by Keeland, Vi
Did I want Sadie to be Birdie’s biological mother?
Or did I want to go back to not knowing who the egg donor was?
I grappled with those questions the most. Deep down, even though I didn’t want to admit it, I think a part of me wanted Sadie to be Birdie’s mother. My daughter lost her mom at such a tender young age, and I’d give anything so she could have her mother again. But did that anything I’d give include forcing a woman I loved to acknowledge a child she’d never planned to know?
I blinked a few times.
A woman I loved.
Did I love Sadie?
My shoulders slumped, and I let out a heavy sigh of defeat.
Fuck.
I did.
I went and fell in goddamn love with her.
Great. Just great. I betrayed a woman I love.
I was pretty sure I was never going to forgive myself. But that was okay. I deserved to beat myself up over what I’d done . . . and then some. That wasn’t even a question. What was most important now was, would Sadie ever forgive me?
CHAPTER 26
SADIE
Sebastian had been acting odd the last few days.
He was quieter than usual and seemed really distracted. Tonight I’d cooked dinner for him and Birdie at their house, and then the three of us took Marmaduke to the dog park. As usual, Birdie talked nonstop, keeping us entertained with stories from school today. But once she’d gone to bed, it became really noticeable how far away Sebastian’s mind was.
I’d just told him all about an article I was working on for my column, where I’d interview men and women after their first blind date with each other and see how different their answers were to a set group of questions. So often, one person thinks things went great, while the other leaves feeling like the date was a complete bust. I’d rambled on for a solid ten minutes, and my gut told me that Sebastian hadn’t actually heard one word. He was looking right at me, but his eyes weren’t focused. So I decided to test exactly how far his mind had wandered.
“So . . . ,” I said. “We thought it might be fun to ask the post-date questions naked. You know, to keep the article interesting and all.”
I stopped speaking and waited for Sebastian to answer. He blinked a few times, and it seemed like he just figured out it was his turn to speak.
“Oh. That sounds great.”
I frowned. “Yeah, it’s perfect. I won’t sleep with more than two or three of them. So don’t worry.”
He started to nod. “Okay, great . . . Wait . . . what did you just say?”
“Oh, hi, Sebastian. It’s nice of you to join me in this conversation.”
“What are you talking about?”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m talking about that you haven’t listened to a word I said in the last half hour. Your mind is obviously elsewhere. What’s going on with you? Is everything okay?”
He looked down. “Yeah. Everything is fine. Just a lot on my mind.”
“Like what?”
He continued to avoid eye contact. “I . . . uh . . . I still haven’t hired a new manager at the restaurant.”
I knew in my gut he was full of shit. “Look at me.”
His eyes jumped to meet mine.
“What else is going on?” I said. “I feel like it’s something more than just work.”
Sebastian’s eyes shifted while he shook his head. He tried to keep eye contact but couldn’t do it. This man was not a good liar. Ever since he noticed my appendix scar, he’d started acting strange. I didn’t think the timing was a coincidence. I had a feeling that his mood shift had something to do with the conversation we’d had about my eggs. To be honest, ever since we’d talked, I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about things, either.
I took his hand. “Is there any chance that what I told you the other day upset you? About my harvesting eggs and donating some?”
Sebastian’s eyes widened, but he again quickly diverted them before shaking his head.
His reaction pretty much confirmed that was it, yet for some reason he still didn’t want to admit it. Last year I’d done a dating article titled Deal Breaker where I interviewed a few hundred single men and women on what things would rule out a potential relationship with someone they otherwise really liked. Both sides listed spiritual beliefs among their deal breakers. I knew Sebastian was Catholic, and the Catholic Church was against IVF, so perhaps that was it. Or maybe the fact that I’d basically given away my eggs to a complete stranger freaked him out a bit.
“Do you . . . have religious beliefs against artificial insemination?”
Sebastian’s brows drew together. “Religious beliefs? What? No. Of course not.”
“So what is it, then? You haven’t been yourself since we talked about it.”
He sighed and pulled me to him for a hug. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel like you’d said or done something wrong. I think what you did, harvesting your eggs to avoid a possible future conception issue and donating some in honor of your mother, was extraordinary.”
I pulled back to look him in the eyes. “You do? Are you sure?”
He nodded. “It was a very selfless act. Hearing about what you’d done just confirmed that you are undoubtedly one of the most kindhearted and compassionate people I’ve ever met in my life.”
I exhaled with a sigh. “I’m so glad you feel that way. I really thought maybe what you’d learned made you think less of me.”
“Why would I ever think less of you for what you did?”
“I don’t know. I guess I was worried you would think it was weird that I gave away my eggs, which could very well have grown into children.” I shook my head. “You know, the fact that I may have children out there that I have nothing to do with.”
