by Keeland, Vi
My chest hurt even thinking about Sadie anywhere near this envelope. “Yeah, honey. She said she’s going to come about five.”
“Could we come to the restaurant for dinner?”
I had no idea how I would be able to look either one of them in the face by that time. Yet I nodded. “Sure. If it’s alright with Sadie. You’re always welcome.”
Birdie jumped up and down. “I’m going to ask Sadie if we can get all dressed up fancy!”
I smiled and leaned down to kiss the top of her head. “Okay. I need to get going. I’ll probably see you later, then.”
“I love you, Daddy.”
“I love you, too, my little Birdie.”
By the time Sadie and Birdie showed up to Bianco’s, I was a wreck. Unable to concentrate, my being here wasn’t even helpful to anyone. I kept giving wrong directions, and the managerial candidate I was training probably thought I was on drugs.
Sadie waved over to me as she and Birdie were seated by the hostess at a table close to one of the fireplaces. My heart was practically bursting from my chest as I looked at them—my two girls. They were done up like they were about to attend a freaking ball. Sadie’s blonde hair was tied up into a bun, exposing her elegant neck. I’d never seen it like that before. Even as fucked-up as I was tonight, I imagined sinking my teeth into her skin.
And Birdie. My daughter looked adorable. Her hair was done exactly the same as Sadie’s—except she had a little tiara on. Sadie wore a long black evening gown while Birdie donned a purple dress with a frilly hem.
“Look at you beautiful ladies. You weren’t kidding when you said Sadie was gonna get you all dressed up.”
“Sometimes a lady needs to live like the princess she is.” Sadie winked at Birdie.
“Don’t we look pretty, Daddy?”
“You’d better put a napkin over that beautiful dress, Birdie. I know how messy you normally get when you’re eating your Bolognese.”
I took a deep breath in. The anxiety in my chest was starting to suddenly build again. Anytime I would think about the envelope that was sitting way in the back of my closet in a box I kept old CDs in, I freaked. I hadn’t opened it. I just hadn’t been ready. Not only that, the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was a major violation of Sadie’s privacy. I still had no idea what to do. But this was eating away at me, and I knew I couldn’t last like this for very long.
As I stood there ruminating in front of my girlfriend and daughter, I was apparently doing a horrible job of hiding my continuous panic.
A look of concern crossed Sadie’s face. “Seb, are you okay?”
I blinked several times. “You know . . . I haven’t been feeling well all day.”
Not a lie.
I pulled out a chair and sat down with them, downing the water that had been placed in front of Sadie.
Sadie put her hand on mine. “It’s stress. You’ve been so worried about the staffing shortage here. I know it’s been getting to you.”
“Yeah. That’s probably it.” I placed my other hand over hers and squeezed it, forcing a smile to ease her worry.
She felt my forehead. “You’re actually freezing. I don’t think you have a fever.”
Birdie pouted. “Daddy, can you stop working and just eat with us? I bet you’ll feel better after a big bowl of Birdie’s Pasta Bolognese.”
I needed to get my shit together. I needed to sit down and have a normal meal with them and quietly figure out how to handle the situation without giving myself away.
Get your shit together.
“You know what? I think that might be just the medicine I need. Let me go put the orders in.” I turned to Sadie. “What do you want, baby?”
She looked over at Birdie and smiled. “Why don’t we make it a Bolognese triplicate.”
I nodded. “Three Birdie’s Pasta Bologneses coming right up.”
As I retreated to the kitchen to put the order in, I inhaled deeply, relishing the break from having to look Sadie in the eyes. As I stood there amid the chaos of the kitchen, listening to the clanking sounds of pans, watching the steam emanate from the stove, all the sounds became amplified. Even the chopping of the salad felt like a banging inside my head. It became clearer and clearer by the second that I couldn’t handle this alone. My fear wasn’t about the end result of that DNA test. It was about losing Sadie for what I had done, going behind her back and stealing her things. I knew I needed to tell her before I ever opened that envelope. The choice wasn’t mine. It was Sadie’s. It was all hers.
