by Bec Botefuhr
“Willow?”
“Jagger…” I whisper.
I can’t see him and oh god, I want to. I step forward until I can hear his breathing. He’s so close. All this time all I have wanted was him and now he’s so close and I’m speechless. I don’t know if I can reach out and touch him, or if I should just stand here and try to explain. I step forward and slam directly into his chest. Hot tears stream down my face when I breathe him in.
My cheek is pressed against his chest and I can hear his heart pounding. My body is molded against the hard plains of his, but he’s not touching me. He’s not speaking. He’s not doing anything at all. He’s just standing there like a statue. Our bodies are squashed, and yet I have never felt such distance between us.
I lift my head and I bump foreheads with him. His head is lowered. Like someone in mourning. I reach up and go to stroke his cheek, but his hand lashes out and stops me. He grips it so tightly I yelp. I hear him suck in a deep, ragged breath. It’s like he doesn’t believe I’m real. God Jagger, what has happened to you?
“Jagger…”
“Why?” he rasps, “why are you here?”
“We…want to help and…”
“No.”
“Jagger…”
He shoves me backwards and I fall on my ass. I whimper, not only from shock but from the forceful landing. I can hear Jagger panting. Is he angry? Emotional? I just don’t know.
“Leave,” he says in a voice so void of emotion it burns me. “Don’t come back. Don’t try anything. Don’t involve yourself. Go to the boys, tell them to stay the fuck out of my life. That goes for you too. If I see you back here…”
His voice trails off for a long moment and it’s like he can’t bring himself to the say the next words, but eventually he does and they shock me to my core.
“If I see you back here, I’ll kill you.”
“Jagger,” I whisper.
“Don’t, I don’t want you here. Leave Willow, do you hear me? LEAVE!”
Tears stream down my face. “You don’t mean that, we can help you.”
“I don’t want your help,” he roars, “I don’t want it. I want you to fucking leave. We’re done. I don’t want you. I MOVED ON!”
I force myself to my feet, and I feel my knees buckle. I reach out to steady myself with a nearby tree. He doesn’t mean it, he doesn’t. He cocks the gun again.
“Walk away now, or I’ll end you.”
“Jagger…you don’t...”
“FIVE!”
“Jagger...”
“FOUR!”
“Please…”
“THREE!”
“PLEASE!”
“Fuck Willow, don’t make me do this. TWO.”
I turn and I run. I stumble over and my hands land in the grainy sand. I cry out and whimper as I get to my feet and stagger forward. He didn’t mean it, he didn’t mean it. Oh god. He didn’t mean it. Did he?
~*~*~*~
JAGGER
Fuck, fuck, fuck. It was her. It was her and I threatened to kill her. I listen to her whimpers fade into the darkness and I drop to my knees. I press the gun to my temple. End it. It’s the only way. It’s the only fucking way. I just told the love of my life that I didn’t want her, that I’d kill her. I listened to her fall apart and I kept going. I’m a fucking monster. Just end it.
I push the cold metal into my temple further and my hand shakes. Her fuckin’ cries, they broke me. The way she touched me. Her scent against my skin. Her body against mine. She fucking broke me and I just broke her. I drop the gun and pummel my fists into the sand, roaring curses. I stand, spinning to the nearest dark tree and I punch it until my knuckles are bruised and raw. How could I be such a fucking coward? She wanted to help me. I knew she would and I broke her. I fucking broke her.
“Jagger?”
Fuckin’ Sharleen. Always the fuckin’ hero. I hear her footsteps on the sand as she approaches. She stops in front of me and shines a light over my panting form.
“What happened?”
“The woman that made the bet got away, I didn’t get her in time.”
“Oh, I’m sure it won’t matter. Mick’ll sort it out.”
“Whatever.”
I stand and walk towards the house. When I get inside I stare down at the blood dripping from my knuckles. Sharleen notices and her eyes widen.
“You’re bleeding.”
“Who fuckin’ cares Sharleen? I bleed every fuckin’ day. Don’t pretend to care about me, it’s because of you that I’m here.”
