Witch Is When I Said Goodbye (A Witch P.I. Mystery Book 10)

by Adele Abbott

  “Me?” He seemed stunned by the question.

  “You never did explain why you were at the Fleur Hotel.”

  “I was looking for you.”

  “So you said.”

  “It’s true. I had to warn you.”

  “About what?”

  “I’ve heard that TDO has declared you must be eliminated soon.”

  “Heard? Heard from who?”

  “I’d rather—”

  “You’d rather not say—I get it. So what if he says I have to be eliminated? What’s new? He’s been trying to kill me ever since I discovered I was a witch.”

  “Time’s running out for him.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He’s seen how rapidly you’ve progressed through the levels. It’s totally unprecedented. If he doesn’t eliminate you soon, it’ll be too late. You’ll be too powerful.”

  “You seem to know an awful lot about TDO. Why would I trust anything you say?”

  “Because despite what you may think, I love you.”

  “Too little, too late.” I stood up. “You’ve had your say, now. I never want to see or hear from you again.”

  ***

  After my brief meeting with my father, I didn’t really want to go straight home. I knew if I did, I’d spend all evening brooding about what he’d said. I wanted to forget all about him in the same way he’d once forgotten about me.

  I called Kathy, and she said I could pop over to her house.

  “How’s Peter’s business doing?”

  “It’s coming along quite nicely actually.” Kathy had bought a new kettle, but had not yet figured out how to get it working. “He’s picking up new customers every week. He did a leafleting campaign around the local neighbourhood a while back, and he landed some new business from that. In fact, he’s working at a house just down the road right now.”

  “Do you need a hand with that?”

  “No. It’s only a stupid kettle. How difficult can it be?”

  “You’ve been at it for ten minutes.”

  “They make everything way too complicated nowadays. Look at all these buttons. It’s only a kettle. Why does it need all of these?”

  “I think I see the problem.”

  “Come on then, Miss Smartypants. Let’s see you work it out.”

  I walked over to the socket on the wall, and clicked the switch to the ‘On’ position.

  “That should do it.”

  Kathy sighed. “Do you think that was my first senior moment?”

  Just then, the door opened, and in walked Peter, looking sweaty and tired, but with a huge smile on his face.

  “What are you doing here?” Kathy said. “You should be working—earning money for me to spend on clothes.”

  “I needed a break. I couldn’t see the point of sitting out there with a flask when I was only two minutes from home. I thought I’d pop back for a cup of tea, and one of your finest muffins.”

  “You’re in luck. Jill just showed me how to use the new kettle.”

  “How’s it going, Peter?” I said.

  “Not bad at all. I’ve been working at an old guy’s house down the road—a Mr Durham. Nice chap, but crazy as a box of frogs. You’ll never guess what he was telling me this morning, Kathy.”

  “Has he seen more aliens?”

  “No, not aliens this time. Apparently he saw a zombie in his backyard last week.”

  “A zombie?” Kathy laughed. “Wow, that old guy really does have an active imagination.”

  “Yeah, and that’s not all. According to Mr Durham, a woman turned up and shot the zombie in the head. Then it just disintegrated.”

  Kathy and Peter both laughed.

  “Yeah, that old guy sounds really crazy,” I said.

  There was a knock on the door.

  “I’ll get it.” Kathy headed out of the kitchen.

  Moments later, she returned, accompanied by an old man. “Pete, it’s Mr Durham.”

  The old man walked unsteadily into the room. “You left before I could pay you.”

  “You needn’t have come over, Mr Durham. I haven’t finished up yet.”

  “I like to pay my debts on time.” He glanced over at me, and did a double-take. “It’s her!”

  “That’s my sister,” Kathy said. “That’s Jill.”

  “She’s the one!”

  Peter and Kathy both stared at him.

  “She’s the zombie killer!”

  When Kathy had eventually managed to calm Mr Durham down, Peter said he’d walk him back to his house. After they’d left, I jumped in first.

