Witch is When The Bubble Burst (A Witch P.I. Mystery Book 5)

by Adele Abbott

“They’re putting up a giant sign,” she said.

  “Yeah, I’ve seen it.”

  “Can’t you stop them? No one will be able to see yours.”

  “I spoke to Armitage. He isn’t playing ball, but I haven’t given up yet. How did it go with whatshisname?”

  She gave me a withering look.

  “With Donald?”

  “It’s hard to make a decision. There are so many properties to choose from.”

  “Are you sure you have thought this through? I didn’t think you liked to go abroad because of the heat.”

  “Donald says I shouldn’t worry about that.”

  I bet he does. “You won’t go making any rash decisions will you?”

  “I’m not a fool, Jill.”

  Hmm.

  ***

  I had some time before my dental appointment, so I thought I’d track The Captain for a while. Something about him just didn’t feel right. Maybe it was because I was scared of him stealing my P.A. away, but it felt like more than that.

  It didn’t take me long to find him. He was in a small cocktail bar not far from Ever A Wool Moment. I’d crossed the road before I reached the wool shop because I didn’t want to get waylaid by Grandma. The Liquid Lizard was a bar I hadn’t been in before. It was in a basement, so there were no windows. It was dark, and seemed all the more so because it was so bright outside. I couldn’t see The Captain, but the tracking device told me he was within a few metres. I grabbed a soda and followed the sound of voices. Sure enough, in a small booth at the far end of the bar was the man himself—he was sitting with a woman at least twenty years his junior. His daughter perhaps? Not judging by the way his hand was gliding up and down her arm. I went as close as I dared without being spotted, and then listened. It was hopeless. The awful music which was spewing out of the speakers meant it was impossible to hear what they were saying. It was time for the ‘listen’ spell. I tuned out all other background noises and focussed on their conversation.

  Donald was all over the woman. She seemed less keen, and who could blame her.

  “Did she sign the papers?” the woman said.

  “No, but it’s only a matter of time.”

  “You said that before.”

  “These things take time, Marigold.”

  Marigold? Really?

  “I’m fed up of hanging around here.” Marigold took a sip of her cocktail. “You know I hate the weather in this country.”

  “I know, but it’ll be worth it.”

  “Are you sure she has the money?”

  “Of course I am. She inherited it from her mother. Trust me, she has the cash.”

  “I hope you’re right. I’ve got better things to do than hang around that seedy hotel while you play footsie with an old flame.”

  “She isn’t an old flame. I told you, I wouldn’t have even remembered her if I hadn’t spotted her on TV. What would I have in common with some burnt out old has-been like that?”

  How I resisted decking him, I’ll never know. I’d heard enough. I knew there was something fishy about him, and now I had the proof.

  Chapter 13

  Evil. That was the only word for it. Tropical fish—I hated them. I’d been quite relaxed when I walked into the waiting room, but after watching them trying to eat one another for the last ten minutes, I was a gibbering wreck and I wasn’t even in the dentist’s chair yet. Still, it was only a check up. How bad could it be?

  To make matters worse, the receptionist had informed me that my usual dentist was off ill, and I’d be seeing a locum.

  “Jill Gooder!” A young dental nurse with perfect teeth called.

  I followed her along the corridor, doing my best to forget about the fish.

  “How are you today?” Perfect Teeth said.

  “Fine thanks,” I lied.

  “You’ll be seeing Ms Flowers today.”

  “Right, okay.”

  Hold on! Ms Flowers? It couldn’t be. Could it?

  “Daze?”

  “Hi, Jill.” Daze turned to Perfect Teeth and said, “It’s okay. I won’t need you for this one. Go take your break.”

  “You’re a dentist now?” I couldn’t hide my surprise.

  Daze’s real name was Daisy Flowers and she was a super sup. Her real job was to retrieve rogue sups from the human world. I’d already seen her working in a fast-food restaurant, in a launderette, and as a traffic warden—to name just three of her previous undercover guises, so I probably shouldn’t have been so surprised. But I was.