Sebastian was quiet for a moment before speaking again. “What if . . . with all the genetic testing that has become commonplace these days . . . what if you found out that you had a son or a daughter out there? Would you want to know them?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I guess I’d leave that up to the child. As someone who was adopted, I never wanted to know my birth parents. A lot of adopted children have a sense of abandonment and resentment toward their birth parents, but I never did. Oddly, I don’t see the decision my mother made as having anything to do with me. They didn’t even know who I was yet, so I don’t take it personally. Though I wouldn’t belittle someone who felt that way, either. I guess if one of my little eggs made it to become a real live person, and he or she wanted to know me, I’d be okay with that. But the decision should be the child’s when they are old enough to make it. Not mine.”
Sebastian face was so solemn, but he shook his head. “You’re truly a beautiful person, Sadie.”
I laughed. “I don’t know about that. But I do still feel good about what I did. So I’m relieved that it didn’t upset you. Though if it’s not that, I really would like to know what it is that’s been bothering you.”
Sebastian shook his head. “It’s nothing. But you’re right—I haven’t been in the moment the last few days. And I’m sorry about that. I didn’t mean to make you worry.”
“It’s okay. We all have ups and downs. I just hope you know I’m here to listen if something’s on your mind. It doesn’t matter what it is.”
Sebastian cupped my cheeks. “I know. And that’s why I’m crazy about you.”
I smiled. “I’m crazy about you, too.”
Everything seemed to go back to normal after that, though Sebastian had to work even more than usual, since he no longer had a manager. I guess it made sense that it had been weighing on his mind. Since he was so busy, I’d volunteered to help out more with Birdie so that Magdalene wasn’t working eighty hours a week. Tonight I came straight from the office. I brought an arts-and-crafts project for the two of us, figuring it was Friday, and Birdie could stay up a little later. We sat at the dining room table after dinner, making friendship bracelets. The kit came with enough colorful string to make ten. Birdie wa
s on her second and had already figured out how to weave designs.
“Wow. That one looks awesome,” I said.
“I’m making it for my best friend.”
I smiled. “She’s a lucky girl. You know, when I was your age, we made friendship bracelets with safety pins and beads. Everyone was giving them to their best friends at school. So I made one and gave it to my friend Darren. He lived next door, and we played together after school every day.”
Birdie laughed. “Your best friend was a boy?”
“Well, I thought so. But when I walked up to him at school to give him the bracelet I’d made, he was with his friends, and he acted all weird about it. He stuck it in his pocket and made it seem like he had no idea why I’d given it to him. Apparently, it wasn’t cool for a boy to be best friends with a girl, and I was the only one who didn’t know it.”
“Did you feel bad?”
I nodded. “I did. Over the next few days, he came over to see if I wanted to play, and I said I didn’t. I guess he got sick of having no one to hang around with because a week later, he started wearing the friendship bracelet at school. We never talked about it, but I started playing with him again.”
“I’m going to give the first one I made to Jonathan at school.”
“Oh? Is he your best friend?”
“No. But Suzie Redmond likes him, and he told Brendan Andrews that he doesn’t like her, because he likes me.”
Oh wow. Boys? Already? She was only ten. “Do you . . . like Jonathan, too?”
Birdie wrinkled her cute little nose. “Definitely not.” She shrugged. “Plus, Dad said I can’t like boys until I’m thirty anyway.”
I chuckled. That sounded like something Sebastian would say. Oddly, I was thinking maybe he was right about this one.
“Can I ask you something, Sadie?”
“Of course, anything.”
“Dad’s your boyfriend, right?”
“Yeah, I think he is. Why do you ask?”
“So . . . if Dad is your boyfriend and I call you Sadie, what would I call you if you and Dad got married someday?”
My hands had been weaving a bracelet and froze. “Umm. Dad and I aren’t getting married anytime soon.”
“I know. But if you do, what would I call you? Would I still call you Sadie?”
God, I had no idea what the right answer was to that question. “I’m not really sure, sweetie. I guess you, your dad, and I would sit down and talk about it all together. And it would probably come down to whatever you felt most comfortable with.”
“But you’d be my mom, right?”
Heaviness settled into my chest. This . . . this was the reason why I’d always felt so connected to Birdie. I knew what it was like to long for a mother.
“Well, your mom will always be your mom. Technically, if your dad and I got married, I’d be your stepmom. But I don’t have to be married to your dad for you to be special to me.” I leaned over and brushed my hand down Birdie’s hair. “You know you’re special to me, right, Birdie?”
She forced a smile, but I could see she was still troubled.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart?”
“Well, what happens if you and Daddy don’t get married and you meet someone else and marry him?”
“Oh, honey.” I shook my head. “Please don’t worry about that.” It was on the tip of my tongue to say I’d always be here for her. I felt that strong of a connection to Birdie. But honestly, that kind of a commitment was something I’d need to run by Sebastian before making. I wouldn’t want to make her an important promise like that unless I knew I could absolutely keep it. “Would it be okay if we talked about this again another night? I want to think about some of the questions you asked me. Because they’re important questions, and I want to give you the right answers.”
Birdie smiled. “Sure.” She went back to weaving her friendship bracelet and then stopped again. “Sadie?”
“Yeah, sweetie?”
“As long as you’re going to be doing some thinking, I have another question.”
Oh boy. “Sure. What’s up?”