  “You’ve got some crazy neighbours.”

  “Maybe.” Kathy gave me a doubtful look.

  “What do you mean, maybe? Didn’t you hear what he just said? He said there was a zombie in his backyard.”

  “He also said you were the one who destroyed it. Where exactly did you go the other night when you said you had cramp?”

  I raised my hands in mock surrender. “Gee. You got me. I’m actually a zombie hunter. That’s why I was hiding in the bus shelter. I was waiting for a zombie to turn up.”

  Kathy stared at me for the longest moment, and then dissolved into laughter. “I think I’m cracking up. It must be all the drumming that Mikey does.”

  “Still,” I said. “It would be a pretty cool job—being a zombie hunter.”

  Phew! Another bullet dodged.

  ***

  Just the man I wanted to see.

  “Luther!” I called after him.

  “Hi, Jill.”

  “I’m glad I caught up with you.”

  “It’s not every day I have women chasing after me.”

  I found that hard to believe.

  “You know Betty Longbottom, don’t you?”

  “Betty? Yes, we’ve spoken a few times, but never for more than a few minutes.”

  “Did you know she was a tax inspector?”

  “I think she did mention it.”

  “Well, she paid me a visit the other day, and more or less accused me of paying Mrs V off-the-books.”

  “Isn’t that your P.A? The knitter?”

  “That’s her.”

  “I thought you didn’t pay her at all?”

  “I don’t, but Betty thinks otherwise. Anyway, she insists on seeing my accountant.”

  “I see. Well, don’t worry. I’ll put her straight.”

  “Would you call on her to arrange a meeting between the two of you?”

  “Of course. No problem. I’m sure I’ll be able to answer all of her questions to her satisfaction.”

  “That’s exactly what I told her. I said if anyone can satisfy her, it would be you.”

  “I’ll let you know how I get on.”

  “Thanks.”

  Poor Luther. He had no idea what he’d let himself in for.

  Snigger.

  Chapter 22

  The temperature in my office dropped, and I knew either my mother or the colonel was about to appear. Winky hissed; he hated it when ghosts were around.

  “Morning, Jill.” The colonel beamed.

  “Morning, Jill.” Priscilla was by his side. They were arm in arm. Love’s young dream.

  “Hello you two. I see you’re getting on famously.”

  They smiled at each other, and for a moment were lost in one another’s eyes. How very—sickening—I mean sweet.

  “Thanks for the heads up about our friend, Battery, Colonel. It’s all sorted now.”

  “My pleasure, Jill. Only too happy to help. I hate to think of you coming to any harm because of an idiot like that. What happened to him, anyway?”

  “I have a friend who’s a parahuman. By day she’s a librarian, but by night she’s a Ghost Hunter.”

  “Really?” Priscilla said. “That sounds very exciting.”

  “She apprehended Battery; his haunting days have been well and truly curtailed. I definitely owe you one.”

  “Funny you should say that, Jill.” The colonel grinned. “W
e were wondering if you might be able to do us a small favour.” He looked at Priscilla, who giggled. She giggled a lot. She and the twins would have got on famously.

  “I will if I can.” What had I let myself in for now?

  “The thing is, although we have our own places in Ghost Town, we’d both rather like to have somewhere in the human world where we could spend some time.”

  “I thought you already had somewhere: my office.”

  “We do pop in here rather often, don’t we?” He laughed. “We were actually thinking of somewhere a little more permanent—you know, a proper home. Somewhere we could haunt on a permanent basis.”

  “Did you have anywhere in mind?”

  “I do actually. I know exactly the place.”

  “Are you talking about your old house?”

  “Got it in one. I spent a lot of time and money on that house. It seems a pity to let someone else get all the benefit.”

  “Who owns it now?”