Wiping my brow, I took a deep breath in and returned to the table.
“Dinner should be ready shortly.” I smiled, looking between them.
“Okay.” Sadie reached across the table and took my hand, then reached out and offered her other one to my daughter. “Birdie, honey, I want to talk to you about something.”
Birdie placed her hand into Sadie’s. “Are you going to tell me we can’t have dessert? Because I really can’t stop thinking about these rainbow cookies they make here. They’re so soft with some kind of jam in the middle, and the entire outside is made of chocolate. I was going to ask if we could have them before dinner, but I figured Dad would say no.”
Sadie chuckled and shook her head. “Definitely not what I was going to say. But as long as we’re talking about rainbow cookies, I think we should order two helpings of those.” Sadie looked up at me, smiled, and squeezed my hand. “What I wanted to talk to you about is something you asked me the other day. You asked what would happen if your dad and I broke up. I’ve been thinking a lot about that question and even discussed it with your dad. So I thought I’d give you a better answer now that we’ve had the time to think about it.” Sadie glanced at me again and then leaned closer to Birdie, looking her directly in her eyes. “No matter what happens between your dad and me, I’m not going anywhere when it comes to being your friend. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, you’re sort of stuck with me, kid. No matter where life takes any of us, I’d like to be a part of your life.” Sadie looked up at me. “And your dad is good with that, aren’t you, Sebastian?”
I’d gotten choked up watching the two of them together and had to clear my throat before speaking. “Absolutely. Sadie will always be welcome in our family.”
Birdie got up out of her chair and stood before me. She tucked her chin to her chest and said, “Daddy, can you take my tiara out of my hair for me?”
My brows furrowed, but I did it. Untangling a few pieces of hair that were stuck, I slipped the sparkly crown from atop my daughter’s head and handed it to her. She then walked over to Sadie.
“This is our special friend crown. It’s my most favorite thing I have. One time I thought I lost it, so my dad went and bought me another one just like it. So I have two. I want you to take this one. It means more than just a friendship bracelet.”
Sadie smiled wide and lowered her head for Birdie to place the crown in her hair. When she was done, my daughter practically leaped into Sadie’s arms. The two of them shared a long hug, and then Birdie went right back to asking about dessert. She wanted to make sure I set aside two helpings of her cookies so they didn’t sell out. But while my daughter snapped back to business as usual, I felt like I’d just had my world rocked, and I needed a drink to calm myself down a bit. So I called the waiter over to bring Sadie and me a bottle of pinot noir.
After, I looked over at my two princesses and prayed that tonight after Birdie went to sleep, the revelation I would make didn’t leave me with only one.
Sadie brought Birdie back to her room to help take her hair down and get her ready for bed. In the meantime, I paced. And paced some more. Sadie still suspected something wasn’t right with me despite my best efforts to put on an act during dinner. Her demeanor clearly showed that she was onto me. I doubted I would even have to be the first to start addressing my behavior once she came out from Birdie’s room. I knew she’d call me out on it once my daughter was safely out of earshot. Honestly, I hoped s
he did. Because I had no idea how I was going to even begin to broach the subject if she didn’t.
Still pacing in the living room, I watched as Sadie slowly closed Birdie’s bedroom door. Sadie looked so beautiful with her hair now down in loose tendrils. Her evening gown was a little wrinkled. The sight of her leg exposed through the slit on the side of the dress managed to make me aroused despite my mood.
Her expression was sullen as she slowly walked over to me. She placed her hands around my face and positioned me to look into her eyes.
“What’s happening? Am I losing you?” she asked. “Is this too much?”
My heart sank as I closed my eyes and took both of her hands to my mouth. “No. No, Sadie. The last thing I ever want is to lose you. I can promise you that.” Blowing a deep breath out, I found the courage to add, “But I’m afraid I stand a very good chance at that after what I’m about to tell you.”