“How does Santa get into our house? Daddy puts one of those caps on our chimney so the squirrels don’t get in, remember?”
I laughed. “You’re filled with tough questions tonight. Let me give that one some thought, too.”
And just like that, our serious conversation was over and things went back to normal. An hour later, we packed away the arts and crafts, and Birdie went to get ready for bed. She brushed her teeth and changed into her pajamas and then came back out carrying one of the bracelets she’d made.
“That one came out really nice. I think it’s my favorite of the five you made. You said it’s for your best friend, right?”
She nodded.
“What’s her name?”
Birdie held the bracelet out to me. “Her name is Sadie, silly. It’s for you.”
“Hey, sleepyhead.” Sebastian pushed a lock of my hair from my face. I must’ve fallen asleep on the couch watching TV.
I stretched my arms over my head. “What time is it?”
“Almost one. I’m sorry. I really need to find a new manager. I can’t keep doing this to you and Magdalene.”
I sat up and rubbed my eyes. “It’s fine. I don’t mind at all.”
“I know you don’t. But I hate you trekking home at such a late hour. I was actually thinking earlier . . . Magdalene has slept over before, on nights that I had an event or an emergency at the restaurant. She slept on the pullout couch in my office. What if I talked to Birdie and told her that you’re going to stay over sometimes, at least on the nights I have to work late? I’ll sleep on the couch, and you can take my room.”
“That might be a good idea. But she couldn’t wake up to me in bed with you.”
He nodded. “I know. I’ll talk to her tomorrow.” Sebastian noticed the bracelet tied around my wrist and looped his finger through it, giving it a tug. “New jewelry?”
“Birdie and I did crafting tonight. She actually told me that she was making it for her best friend, and then right before she went to bed, she brought it out and gave it to me.”
He smiled. “My kid’s got good taste in women. She takes after her old man.”
“Yeah. I thought it was so sweet. She actually struck up an interesting conversation tonight.”
“Oh yeah? About what?”
“Well, first she wanted to know what she would call me if we got married.”
Sebastian’s brows jumped. “Shit. What did you say?”
“I basically sidestepped. I told her that if that happened, the three of us would sit down and have a conversation about it.”
Sebastian raked a hand through his hand. “Good call. I’m glad she asked you that and not me.”
“Then she asked me what would happen if we broke up and I met someone else and got married to him.”
He frowned. “Does she know something I don’t know?”
I laughed. “No. But I think she really wanted me to make a commitment to her that we’d stay friends, or whatever we are, even if things don’t work out between you and me. Loss is obviously weighing on her. For whatever reason, she’s concerned she might lose me, too.”
Sebastian sighed. “You’re the first woman she’s connected with since her mom died.”
I nodded. “Yeah. I realize that. That’s why I thought we should discuss it a bit before I made that kind of a promise to her.”
Sebastian’s gaze grew serious. “You want to promise her that you’ll always be friends, regardless of what happens between us?”
I nodded. “I do. I know I’ve only known her a few months, but she’s really special to me. I love her, Sebastian. So if you’d be okay with me keeping contact with her if we split up, no matter what—even if, say, you go out with someone else and she doesn’t like your ex-girlfriend coming around once in a while—then I’d like to make the promise to always be there for her.”
Sebastian swallowed. His eyes beca
me glassy and he cupped both my cheeks. “Sadie Gretchen Bisset Schmidt, I freaking love you. I’ve known it for a while, but I was too chicken to admit it to myself. Yet you and my ten-year-old daughter are completely fearless with giving love.” He shook his head. “You both put me to shame. I wish I had half the balls you two do.”
My heartbeat quickened and warmth flooded my chest. “You really love me?”
“I do. I love you, Sadie.”
My hand covered my heart. “I love you, too, Sebastian. And I’ve known it for a while. In fact, I can prove it to you!”
The corners of his lips twitched. “How?”
I smiled from ear to ear. “Ich liebe dich!”
CHAPTER 27
SEBASTIAN
Saturday morning, the doorbell rang just as I was getting ready to leave for work.
“I got it, Magdalene!”
A young guy in a UPS uniform held out a tablet. “Sebastian Maxwell?”
“Yes.”
“Sign here, please.”
I scribbled my name, assuming it was the new iPads I’d ordered for the restaurant. Our entire system was electronic, and since we broke another one two days ago, now we were down to one. After I signed, the driver handed me a small envelope.
“Have a good day.”
“You too,” I said.
I shut the door and started to walk back into the house, still thinking nothing of what was in my hands. Until I saw the logo on the packaging.
Holy shit.
I froze midstep.
I knew that logo.
The lab.
But they’d said seven to ten business days, and it hadn’t even been a full week yet. An overwhelming sense of dread washed over me.
Fuck.
I stared down at the envelope. My entire life could be turned upside down by what was inside. I felt sick, completely nauseous.
Birdie came skipping to the front vestibule where I still stood. She looked at my expression and down at the envelope. “What’s that?”
“Uh . . . nothing.” I shoved it into my back pocket. “Just a bill for something I got delivered to the restaurant.”
“Sadie is coming this afternoon, right, Daddy?”