  “That’s why we’ve come to see you. As per my Will, it was sold, and the proceeds split between the dog charity, Mrs Burnbridge and Peter. But I don’t actually know who bought the old place. So we were wondering if maybe you could take a run up there sometime to find out who the new owners are. And to see if they’re the sort of people who wouldn’t be too freaked out by the idea of ghosts sharing their home.”

  “No problem. I’ll take a drive over there later today.”

  “Thanks, Jill. You’re a diamond.”

  Diamond? Don’t remind me.

  “Come on, Cilla.” The colonel took her arm. “We’d better get going. I’ve booked a table for lunch. Bye, Jill.”

  ***

  It felt strange to be back at the colonel’s house knowing that he no longer lived there. It was a beautiful house, and although I’d only been there a few times, I’d grown very fond of it.

  Externally at least, nothing seemed to have changed. I rang the bell, but there was no answer. I tried again, and this time the door opened to reveal a man in a butler’s outfit. I’d always assumed all butlers wore black suits. This man’s suit was red. Or perhaps, more accurately, crimson.

  “Hello, madam.”

  “Hi.”

  “You’re a little late.”

  “I am?”

  “Yes, but it’s all right. Follow me.”

  What a stroke of luck. He obviously thought I was someone else. If I could just get to speak with the new owners, I could try to get a feel for if they’d be open to the idea of ghostly visitors.

  Halfway across the hall, the butler stopped and pointed to the room on the right.

  “That’s the green room, madam. You can get undressed in there.”

  “I’m sorry?”

  “The green room. You can get undressed in there.”

  “Why would I want to get undressed?”

  He looked puzzled. “Aren’t you here for the open day?”

  “Err—no. I was hoping to speak to the owner of this property.”

  “Mr Nolan?”

  “I guess so. Is that possible?”

  “I’ll have to check. He’s out on the terrace. Who shall I say wishes to speak to him?”

  “Jill Gooder. I’m a good friend of Colonel Briggs who used to own this house.”

  “Very well. Would you wait there for a moment?”

  “Certainly.”

  The interior of the house hadn’t changed dramatically. There were a few new paintings, but otherwise, it was practically the same as the last time I’d been there.

  The crimson-clad butler returned a couple of minutes later.

  “Mr Nolan will see you now. Please follow me.”

  We walked through the house and out through the large French doors at the rear. The sight that greeted me took my breath away. There were at least twenty people: some on sun loungers, some playing volleyball, and others playing a game of badminton. And, they were all naked! Stark naked!

  The butler led me to a man sitting in a deckchair. In one hand, he had a huge cigar; in the other, he was holding an enormous glass of wine. Middle-aged, he was more than a little overweight. His grey hair was pulled back into a ponytail. He too, was stark naked.

  “Hello, Mr Nolan,” I said, fixing my gaze firmly on his face. “I’m Jill Gooder.”

  “Nice to meet you, Jill. I never met the colonel, but from all accounts, he was a good sort. Tragic what happened to him. I’ve been on the lookout for somewhere to base our little club for some time, so when this property came on the market, I leaped at the chance.”

  “Club?”

  “Yes. This house is now home to Washbridge Naturist Society. Do you have an interest in naturism?”

  “No. It isn’t really my thing. I get goosebumps very easily.”

  “Pity. We’re always on the lookout for new blood—that’s why we’re having an open day. Now, what was it you wanted to see me about?”

  “I was just passing, actually. I still have a soft spot for this house, so I thought I’d call in on the off chance I’d be able to have one last look at the old place. It doesn’t look like you’ve changed very much—other than the nakedness, obviously.”

  “I’ve made a few changes, but nothing much. The colonel had excellent taste.”

  “Have you seen the ghosts yet?”

  He looked surprised. “Ghosts? No. I wasn’t aware that there were any ghosts.”

  “Oh, yes. The house has been haunted for quite some time. The colonel often used to see them.”

  “How very interesting. I do hope they turn up. I like all things supernatural.”

  “Really? Well, I have a hunch that you may be seeing them very soon.”