Her mouth drops open. “I never meant for you to get hurt, Jagger.”
“What did you think would fuckin’ happen? I gave you my life, you knew how dangerous my father was and you went ahead and involved him anyway. Because of you, I’ll never feel love again.”
“I loved you Jagger, I never wanted bad things to happen, I…”
“DON’T!” I roar. “Don’t you fuckin’ open your mouth and try to make this better. You had a chance and you picked him. I hope he fucks you until you can’t walk, I hope you rot…”
“Jagger,” she whispers.
Fuck, FUCK! I spin around towards her and grip her shoulders. My blood trickles down her top but she doesn’t move.
“I know ok? I know you fucked up, but while you were fucking up, you fucked me up too. I never asked for that. I gave you everything I had. I loved you.”
“I loved you too, please believe that.”
Great now she’s crying. Always my weakness.
“I can’t believe that, but I didn’t mean what I said. Just let me be, please?”
She nods and I let her go. I turn and disappear into the darkness, yet again, but in the darkness, I get an idea to keep Willow away from me for good. I’ll do whatever I need to make sure she stays out of this, even if it means breaking her heart.
CHAPTER 5
WILLOW
I walk through the door when I arrive home, soaking wet and numb. Jagger’s words play over and over in my head. If you come back, I’ll kill you. I’ll kill you. I’ll kill you. I don’t want you. I don’t love you. The pain in my heart is far beyond anything I’ve ever felt. My heart is clenching and I can’t swallow the lump in my throat. When I step into the living room, everyone gets up quickly and rushes over. I know how I look, I feel just as pitiful.
“Willow, what happened?” Ace asks, touching my cold, wet cheek.
I don’t answer. Like a zombie I walk down the hall, forcing each foot to go in front of the other. Forcing my body to move when all I want to do is crumble to the floor and cry until there is nothing left.
“Willow, honey!”
Ava’s voice trails down the hall after me, and slowly I turn. My eyes meet a lot of very confused, worried sets. I have to tell them, might as well get it out while it’s playing like a bad song in my head.
“I saw him. He doesn’t want help. If I go back, he said he’d kill me.”
The shocked gasps that follow me down the hall and into my room. I shut the door quietly and walk over to the crib where my son is sleeping, thumb in his mouth and looking peaceful. That’s when the wall breaks. My tears begin flowing in a steady stream and before I know it they’re running out and horrible, pained noises are coming from my throat. I feel arms go around me.
“Oh honey, shhh,” Jenny whispers.
I can’t speak, even if I wanted to, I can’t. Jenny rocks me while I continue to bellow like a wounded animal. Cody doesn’t even stir. Soon more arms are around me and Ava has joined the group hug. They both hold me so tightly I can hardly breathe, but that doesn’t stop my breakdown from continuing. It just slowly rips me to pieces inside. Bit by bit, it tears me down.
“Hey, come on, you know he only said that to scare you off.”
I stop crying and pull back, staring at them through blurry lashes.
“No, he meant it.” I whisper, my voice broken.
“Willow, honey, he didn’t. He doesn’t want you to get involved, if you get involved you’re
risking your life. Jagger loves you, he is going to do whatever it takes to make sure you don’t involve yourself and if that means making you think he would hurt you, then he’ll do it. Don’t you see that?”
I fall silent. I think back to the conversation, and how he paused for a long while. Maybe they’re right, maybe he was trying to scare me off. The pain in my heart is all the same though, and I don’t know if I can continue on and find out if he was protecting me or if he truly meant it.
“Honey, come on, it’s going to be ok.”
“I felt him, he was so close.” I whimper.
The tears start again, and the girls just hold onto me as I breakdown over something entirely different this time.
“Baby girl, I’m sure he is feeling the same right now.”
“I didn’t tell him about Cody, he doesn’t know.”
Jenny strokes my hair. “We will fix this, ok?”
“Knock knock.”
The soft voice comes surprisingly from Bull. I raise my eyes to see him standing at the door with a weak smile on his face.
“Mind if I talk to Willow?”