A look of alarm flashed across her beautiful face as she pulled slightly away from me. “What is it? You’re scaring me.”
Reaching my hand out to her, I silently led her back into my bedroom. We needed to be as far away from my daughter’s room as possible for this conversation.
After leading her onto my bed, I turned the lamp on. I lay across from her as we faced each other and looped my fingers in with hers. It took a few seconds to conjure up the strength to get the first words out.
“You were worried that my attitude had changed after you told me the story about your egg donation. You weren’t off base about that. But the reasoning behind my reaction is something you couldn’t possibly know.”
She swallowed, seeming both scared and eager for what I might say next. “Okay . . .” Her hands started to tremble.
“I never told you that . . . Birdie . . . well, she was the result of an egg donation herself.”
I paused to note any changes in her reaction, but her expression remained frozen, aside from her eyes searching mine. She hadn’t seemed to make the connection based on that one sentence. So I continued.
“Amanda . . . like your mother . . . had been unable to conceive naturally because of her cancer treatment at a young age. I knew it when I married her, and I always knew that it wouldn’t matter. We’d find a way to have a child one way or another. When she told me that she’d prefer to try IVF with a donated egg, I definitely had my reservations.” I sighed. “At first, I couldn’t understand how my sperm and another woman’s egg made our baby. But she was insistent that our child be related by blood to at least one of us and that she be able to experience the pregnancy. After much debate, I agreed.”
I stopped to examine Sadie’s face. Again, no realization had hit her yet. Or at least it hadn’t seemed to compute. So I went on.
“Honestly, seeing her carry that child, it was the most beautiful thing. Once the pregnancy happened and we were experiencing that joy, I knew I’d made the right decision. She was getting to live out something she thought she’d never have an opportunity to. And it was all because of a selfless person who’d decided to give a part of herself to us. It was surreal and amazing. And it only got more amazing once we laid eyes on our beautiful daughter, who happened to come out with my face.” I chuckled. “It was clear from the very beginning that this was our child. It didn’t matter how she came to be biologically. She was Amanda’s. She was mine. She was ours. She was from God.”
Sadie’s face curved into a slight smile. “That’s beautiful.”
I cleared my throat. “So, you see, I never thought to make it a point to spell all of that out to you. I didn’t want to give you the impression that how she came to be mattered. Of course, I knew it was something that would have come up eventually. But it just didn’t happen before you told me your story.”
I intentionally stopped talking to really give it a moment to set in with her.
Taking both of her hands in mine, I whispered, “Sadie, baby, do you know where I’m going with this?”
Her face was still frozen, and then at one point her eyes slowly widened as she stared off. Then, when she looked at me, I knew. The wheels had finally started turning in her head. She saw where I was going with this. She gripped my hands tighter as her eyes flitted from side to side.
Then her words finally came.
“The articles . . . Amanda’s saving those articles . . . of mine . . . you think . . . you think . . . she thought it was . . . me?” Her chest was heaving.
“I don’t know. She never told me a single thing. If she’d gone looking for the egg donor, she certainly didn’t want me to know about it.”
Sadie exhaled, never letting go of my hands. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. She just looked numb and a little scared. Which made it all the more difficult to admit what I needed to.
“When the possibility hit me, Sadie, I freaked out. I decided I needed to know the truth before I even addressed this with you. I didn’t want to cause you any unnecessary alarm. So I made a very hasty decision to take your toothbrush and hair and send them to a lab along with Birdie’s DNA.”
Sadie’s face reddened to a color I had never seen before. Her breathing became rampant. “What?”