  “This isn’t my favourite job.” She gestured for me to get into the dentist’s chair. “Staring at people’s fillings and cavities isn’t my idea of fun. Open wide.”

  “Hold on. Are you—err?”

  “What?”

  “Are you qualified to do this?”

  “Of course. Now open wide.”

  “Wegerh asget.”

  “I can’t tell what you’re saying. Wait until I’ve finished my examination.”

  I winced as she caught a nerve.

  “You need a couple of fillings, and you aren’t flossing properly at the back. You’ll need to make an appointment at reception for the fillings.”

  “Okay, thanks.” I made to stand up.

  “Wait. I wanted to speak to you actually. There’s something you might be able to help me with.”

  I sat back down and listened.

  ***

  When I arrived at work the next morning, it was the first time I’d seen Armitage’s sign lit up. It was enormous, and just as I’d suspected, so bright you could barely see my poor little sign. Oh well, if he wanted to play dirty, he’d come to the right place. Game on. When casting spells, my focus was now so much better than it had been only weeks before. And I needed that focus if this was going to work. I checked there was no one around—it was still early—the rush hour hadn’t started yet. I took aim, and used the ‘lightning bolt’ spell on first one letter, and then another until I had the desired result.

  “Bed catch fire?” Winky greeted me when I walked into my office.

  “I’m allowed to come in early if I want to.”

  “I was having a fantastic dream.” He sighed. “Me and Bella were on this water-bed and—”

  “Stop! I don’t want to know the sordid details. Anyway, how could you be on a water-bed? Wouldn’t your claws—? Never mind.”

  “Anyhow.” Winky scratched his ear with his back paw. “Now you’re here, I want to take a selfie with you.”

  I hated selfies. I hated all photos of myself. I never looked like I thought I should.

  “Why do you need a photo?”

  “For FelineSocial.”

  “I’d rather not.”

  “Come on. All the other cats have a photo with their human.”

  “I’m not human.”

  “You’re the closest I’ve got, so you’ll have to do.”

  “What about Mrs V?”

  “Are you kidding? I don’t want my photo taken with that old battleaxe. Who’s going to lick me then?”

  “Okay. Just one then.”

  I was going to ask Winky where he’d got the selfie-stick from, but I thought better of it. Sometimes it was better to be blissfully ignorant.

  We were sitting next to one another on the sofa. Winky was sporting a royal blue eye patch which he’d chosen especially for the photo. He had his front paws resting on my chest (those claws were sharp) so that we were almost touching noses.

  “Say cheese!” he said.

  Click.

  “Look!” He held up the smartphone to show me the photo. I looked horrible.

  “That looks nothing like me,” I groaned.

  “You’re right. It does flatter you a little. Uploading it now.” Winky did his magic with the phone. “There it is!”

  I’d never had a Facebook account—I’d never really ‘got’ social media. But there I was, live on FelineSocial.

  “It’s under ‘Pets’,” I said. “I don’t get that. If it’s a web site
for cats, why—?” Then the penny dropped. “Hold on. Does this mean I’m supposed to be your pet?”

  “Of course it does. What did you think you were?”

  What indeed?

  I could hear Mrs V chuckling to herself as soon as she walked into the outer office.

  “What’s tickling you?”

  “Morning, Jill. You’re here early. I was just laughing at that sign. Haven’t you seen it?”

  “Can’t say I noticed it.”

  “Most of the letters are out. It says, ‘I Am Poo’.” She burst out laughing again.

  “Oh dear. That’s most unfortunate.” I grinned. “Gordon won’t be pleased.”

  I waited until Mrs V was settled with her cup of tea before I spoke to her about The Captain. I knew she’d be devastated, but I also knew I had no choice but to let her know exactly what the slimeball was up to.

  “Are you sure?” She wiped a tear from her eye.

  “I wish I wasn’t, but I heard every word they said.”

