Inhibitions

by Kimberly Bracco

  **********

  Since I don’t know exactly how far along I am, the receptionist tells me it’s better to come in sooner rather than later. I have an appointment this morning at ten. Quinn offers to come with me. We’d spent last night making a list of questions for the doctor.

  I’ve told Dom that I’m going to be late today and that I need to have a meeting with him when I get in. I’d laid out a game plan with Quinn last night. I know that the next year of my life is going to be one fucked up roller coaster ride, but it doesn’t hurt to try to head it off. I’ll have only me to rely on, but that’s how I want it. I plan to ask for help when I need it, but I want to make sure that I do as much as I can on my own. Quinn isn’t the least bit surprised to hear this is how I want to do things, but she doesn’t agree entirely.

  "I’m going to tell the doctor that you’re planning on working two jobs while you’re pregnant. I want to see what his take on it is. As long as he feels like it’s no big deal, I’ll stand behind you," she tells me while we sit in the waiting room.

  "If that’ll make you feel better, then by all means. But you should know that I’ll be working two jobs as long as I can either way. I need to save as much money as I can before this baby comes. After she decides to make her appearance, I can’t work crazy hours. I’m hoping that Dom will be okay with me doing most of my work from home once the baby does come."

  "Don’t forget the money that you’ll be getting from Tanner," Quinn says, turning her stern gaze toward me. "I’m sure that will be more than enough for you to be okay for a while after this little beauty makes her entrance into the world."

  "There will no money from Tanner."

  "What the hell are you talking about? That asshole better take responsibility for this baby. You didn’t get yourself pregnant all alone."

  "It’s either all or nothing. She will either have her father or she won’t. I won’t put the baby through an emotional rollercoaster. How would you feel if your father threw money at you but never invested any time in you? My baby deserves better than that. My baby, Quinn. This is my baby, not his. He wants no part, he gets no part. I want nothing from him. Let’s pretend that I’m one of those asexual creatures that can reproduce all by itself."

  "You want to pretend you’re an amoeba?" she asks, clearly amused by my line of thinking.

  “Yes, I’m an amoeba."

  "Okay then, Ash." She chuckles.

  "Miss Mitchell," the nurses calls from the hallway.

  "Coming." I stand, square my shoulders, and take a deep breath. Time to face the full reality of the situation.

  Quinn and I follow the nurse, who introduces herself as Lacey, as she leads us into an examination room. She takes my temperature, blood pressure, and weight. Then she hands me a paper cup and tells me that they need a urine sample.

  "When you’re all done in the bathroom, change into that gown, and have a seat on the table,” she instructs. “Dr. Marcus will be in shortly." She smiles at me and leaves the room.

  I head to the restroom to pee in the cup, leave it on the counter, and change into the pink paper gown Lacey had indicated back in the exam room. I have a seat on the table and look at Quinn. She’s been quiet since we got back here.

  "I'm just taking it all in, Sweets. Don’t worry. I'm still here."

  I smile and grab her hand, feeling reassured.

  There’s a light tap on the door and Dr. Marcus walks in. He’s a fairly young doctor, in his late thirties, but I’ve been seeing him for years. I imagine he was quite the hottie when he was younger. You never see good-looking gynecologists, but I imagine that’s because all the good-looking guys don’t need to be doctors to look at vaginas. I chuckle to myself considering that.

  "Well, good morning, Miss Mitchell. You seem to be in a good mood," he says, shaking my hand.

  "Well, I woke up this morning. Isn’t that a good enough reason to be happy, Doctor?"

  "I guess it is, Miss Mitchell. So tell me what brings you in here to see me today."

  "A positive pregnancy test," I inform him.

  "Okay, when was your last period, Ashley?" he asks, looking at my chart.

  "Umm, I’m not really sure. Two to three months ago, I think."

  "You think?"

  "Well, I don’t really remember, but it was about two months ago. My patch fell off for a few days, and I’m guessing that’s when this whole mess started," I explain honestly.

  "How did that happen, and what did you do when you realized?" he asks as he makes notes on my chart.

  "I found it when I was changing the sheets. I googled what to do. I put on a new patch immediately, and since my boyfriend was out of town for the weekend and I knew I wouldn’t be having sex for a few days, I figured I was good. I just kept with the new cycle."

  "Okay, next time that happens, please call the office. But you did what I likely would have told you to anyway. But I would have also informed you that there was a good chance that you could become pregnant if you’d had sex during days that you weren’t wearing the patch. Now, I’m going to do an ultrasound to see if we can narrow down a due date and see how this little peanut is doing. Have you been wearing the patch regularly since the episode?" Dr. Marcus asks.

  "Oh my God! Yes. Is that bad for the baby? I hadn’t even thought about that. I’m still wearing it now," I tell him and scramble to pull it off.

  "Relax, Ashley. At this point, it won’t harm the baby, but I like to know these things just in case. Nothing is one hundred percent. I’ll need to do a transvaginal ultrasound. That will be the best way to get a good look at the baby." He grabs a long probe and holds it for me to see. "We'll insert this into the vagina and adjust it slightly until we get the best picture. It might be a little uncomfortable, but it doesn’t hurt. I promise"

  My breathing picks up, and my eyes go wide. That thing looks like an alien life form.

  "Everything will be fine. Just lie back and put your head on the pillow. Scoot all the way to the end of the table and put your feet in the stirrups."

  I do as he says.

  "Great, now just let your knees fall open, and we’ll start."

