Impractically Perfect: A Romantic Comedy

by Genevieve Lerner

  “So. Let me get this straight. Your phone is still missing?”

  Gillian looked like she was going to stab me with the nearest available sharp object. “Yes, as you know, because you have it!”

  I ignored that bit. “Well, didn’t you go out last night? Maybe you left it at the bar you were at or something—”

  She paused for a moment, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “For your information…I did not go out last night. Goddammit, Penny, stop victim-blaming me!”

  I really thought she had. “Oh, I thought you—”

  “—You’ve always been jealous of me, and now you’re out to get me!”

  “Gillian, what the hell? I didn’t steal your phone, I certainly didn’t tweet anything, and I’m not out to get you! You’re my best friend—can we please just talk about this?”

  But Gillian was getting more and more worked up.

  “You didn’t even invite me to your work gala—Penny, you know I would have made great contacts there! Come on! I do so much for you, and this is how you repay me?”

  “Gillian! I didn’t do anything! I swear, I—”

  She shook her head. “I can’t fucking believe you, Penny. I’m going to lose my job and it’s all - your - fault!”

  And then she grabbed my beautiful ant farm off of my dresser and held it high above her head.

  No. No. No.

  “Gillian, please. Look. I’m sorry, okay? Please just put the ants down. Okay? Just…put them down.”

  “You tried to kill Mrs. Purrpaws.”

  “It was an accident, Gillian, and I feel terrible about it. Please let’s talk about it, just put them down, and—”

  “Fuck you, Penny.” And she threw the ant farm onto my wood floor, where it shattered into a million tiny pieces.

  “NOOOO!” I screamed, dropping to the floor.

  Scurrying ants were everywhere, on my floor, my dresser, my walls. I wanted to try to catch them all, but I knew it was pointless. Even worse, so many of my precious ants were buried in the remains of their home, and I vainly began digging through the sand and broken glass to try to rescue any survivors. I cried when I found the first squished one.

  These ants had been my responsibility, and I had failed them. Most had been killed. The ones that had escaped I knew wouldn’t live long; it was winter, they wouldn’t last more than a few hours outside.

  “How could you do this?” I choked out, through the now-familiar sensation of my chest constricting and my hands and feet tingling. But Gillian was no longer in my room. Probably off to destroy something else.

  My babies were gone, and panic was completely taking me over.

  Blackness was closing in on me and my breaths were getting quicker and shallower. My ants, my perfect little ant colony. I could feel my heart pounding—no, not pounding—thudding, racing, in my chest. How could she not trust me? I made a fist and started towards my door. Gillian wasn’t going to get away with this so easily.

  And then I knew I needed to get myself under control. Before I passed out. Before I did something I’d regret.

  But only one thing had ever helped, had ever been able to stop my panic from completely taking over my body.

  As quickly as I could, I texted Toby.

  My strained breaths were coming still faster, but he didn’t respond.

  What the hell. I couldn’t wait any longer. I threw a pair of sweatpants over my underwear and didn’t bother putting on a bra beneath my t-shirt before scrambling out of my bedroom. I called Toby over and over, but he wasn’t answering.

  I bundled up in as many layers as I could before bursting out the door. The cold whipping my face felt like a thousand needles sticking into my eyeballs, and I shrieked out into the storm. The wind nearly blew off my hat, despite my hood being cinched tightly around it.

  My bicycle was frozen to the pole, but I unlocked it anyway, with stiff fingers. Most of the trains weren’t running at this time of night, so I’d have to bike there. The combination lock was so stiff with ice that it barely spun, and it took me three tries to get it right. And then, I was off into the slippery, snowy winter.

  I had never biked through a storm before, and I immediately regretted my decision. Thankfully, the weather was so bad that there were hardly even any cars on the road, so I was able to weave through the streets, finding the most passable areas. Part of me considered going back home, boiling some water, and having a hot cup of tea. But then I pictured Gillian’s smug face, and I knew I couldn’t be anywhere near her for a long time. Besides, I reasoned with myself, I’ve already left, so I might as well continue on the journey. What’s to gain by going back?