  “Are you sure I can’t interest you in our club? The human body is nothing to be ashamed of, you know.”

  “Err—no. Thanks anyway.” I glanced at my watch. “Gosh, is that the time. I’d better get going. I have an appointment with my—err—cat.”

  “With your cat?”

  “I meant cat groomer. His fur is in a bit of a mess. The cat’s that is—not the groomer’s. Better dash. Thanks for seeing me.”

  ***

  I was helping Pearl out in Cuppy C. Amber was upstairs. She’d been complaining of toothache for a couple of hours; the poor mite had looked in agony.

  I didn’t notice Maxine Jewell come in until she appeared in front of me at the counter.

  “Hello, Maxine.” I treated her to my falsest smile. “What can I get for you today?”

  “I don’t want anything to drink. I’m here to see you.”

  “My lucky day, then.”

  “Always got a smart word to say, haven’t you, Gooder?”

  “I do my best. What is it you want, Maxine?”

  “I’d like you to come down to the police station with me.”

  “I don’t think so, but thanks for the invite.”

  “It’s not an invitation; it’s an order.”

  “What have I done now?”

  “Inspector Lyndon, my boss, would like a word with you.”

  “What about?”

  “Just come with me. He’ll explain when we get down there.”

  I could have argued, but it wasn’t as though I was really needed in Cuppy C; it was deadly quiet. And, I had to admit, I was curious why Maxine’s boss wanted to see me.

  Inspector Lyndon was a tall, thin man with a long pointed nose; he greeted me with a warm smile, and a friendly handshake. All very disconcerting.

  “So you’re the famous Jill Gooder. I’ve heard and read a lot about you.”

  “All bad, I assume?”

  “No, far from it.”

  “Why did you want to see me, Inspector?”

  “I’d actually like your help; if you’re prepared to assist us.”

  I glanced across at Maxine Jewell. I could tell that she wasn’t happy about this at all, which made me even more keen to get involved.

  “Gladly, Inspector. How can I help?”

  “We have a rather strange situation
on our hands. Over the last few weeks there have been multiple thefts on the buses which run from Washbridge to Candlefield.”

  “I had no idea there was public transport between the two towns.”

  “There’s no reason you would know. As a witch, you’re able to use magic to travel back and forth between the two. Wizards can too. But the other sups have to rely on more conventional means of transport. And for those who don’t have a car, public transport is the only option. There are two buses each way, every day. The ones from Washbridge run at midday and midnight. The midnight bus has experienced problems on at least four occasions now. When the bus arrived in Candlefield, the passengers found that they’d been robbed of their money and other valuables.”

  “Who did it?”

  “That’s the strange thing. No one on board the bus remembers it happening. The first they knew about it was when they got to Candlefield, and realised that their money and valuables were missing.”

  “So you’re saying they didn’t see anyone do it?”

  “That’s precisely it. It’s a mystery really. Anyway, the reason I asked you to come in is that we need someone to go undercover on that bus.”

  “What about your own people?”

  “We need someone who is familiar with Washbridge and Candlefield. Unfortunately, it’s a condition of service that those in the police force do not visit the human world. So, you see my problem?”

  “Yes. But won’t the fact that I’m a witch alert the thieves?”

  “No reason it should. Witches and wizards often use the buses. Not because they need to, but because they enjoy the experience.”

  “So you’d like me to travel on the bus, and see if I notice anything unusual?”

  “Precisely that.”

  “Okay. I’ll be happy to help.”

  ***

  When I got back to Cuppy C, Amber was back downstairs, and sitting at a table with William.

  “How’s the toothache?”

  “Not good.” She was holding her mouth. “I’m still getting a lot of pain.”

  “Oh, dear. When are you going to the dentist?”

  “I’ve called him, but he can’t fit me in for a couple of days. I’ll just have to take painkillers until then.” She turned to William. “I think I’ll go back to bed, and try to get to sleep.”