldn't notice.

  "What part doesn't she look?" Kait asked faintly.

  "You'll see." Joyce drove them to a mall and pulled up in front of Macy's. There she ensconced Gabriel and Renny in the men's department and hustled Kait and Frost to the women's. She pushed Kait past Liz Claiborne and into Anne Klein.

  "Now we're going to find you each a suit. Tweed, I think. Brown, anyway. Very conservative, only a little slit in the skirt."

  Kaitlyn didn't know whether to laugh or groan. She'd never had a suit before, so this should have been exciting-but tweed?

  It wasn't so bad when she got it on. Joyce pulled her hair back and Kait eyed herself in the mirror thoughtfully. She looked very trim and serious, like the librarian in a movie who starts out with her hair in a bun and horn-rim glasses and then blossoms by the end of the picture.