  Well, not dying, for starters. But I wasn’t going to focus on that right now.

  I noticed my phone battery dwindling much more quickly than normal, due to the extreme cold that I was subjecting it to. Unfortunately, it was also my only source of navigation—I had only been to Toby’s apartment that one time, and it wasn’t in my part of town.

  Come on, phone, I said silently, trying to send it brain waves of encouragement, you can do this. In response, it plummeted down 20% in one go.

  I was only halfway to Toby’s and I was definitely in an unfamiliar neighborhood, so I sent him a quick text.

  coming to your place, lost AF, i may make it i may not who knows

  The moment after I hit “send,” my phone died completely.

  Whelp. This was great. I was stuck on a bike in a snowstorm in a strange neighborhood at night. Just what a girl wants.

  Since the feeling in my toes was slowly leaking away, I knew I had to keep moving in order to stay warm. Probably best to just head back home the way I came, I finally decided. Wandering around here wasn’t going to do me any good.

  I made a slippery u-turn and began to head back in the opposite direction, carefully remapping my route. When I got to President’s Drive, I paused. Which way had I turned again?

  Shit. I had definitely made two lefts and then a right…but was this the right or was that the right? And now that I was thinking about it, maybe it was two rights then a left? It was all very confusing trying to reverse it all.

  My legs were exhausted, and I was out of breath, both from biking on snowy terrain and inhaling the freezing cold air. Finally, I admitted defeat, abandoned my bicycle, and continued on by foot, alternating jumping jacks with curling up into myself and shivering uncontrollably.

  Awesome. This was how I was going to die. My obituary would read:

  Penelope Partridge passed away because she was stupid enough to be biking during a snowstorm, and no one is sure what the hell she was doing but whatever it was, it clearly wasn’t worth it.

  Or something like that.

  My nose, which had been burning painfully for the last few minutes, suddenly became numb, and I was very aware of rivulets of snot dripping from my nostrils into my mouth, many of them freezing on their journey.

  This was so stupid. And not only stupid, it was embarrassing. This was not the way my life was supposed to go. I didn’t do stupid things like this. I’d never done stupid things like this. I was smart, and capable, and I made intelligent decisions. My life had gone to plan because I’d made only good decisions.

  And I was going to mess it all up with the first dumb decision I ever made ever.

  Except…it hadn’t really started here. It had all began when I met Toby, hadn’t it? He was the reason I was making so many dumb choices. He was the reason I was fucking everything up. If it wasn’t for him, things would be totally on track. I would probably have convinced Sven to propose to me, if I had been putting my energy where it belonged. I would have been working harder at work, and been featured at this gala instead of stupid Cyril, who for some reason was getting calls from all kinds of reporters.

  My life had become a giant mess, and I had no idea how I was going to get out of it. If I even survived long enough to GET out of it. It was much more likely that I would die in the next hour or so. Or at least get severe hypothe
rmia.

  And then, suddenly, someone was calling my name.

  “Penny! Penny! Penny?”

  Who was that? Did somebody know I was here? Was somebody looking for me?

  Oh my god. It was Sven coming to save me. I knew it. I knew it. We had a connection, and he knew that something was wrong, and he was coming to…

  Nope. Definitely not Sven. Sven wasn’t that tan, and definitely never walked that fast. And had two arms.

  Toby. Which, like, of course made sense, because Toby knew I was coming. And knew that I was lost.

  “Hey! Hello? Heeellllooooo??” My lips were frozen and my throat was parched, so I wasn’t yelling very loudly. “Toby?”

  “Penny!” He ran across the street. He was wearing pajama pants, sneakers, and a hoodie.

  He must have been freezing. That sweatshirt did not look thick enough.

  Just the sight of him warmed me up a bit. Especially in places that probably didn’t particularly need to be warmed up.

  Breathlessly, he approached me, as fast as he could in those shitty little sneakers, trudging through the snow.