The girls look to me for confirmation. I nod my head and Jenny rubs my shoulder before taking Ava’s hand and they leave the room. Bull walks over and stares down into the crib at Cody.
“He’s really something.”
I smile. “Yeah, he’s everything.”
“Listen Willow, I know what happened out there tonight. I can’t make you believe anything else, but I can try. Jagger loves you, if you saw how he was when you got taken, you would understand. He vowed he would do anything to make sure you lived a safe life. I know what he said, but I know him. I’ve known Jagger a long, long time and I know when he cares. He loves you and I know he is just trying to scare you off because he doesn’t want you involved.”
I smile weakly and nod, tears form in my eyes. Bull sits down beside me and takes my hand. “Did he ever tell you how we met?”
I shake my head, “No.”
Bull smiles and it’s a dazzling smile. Bull has this dark red hair and pale eyes. He looks almost Scottish, but he doesn’t have an accent. I bet it’s in the line somewhere though. I smile at Bull’s smile, because it’s not often I see him smile.
“I was eighteen. I was a rebel back then. Tough life, hard parents, no siblings. Anyway, I got into some trouble with a bunch of men at a bar one night. Jagger and Ace were there, both sitting and drinking. Four men jumped me and I had no hope. The two boys jumped in and beat the shit out of them. They helped me, they didn’t even know me, but they helped me. Jagger took me outside, and when I thanked him you know what he said?”
I shake my head.
“He said boy, don’t thank me. You change, you hear? You get one choice at life and if you want to pick on people three times the size of you and have your ass kicked, then you go right ahead. That’s a choice, and you can’t blame anyone else for it. You make a choice and you stick with it. You want me to give you a choice boy?”
I smile, because I could hear Jagger saying something like that. “So what did you say?” I ask, crossing my legs.
Bull grins. “I said please give me a choice, because I no longer know how to make them. I’m just a kid.”
“What did he say?”
Bull throws his head back and laughs, and then he tilts his head to the side and shows me a faint scar on his jaw. “He hit me so hard my jaw split. Then he took me in and I’ve been with him since. He gave me a chance Willow, he gave me a chance when I had nothing else. He believed in me.”
I swallow back my tears. Jagger manages to find the good in absolutely everyone. Bull pats my hand, and then he stands and smiles down at me.
“Don’t give up, not yet. If he doesn’t want you when all this is done, then there’s just nothing you can do about it. You have a choice now Willow and only you can make it.”
I know he’s right. I know only I can make this choice, and I know deep down in my heart I’ve already made it. I want to help Jagger, and I’ll do whatever it takes to get him out of that place, even if it means heartbreak for me.
~*~*~*~
WILLOW
“Ring this number, I got it from Huck. It’s Jagger’s number. Tell him to meet us tomorrow night at the wharf.”
“Huck? Why does his name keep coming up?”
“Look, Jagger and Huck go way back from when he was involved with your father. While Huck was a cop, Jagger and he had a deal. I don’t quite know what it was, but he trusts Huck and Huck has helped him out of a few situations. He’s got information and he can get access to some serious shit that we could never imagine. He’s of good use to us.”
“I don’t know Angel…”
“Trust me on this, now will you do it?”
I swallow, I can do this. I have to do this. I have been telling myself this all night. I have been assuring myself that I’m doing this for Jagger, not for me. It’s not about me. I dial the number and hold the phone to my ear, my hand trembles. It answers on the first ring and the words I hear has my heart breaking in half.
“Sharleen, babe, why are you ringing on this number? I told you if Mick finds out we fucked last night, I’m dead.”
I pull the phone from my ear and hang it up. I swallow over and over, oh god, oh sweet Jesus. He’s with Sharleen again? How could I be so stupid? He said he moved on and it’s clear that wasn’t a lie. All along, he wasn’t protecting me. He really doesn’t love me anymore. The pain in my stomach is so intense I struggle to stop myself from doubling over. Angel asks me something, but it doesn’t register. All I can hear is Jagger’s voice. Sharleen, babe….Sharleen, babe….fucked…fucked…
“Willow?”