  “Who was the woman?”

  “Her name’s Marigold.”

  “Marigold? What kind of a name is that? How old was she?”

  “Hard to say—she was wearing so much make-up, and the light wasn’t good in there. I’d hazard a guess that she was twenty years younger than him.”

  “What does she see in him?”

  “It certainly isn’t his looks. It must be the money.”

  “If he has money, why come after what little I have?”

  I’d wondered the same thing. “Maybe this is how he makes his money. He spotted you on TV, and thought you’d be an easy mark. Who knows?”

  “Thank you, Jill.”

  “Don’t thank me. I wish it had worked out differently. You deserve better.”

  “You’re right, I do.”

  “What will you do now?”

  “Don’t worry about that. I’ll take care of The Captain.”

  Kathy dropped by on her lunch break.

  “Have you seen that sign outside?”

  “Which one?”

  “The ‘I Am Poo’ sign.”

  “Oh, that one.” I laughed. “Good isn’t it.”

  “What’s it meant to be?”

  “It belongs to my good friend, Gordon Armitage.”

  “The guy who wants to take over your offices?”

  “That’s the guy. Apparently he has a taste for poo. Who knew?”

  “Anyway, it’s high time you got your own sign sorted out,” Kathy said.

  “I will, I promise.”

  The sign outside still bore my late father’s name: Ken Gooder. I didn’t have the heart to get it changed, and besides it got the punters through the door. You’d be surprised how many people (read: men) didn’t think a woman could do the job of a P.I. Then again, maybe you wouldn’t be at all surprised. Men can be stupid.

  Kathy seemed quite chipper which I found amazing. When Grandma had offered her a job in Ever A Wool Moment, I’d been sure it wouldn’t last long. After all, who could work alongside Grandma, let alone for her? Grandma as a boss? It made me shudder just to think about it.

  “How’s the job?” I asked.

  “Fantastic. The new product is flying off the shelves. I’m in line for a bonus this month.”

  Grandma was blatantly flaunting her magic—what with the Everlasting Wool, and now the One-Size Needles. I really ought to talk to Daze about her, but then I did kind of like living.

  “What about Grandma? Doesn’t she—? Isn’t she—? I mean she must be difficult.”

  “She’s the best boss I’ve ever had. Granted I haven’t exactly had many. I think you’re way too hard on her. Give her a chance, you might be surprised.”

  Not so much surprised—more amazed. The only explanation I could come up with was that Grandma was somehow using magic on Kathy to make her think she was enjoying the job, and to believe that Grandma was nice.

  “Does she still think I set Trading Standards on her?”

  “I don’t think she cares about that now.”

  “How come?”

  “They came around to do an inspection. A funny man with big feet and bad breath. I spoke to him first and I thought we were doomed for sure. A real ‘jobsworth’ if ever I saw one.”

  “So what happened?”

  “Grandma had a quick word with him, and after that he was like a different man. Laughing and joking like he didn’t have a care in the world. He only stayed half an hour. Said he was going to a pole dancing club, but he’d be giving us a clean bill of health. It was really weird.”

  Not all that weird to me. Grandma had obviously cast a spell on him, but I couldn’t figure out which one. Then again, Grandma was a level six witch and knew far more spells than I did.

  “What on earth is going on out there?” Kathy spun around in her chair.

  In the outer office, Mrs V was shouting and, by the sound of it, throwing things.

  “It’s Mrs V and her ex-flame, Donald Hook.”

  “Donald—?”

  “Not duck, Hook. He’s been trying to con Mrs V out of her savings. If he doesn’t get out quick, she’ll turn him into a pin cushion.”

  “But Annabel!” Hook shouted.

  “Get out of my sight!”

  “Ouch. That hurt. Ouch! Okay, okay. Ouch! I’m going. Ouch!”

  Silence descended on the outer office.

  “I hope she hasn’t killed him.” Kathy cringed.

  “I hope he hasn’t dripped blood all over the stairs,” I said.