  “I can’t believe you found me,” I said, shaking my head in disbelief. “You came out here all this way for me?”

  “Well,” he said, smirking, “it’s not like you’re far from my place. We’re only about a ten minute walk.”

  Teeth chattering, I nodded, and I saw the concern leak into his features. “Dude, Penny, we gotta get you inside.”

  I was too cold to respond, but I’m pretty sure that if I had been able to, I would have said something along the lines of, “No fucking kidding.” As it was, I just started towards my bike. In the opposite direction that Toby had come from.

  “Where do you think you’re going?”

  I pointed. “Bike.” It was already covered in a thin layer of fresh snow. It reminded me of a print of a photo I had seen at an art festival growing up. A single bike, along a canal in Amsterdam, old and rusted, with snow falling all around it. It had always looked so sad and lonely to me, even though it was just a bike and as far as I knew, had zero feelings.

  Despite Toby’s protests, I shuffled up to my bike, dreading wheeling it home, because I sure as hell couldn’t ride it in my present state. But it was frozen.

  “Mmmmm!” I whined, cold and tired and exhausted. “Come on!” But the bike, being an inanimate and unfeeling object, didn’t listen to me when I spoke, and it continued doing its own thing of being stuck in place and ignoring my yells. Collapsing on the small snowbank on the curb, I felt the anger and fear in my chest give way to utter emptiness.

  I felt a hand on my shoulder, and suddenly Toby was behind me, whispering in my ear.

  “Come on, Penny, let’s go. We can get it in the morning.” And somehow, he had scooped me over his shoulder and was carrying me down the street, over the hilly snowbanks, and up two flights of stairs to his apartment.

  He all but threw me into the bathroom when we arrived, not even letting me stop to take off my soaked shoes that dripped a muddy trail along his hardwood floor. Running the water as hot as he could, he instructed me to take a shower, and returned a moment later with a giant t-shirt, sweatpants, and an awful lime-green towel.

  It should have felt weird showering at this guy’s apartment, I knew…but I didn’t care. And what’s more, it didn’t feel weird. It felt like this was exactly where I was supposed to be.

  The warm water ran through my hair, down my back, bringing life back to my skin. I didn’t even wash myself, just stood there, letting the steam and warm water work out my tight muscles. I didn’t want the shower to end, didn’t want to face the world…but all too soon, the hot water ran out, and I jumped out of the shower before that inevitable horrible cold-water-when-you-are-already-cold feeling happened.

  I dried off, and then dressed in the clothes Toby had given me and wrapped my hair up in the towel. Normally I blow-dried and straightened my hair; it felt weird leaving it wet and frizzy.

  Toby kept his distance as I left the bathroom, actually physically backing away from me when I got too close. I had hurt him, I knew. And I was a terrible person, I also knew that. What had I been thinking, coming here at this time?

  But finally, we were both sitting down at his flimsy wicker table he had found on the side of the road, sipping on steaming cups of Lipton tea.

  He wouldn’t make eye contact with me…and I couldn’t blame him. I been using him all this time, I now realized, to feel better about myself. He had always put me first. And I had always put me first.

  Shaking in anger, he finally spoke. “What were you thinking? Biking all the way out here, in the middle of the night, during this snowstorm? What the hell is wrong with you?”

  An apology was the first idea that came to my mind, but something entirely different poured out of my mouth.

  “I don’t…know. I just needed to leave, and you’re the only person…I just want to run away. I don’t want to be here anymore. I thought all this was what I wanted, but it’s not. I just feel…so alone…” Unable to express myself, I bit my lip and gazed up at the uncovered bulb hanging from the ceiling.

  But Toby nodded slowly. “Have you ever done that? Just followed your heart in the moment? Not planning, not worrying about what comes next?”

  I almost laughed out loud. Of course I had never done that. I was smart and practical and successful, I never just did things impulsively. That would be irresponsible…right?

  Standing suddenly, Toby took my hand. “Let’s go. Let’s do it. You want to run, right? To where?”