I snap my head up and meet Angel’s eyes.
“What happened?”
“Disconnected. Sorry.” I manage. I can’t tell them. I can’t.
“Fuck it, we’re going to have to go in. Are you with me?”
I meet his gaze and part of me wants to scream no, that I can’t do it. I want to run from my pain, I want to curl up into a ball and hide from the world but I can’t do that. It’s not about me now, it’s about my son. It doesn’t matter whether Jagger and I are together or not, I have to do this for Cody. He needs to know about Cody and if he chooses her so be it, but I owe him enough to get him out of that place. So for now, I have to pull on my big girl panties - yet again - and suck it up. I look Angel square in the eyes.
“I’m in Angel, you tell me what I have to do.”
He nods and then leaves the room. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Think of Cody. Think of Cody. I let my eyes swing to the corner of the room where my son sits in his high chair sucking the life out of a section of orange. It’s for him. Everything I do is for him. Jagger needs to know. If anything, he needs to know. I owe both him and Cody that much. Right now I have to focus on getting through the next few days without breaking down. I honestly don’t know how I’ll do that.
CHAPTER 6
JAGGER
She believed me. I knew only a few people had my new number and I knew that when that unknown caller came up that it would be her. If it wasn’t it would be one of the boys and they’d surely tell her what I said. I knew it was her when the phone line went dead. I was just adding to her hurt, I was pushing her to the limits. I hoped I hadn’t pushed too hard. I had different plans, I was hoping I could get her to see me with Sharleen but the phone call worked perfectly. I just hoped I didn’t cause her to hurt herself…
I shake my head. Can’t fuckin’ think like that. Can’t. I had to do it. I had to make her think I was with Sharleen, I had to make sure she didn’t keep chasing me. If I didn’t she could very well lose her life and there was no way in hell I was letting that happen. Not on my watch. I toss the phone into the nearby wall and pace my room. I don’t know what they’re planning but obviously my words weren’t enough to scare Willow away.
Did she know I didn’t mean those harsh words? Maybe she knows me better than I know myself. I
flop down onto the bed and close my eyes, thinking of her sweet face. God I’ve missed her. I haven’t fucked since the day she left and I’m wound up so tightly. I can’t…I just can’t move on. I tried, one drunken night, and I couldn’t even get a fat. Nothing. Fuckin’ hung loose like an old man. Shameful, that’s what it fuckin’ was. I would never be the same without her.
I’ll never fuck and have it feel the way it felt with her. I’ll never have lips around my cock that’ll warm me the way hers did. I’ll never feel a kiss so damn sweet it knocks me off my feet. I feel my cock growing and I snarl a curse. I have no problem getting hard when thinking about her, but when I try to move on, nothing. I told her to move on, one day I’ll have to do the same.
Acid runs through my veins at that thought. I fuckin’ can’t imagine anything worse than thinking of her with someone else. It fuckin’ burns. I sit up and let my thoughts take me back to her, and that gorgeous little body with those beautiful breasts, that perky ass and those sensual lips. I close my eyes and I can feel her beside me, touching me, kissing me, stroking me. She made everything ok. Everything.
I jerk my jeans down and grip my cock, fuckin’ hate doing this. Hate that I have to use my own hand because I can’t get it up for anyone else. Of course I can’t fuckin’ get it up, I’m in love with a woman I can’t have and I can’t get over that. I stroke up and down, grunting as pleasure jerks through my body. Fuckin’ hate this, but I love that for a moment I’m with her and it feels ok. It’s a moment, but it’s everything.
I stroke gently, picturing those full lips smiling up at me as she puts her tongue around my cock. I pick up the pace, feeling everything inside me tense as pleasure rises up my shaft ready to explode. I remember the sweet feeling of driving into her wet flesh and that’s my undoing. I grunt and begin spurting come all over my stomach. I open my eyes and stare down at the white mess. I close my eyes and shake my head, sighing. I’m fucked up. The best I’ve got is to wank myself stupid because I have nothing else.