  “Any news on the kidnapping?” Kathy asked. “The newspapers have gone very quiet on it.”

  “This is strictly between you and me, okay?”

  “Of course.”

  “You mustn’t tell anyone. Not even Peter.”

  “I promise.”

  “The ransom has been paid, but she hasn’t been released. There’s been no contact from the kidnappers since.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “As far as I can be. I’m in touch with the boyfriend and the stepfather.”

  “That’s terrible. I assume they fear the worst?”

  I nodded. “And to top it all, I’ve really upset Maxwell.”

  “What did you do now?”

  “It’s complicated, but basically there were two ransom notes. The police and I followed the false trail; his men found me and threw me in a cell.”

  Kathy laughed.

  “It’s not funny.”

  “I know.” She was still laughing. “What did Maxwell say?”

  “I don’t remember exactly, but he wasn’t pleased.”

  “You’ve been here before. He’ll get over it.”

  “Not this time. He was right. I shouldn’t have got involved. I knew what had happened with the Camberley case, and still I had to stick my oar in. I should have left it alone.”

  “So, are you going to back off now?”

  “I can’t. I shouldn’t have got involved, but now that I am, I can’t just walk away from Steve and Bob. I have to keep trying. It’s not like it can make things any worse between me and Maxwell.”

  ***

  Kathy had no sooner left than Winky began hissing at the wall.

  “Mum?”

  I knew by now that Winky could sense my mum’s presence a few moments before she appeared to me.

  “He doesn’t get any better looking, that cat of yours,” she said, as she appeared on the sofa.

  “Maybe, but it doesn’t seem to affect his love life.”

  “Poor Jill. Everyone is loved up except you. Even your cat.”

  “Thanks for the reminder.”

  “That’s kind of why I’m here. To apologise.”

  “Apologise? For what?” Then it came to me. “No—you didn’t. Please tell me you didn’t.”

  “I did.”

  “Mum!”

  “Drake seems like such a nice man, and I knew you were never going to contact him.”

  “So you stole our dogs?”

  “Hardly sto
le. More ‘relocated’ them.”

  “How did you manage to move them?”

  “I had help.”

  “Aunt Lucy?”

  “You mustn’t blame her. She said you’d be angry, but I managed to persuade her.”

  “You can’t just stick your nose into my love life.”

  “There isn’t really one to stick my nose into.”

  “Thanks for that.”

  “Anyway it worked out didn’t it? You’re back on speaking terms, aren’t you?”

  “Yes, but—”

  “Then all’s well that ends well. And now, I’d like you to do me a favour.”

  Unbelievable.

  Chapter 14

  “What’s the favour?”

  “Do you remember when I first tried to make myself visible to you?”

  “Yeah. I thought I was going crazy.”

  “You were fighting it, so it took me several attempts to finally get through. You hid behind the sofa, do you remember?”

  “I wasn’t hiding behind it exactly.”

  “What were you doing?”

  “I’d dropped something.”

  “Oh, right. Like you pretend to do every time a clown comes on TV?”

  I hated clowns—they were evil, pure evil.

  “And you expect me to do you a favour?”

  “Sorry. Look, I have a friend who recently joined our ranks.”

  “Became a ghost you mean? Is she a witch too?”

  “No, she’s actually a human.”

  “So you can mix with human ghosts?”

  “Yes, but sups still can’t let on what they were when they were alive.”

  “So she thinks you are—were human?”

  “That’s right. Anyway, she’s really upset because her daughter refuses to believe in ghosts, so my friend can’t attach herself to her.”

  “What do you want me to do?”

  “I need you to talk to my friend’s daughter, and persuade her that ghosts really do exist.”

  “How am I meant to do that?”

  “You’ll think of something. I have every confidence in you. I have her details here.” She passed me a handwritten note. “Sorry again about the dog, but I’m sure you’ll thank me one day. Oh, and by the way, what you did with the sign—very funny.”