  He grabs a condom and rolls it onto the probe and then squirts some jelly onto it. "This may feel a little cold," is the only warning I get before he starts the ultrasound. When I feel the coldness, I turn my head toward the monitor to see what's going on.

  "See that white area in the middle of all the black? The thing that looks like a gummy bear?" Dr. Marcus asks.

  I nod because it’s all that I can manage. I’m awed by what I see on the screen. That little white blob is my baby. I fall instantly in love with that little gummy bear. I’d never believed in love at first sight before, but I sure as hell do now. I grab Quinn’s hand, needing someone to experience this with me.

  "That's your baby," he says, pressing a few buttons and clicking the mouse a few times. "Based on the measurements, the computer is putting you around eleven weeks."

  "Eleven weeks? What does that mean?" I ask. I don’t know much about pregnancy. I’d always figured that I’d do my research when I was ready to start a family.

  "It means that next week, you’ll hit the three month mark and be out of the first trimester. That’s a good sign. Most miscarriages happen in the first trimester. We need to start you on prenatal vitamins. They are very important to the baby’s development. Because you are already almost three months along, you need to make sure to take them daily. There will be some samples in the prenatal packet we give to first time moms. Please read the pamphlets in it. There’s a lot of information in there. Also, we need to draw some blood today. All routine stuff. Do you have any questions?"

  "I do," Quinn pipes up. "She’s been really sick for the last week or so. All she does is throw up. Is that normal?"

  Dr. Marcus turns to me. "Morning sickness can last for a few days or the entire pregnancy. Most women find that it eases up after the first trimester. If it is really bad, we can give you an anti-nausea medication t
hat’s safe for the baby."

  "Okay, that would help. Thanks."

  "And, she wants to get a second job. Is it okay for her to work two jobs while pregnant?" Quinn asks, throwing me under bus.

  "Well, I suppose as long as you are taking good care of yourself, it shouldn’t be a problem. But I don’t recommend doing it for too long. Your body is going to go through some pretty drastic changes, and you need to get a decent amount of rest," he says, giving a disapproving look.

  "I’ll make sure that I take very good care of myself. Hopefully, I won’t need the job for long. I do have one question. My boyfriend mentioned the morning after pill. Would taking that have made a difference?" I need to know if Tanner had a legitimate point, if calling a doctor could have meant a different outcome.

  “It couldn’t have hurt, but I don’t have a definite yes or no for you. Typically, one dose is enough to protect you from one act of unprotected sex. Several days is a different story. It wouldn’t have been effective at all if conception at already taken place,” he explains.

  “Thank you.” I nod.

  "Okay, I'll see you in four weeks then. Please see Lacey on your way out for your packet. Also, please schedule your twelve week scan at the front desk. Here, these photos are for you,” he says handing me the ultrasound printouts. “Baby's first pictures. Take care, Ashley," Dr. Marcus says on his way out the door.

  I stare down at the black and white photos in my hand. My baby. My little gummy bear. My little peanut. I feel the tears growing in my eyes. "Don’t worry, little one. I’ll love you enough for everyone that doesn’t." And I mean it. My baby will be more loved than anyone knows is possible. I won’t settle for less, because she doesn’t deserve anything less. The two of us are going to have an amazing life together.

  Chapter 30

  TANNER

  I wake up in a pool of liquor-scented sweat. I reach across the bed looking for Ashley but find only cold empty space. That’s when everything comes rushing back to me: betrayal, anger, hurt. Everything from the day before surrounds me, reminding me why I shouldn’t be reaching across the bed searching her out, but my instincts don’t seem to be agreeing with my head. Everything she did should have me hating her guts, but all I feel right now is empty longing.

  Chapter 31

  ASHLEY

  What am I going to do? I can pretend to be strong, convincing everyone around me that I can do this, but what happens if I can’t convince myself?

  Tanner and Ashley’s story continues in,

  Unrestricted

  Coming Summer 2015

  Acknowledgements

  This whole idea of writing a book was a vague abstract notion in my head that I’d shared with a friend. “You can do it,” she’d told me, and I’d laughed, but she was serious and told me I could definitely do it and I should. So I did, I wrote a few chapters and sent them over to her. Her response was overwhelming. She told me that it was far better than she’d imagined and I should continue, so that’s what I did. So for that initial push and every single one of the four hundred that came after, I thank you from the very bottom of heart, Isabelle Richards. Without you, Tanner would have never been born. You have been the absolute best mentor a girl could ask for and an even better friend.

  To Kathleen and Stacie, thank you for being my test readers and giving me your honest opinions. It means more than you’ll ever know.

  To my husband, thank you your support and listening to me babbler on and on about this book. I know that you really weren’t that interested. :)

  And thank you to my son, Christopher, who has been pimping out my book at school. I’m sure I’m bound to get a few calls from the school at some point.

  Thank you to everyone who took precious time to read my creation. I hope that you loved it as much as I do.

  About the Author

  Kimberly is a stay-at-home mom of four beautiful crazy children. She lives in New Jersey with her husband of ten years and enjoys every minute of her never-dull life. She loves a good book that is impossible to put down, and you will mostly likely find her reading in her downtime, unless of course, there is a football game on.

  Connect with Kimberly

  Facebook: www.facebook.com/authorkimberlybracco

  Twitter: @AuthorKBracco

  Tsu.co: www.tsu.co/AuthorKimberlyBracco

  Instagram: @AuthorKimberlyBracco

  Goodreads link: www.goodreads.com/book/show/24486965-inhibitions

  Website: www.KimberlyBracco.com