“It was the wrong decision,” I said. “It was made out of fear. Not fear of the result. But fear of losing you, Sadie. I love you. And nothing would make me happier than to know that the loving, wonderful human who gave a part of herself to us . . . is also the woman I love. Make no mistake . . . there is nothing that scared me about the thought that my daughter could actually be a part of you and me. But the entire decision to find out? That wasn’t my decision to make. So I didn’t open the envelope. It’s still sealed. And I won’t open it without your permission. We never have to open it, in fact. It won’t change anything between us or in your relationship with Birdie. You have every right to the privacy you were promised. And I want to sincerely apologize for allowing my fear to control the decision I made.”
I swallowed hard, waiting for her next reaction.
She straightened up against the headboard. “The envelope . . . it’s . . . here?”
My heart pounded. “Yes. I got the results earlier in the mail. They came this morning, which is why my behavior at the restaurant was so erratic.”
Her voice was shaky when she asked, “Do you . . . think it’s me?”
“I don’t know, baby. Honest to God, I just don’t know.”
“Are we going to find out?”
“I felt obligated to tell you about the possibility. But in the end, this isn’t my choice. It never was. And I never want to do anything ever again that would hurt you or violate your privacy. I will happily rip up that envelope if you want me to. Or you can take it. We can open it up together or forget it ever existed. We don’t have to find out. Birdie loves you. Amanda’s her mother. Nothing has to change.”
I hated that I’d placed this burden on her. I didn’t know what else to do or say. But I felt the weight lift off my chest now that she knew the truth. I just had absolutely no clue what she was going to do with it.
CHAPTER 28
SADIE
This felt like a dream. As I continued to sit across from him in shock, I honestly couldn’t even move, let alone know what to say.
Amanda might have been following me. If she had been given my identity, how was that even possible? I had been assured that the process was anonymous, which was the only reason I had agreed to it in the first place.
“I’m sorry . . . I . . . still haven’t wrapped my head around this,” I said.
Sebastian leaned in and took me fully into his arms. My breathing immediately relaxed. Despite the uncertainty and shock, I felt safe. I felt loved. And I knew that no matter what happened—he had my back. To know that he fully supported any decision I made about this meant everything. Because I certainly had no idea at this point what the right decision was.
“I don’t blame you for doing what you did,” I said. “I can understand how freaked out you must have been.”
He exhaled. “Th
ank you. I now realize I should’ve talked to you first, but at the time, I thought maybe I could rule it out before having to scare you.” He shook his head. “But it was wrong. Because . . . if . . . you know . . . it turns out you are . . . that’s not my place to know before you. Or to know at all.”
“I don’t know what the right answer is.”
“You don’t need to make a decision now. Or ever.”
I blew out another shaky breath and just kept nodding. “I’ve always felt so connected to her.”
“I know. This whole thing . . . it’s been like some sort of magic from the start. But maybe there was more to it than that.”
“Suppose Amanda did look for me. Then there’s always the chance that they might have given her the wrong info, right? Or maybe . . . my articles just resonated and gave her hope and this is all just a weird coincidence. I mean, they are public articles. Anything is possible, right?”
“Of course. That’s why I debated even telling you at first. I thought I might be crazy for even thinking it. It seemed so hard to believe.”
A tear finally formed in my eye, rolling down my cheek as the realization hit me in waves. Not just because I had no clue what to do but also because it hit me that if Birdie were my biological child, that she was our child. Sebastian’s and mine. Made from us. I could have inadvertently made a human with the man I love before I ever even knew him. The emotions that thought brought about were some of the strongest I’d ever experienced. But stronger than anything was the thought that if this were true . . . how could I ever tell Birdie? She’d already lost her mother. And this would be like losing her all over again in a sense. For what? So I could have some kind of validation? It wasn’t fair.
Shaking my head repeatedly, I said, “I have to think about this.”
“Take all the time you need. I mean it. We can pretend it’s not happening until then. I have no problem doing that. Just tell me that this won’t break us,” he pleaded.
I looked into the eyes of the beautiful man before me and gave him the assurance he needed. “The only thing I am sure of right now is that I need you more than ever. I love you, Sebastian. I love you so much.”