  “What? You’re not serious, right? You know my gala is tomorrow, and I have things I need to do, and I’ve got to get a good night’s sleep before it, and—”

  “Fuck it.”

  “What?”

  “Fuck. It. Who cares about all that stuff?”

  I shook my head. Toby didn’t understand how these things work. “I know you’ve never had a real job, but you can’t just say fuck it. You can’t just shirk your responsibilities and do whatever the hell you want!”

  “I’m an outdoor education teacher. That is a real job.”

  God, I sounded like such an ass. “That’s not what I meant. I meant like, a full-time, year-round, this-is-your-career job.”

  “Penny. It’s your life. You can do whatever you want.”

  “But I can’t…!”

  He scooted his chair up close to me, put his face an inch from mine. I could smell wintergreen gum on his breath. “You can.”

  And that moment…it changed everything. The blur of my life suddenly became crystal clear, as if I had put on glasses for the first time. Not that I would actually understand exactly what that is like, because I had never worn glasses, but it felt like what I assumed it would be like to wear glasses for the first time, had I needed them.

  Nobody was in charge of my life but me. Dr. Booper didn’t control me. Sven didn’t either. Or Gillian. It didn’t matter what my mom thought about my choices, it didn’t matter what anybody said to me, unless it was what I needed to hear. This was my life, not theirs.

  How had it taken me so long to realize?

  “Away from the city,” I said, without thinking. “Let’s go.”

  And somehow, we were in his car, Toby looking as relaxed as I’ve ever seen him, me in a confused state of panic and distress and happiness. This was my life, and I was going to live it the way I wanted to.

  Our plan was to drive away, as far away as we could, until it was time to turn around and come back. Because…why not? Who cares if I didn’t sleep all night and was half-dead during a stupid gala?

  Ferdinand was packed in along with us, resting contentedly in my lap. I had squirmed away from him for awhile, but eventually, Toby convinced me that he wouldn’t bite me and also that if he did, I probably wouldn’t die from it. I still hadn’t gotten up the nerve to cuddle too close to him, but I let him curl up and nap on my thighs. A big step, if I do say so myself.

  Chapter Fourteen
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br />   Everyone Needs To Get Away Sometimes

  I had never done anything like this before. I didn’t even know if it was safe, driving through the swirling winds in the middle of the night. But after less than an hour, the storm had passed, and it was like we were on a journey through a thick, fluffy snow-blanket. As soon as we got out of the city, I was able to see the stars, for the first time in I didn’t even know how long.

  Memories flooded me. It had been a school night, and Dad had taken me out of bed anyway, still in my pajamas, and brought me into the car, quietly so we wouldn’t wake up Mom. He drove us forty-five minutes outside the city into the middle of nowhere, surrounded by cornfields and what would have been cows, had it been daytime. The stars that night were brighter than I had ever seen.

  Together, we threw a blanket on top of his car, and he boosted me up onto the hood and sat down beside me. We snuggled together to keep warm in the autumn night breeze.

  And then, the magic started.

  It was like the stars were falling out of the sky, trailing down into the atmosphere, so close I felt like I could reach up and touch them. One moment, I would point and shout, “Lookit that one, lookit that one!” but by the time Dad turned, it would be gone. Sometimes, however, we both saw one at the same time, and my father was as enthralled as I was. He didn’t treat me like I was a little kid, even though I was. He didn’t act like he knew any more than me, because he didn’t. We were just two people, experiencing our first meteor shower together, breathing in the cool air and the fairy dust that ten-year-old me was sure was raining down on us.

  Dad showed me some constellations, explained why meteors happened, what stars were. He was the first person to explain things to me in a way I could understand. He didn’t talk down to me because I was a kid; it was something I carried with me, even now.

  That was one of my only memories of my dad. You spend so much time with somebody, you forget to hold each moment precious. You forget to remember. I remembered what he looked like, sort of, although maybe that was because of the photos that Mom still had hanging on one of the small walls in the living room. Maybe I didn’t remember at all, and the photos were all I really had left of him.